Please don't say that
Just tell me it's all a joke
A nasty trick of fate
Or can we just pretend
That those words were never spoken?
"Heero?" Duo's voice cracked as he looked up from where he had his head buried in the pillow on his bed. "Is that you?"
There was silence. It was all that was there in his room and lately there had only been silence and Duo didn't understand why. There was peace now in his mind but his lover only gave him silence. Vaguely he was aware that there was something he didn't understand. He wanted to know why he was constantly met with the silence of a room as if there was only one person within. He looked up at the picture on the wall. It was of Heero and it was his favorite picture. The blue eyes were staring at him and they conveyed more emotion with every passing day.
"Please Heero," Duo's voice became agonized. "You can't mean that, you just can't!"
He was trapped in the past, not knowing or caring what went on around him. His memories were private ones and he did not share them with others. The mind was a glorious thing in that respect. It had the power to trap you within and lock you in the past or it could set you free and allow you to continue living in the present. Duo's mind was a mixture of memories of Heero and of other things that he didn't want to remember as well.
Wufei paused outside Duo's door when he heard the longhaired pilots' voice on the other side of it; he wasn't trying to eavesdrop, well not exactly. He was just worried. They all had been worried recently. Duo was getting more and more estranged to them, not talking very much and if he did he only talked about Heero and then demanded to know where he was.
Quatre came down the hall and stood in front of Wufei.
"Is he getting worse?" Wufei asked, his brow creasing from the strain of worry over their friend and fellow pilot.
"No," Quatre shook his head sadly. "But he's not getting better either. This is just one of his bad days. Just let him be for a while. Let's go, we shouldn't be listening in on him."
Secretly they both knew that they were only fooling themselves. Duo had been having more and more bad days for the past two weeks. Soon it could no longer be ignored that Duo was slipping farther from them. None of them wanted to accept that harsh reality anymore than they wanted to accept the truth of what had caused Duo's decline. They had to, however terrible it was, to try and help their once bright and cheery friend.
It was the only way that they could help themselves as well. Wufei, Quatre and Trowa and even the doctors that checked up on him were very self-conscious when Duo began to have his one-sided conversations and they were all considerate to try not to listen in.
The two silently moved on down the hallway.
I gave you every ounce from me
Spilled myself for you
Why did you leave?
Where did you go?
"Oh Heero," Duo moaned, his head drooping. "I loved you so much. Why did you do this to me? What caused it? I miss you. Do you know that? Everyday I miss you. I remember lying so content in your arms, but the next night you never came back not after you said those things to me."
He lay huddled on his bed, clutching the pillow in his arms. Rocking back and forth like a little child does to comfort itself. His once vibrant, glossy hair was loose and greasy because he rarely washed it, the memories of Heero were too strong. But he couldn't cut off his hair, it had meant so much to Sister Helen and maybe, just maybe Heero would come back and Heero loved his hair long.
He cradled that small hope fervently to himself and tried to convince himself that there was no need to go and try to investigate anything. Heero was just out on a long mission. That had to be it, the Perfect Soldier would be coming back.
Desperately he clung to that small belief trying to make it come true, if only for himself. His mind wouldn't allow that to happen. Here it had spent all this time convincing him that Heero was there, that Heero spoke to him. In reality Heero wasn't there and he was silent. Duo's mind was now allowing doubt to become implanted in his thoughts that Heero wasn't on a mission that he would never be coming back. That harsh reality was becoming too much for Duo to handle. He didn't want to believe it or even consider it to be a possibility but somewhere deep within him he knew that he had to. It was the only way to put all his doubts to rest.
He knew what he had to do.
During all the times we had
You weren't half bad
All our joy is gone taking me along
Life faded in the past when you left
I can't take it any more
"I'll come to you," Duo whispered his promise to the air. "I'll find a way. Soon I hope because I'm going crazy without you. The nights are so bad now, so lonely and heavy."
Duo could have sworn that the air shifted just a bit on his cheek, almost as if it were lightly caressing him there. He smiled a ghost of what his former smile had been; knowing that Heero was present with him in spirit, just not in physical form. That would all change though, soon.
He got up determinedly from his bed. It was time to enact his plan, for his own sake. He knew that the other Pilots would never tell him the truth, not if they could help it. They considered Duo Maxwell a weakling now; he would show them he wasn't. He would disprove that notion and show them that Duo Maxwell was strong, stronger than any of them could ever possibly imagine.
It was time and he would not fail in his mission. He would not fail ever again because Heero had never failed him and he refused to forsake what Heero had meant to him and what Heero had done for him. Heero had shown him that a mission was an important thing and in return he had shown Heero how to live. Heero had also taught him how to be perfect, like an angel.
Heero had often called him an angel but Duo had thought he was wrong about that one thing. He wasn't the angel, Heero was.
Please let me forget it all
Your eyes tell the truth
You didn't mean it
Let's just pretend
Those words weren't spoken"Quatre," Trowa said when he and Wufei entered into the library at the Winner estate. "Have you checked on Duo recently? Is he ok?"
"I thought you were going to check on him this morning," Quatre said slowly looking anxiously over at his green-eyed lover.
"I sent you an e-mail telling you I couldn't," Trowa said, frowning slightly, his glance moving between the two.
"Does Maxwell have access to a computer?" Wufei demanded suddenly his brown eyes conveying the worry that they were all feeling.
"No," Quatre said emphatically, a questioning look on his face. "There aren't any in his room in the Medical Wing. Plus he has restraints on his ankles and wrists."
"What if he doesn't?" Wufei asked.
"But he does," Quatre insisted.
"Little One," Trowa said softly, understanding where Wufei was headed with his train of thought. "Since no one has checked on Duo this morning he may have gotten out of them. If he did he probably booked it straight for a computer and hacked into the e-mails and data bases to find out the truth."
"By Allah," Quatre turned pale and looking sick to his stomach. "I hope your wrong. Both of you."
"So do I," Wufei said desperately beginning to move towards the door.
They all rushed out of the library and ran toward Duo's room in the Medical Wing.
All the light and joy I was and felt
It's gone without you here
Tell me please the truth
About why you left me aloneDuo pulled the scalpel out of the drawer in the other room. It was new and sharp. He stared down at it for a few moments and then looked up and around the room. He turned and shuffled back into his room. He looked up sadly at Heero's picture hanging on the wall.
"I found a way Heero," Duo smiled, a ghost of a smile once again playing upon his mouth. "I'm coming to you. Just wait a little longer and I'll be right by your side. Aishiteru. Forever my love, forever."
He pulled up the sleeves on both arms and cut deep up the underside of his forearms hitting all the major veins and then he repeated the process on the opposite arm.
The blood flowed slowly at first and then more and more rapidly. Down his arms and dripping in a steady stream onto the tile floor. At first it was just little pools that grew more and more and the flow of blood down his arms turned into a small river. After several minutes Duo started feeling woozy and a little dizzy. He collapsed to floor, in the pools of his own blood. His body no longer had the strength to hold itself up.
Duo turned his head and gazed longingly, lovingly at Heero's picture on his wall.
"I love you Heero," Duo whispered fervently, like a prayer that he repeated over and over aloud until the darkness crept up into his mind causing him to fall silent.
Don't speak those words
They aren't real to you or me
You're gone from me
It's all I know
I'm all alone
The pounding feet of the remaining pilots were getting closer and closer to Duo's room. The reached the door, their lungs burning in pain. Wufei yanked the door open.
Death is warm because of you
It wraps me in your arms
With it your eyes glow bright once more
Just don't speak a word
Don't break my lovely spellDuo lay, his body temperature slowly cooling, in his blood. His violet eyes were open a little more than half way looking directly into Heero's cobalt blue eyes in the picture on the wall. On his face was a smile, exactly like the one when Heero used to come back through the door after a mission, one of relief, love, and thanks.
Duo was gone and Heero too. Three now remained, just three.
It's good to see you
To touch you and hold you
Hear the sound of your voice in my ear
You tell me the truth now
At last I'm not aloneDuo was buried in a black coffin right next to Heero, in a private graveyard out in the woods on the Winner Estate. His eyes were left open and the picture on the wall from his room was hung on the inside of the lid for Duo to look at forever.