River peeked around the corner and watched silently as Kaylee sat on the floor in the engine room, tinkering with a piece that just wasn't working right for her. Didn't matter how many times Kaylee told the Cap'n they needed a new rotor, he wouldn't cave in and let her buy it. Too expensive, he said. Well, if he didn't let her replace it soon, then he'd have to get himself a whole new ship. That is, if he didn't die in the fiery crash first.

Frustrated, Kaylee threw the scrap of metal on the floor and groaned. Things just weren't going very well for her at all. Engine wasn't working the way it was supposed to, Captain's being a stubborn ass about it, and Simon was being an idiot. Again. She seriously had to wonder if that man had ever talked to a female besides his sister. Sometimes it was cute. Right now, it was frustrating.

"Men are boobs," River spoke up, interrupting her friend's thought train. With a smile, she stepped into the engine room and sat down beside Kaylee.

"Heya River," Kaylee responded with a smile. "Don't suppose you have any insight into why men are such boobs, do ya?" River shook her head.

"They just are. It's their nature," she replied. "My brother especially." Kaylee sighed and lay down on the metal floor, covering her face with her hands as she groaned. River lay down beside her and mimicked her sigh of frustration.

"Well, your brother is an idiot," Kaylee said with a huff then looked over at her friend. "No offense."

"None taken," came the reply. "He is." There was a pause before River continued speaking.

"What did he do this time?" Kaylee gave a loud groan and turned her head toward River.

"What didn't he do?" she complained. "I mentioned that there was this restaurant on Persephone that I wanted to go to. I was thinking maybe if he knew I wanted to go, then he'd ask me to go with him on like a date or something. And then he went off about how he could get into a fancy restaurant in the Core at a moment's notice. Didn't need reservations or nothing. Don't he know I don't wanna hear that? All's I wanna hear is, 'Kaylee you wanna go for dinner tonight?' Or maybe 'Kaylee will you marry me?' " River giggled and Kaylee pouted.

"Ain't funny, River," she said. "All's I want is a little romance in my life, but he ain't doing nothing."

"Silly Kaylee, I'm not laughing at that," River answered. "Laughing at my idiot-brother. Doesn't understand what's right in front of him. He has no frame of reference in which to base his romantic assumptions. He doesn't know how to romance you." Seeing Kaylee's look of confusing, River decided further explanation was warranted.

"In Core society, it is deemed inappropriate for a man to openly display his affections in a romantic manner. Rather, his goal when pursuing a suitable life companion is to prove he is able to provide her with a life of comfortable affluence, such as letting you know he can get into the most exclusive venues."

"So what you're saying is that Simon has no idea on how to romance," Kaylee asked, still stretched out on the floor. River looked over at her friend and smiled as she happily nodded.

"So what do you suggest I do?" Kaylee asked. "What do women do in the Core when the men they like don't make a move soon enough."

"Nothing," River replied.

"Nothin'?" Kaylee echoed and River nodded.

"They just move on to the next best prospect," River answered.

Kaylee eyed River and giggled. With an evil grin, she leaned over and whispered something in River's ear, laughing out loud as the young pilot's eyes widened.

Jayne sat alone in the galley sharpening his knives. The repetitive motion calmed him, like meditatin' and other sorts of go se Inara was always talking about. Gave him time to think stuff through, though sometimes that wasn't always a good thing. Like right now he was trying not to think on a certain little crazy person with huge brown eyes and gorgeous dancer legs who could kill a man forty-two different ways with a pair of chopsticks.

Nope. Definitely not thinking about that.

Frustrated, he set his knife down on the table and ran his fingers through his hair. He felt like he was going crazy. Seems like she'd been on his mind a lot more lately and nothing was making her go away. The vision of her standing there as those doors slid open, gripping that sword and that axe, dripping in Reaver blood was too much for his brain to handle. Yep, she was there, firmly planted in the area of his brainpan that controlled his deepest fantasies and desires.

Now the question was, what was he going to do about it?

Jayne glanced up as the object of his desire floated into the room with Kaylee by her side. The two were giggling like schoolgirls, and while Jayne would usually find the cheerfulness annoying, today he found it cute. Which in his mind, was just another sign that maybe he really was going crazy. He picked up his knife and pretended to be busy cleaning it. Anything to keep himself from watching the girl.

"Hey Jayne," Kaylee said in her usual high-pitched voice. Jayne grunted and gave a nod in their direction. Best not encourage too much talking. He might have to look at Crazy and no telling what that would do to his calm. Crazy ruttin' mind-readin' genius.

"We were wondering if you could help us with something," Kaylee continued. The two girls sat down at the table across from him. Kaylee was looking like her usual grease monkey self with coveralls hanging open and a smudge of dirt on her forehead. However, River had on a new dress. At least, he thought it was new. Maybe it wasn't new. But it fit her all shiny-like, not like those old bags she used to wear. And he was convinced there was something different with her hair. Maybe she had just combed it. But it looked all pretty and silk-like. River tilted her head and gave him an odd look.

Go se! He quickly looked back down at his knife, the table, anywhere but at her.

"Whaddya want?" he said gruffly, like the mean old mercenary he was. Kaylee continued speaking, seemingly oblivious to his obvious discomfort.

"Well, we need your help in making Simon see what an idiot he's being," she answered with a grin. Jayne cocked an eyebrow and stared at her.

"Wha' for?" he asked. "Aintcha already sexin' him up?" Kaylee rolled her eyes at the mercenary and gave River a sideways glance. River felt a bit sick at the thought of her brother sexin' anyone, but took a deep breath and reminded herself that Kaylee was her friend and needed her help. Jayne chuckled at the slight green color River was turning. Kaylee, however, just continued talking.

"Yes, and he's real good at that and all but he ain't too good in the romance department."

"So whatcha want me to do?" Jayne grunted. It was useless pretending he was busy with his knives, especially with that crazy beautiful pilot sitting at the table staring at him with those big doe eyes. Hell, had she even blinked? That wasn't pretty, that was just downright creepifyin'.

River blinked twice and interrupted Kaylee.

"I think maybe we need to re-evaluate the plan, Kaylee," she said as she rose from her chair. Kaylee shook her head and grabbed her by the arm, yanking her back down into the chair.

"No way," she said with a wide smile. "This is just too perfect." Jayne huffed in frustration.

"Well, if it's so gorram perfect, then get on with it!" he said. "I ain't got all ruttin' day!" Kaylee giggled and River raised an eyebrow.

"You gotta pretend to court me!" Kaylee exclaimed, clapping her hands excitedly.

Jayne just about fell out of his chair at Kaylee's proclamation.

"I gotta what?" he exclaimed. "Why I gotta do that for?"

"Jayne, this is a good idea," she said. "Simon don't have no role models on how to properly romance someone. So while he's good in the sack and all, he don't really know much of anything else. So he needs someone to act all romantic-like so he knows how to win the girl." Jayne blinked twice and looked from the mechanic to the pilot.

He could remember how his pa always brought his ma home flowers and danced with her in the kitchen. That was the way folks that loved each other acted. Course, he'd never done that for a girl. Mind you, he'd never loved a girl before. A thought quickly flashed through his mind of him and River dancing slowly together in the galley. He gulped and looked away quickly. Wouldn't do to have those thoughts around a mind-reader.

"K, so I'm not quite following," he replied. "Why do ya need me to pretend to court you?" Kaylee rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Well, it was all River's idea," she explained carefully. River sat up straight and shook her head.

"No it wasn't."

"Yes it was," Kaylee replied. "You said Core girls just move on to the next prospect. Simon just needs a little competition is all. Gotta let him know this cow ain't always gonna be givin' away her milk for free, you know."

"This is true. Jealousy is a powerful motivator," River explained carefully to Jayne, trying to ignore the sinking feeling that was settling in the pit of her stomach. "Makes people do what they normally wouldn't. Break out of their shell and confront their true feelings."

"And it ain't like there's a lot of romance on the ship," Kaylee continued. "Wash and Zoe were already married long before Simon came on board. And it ain't like Mal would even consider it since he's too busy trying to woo Inara." Jayne chuckled.

"So you are the logical choice," River said, looking up at him. Jayne met her gaze and raised an eyebrow.

"How do you figure that?" he replied. "Your brother's likely to stick me with some sort of strange concoction 'fore I can do any romancing. Not to mention Mal and Zoe are likely to put a gun to my head. 'Sides I ain't hardly the romancing type. Kinda goes against my image, if'n ya know what I mean."

"Will ensure that the father figure and his sidekick do not kill you," River answered. "As for the boob, the primary motivation behind this plan is to spur him to action. But don't worry, I will ensure he does not harm you." Jayne grunted. Kaylee's plan had too many holes in it and was likely to get him shot, or worse.

"Alright, I'll do it," he found himself saying. "But I better not get shot!" He quickly scooped up his knives and walked out of the mess without looking back. He kept walking until he reached bunk and climbed down the hatch into the solitude of his bunk. He put his knives away carefully and sat down on the edge of the bed.

Jayne didn't know what was going to happen, but he knew he was royally humped.

Kaylee quickly left the galley and returned to the engine room, leaving River alone to ponder what had just occurred. When she first stumbled across Kaylee's frustration, she had intended to help her friend figure her brother out. Kaylee's idea was flawed and illogical, but she was so excited about it, so River went along. But then she had caught a glimpse of Jayne's thoughts and everything changed in an instant. The big man thought she was pretty. He actually liked her and when she remembered his vision of slow-dancing in the cargo bay, she felt a slight twinge of an unidentifiable emotion settle in her stomach. She was shocked to realize she actually liked the image.

It was preposterous. Ridiculous. Entirely and completely untrue. She could not possibly like his idea because she didn't like him. She did not have any feelings for that big man-like ape beyond a passing annoyance at the very idea of his existence. He was there. They co-existed together as individuals, but nothing more. They weren't even friends. He wasn't even that handsome.

Well, maybe he was handsome. She could at least admit that much. But beyond that, he truly had nothing that recommended himself to her. He had tried to sell her out to the Feds on Ariel, after all.

But he realized his mistake and helped her and Simon get to safety, she argued with herself.

He also tried to get rid of her after the Maidenhead incident.

In his defense, he had tried to stop her in the bar and she had knocked him out. Plus, she was crazy.

He was arrogant and self-centered.

And fiercely loyal and protective of the women on his crew.

He was a killer.

But so was she.

River groaned and buried her face in her hands, frustrated at her inner battle. She had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that Kaylee's latest scheme was a very, very bad idea.

A/N: None of this is mine. It all belongs to Joss. He is awesome. You know who else is awesome? My beta, badkarma00.