A/N: I haven't written a POV in a while, and was feeling strangely depressive, so came up with this. Pardon for the poor quality, this was a quickie.
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Only You
"I love you, Rei."
How can you look at me like that, so very much like you usually do, and say that what I feel for you is what you feel for me?
I don't want to hear you anymore; I don't want to see your face or that self-assured, haughty smile. You give that smile only to me, as if I'm the only one worth it, the only one strong enough to withstand it. Aa, but I know that that's a lie, too, like so many things about you are a lie. You're not capable of ever being truthful; perhaps because you're too afraid of the truth, or maybe that you can't face up to it. You're such a coward; you run and hide from everything that dares challenge you, that attempts to touch you. You bear your claws and strike, sinking your fangs into the tender flesh of hearts not very different from my own.
And so, that smile is a fraud, a skewed, distorted rendition of a beautiful gesture. And still, I love it. You lie and I love you for it. I love you, and I hate myself.
"I love you."
You say again, your voice barely a whisper ghosting through the thick air, a brushing phantasm against my skin. How cruel can you be? You purposely toy with my feelings like thin, razor-like strings on a marionette, sharply biting into my flesh, crisscrossing over my pale skin. And still you say you love me, in that taunting, mocking way.
I run, blindly, and let the wind interlope with my hair, guide my body forward. I hear your voice in my head, louder than ever, reproaching, beseeching, jeering, caressing. And I see your eyes, your beautiful garnets of eyes, now cold, now trusting. Why can't I escape from you? Why can't you leave me alone? Why can't you see me? Look at me! Look at me and tell me what you see!
Nothing! You see nothing! A face, a smiling mouth, eyes and nose and hair, but that's all there is. The smile is fake, as is the image. Everything is a façade, a visage I paint on my face and hope everyone would mistake as the real thing. Even I don't know what I truly am; there's so many lies. I have forgotten who I am, gotten mixed up with chasing and being chased and not realizing that I was playing a game. This me that you see – that you say you love – is not really there, it's a beautiful, painful mask. Cut away the strings, wash away the pain, and what remains? Nothing. And so you don't really love me, but my face, which is not real at all. You love me and you have never met me.
As have others before you. Do they know who I am? No. Have they truly ever seen me? No. No! No! No! They see exactly what's before them, they never thought that maybe – under some unlikely, improbable possibility – that good little, hunky dory Rei might be hiding something.
I stop running; my feet feel numb, my chest tightens as I try to take in breath. My heart hurts. There's a lake behind me, a silver chequered sky above, both are dark, welcoming obsidian. I close my eyes firmly, tightness and heat in my throat and behind my eyelids, and see your face. Gods, you're beautiful, hauntingly, surreally so. I want to call out to you, wherever you are, I want to hold you and cry with you; I want to kiss you and make love to you; I want to feel you against me, in me, as I am in you. And still there is pain.
Something sharp in the palm of my hand. A swipe, an abrupt, jarring motion.
I open my eyes and stare at my hands. I laugh and look to the sky, a black, unforgiving dome above me. The stars laugh, too, winking at me, asking whether I'd like to join them in their nightly ritual. And there's blood on my hands, running in an elaborate, beautiful crimson pattern down my forearms, gathering in little pools in my palms. I throw my head back, close my eyes, and dance, twirl around on my spot because I'm too tired to form some semblance of ordered movement. You still look at me, in my mind's eye, with those magnetic eyes of yours and I don't even feel pain anymore. There's this ironic something in the air but for some reason I can't bring myself to laugh, as if that would disturb the stillness and bring back the pain.
I reach out my bloodied hands to the stars and let go, breathing out your name softly. Water rushes around me, enveloping me, womb-like. For a second, nothing to me now, the coldness of it makes me cringe; my clothes cling to my body. Then I feel warm and safe. I smile. My hair drifts around me, tangling with my hands which I still reach out to the stars, now transient rays underneath the water. The blood also swirls around me, in rich, luscious rivulets, dancing before my eyes. My hands suddenly look so pale, so dead compared to the bright crimson.
I see your face before me, and I wonder whether I should weep; I have seen enough of that face. The image floats above the surface of the water. The depths are distorting the image, making it appear as if you're calling out to me, not grinning arrogantly but crying, screaming out my name. The blood and the water rushes in my head; I can hear you, too, urgent and insistent. I laugh again and the water mixed with blood rushes into my mouth.
I let a soft smile touch my lips; my heart still hurts, but I ignore that, pain is something I don't have to worry about now. I want to have a last unguarded glimpse at you, of everyone; I wish I was strong enough to handle that. And so, like a scorched, wild rose, I bring a hand to my heart and take in the image of you as is it, distorted and illusionary.
I drift down and down, where the light is only a fleeting, fearful flicker, where the bliss of nothingness welcomes me, and only you remain.
hitomi o tojite sora o miage hadashi no mama de odoritsuzuketa
kaze ni motare...
yubisaki ga fureru ude o tsuranuku ya ga michi o sashishimesu
Close your eyes, look up at the sky, and keep dancing barefoot
Against the wind...
The arrow that pierces my arm with trembling fingertips shows the way
~Gackt, "Cube"
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Welp... that was.... odd o___O Just to sort some things out because I know they were rather vague: Kai told Rei that he loves him, but Rei thought that everybody (including Kai) did not truly know him, cared for him as he was. And so, he... killed himself because he couldn't handle the lying anymore; he wanted to be himself for at least once in his life.