A/N: Another SongFic. What can I say? I like writing them. Please enjoy.
Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling = 'Harry Potter' -o- Matchbox Twenty = 'If You're Gone' -o- SiriusBlack4Ever = Neither of These
If You're Gone
Written by Sailor C
Inspired by the Harry Potter books by J.K. Rowling and the song 'If You're Gone' by Matchbox Twenty
"Come on Harry! Let's go!"
"Yeah, yeah, I'll be there in a minute!"
"You're going to miss dinner!"
"Just go on down – I'll catch up with you guys in a minute!"
"Err, all right then, Harry. We'll see you in a bit."
With that, the voices subsided, and Harry was sure that he was the only left in all of Gryffindor Tower. He let out a small sigh of relief. He really wanted to make sure that there wasn't anyone else that could suddenly run back into his dormitory while he was doing this. He had his mind set to this one thing, and he really didn't want to have to curse anyone to be able to get it done in peace.
He sighed again, and went over to his bed. He sat on the edge of it, staring at the small bottle perched on the table next to it. It was filled with a soft, transparent blue liquid.
He had been brewing it himself for the last few weeks in Moaning Myrtles old bathroom, away from the prying eyes of everyone else. The 'recipe' for it had been in 'Most Potent Potions', a book that was only found in the Restricted Section. However, since he couldn't ask anyone to get the book from there for obvious reasons, he had snuck out to the Library late one night under his Invisibility Cloak, and had copied down the potion on to his own piece of parchment.
Now, weeks later, it was finally complete; he would finally be able to take the Death Potion. The potion was similar to the Killing Curse, meaning that it was banned by the Ministry of Magic, except under very extreme conditions.
However, unlike the Curse, you didn't have to be an advanced wizard to use it. Harry would have used the Killing Curse, but since he wasn't exactly an advanced wizard yet, he didn't know if it would work properly, and since the Ministry would know that he used it, they would be here in a matter of seconds. He could only imagine the problems that would ensue with something like that; in fact, he didn't want to think of the possibilities of what could happen. So, he just decided to go with using the potion – it would ensure him a quick and easy death, and people would only know that it had happened after they found him, and by then, it would be done and over with.
He sighed for the third time within a matter of a few minutes. It would be so nice to finally let go of all of this. He had never had an easy life, and Hogwarts and Sirius were really the only things that he lived for. However, after Sirius left him, everything went downhill, and not even Hogwarts could bring him from his pain anymore. He had started to become really scared and paranoid lately – he thought for sure that Hogwarts would make him forget his pain for Sirius, but it turned out to be the exact opposite of that. Being here, surrounded by people, seemed to make it worse. Everyone tried to make him feel happy, whispering encouraging words to him, but he felt even more horrible than he had before they had told him everything.
He picked up a piece of parchment, a quill, and a bottle of ink. He dipped the end of the quill into the ink bottle, and began to write:
Dear Ron and Hermione,
By now, I've probably passed on. But before I get on with the rest of my letter, I want you both to realize this up front: it's not your fault. That being said, let me continue on.
Ever since the end of our fourth year when Cedric died, I've been having a really hard time with myself. I've felt like doing this since that night when I fought Voldemort in the graveyard, but I've always been holding on for a little longer for three key things: Sirius, you two, and along with those, Hogwarts. I always felt that Hogwarts was my home, and I felt that no matter what, this could always help me in dealing with my grief. I also was hanging on for Sirius, because he was always there for me, and always knew exactly what I was going through. I can't describe to you how I really felt about him. I mean, he was more than just my godfather; he was my best friend, the person I went to first when something was wrong – he wasmy father since my biological one couldn't be here.
However, after he died, I felt like I couldn't go on. I wanted to just crawl up in a corner and die. But I didn't. I was hanging on once again, this time for you, and for Hogwarts. I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I really focused on it, that once I came back here, I could release all of these feelings inside of me and go back to living my life the way it used to be. But obviously, that didn't happen. I came back here, and if at all possible, felt even worse than before I came here. I tried, I really did – but it didn't seem to work. Everyone was trying to make me feel better, trying to tell me they knew how I felt. But they didn't; no one did. I was just feeling worse and worse as the days wore on, and soon enough, I didn't feel like I was living for anything anymore.
I had been holding on to Hogwarts, but I suddenly felt as though I had grabbed hold of the doorknob and was about to walk out. Hogwarts, my empire, which had always made me feel relaxed and happy, didn't anymore. Now, it made me feel unsure, and I knew that the feeling would never go away. And with that, I decided that my life wasn't really worth living anymore.
Everyone suddenly seemed to grow mean, they just didn't understand! And yet, although I knew there was an easier way out, I still tried. I knew that there was still something in my life that I needed, that I was still just scared, and didn't know what to do. But again, I was proven wrong, as things got worse still. I started to become wallowed in my own pity and grief, and I knew that I had this problem with my life. So now, after all this time, I'm finally dealing with it.
Everyone else seems gone to me except for you two, but that isn't enough to help me go on. I try to persuade myself to keep going for the both of you now, but then I think, what am I going to do when I can't be with you two again, or if I loose you? I think that it's really time for me to finally go home to where I belong, where my parents and Sirius are. Everyone here is still trying to help, but with it all, I just feel enclosed. I feel claustrophobic with everyone hovering around me all the time, trying to make it right. The only thing to make it right anymore would be spending time with my parents and Sirius, which I will finally be able to do.
This problem – this issue - is just too hard to get over; nothing is shining in my life anymore. I know that I can't stay here any longer – this is all too painful for me. As much as I hate leaving the two of you, I can't help but think of the time I'll be spending with Sirius and my parents now.
Well, the time has finally come. I just want to let you both know again that this isn't your fault – if you want to blame someone, blame me, or blame Voldemort. Not yourselves. You always told me not to blame myself for Cedric's, Sirius', or my parent's deaths, so don't blame yourselves for mine. Keep your heads up, and just keep going. Kill off Voldemort for me, and avenge him in the way that I couldn't. Don't worry about the Prophecy – if I can do this now, I'm already breaking it, and so you can break it once again and defeat Voldemort yourselves. You're both powerful enough to do that, and with the Order on your side, you can win. I'm sure of that.
I love both of you guys so much – you've meant the world to me, and you've always been there for me, too. Tell everyone I'm sorry for hurting them if I have, and tell Draco Malfoy that I think he's an ugly, stupid, good-for-nothing little git, and make sure he knows that. Oh, and tell Remus that I love him, too. While Sirius wasn't there, he was sort of my 'replacement godfather', and that meant a lot to me as well. Tell him I appreciated that. And make sure you tell McGonagall that, considering the circumstances, that she should keep her promise to me by helping you, Ron, to become an Auror instead. Tell her that's my dream now – for you to live yours.
That's all I needed to tell you. Again, I love you guys, so don't ever forget that.
Love,
Harry
p.s. All my money is to be divided up among you and your families. I won't need it anymore, so I want it to go into good hands. I'll be watching you guys from up above to make sure that you make full use of it!
With that, Harry set his quill down, and replaced the lid on the ink bottle. Then he placed the parchment on his beside table, and grabbed the bottle. Letting out one final, deep breath, he called out to the silence, "Mum, Dad, Sirius; I'm coming home."
Then he popped open the bottle, raised it to his mouth, and drained the whole thing in one gulp.
-o-
Later that night, after dinner, Ron and Hermione were making their way up to the Common Room.
"I wonder why Harry didn't come down to dinner?" Hermione asked worriedly.
"Ah, he's probably feeling a little depressed again, and just needed some time to himself," Ron said, smiling a bit, though his eyes had flecks of fear in them. They walked into the empty Common Room.
"I'll go up and check on him," Ron said, glancing at Hermione, who nodded. He walked up the steps rather quickly, and opened the door to their dorm.
"Harry?" he quietly called to the darkness. There was no answer, so he walked over to Harry's bed. Then he screamed.
He could here Hermione running up the stairs as he slumped to the floor, crying.
"Ron, what is it? What's wron-" she suddenly gasped, and then she too screamed. She ran over to where Ron was spread on the floor, and her eyes immediately filled with tears.
There, lying on the bed in front of Ron, was Harry, his eyes shut tight, no expression on his face whatsoever. When she reached out to touch his face, she quickly retracted her hand at it's coldness. She then slumped down to the floor next to Ron, and started sobbing. Ron put his arms around her, and they started weeping together, hands clinging to each other.
Whether a few minutes or a few hours passed, neither was sure, but they soon heard a stern voice entering in their mind.
"Miss Granger, Mr. Weasley? What is going on here?" said the voice of Professor McGonagall. Hermione looked up to see the blurry outline of her standing in the doorway. She tried to speak, but her words came out in whispers that were punctured by loud, guttural sobs.
"It's Harry," she said, a sob escaping her mouth, sending small shivers down her spine and pricking her chest like tiny little pins. "He – he's – dead."
As she said this, another loud sob escaped her mouth, and she buried her head in to Ron's chest.
Ron looked up at Professor McGonagall through his tear-filled eyes, waiting to see her expression.
Her eyes grew wide, her nostrils flared, and her lips became the thinnest that Ron had ever seen them.
She quickly rushed over to the bed where Harry was laying, and felt his head and cheeks, which were enticingly cold, and sent small shivers running through her long, old arms. She felt his neck for a pulse, but found none, and closed her eyes slowly.
"Merlin," she whispered softly, her eyes filling with tears as well. She looked down with red-rimmed eyes at the two teenagers sitting on the floor beneath her, crying over the loss of their best friend. She considered joining them, but knew what she had to do.
She softly laid a hand on both their shoulders, telling them that she would be right back. Ron and Hermione barely heard her; they were still sobbing uncontrollably. Moments later, they heard her coming back, this time with Professor Dumbledore.
The two looked up at him, wondering what he was going to do. They noticed his face, which was totally devoid of anything. The twinkle that was usually in his eyes was gone, and their normal sky blue had turned a dark navy color. The benign smile that was normally present on his mouth was completely gone, leaving in it's place a small frown that seemed to crease all of the lines on his ancient face, making it almost appear as though it was sagging.
He walked over to Harry, and like McGonagall, touched his face and forehead, and checked his neck for a pulse. However, before he even did that, he knew it would be useless: Harry was long gone.
As he was turning round to look at the two on the floor, he spotted the note lying on the table next to the bed. He read the first line and discovered that it was written out to Ron and Hermione, and quietly handed it to them.
Neither looked like they could read anything, but once Hermione noticed Harry's untidy scrawl on the page, she quickly started reading it out loud, her voice still barely above a whisper, sobs still puncturing the flow of her reading.
When she was finished, she couldn't help but feel upset and guilty for what had happened, despite the fact that Harry had told them both not to blame themselves. Dumbledore seemed to realize what they were both thinking, for he spoke very softly to the both of them.
"Ron, Hermione, you must understand something," he told them, his voice trying to sound convincing, but very soft and quiet, as though he was longing to just sit and cry as well. "Harry didn't do this because of you. He did this because of everything that has happened to him, none of which was your fault."
"But if we had paid more attention to him, he might not have done this," Ron said, speaking for the first time.
"I'm afraid he still would have eventually, Ron," Dumbledore said sadly. "It sounded like he was going to do it sometime or another, and no one could have prevented him from doing it. It's just something that you'll have to accept."
"No, I'm not going to accept it!" Ron shouted at him. "I won't accept that Harry's dead! He's my best friend, and I'm not going to loose him because his life was getting too hard for him!"
"Ron," Hermione said, looking at him. "He's right. As much as I hate to admit it, he is right. There's nothing more that we could have done."
Ron was looking dumbstruck at Hermione. He felt as though she had just slapped him in the face. She was actually accepting the fact that Harry was dead. She was just going to let it all go, just like that.
"Hermione, how could you?" he asked her, his voice almost completely silent. "How could you say something like that? He wouldn't do this, would he? He wouldn't kill himself, would he? He would never do something that would hurt us this bad, would he? Would he?" he kept asking her.
She looked into his eyes, which seemed to clueless now, and wrapped her arms tightly around him again, where he slumped down into her embrace as a new flood of tears escaped the safety of his eyes and cascaded like rushing waterfalls down his cheeks.
They weren't aware of Professors' McGonagall and Dumbledore taking Harry's body away, and continued sitting there for hours, until they both fell asleep in each others arms.
That night, they both had the same dream. They were both running together for the Hogwarts grounds, and finally made it to the Entrance Hall, where they pushed open the large oak doors, and ran outside.
-o-
The light was almost blinding, and as they both stood there they were suddenly drawn over to the place where their favorite oak tree stood. As they neared it, they heard soft, happy, laughter filled voices.
When they were only ten feet from it, they saw the distinct outline of four people sitting under it, all laughing together. They both sped up, and finally recognized two of the people. One of them had jet black hair, glasses, and bright green eyes that shown brightly in the sunlight, while the other had long black hair that flowed gracefully in his face, his eyes shining an equally bright icy blue: Harry and Sirius.
"Harry!" Hermione screamed, running over. "Sirius!"
All four people looked up at her, and smiled. They all stood up together, and Harry and Sirius were pelted by Hermione, knocking them back to the ground.
They both smiled and held her tightly, as she sobbed into Harry's shoulder.
"Watch it, Hermione, these are the only robes I have," Harry said to her softly.
She looked up into his face, tears streaking down her face. "Harry," she said. "How could you do this?" His face hardened a bit, and he sighed.
"I told you she wasn't going to be happy, mate," Sirius said, looking over at Harry. That was when Hermione looked up at Sirius, and she grabbed just him around the neck.
"Oh, Sirius, I can't believe I'm seeing you again!"
Sirius laughed his bark-like laugh, and placed his arms gently around her. "Well, at least you're happy to see someone here."
"Who said that she was happy to see you, Padfoot?" someone else asked. Hermione looked over to the left side of Harry, and saw two people whom she had never met before, but would recognize anywhere.
One looked just like Harry, except that he was a little taller, had a slightly longer nose, and had crisp, autumn brown eyes. He looked to be about Sirius' age, as did the woman next to him. She had long, flowing red hair that cascaded over her slender shoulders, and she had startlingly green eyes just like Harry's. Hermione knew instantly who they were: Lily and James Potter, Harry's parents.
They both reached out a hand to her. "Hello, Hermione," the man said. "I'm James."
"And I'm Lily," the woman added.
Hermione nodded her head. "I know," she said, still overwhelmed.
They both smiled again, before turning to look behind Hermione.
"Well, there's no need to be a stranger," James said, and Lily nodded her head, her rusty hair bobbing up and down with her head.
Ron slowly walked up and took James' hand, then Lily's.
"We're both pleased to finally meet you face to face, Ron," Lily said, smiling.
"Err, same here," Ron said, clearly not sure what he was supposed to say. Then he looked over at Sirius. "Sirius, mate. It's good to err, see you again."
"You as well, Ron," Sirius said, smiling, and shaking Ron's hand.
Finally, Ron turned to look at Harry as well. Harry was smiling widely up at him, but one look at Ron's face made the smile disappear.
"Hermione's right, Harry," Ron said. "Why'd you do it?"
Harry shifted uncomfortably, and Ron sat down and placed a hand on his shoulder. He looked back into his best friends face and said quietly, "I thought the letter explained all that."
"All the letter said was that you were fed up with life. Does that mean that you're fed up with us, too?" he asked, his eyes stinging with tears.
"Of course not, Ron," Harry told him, suddenly placing his hand on Ron's. "I thought you would understand that in the letter. I love both you and Hermione deeply, but I couldn't stand looking at the world anymore, not when the world couldn't stand looking at me."
"What do you mean? We could stand looking at you, Harry," Ron said, exasperated.
Harry sighed. "I know, but you and the Order were the only ones. No one else accepted me for me anymore. I felt as though I was in the middle of a huge room, all by myself, and even though I had enough room to roam freely, I couldn't. I felt like I could hardly move; like I could hardly do anything."
He looked into Ron's eyes. "But remember, that isn't your fault. You and Hermione kept me hanging on for as long as I did after I came back to Hogwarts. You were both still there for me, and I'll never forget that."
Then, he embraced Ron for the first time in his 'life', and held him there, while one soft tear escaped Ron's eye. Hermione soon joined the hug by putting her arms around the other two, and Sirius was soon to follow. Then finally, Lily and James placed their arms around the four person hug, and Harry softly whispered, "I love you all."
Suddenly, Hermione and Ron woke up, their arms still around each other. Each could still feel the warmth from the other four people around them, though they were no where to be seen.
The two looked into each other's eyes, and smiled, each feeling a warm feeling inside their hearts. Each had felt wrong and doubtful before, but the problem seemed to be gone now, and they had dealt with it.
As always, thanks for reading this. Please review if you liked it, and even if you didn't let me know that, too. I could use a little constructive and ugly criticism.
Again, thanks to J. K. Rowling for letting me borrow her characters without asking...
The lyrics to'If You're Gone' can be found below.
Much Luv,
Sailor C
If You're Gone
Written by matchbox TWENTY
'I think I already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak – I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like you're hand's on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed – I can't be sure
I think you're so mean – I think we should try
I think I could need – this in my life
I think I'm just scared – I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone – maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone – baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need – more than you mind
I think you're so mean – I think we should try
I think I could need – this in my life
I think I'm just scared – that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem
I'm feeling
If you're gone – maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone – baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I think you're so mean – I think we should try
I think I could need – this in my life
I think I'm just scared – do I talk too much
I know it's wrong it's a problem I'm dealing