New Protectors of the Plot Continuum
~*~
A/N: Since a reviewer has asked, I'm obliged to issue a disclaimer. *clears throat* Kate and Anne are from my mind alone, and the Sue stories are NOT ours. We actually use other peoples' fanfictions for our own despicable purposes, believe it or not. Such is the ways of the past PPCs, Jay and Acacia. Acacia also owns the idea of the PPC headquarters, Upstairs, and all bizarre personel henceforth (aside from the people in the various departments).
Oh, and for those interested, you can find the original Protectors of the Plot Continuum at a fanfic site called Henneth Annûn (http://www.henneth-annun.net), but you have to search at the top of the page for the author (Acacia).
~*~
Chapter one -- Unforgettable
~*~
[BEEP][BEEP][BEEP]
"Oh, shut up!" Anne frowned and swatted at the display screen in front of her. The incessant beeping ceased as if the console had listened. "Oh, GREAT. Wake up, Kate, we've found another one!"
The figure laying on the couch not three feet away shifted. "Tell her to get a life," Kate moaned. "I don't feel like chasing another Canon-wrecking, errant author today."
"Too bad, it's our job."
"How can it be a job if we don't get paid?"
Anne sighed. "I don't know."
Kate finally rolled off of the couch and stood behind the latter. "Ugh, what's the deal?"
"Another Mary Sue is at it again, in Middle Earth." A gasp escaped the girl. "Oh NO..." She pushed her chair back a little and, removing the denim baseball cap from her head, began to bash her forehead into the desk.
"Is it THAT bad?"
Anne only whimpered and continued to pound a dent into the hardwood desk.
Sighing, Kate nabbed her by the chestnut brown ponytail that normally hung behind the girl's back. "Quit, Upstairs will get onto you for breaking another desk." She took a moment to read the words on the screen, then gave what sounded like a strangled squawk and stumbled back, letting go of Anne's hair.
"I TOLD you," Anne whimpered again. "It's terrible! Doesn't she even believe in saving that for marriage?!"
"Obviously not. Get your gear, this'll be one interesting mission..."
The other girl glared at the screen one last time before grabbing her Canon Analysis Device. "Ok, THAT was the last straw, Girlie!" She shouted at the screen. "NO ONE makes Boromir do THAT!" She paused, then added to herself in a growl, "nor does anyone make him SAY things like that..."
"I thought you gave up being a Boromir fan when you saw The Two Towers," Kate called from their Equipment Room.
"I've always been a Boromir fan, and an Aragorn fan, and an entire Fellowship fan. THIS is just WRONG." Anne growled low in her throat and nabbed a Walkman, headphones, and deck of cards. "This is a long fic... we may be waiting a while before we can kill her."
Kate slung a heavy backpack of gear over her shoulder and sighed. "How long? I hate it when we have to hang around forever." She nabbed her Character Analysis Device and stuck it in a pocket somewhere. "Please don't tell me she joins the Fellowship..."
"No, she joins the Fellowship behind Elrond's back."
"I asked you not to tell me that...!" Kate pressed a button on a remote, causing a door-like portal to appear on the wall in front of her, then handed the remote to her partner. "Oh, well. What disguises this time? Orcs? Uruk-Hai? Elves?" She sighed blissfully. "C'mon, let's be Elves!"
"Alright, but only if I get to be a male Elf. I hate traveling in those long dresses." She frowned. "Actually, I hate dresses all together. Hey, I'm skipping ahead of the scenes in Gondor -- I don't want to see this Sue drag poor Boromir into bed." Anne pressed some buttons on a console and leaped through the portal, leaving Kate to follow.
The two felt their disguises fall into place and glanced around. They were in the woods, about three yards behind two travelers on horseback. Anne squeaked and, nabbing Kate by the collar, dragged her into the bushes before one of the two could turn around.
"Did you hear that?" A female voice asked. Kate and Anne exchanged worried glances -- they knew the non-Canon characters could see them. A clear advantage to being a PPC is that most agents are completely invisible to the Canons.
A male voice replied with a slight chuckle. "No, I did not. You must be hearing things."
"Child," the obvious Sue countered playfully.
"That I am." Boromir laughed.
The two Elves shared a silent moan and hung their heads. "I think I'm going to gag," Anne growled.
Kate's eyes became unfocused as she stared forwards, trying to read the words of the story. "Nah, save it 'til she fights and kills an orc in the nude. Or when she sleeps with Boromir for the fifth time." She scowled. "It's beyond me how this made a PG13 rating. Maybe she's trying to cope with the fact that no one would read an NC-17 fic?"
"You KNOW that no one looks at ratings these days." Anne began to fumble with her equipment pack. "Crud, where'd I put that Analysis thing..." She finally found the small machine and pointed the front at the woman on the horse. Large, urgent red letters flashed on the screen, almost blinding them at first.
[Arilyn. Human female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]
Kate grunted and withdrew her own device, pointing it at Boromir.
[78.72%! CHARACTER RUPTURE!]
"Not good. When can we kill her?" She asked, casing a glance at Anne.
The other drew in a thoughtful breath, reading the words as she thought. "Ah... probably not until they get to Caradhras. She picks up Frodo when he falls." She scowled. "Oh, how touching... she has to decide between Aragorn, her kin; and Boromir, her love... I shed a tear," she muttered sarcastically, casting a dark glare in the direction Boromir and Arilyn had gone.
"Good! We get to see the Hobbits!" Kate said, enthusiastic.
"In the meantime, we could either follow them to the possibly non-existent inn in Tharbad..." Anne glanced at the words with narrowed eyes. "Or we could skip ahead to see X-rated Wonder Woman single-handedly kill off some of the orcs that ambush her when she's bathing."
Kate made a face. "I vote for the inn. Could we meet them there? I think they still have a day to go."
"Sounds good." Anne pulled out the Remote Activator and clicked it; another door-like portal opened in front of them. "BONZAI!" The girl lept through, slowly followed by her accomplice. Kate knew good and well the Classic Laws of Comedy would place a tree right in the way of wherever the landing point may be...
~*~
"OW!"
Kate cackled madly at the expression on Anne's face. "I KNEW there would be something in your way..."
Anne scowled and picked herself up off the ground, glaring at the tree as she did. "Ugh... how much you want to bet the Sue put that there just for me to run into it?"
A small, quaint village sat some twenty yards away from their landing spot. The two elves strolled into the village, glancing around for the inn related to in the fic. It was half an hour before they finally found their destination. A crowd of drunken men going out of the inn passed the Elves, singing a song in horrible disharmony at the top of their lungs. Anne was barely quick enough to duck when an ale mug was thrown in the direction of the men.
"I'll bet this place has a wonderful reputation," she muttered, holding the door for her partner.
They approached the large desk before them, where a small man sat with his nose buried in a book.
"'Scuse me," Kate began. The man looked up, startled, and pushed a pair of spectacles further up on his nose. "We'd like a room, please, sir."
"Of course." The man called a younger man, who appeared to be in his teens, over to him. "Alasar, please excort these gentle... elves to a vacant room." The man smiled at the two Elves. "Follow him."
"Thanks!" Anne called out as they followed the teen up a flight of stairs.
As soon as they had reached their rooms, the two Elves sprawled out on separate beds and shared a comfortable moment of silence. Kate let out a delighted sigh and lazily reached for her pack, fumbling to find her headphones. Anne, in the meantime, sat up and began to play Solitaire on her bedspread with the cards they had brought.
"How long 'til they get here?" Kate asked, closing her eyes, tuning in to the sounds of Caedmon's Call and singing softly to herself.
Anne glanced up at the words from her card game. "Eh... 'nother hour."
"You're softer than a cannonblast... hmm? Oh, good. I'm getting some sleep, in that case." She rolled over and, within seconds, was asleep. Her partner only shook her head and continued the game set out before her.
An hour passed before Anne realized it. A banging on the door across the hall from their room caused her to jump and scatter the cards in all directions. She threw herself to the door and opened it slowly, trying to see who or what was outside. A man was standing outside the opposite door with a very sour expression on his face.
"Oh no, we're missing it!" Anne skidded over to the other bed and shook her partner. "Kate, you're going to sleep through our chance to..." she trailed off when the other girl moaned, rolled over and fell asleep again. "...or not."
The banging sounded again. A growl to all heavy sleepers escaped the Elf's throat as she crept back to the door, just in time to see the Sue open her door for the man. Anne noticed she was only wrapped in a cloak, as if she had been dressing. 'I hate shallow Sues,' she thought disgustedly. 'Actually, I hate all Sues...'
"Can I help you?" Arilyn said sweetly.
The man looked her up and down, a cocky smile on his face. "I'm sorry miss. I'm looking for a man."
"No man here," She cut him off. Biting her lip she gave a seductive sigh, "at least, not yet." She looked down then back up to his face.
He raised a brow, "Miss, I."
Anne moaned, for the grammar had now started to hurt her head.
"Evil time!" The Elf flung himself out the door and rammed his shoulder into the man, causing him to topple into the door, which in turn knocked the Sue back on her rear. Anne, from her spot in the hall, heard Boromir shift inside the closet and prayed he'd still be in character enough not to try and rescue the woman. "I am sorry, sir," she wailed, trying to sound believable. "I must have tripped over a loose board!"
The man whirled around, staring at the Elven man before him. "I... suppose it's all right." Behind him, Arilyn was starting to climb to her feet, holding her eye in a protective fashion.
Anne quickly turned and scooted back into her room, waiting until she had closed the door to burst into laughter. This aroused Kate, who stared at her in a strange way until her partner stopped to breathe.
"I'm not even going to ask what you did THIS time," she declared.
The other Elf grinned. "Not unless you'd like to hear about how loose floorboards can be hazerdous to a Sue's health."
"You're right, I wouldn't. Nothing else happens 'til tomorrow, I'm going to sleep, good night."
~*~
The morning came faster than either of the two expected. Anne, the lighter sleeper, awoke when Boromir's and the Sue's door closed. She jumped out of her bed, tripped over her own feet, and fell face-first onto Kate's bed. The girl sat bolt upright, glancing about wildly as Anne sank to the floor.
"What! Who's dying?!"
Anne pulled herself back to her feet and groaned. "They're going down for breakfast, then they're leaving. Let's go -- I'm starving!"
Kate sighed. "Fine..."
Ten minutes later, the two Elves stumbled down the stairs and into the tavern. They crossed the room to sit two tables away from Boromir and the Sue, who were sitting in the corner. Anne caught a glance at the Sue's black eye and tried not to laugh; Arilyn's vain attempts at hiding it behind her hair weren't working.
Even though neither of the girls were familiar with the work system of an inn, they acted casual when a waitress (who was probably non-existent in the non-existent inn) came and asked for their food orders, and left shortly. Kate watched past Anne's shoulder in disgust at Boromir and Arilyn as they pulled into a kiss over their table.
"THAT'S gross," she growled. "Public Display of Affection should be illegal."
Anne nodded absently, toying with a piece of bread on a fork. "I know. PDA's sick."
"...Eh, when can we kill her?"
"Not 'til Caradhras, remember? I call her!"
Kate gave a sigh and tried not to look back at the two lovebirds. "Ugh, go ahead. You'll need someone to occupy Boromir, since he'll probably try to be noble. And I get the next one, especially if she's a Frodo fangirl."
A chunk of the bread flew across the room and hit a heavyset man on the back of the head. Wide-eyed, Anne quickly threw the fork onto the table and tried to look like she was listening to her conversation when the man turned around.
"You're impossible," Kate moaned, resting her forehead in her hand.
"What bread? Didn't eat any bread..." Anne tried to look out the corner of her eye at the man, but saw Boromir and Arilyn leaving. "Ack! They're going!" She wrapped the remaining portion of the eaten loaf as well as an untouched one, stuffed them in her pack, and led the way out of the inn.
~*~
They set out from Tharbad after their meal. Some people gave them wary looks as they passed by. It was barely daylight yet most people know what had happened the night before. They rode in a slow gallop for a few hours until they were at the Bruinen river shores.
"I'll be back." Arilyn grabbed her pack and headed downstream.
"What is this, a Terminator movie?" Kate muttered sourly.
The protectors followed silently in the brush, gently walking on the leaf-laden ground with their elven feet. 'It's the small advantages that make this job all the more fun,' Anne thought. She frowned as the Sue began to undress. "I really, REALLY wish I had a censor block right about now. I don't like Sues who aren't ashamed like that."
"I know." Kate nabbed the bread out of her partner's pack and tore a small piece off of the loaf. "Man, why can't we have food like this at headquarters? This is GOOD bread!"
"We have good food, just not... healthy-ish food. It's all to drive us insane, I tell you!"
"Shh, she can probably hear us..."
The two sat in their hiding spot by the shore, watching as Arilyn waded into the water. She finally took down her hair and dove in, resurfacing where the water was shoulder-level.
Anne suddenly grinned and set down her pack, her bow and her quiver. "I'll be right back..."
"Where're you going?" Her partner hissed, hurredly glancing towards the retreating elf.
"You'll see!" She grabbed two objects from her pack and disappeared into the forest, running upstream from their hiding spot. Arylin looked up, startled, but resumed bathing. A few moments passed by before Kate spotted a clear snorkel sticking up from the water, moving swiftly towards the Sue. She tried hard not to break into a fit of laughter.
The serene silence was cut by a sharp cry from Arilyn, who twisted around in fright. The snorkel quickly swam back upstream and vanished, leaving Kate to her silent laughter and Arilyn to search for what had made her scream. Soon, Anne returned, dripping wet and grinning madly.
"What did you DO?" Kate asked, trying to laugh into her pack.
She shrugged. "Sues almost never pay attention to detail. They never ask themselves, 'Will there be fish in the river that might bite my rear when I bathe?'" She smugly tossed her snorkel and a clamping hair-clip towards her bag.
"You're going to have to decontaminate that when you get back."
"I never use those clips anyway."
Heavy breathing (which was much heavier and much louder than it should have been) echoed from a bush ten feet away from the two elves. They jumped and looked, only to see an Orc (that had a strong resemblence to an Uruk-Hai) hidden in the shrubbery. Arilyn turned towards the Orc, sighing. The world suddenly fazed in and out, which looked almost like what has been technically defined as "snow" on a TV channel with no signal. When everything was back in technicolor, the Sue was crouching in knee-deep water, staring at the Orc in the bushes.
"What was that?" Anne moaned, holding her forehead in her hand.
Kate grunted. "A plothole. She didn't really describe her journey back to shallow water, but since she's about to run to her sword, maybe she forgot she had to get somewhere that would make running easier first."
Sure enough, Arilyn made a dash for her sword, and the Elven agents made a dash in the opposite direction. They didn't want to be caught, and even though they needed to rack charges for the charge list, they figured it would do to read the Words instead of witness the battle. As they ran, Boromir passed them without taking notice of anything but Arilyn's cries for help. His eyes were glossy and unfocused, as if in a trance. Anne sighed sadly to herself, shook her head, and kept the pace with her partner.
~*~
It was early the next morning when a loud noise rang in Anne's ear.
[BEEP][BEEP!][BEEP ALREADY!]
Anne smacked the device next to her head angrily. "Stop that!" She hissed. A thought crossed her mind that normally her Canon Analysis Device didn't speak to her, but she shrugged it away as the beeping died down. She looked up to see Arilyn and Boromir coming towards their campsite on horseback, neither paying attention to where they were going. Anne squeaked something, grabbed her pack, Kate's pack, and dragged her sleeping partner by the arm into the bushes.
The two passed without noticing anything out of the ordinary. Once they were out of hearing distance, Anne frowned and shook Kate roughly. "C'mon, get up. You just missed a close encounter of the Sue kind."
Kate looked up and yawned. "Right. Are we ready to go yet?"
"Yeah. Grab your bag and follow me... unless you'd rather warp ahead to their meeting with Aragorn's party minus one Hobbit." Anne grinned as her partner nodded eagerly. She pointed the Remote Activator, materialized a portal, and walked through it with Kate close behind.
They stepped into an open field and quickly hid behind two trees that happened to be where they needed. Arilyn's voice shouting "Estel!" was heard, and Anne threw a look at Kate, who was trying to look past the trunk of her tree.
"Where have you been? We thought you were dead!" They heard Aragorn's voice exclaim. They cringed at the unnatural excitement in his voice. Kate pointed her Character Analysis Device at Aragorn's gleeful form.
[Aragorn. Human male. Canon. Out of Character 59.83%]
"I haven't been gone that long!" She punched his arm. "I had trouble with Orcs. But I found myself in good hands." She turned to Boromir who was standing protectively at her side.
"I could comment, but I'm not going to," Anne moaned quietly. "And why on earth does she call him Estel instead Aragorn? I mean, she's not an Elf... this is weird." Kate rolled her eyes and watched the meeting.
"Indeed." Estel raised a brow, quickly changing his expression he held out his hand. "I thank you for caring for my sister. She seems to be in need of care." Arilyn stuck her tongue out at him.
"...I mean, if they're supposedly siblings, won't they call each other by their real names?" Anne continued.
"Shh, I can't hear then," Kate hissed.
"I agree." Boromir was rewarded with an elbow to the gut.
Estel cocked his head at her and raised his brow. "I am sorry for her behavior. She doesn't normally act this way."
"Not to worry I am quite used to it by now." Boromir chuckled.
"Really?"
"Ahem!" One of the Hobbits became impatient. "If you wouldn't mind Strider I would I like to catch up to your Elf friend!" Another flick of the device.
[Sam. Hobbit male. Canon. Out of Character %46.48]
Anne frowned. "That was SO not Sam. I don't know who she is, but writing Sam the wrong way is definitely on the charge list."
Estel turned to the small creatures. "I am sorry Sam. We should be on our way. May I introduce a fellow Ranger Arilyn and."
"Boromir of Gondor." Arilyn answered quickly.
Estel nodded knowingly, "And these three before you are Sam, Pippin, and Merry."
"Hullo!" Merry and Pippin said in unison. Device flick number three.
[Merry. Hobbit male. Canon. Out of Character %63.45]
[Pippin. Hobbit male. Canon. Out of Character %55.83]
Arilyn smiled down at them. 'They are so adorable!' She developed a sudden admiration for the two. Anne and Kate developed a sudden urge to lose their lunches.
"I've had enough." Anne pulled out her Remote Activator. "I'm moving ahead to Rivendell to wait for the Council if you'd like to join me. We'll leave them here, so it might be boring until later on, just so you know..."
Kate shrugged. "I'll come with you. Maybe we can play cards to pass the time."
~*~
Hours passed, card games were played, and the six finally arrived in Rivendell just as Anne beat Kate in Egyptian Rat Race for the third time. The Elves glanced up to see everyone coming in for the Council of Elrond. Arilyn took a seat next to Aragorn, while Boromir sat in his assigned seat. From their view, the two could see Sam hiding in the bushes, and Merry and Pippin behind the columns of the building nearby. Arilyn winked at Boromir, who ignored her. Anne was glad that the man was finally starting coming back to his senses.
Elrond began to speak his movie-speech, and Kate glanced at Anne with one eyebrow raised. "Do we know if she got this right?"
"I don't have the movie script memorized," she replied softly.
"Bring forth the ring, Frodo."
Frodo, a Hobbit Arilyn didn't recognize, placed a gold band onto the table. He went quickly back to his seat.
A few of the members gasped, gaping at the ring. "So it is true." Boromir brought his hand up to his face as if in thought.
"The doom of men." Someone whispered. Arilyn looked around, she did not dare look at the ring, and she knew her fate and did not wish to become tempted.
"It is a gift." Her head snapped to Boromir, she could not believe what he had just said. She denied it. She shook her head slowly hoping he would see her, yet he continued. "A gift to the very foes of Mordor. Why not use this ring?" He stood from his seat and paced. "Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor kept the forces of Mordor by the blood of our people while your lands kept safe. Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use is against him!"
"You cannot wield it! None of us can! The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master!" 'Thank you Aragorn!' Arilyn sighed softly.
Boromir turned to him slowly, "And what would a Ranger know of this matter?"
Anne set out her cards to play Solitaire. "Here we go again..." She sighed and rolled her eyes. "I get tired of this whole thing after a while.
Kate nodded. "But one of us has to listen for the charge list," she noted.
"Thanks for volunteering!"
"Are you mad! What do you take this for?" She pointed to the ring. The two Elves jumped -- they hadn't been paying attention, and were startled by her outburst. "It is not another piece of jewelry you construct from your stone halls!"
"And what would you know of this!?" Gimli retorted.
Anne growled. "She's a Sue, she knows everything," she snarled, mocking Arilyn in a high voice.
"More than you would ever know! You hurt those who are connected, and I do not mean Sauron." Her anger took her over, she decided to just yell at Boromir while she was already standing. She pointed at her lover. "And you! How dare you say we can use this against Mordor. Of all people, I would never think that the Captain of Gondor would want to use this. You think that Gondor has no hope, it does! And you insult my kin! After what I have told you. I understand that you would not become so angry with me, but he is the same!"
"Arilyn please." Aragorn said quietly.
"NO!" She looked around the entire group. "None of you know for certain of what we are dealing with save Lord Elrond and Lord Glorfindel. Gandalf does not even fully know!"
"So how do YOU know, Suie?" Kate muttered crossly.
"How dare any of you think that all hope is lost because this ring still exists! Anything is possible, especially at these times." She looked at the Dwarves and woodland Elves. "And during this council if any one of you, Elf or Dwarf, decide to fight over one another, so help me. Every strand of your precious hair will be gone! Gone!" She directed it to Legolas who winced at the thought.
Anne whimpered at how hair-conscious the Elf was. "I'm not even asking for a reading on Legolas," she moaned.
"I know what you are thinking, and if you do not unite now all will surly be lost. It is not but one race that is being threatened, but all. You are all doomed to the same fate if this ring is not destroyed. Act as one! Put the past behind you! For it does not matter now." She took one last angry breath and sat back down. Aragorn turned to her. "Don't talk to me." She said angrily. His head snapped back around.
"Awww, did poow Mawy-Sue get her feewings huwt?" Kate asked in a mocking tone. "Poow BABY! Oh, don't wowwy, Bowy's gonna make it aww bettuh..."
Anne gave her a strange look. "That didn't sound right coming from you," she muttered.
"I don't care. If the charge list is long enough, let's kill her now!"
"She has to join the Fellowship! That's the big thing, or else our charge list barely has anything worth mentioning," Anne hissed. "Just wait."
~*~
The Remote Activator hummed as Anne opened another portal. "C'mon, let's skip ahead to Caradhras. I don't want to see their teary goodbye..." She moved through and almost immediately fell through three feet of snow. A hundred pounds of Kate followed and landed on top of her. "Get OFF!" She hollered, thrashing about.
Kate managed to climb to a part of the snow that was harder than the rest and panted. "Sorry. Maybe we should get that thing looked at..."
"Possibly. Were are they?"
"Over there. They'll be up here in a moment."
"Good." Anne grinned menacingly and pulled out a small palm-pilot-like object that beeped as she turned it on. "I've got the charge list right here -- you may do the honors since I get to kill her."
Frodo rolled past Aragorn and into Arilyn's arms. She scooped him up and cradled him. "Arilyn?" He looked confused, she just smiled down at him.
Kate growled low in her throat. "Now I want to kill her."
"Nope, I called her." Anne pulled an arrow from her quiver and examined the tip. "Hmm... this one'll do."
"Shh..." She walked next to Aragorn and set the hobbit down. Frodo grabbed at his neck, the ring wasn't there. Arilyn scanned the ground; it was in Boromir's hands. He hadn't realized she was there; but when she snatched the chain from his grasp his eyes grew wide and a smile itched his lips. She scowled at him weakly and returned the ring to Frodo.
"What are you doing here?" Aragorn whispered to her.
"Protecting those I love."
"And being a Sue. Show time!" Kate cleared her throat and called loudly to the group. "Arilyn! Um... will Arilyn please step forward?"
The Sue blinked, obviously confused. "I am Arilyn... what business have you with me?"
Kate scowled. "Don't play cute with me, Sue. You know your crimes."
"Crimes?" Boromir stood in front of the girl. "What crimes has she committed?"
The Elf took a deep breath. "Arilyn is charged with disrupting the canon by joining the Fellowship behind Elrond's back, interfering with the Fellowship, Faramir, Elrond, Ellohir, Elladan, and the rest of the people of Gondor; going to bed with Boromir MULTIPLE TIMES, not dying when you should have, using profanity, making Boromir curse, getting Boromir, Aragorn, the Hobbits, and everyone else you interacted with WAY out of character---" she took another breath "---fighting an Uruk-Hai in the nude, bringing in the Uruk-Hai before they were bred, and being a Mary Sue." Kate gasped for air. All her years of training, and she still had trouble repeating a charge list in two breaths.
Arilyn looked absolutely shocked. "I... I have done all this?"
"Believe me, it's much more horrid than you think." Anne pulled the bowstring and arrow back to her ear. "Have a nice day!" The arrow shot through the air and struck Arilyn right between the eyes. Boromir and Aragorn cried out, drawing their swords and running towards the two Elves. An instant before they struck them, however, they stopped and looked around. The glassy look in their eyes left as Anne slung Arilyn's corpse over her shoulder.
"She... she slept with me?" Boromir asked, disgusted.
Kate nodded. "Rather sad, isn't it? But you don't have to worry. She won't bother you anymore." With that, she and Anne disappeared into another Remotely Activated portal.
They appeared in front of a small forest in some random Middle-Earth location. Anne threw the corpse down, grinned, and pulled out something that resembled a wand.
"Hey, where'd you get that?"
She shrugged. "I picked it off of a Sue back when I worked with the Harry Potter Mary Sue department. Pheonix tailfeather, cedar, thirteen inches. Works wonderfully." Anne aimed the end of the wand at the Sue and shouted, "Incidio!" Flames shot out of the wand's tip and engulfed the Sue's body. They watched the funeral pyre for a few moments, then teleported back to their headquarters.
~*~
Anne flopped down on the couch, fingering her wand with mischief on her mind. "Y'know, maybe I should keep this with me more often. I like being able to make Sues do things that aren't very normal."
"Yeah, just don't let Upstairs know you've got it. They'll come after you faster than you can say 'Lumos'," Kate muttered.
"But then I could use a Memory charm to make them forget... I have a list of the spells, you know."
Her partner laughed. "I don't doubt it. Now, let's try and get some sleep before our next mission. I'm kind of worn out from that last Sue..."
They both looked at the console, expecting it to alert them of another mission. When it didn't, they sighed happily, made themselves comfortable in different places of the room, and fell asleep.
Anne's note: Hey, all! Hope y'all enjoyed the first chapter. If anyone wants to report a Mary Sue sighting, Kate and I would be GLAD to kill 'em off (Kate wants Frodo fangirls, I want Aragorn fans or Hobbit huggers, but we'll get rid of any kind of fan -- even Marty Sams)! Gee, I sound like an advertisement... but anyway, check my bio page for an e-mail address, but include the title of the story and the author, please. Searching by main character gets rather tedious... *sighs, then grins* Otherwise, I get to do the searching and spare no Sue nor Sam!
Kate's note: Yeah, send me a Frodo fangirl! Or an Eomer fangirl, if anyone can find one. But other than that, my notes will mostly be short. I'm not writing this, anyway! I only want to kill Sues! Hey Anne, can I have a nice sword next time?
~*~
A/N: Since a reviewer has asked, I'm obliged to issue a disclaimer. *clears throat* Kate and Anne are from my mind alone, and the Sue stories are NOT ours. We actually use other peoples' fanfictions for our own despicable purposes, believe it or not. Such is the ways of the past PPCs, Jay and Acacia. Acacia also owns the idea of the PPC headquarters, Upstairs, and all bizarre personel henceforth (aside from the people in the various departments).
Oh, and for those interested, you can find the original Protectors of the Plot Continuum at a fanfic site called Henneth Annûn (http://www.henneth-annun.net), but you have to search at the top of the page for the author (Acacia).
~*~
Chapter one -- Unforgettable
~*~
[BEEP][BEEP][BEEP]
"Oh, shut up!" Anne frowned and swatted at the display screen in front of her. The incessant beeping ceased as if the console had listened. "Oh, GREAT. Wake up, Kate, we've found another one!"
The figure laying on the couch not three feet away shifted. "Tell her to get a life," Kate moaned. "I don't feel like chasing another Canon-wrecking, errant author today."
"Too bad, it's our job."
"How can it be a job if we don't get paid?"
Anne sighed. "I don't know."
Kate finally rolled off of the couch and stood behind the latter. "Ugh, what's the deal?"
"Another Mary Sue is at it again, in Middle Earth." A gasp escaped the girl. "Oh NO..." She pushed her chair back a little and, removing the denim baseball cap from her head, began to bash her forehead into the desk.
"Is it THAT bad?"
Anne only whimpered and continued to pound a dent into the hardwood desk.
Sighing, Kate nabbed her by the chestnut brown ponytail that normally hung behind the girl's back. "Quit, Upstairs will get onto you for breaking another desk." She took a moment to read the words on the screen, then gave what sounded like a strangled squawk and stumbled back, letting go of Anne's hair.
"I TOLD you," Anne whimpered again. "It's terrible! Doesn't she even believe in saving that for marriage?!"
"Obviously not. Get your gear, this'll be one interesting mission..."
The other girl glared at the screen one last time before grabbing her Canon Analysis Device. "Ok, THAT was the last straw, Girlie!" She shouted at the screen. "NO ONE makes Boromir do THAT!" She paused, then added to herself in a growl, "nor does anyone make him SAY things like that..."
"I thought you gave up being a Boromir fan when you saw The Two Towers," Kate called from their Equipment Room.
"I've always been a Boromir fan, and an Aragorn fan, and an entire Fellowship fan. THIS is just WRONG." Anne growled low in her throat and nabbed a Walkman, headphones, and deck of cards. "This is a long fic... we may be waiting a while before we can kill her."
Kate slung a heavy backpack of gear over her shoulder and sighed. "How long? I hate it when we have to hang around forever." She nabbed her Character Analysis Device and stuck it in a pocket somewhere. "Please don't tell me she joins the Fellowship..."
"No, she joins the Fellowship behind Elrond's back."
"I asked you not to tell me that...!" Kate pressed a button on a remote, causing a door-like portal to appear on the wall in front of her, then handed the remote to her partner. "Oh, well. What disguises this time? Orcs? Uruk-Hai? Elves?" She sighed blissfully. "C'mon, let's be Elves!"
"Alright, but only if I get to be a male Elf. I hate traveling in those long dresses." She frowned. "Actually, I hate dresses all together. Hey, I'm skipping ahead of the scenes in Gondor -- I don't want to see this Sue drag poor Boromir into bed." Anne pressed some buttons on a console and leaped through the portal, leaving Kate to follow.
The two felt their disguises fall into place and glanced around. They were in the woods, about three yards behind two travelers on horseback. Anne squeaked and, nabbing Kate by the collar, dragged her into the bushes before one of the two could turn around.
"Did you hear that?" A female voice asked. Kate and Anne exchanged worried glances -- they knew the non-Canon characters could see them. A clear advantage to being a PPC is that most agents are completely invisible to the Canons.
A male voice replied with a slight chuckle. "No, I did not. You must be hearing things."
"Child," the obvious Sue countered playfully.
"That I am." Boromir laughed.
The two Elves shared a silent moan and hung their heads. "I think I'm going to gag," Anne growled.
Kate's eyes became unfocused as she stared forwards, trying to read the words of the story. "Nah, save it 'til she fights and kills an orc in the nude. Or when she sleeps with Boromir for the fifth time." She scowled. "It's beyond me how this made a PG13 rating. Maybe she's trying to cope with the fact that no one would read an NC-17 fic?"
"You KNOW that no one looks at ratings these days." Anne began to fumble with her equipment pack. "Crud, where'd I put that Analysis thing..." She finally found the small machine and pointed the front at the woman on the horse. Large, urgent red letters flashed on the screen, almost blinding them at first.
[Arilyn. Human female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]
Kate grunted and withdrew her own device, pointing it at Boromir.
[78.72%! CHARACTER RUPTURE!]
"Not good. When can we kill her?" She asked, casing a glance at Anne.
The other drew in a thoughtful breath, reading the words as she thought. "Ah... probably not until they get to Caradhras. She picks up Frodo when he falls." She scowled. "Oh, how touching... she has to decide between Aragorn, her kin; and Boromir, her love... I shed a tear," she muttered sarcastically, casting a dark glare in the direction Boromir and Arilyn had gone.
"Good! We get to see the Hobbits!" Kate said, enthusiastic.
"In the meantime, we could either follow them to the possibly non-existent inn in Tharbad..." Anne glanced at the words with narrowed eyes. "Or we could skip ahead to see X-rated Wonder Woman single-handedly kill off some of the orcs that ambush her when she's bathing."
Kate made a face. "I vote for the inn. Could we meet them there? I think they still have a day to go."
"Sounds good." Anne pulled out the Remote Activator and clicked it; another door-like portal opened in front of them. "BONZAI!" The girl lept through, slowly followed by her accomplice. Kate knew good and well the Classic Laws of Comedy would place a tree right in the way of wherever the landing point may be...
~*~
"OW!"
Kate cackled madly at the expression on Anne's face. "I KNEW there would be something in your way..."
Anne scowled and picked herself up off the ground, glaring at the tree as she did. "Ugh... how much you want to bet the Sue put that there just for me to run into it?"
A small, quaint village sat some twenty yards away from their landing spot. The two elves strolled into the village, glancing around for the inn related to in the fic. It was half an hour before they finally found their destination. A crowd of drunken men going out of the inn passed the Elves, singing a song in horrible disharmony at the top of their lungs. Anne was barely quick enough to duck when an ale mug was thrown in the direction of the men.
"I'll bet this place has a wonderful reputation," she muttered, holding the door for her partner.
They approached the large desk before them, where a small man sat with his nose buried in a book.
"'Scuse me," Kate began. The man looked up, startled, and pushed a pair of spectacles further up on his nose. "We'd like a room, please, sir."
"Of course." The man called a younger man, who appeared to be in his teens, over to him. "Alasar, please excort these gentle... elves to a vacant room." The man smiled at the two Elves. "Follow him."
"Thanks!" Anne called out as they followed the teen up a flight of stairs.
As soon as they had reached their rooms, the two Elves sprawled out on separate beds and shared a comfortable moment of silence. Kate let out a delighted sigh and lazily reached for her pack, fumbling to find her headphones. Anne, in the meantime, sat up and began to play Solitaire on her bedspread with the cards they had brought.
"How long 'til they get here?" Kate asked, closing her eyes, tuning in to the sounds of Caedmon's Call and singing softly to herself.
Anne glanced up at the words from her card game. "Eh... 'nother hour."
"You're softer than a cannonblast... hmm? Oh, good. I'm getting some sleep, in that case." She rolled over and, within seconds, was asleep. Her partner only shook her head and continued the game set out before her.
An hour passed before Anne realized it. A banging on the door across the hall from their room caused her to jump and scatter the cards in all directions. She threw herself to the door and opened it slowly, trying to see who or what was outside. A man was standing outside the opposite door with a very sour expression on his face.
"Oh no, we're missing it!" Anne skidded over to the other bed and shook her partner. "Kate, you're going to sleep through our chance to..." she trailed off when the other girl moaned, rolled over and fell asleep again. "...or not."
The banging sounded again. A growl to all heavy sleepers escaped the Elf's throat as she crept back to the door, just in time to see the Sue open her door for the man. Anne noticed she was only wrapped in a cloak, as if she had been dressing. 'I hate shallow Sues,' she thought disgustedly. 'Actually, I hate all Sues...'
"Can I help you?" Arilyn said sweetly.
The man looked her up and down, a cocky smile on his face. "I'm sorry miss. I'm looking for a man."
"No man here," She cut him off. Biting her lip she gave a seductive sigh, "at least, not yet." She looked down then back up to his face.
He raised a brow, "Miss, I."
Anne moaned, for the grammar had now started to hurt her head.
"Evil time!" The Elf flung himself out the door and rammed his shoulder into the man, causing him to topple into the door, which in turn knocked the Sue back on her rear. Anne, from her spot in the hall, heard Boromir shift inside the closet and prayed he'd still be in character enough not to try and rescue the woman. "I am sorry, sir," she wailed, trying to sound believable. "I must have tripped over a loose board!"
The man whirled around, staring at the Elven man before him. "I... suppose it's all right." Behind him, Arilyn was starting to climb to her feet, holding her eye in a protective fashion.
Anne quickly turned and scooted back into her room, waiting until she had closed the door to burst into laughter. This aroused Kate, who stared at her in a strange way until her partner stopped to breathe.
"I'm not even going to ask what you did THIS time," she declared.
The other Elf grinned. "Not unless you'd like to hear about how loose floorboards can be hazerdous to a Sue's health."
"You're right, I wouldn't. Nothing else happens 'til tomorrow, I'm going to sleep, good night."
~*~
The morning came faster than either of the two expected. Anne, the lighter sleeper, awoke when Boromir's and the Sue's door closed. She jumped out of her bed, tripped over her own feet, and fell face-first onto Kate's bed. The girl sat bolt upright, glancing about wildly as Anne sank to the floor.
"What! Who's dying?!"
Anne pulled herself back to her feet and groaned. "They're going down for breakfast, then they're leaving. Let's go -- I'm starving!"
Kate sighed. "Fine..."
Ten minutes later, the two Elves stumbled down the stairs and into the tavern. They crossed the room to sit two tables away from Boromir and the Sue, who were sitting in the corner. Anne caught a glance at the Sue's black eye and tried not to laugh; Arilyn's vain attempts at hiding it behind her hair weren't working.
Even though neither of the girls were familiar with the work system of an inn, they acted casual when a waitress (who was probably non-existent in the non-existent inn) came and asked for their food orders, and left shortly. Kate watched past Anne's shoulder in disgust at Boromir and Arilyn as they pulled into a kiss over their table.
"THAT'S gross," she growled. "Public Display of Affection should be illegal."
Anne nodded absently, toying with a piece of bread on a fork. "I know. PDA's sick."
"...Eh, when can we kill her?"
"Not 'til Caradhras, remember? I call her!"
Kate gave a sigh and tried not to look back at the two lovebirds. "Ugh, go ahead. You'll need someone to occupy Boromir, since he'll probably try to be noble. And I get the next one, especially if she's a Frodo fangirl."
A chunk of the bread flew across the room and hit a heavyset man on the back of the head. Wide-eyed, Anne quickly threw the fork onto the table and tried to look like she was listening to her conversation when the man turned around.
"You're impossible," Kate moaned, resting her forehead in her hand.
"What bread? Didn't eat any bread..." Anne tried to look out the corner of her eye at the man, but saw Boromir and Arilyn leaving. "Ack! They're going!" She wrapped the remaining portion of the eaten loaf as well as an untouched one, stuffed them in her pack, and led the way out of the inn.
~*~
They set out from Tharbad after their meal. Some people gave them wary looks as they passed by. It was barely daylight yet most people know what had happened the night before. They rode in a slow gallop for a few hours until they were at the Bruinen river shores.
"I'll be back." Arilyn grabbed her pack and headed downstream.
"What is this, a Terminator movie?" Kate muttered sourly.
The protectors followed silently in the brush, gently walking on the leaf-laden ground with their elven feet. 'It's the small advantages that make this job all the more fun,' Anne thought. She frowned as the Sue began to undress. "I really, REALLY wish I had a censor block right about now. I don't like Sues who aren't ashamed like that."
"I know." Kate nabbed the bread out of her partner's pack and tore a small piece off of the loaf. "Man, why can't we have food like this at headquarters? This is GOOD bread!"
"We have good food, just not... healthy-ish food. It's all to drive us insane, I tell you!"
"Shh, she can probably hear us..."
The two sat in their hiding spot by the shore, watching as Arilyn waded into the water. She finally took down her hair and dove in, resurfacing where the water was shoulder-level.
Anne suddenly grinned and set down her pack, her bow and her quiver. "I'll be right back..."
"Where're you going?" Her partner hissed, hurredly glancing towards the retreating elf.
"You'll see!" She grabbed two objects from her pack and disappeared into the forest, running upstream from their hiding spot. Arylin looked up, startled, but resumed bathing. A few moments passed by before Kate spotted a clear snorkel sticking up from the water, moving swiftly towards the Sue. She tried hard not to break into a fit of laughter.
The serene silence was cut by a sharp cry from Arilyn, who twisted around in fright. The snorkel quickly swam back upstream and vanished, leaving Kate to her silent laughter and Arilyn to search for what had made her scream. Soon, Anne returned, dripping wet and grinning madly.
"What did you DO?" Kate asked, trying to laugh into her pack.
She shrugged. "Sues almost never pay attention to detail. They never ask themselves, 'Will there be fish in the river that might bite my rear when I bathe?'" She smugly tossed her snorkel and a clamping hair-clip towards her bag.
"You're going to have to decontaminate that when you get back."
"I never use those clips anyway."
Heavy breathing (which was much heavier and much louder than it should have been) echoed from a bush ten feet away from the two elves. They jumped and looked, only to see an Orc (that had a strong resemblence to an Uruk-Hai) hidden in the shrubbery. Arilyn turned towards the Orc, sighing. The world suddenly fazed in and out, which looked almost like what has been technically defined as "snow" on a TV channel with no signal. When everything was back in technicolor, the Sue was crouching in knee-deep water, staring at the Orc in the bushes.
"What was that?" Anne moaned, holding her forehead in her hand.
Kate grunted. "A plothole. She didn't really describe her journey back to shallow water, but since she's about to run to her sword, maybe she forgot she had to get somewhere that would make running easier first."
Sure enough, Arilyn made a dash for her sword, and the Elven agents made a dash in the opposite direction. They didn't want to be caught, and even though they needed to rack charges for the charge list, they figured it would do to read the Words instead of witness the battle. As they ran, Boromir passed them without taking notice of anything but Arilyn's cries for help. His eyes were glossy and unfocused, as if in a trance. Anne sighed sadly to herself, shook her head, and kept the pace with her partner.
~*~
It was early the next morning when a loud noise rang in Anne's ear.
[BEEP][BEEP!][BEEP ALREADY!]
Anne smacked the device next to her head angrily. "Stop that!" She hissed. A thought crossed her mind that normally her Canon Analysis Device didn't speak to her, but she shrugged it away as the beeping died down. She looked up to see Arilyn and Boromir coming towards their campsite on horseback, neither paying attention to where they were going. Anne squeaked something, grabbed her pack, Kate's pack, and dragged her sleeping partner by the arm into the bushes.
The two passed without noticing anything out of the ordinary. Once they were out of hearing distance, Anne frowned and shook Kate roughly. "C'mon, get up. You just missed a close encounter of the Sue kind."
Kate looked up and yawned. "Right. Are we ready to go yet?"
"Yeah. Grab your bag and follow me... unless you'd rather warp ahead to their meeting with Aragorn's party minus one Hobbit." Anne grinned as her partner nodded eagerly. She pointed the Remote Activator, materialized a portal, and walked through it with Kate close behind.
They stepped into an open field and quickly hid behind two trees that happened to be where they needed. Arilyn's voice shouting "Estel!" was heard, and Anne threw a look at Kate, who was trying to look past the trunk of her tree.
"Where have you been? We thought you were dead!" They heard Aragorn's voice exclaim. They cringed at the unnatural excitement in his voice. Kate pointed her Character Analysis Device at Aragorn's gleeful form.
[Aragorn. Human male. Canon. Out of Character 59.83%]
"I haven't been gone that long!" She punched his arm. "I had trouble with Orcs. But I found myself in good hands." She turned to Boromir who was standing protectively at her side.
"I could comment, but I'm not going to," Anne moaned quietly. "And why on earth does she call him Estel instead Aragorn? I mean, she's not an Elf... this is weird." Kate rolled her eyes and watched the meeting.
"Indeed." Estel raised a brow, quickly changing his expression he held out his hand. "I thank you for caring for my sister. She seems to be in need of care." Arilyn stuck her tongue out at him.
"...I mean, if they're supposedly siblings, won't they call each other by their real names?" Anne continued.
"Shh, I can't hear then," Kate hissed.
"I agree." Boromir was rewarded with an elbow to the gut.
Estel cocked his head at her and raised his brow. "I am sorry for her behavior. She doesn't normally act this way."
"Not to worry I am quite used to it by now." Boromir chuckled.
"Really?"
"Ahem!" One of the Hobbits became impatient. "If you wouldn't mind Strider I would I like to catch up to your Elf friend!" Another flick of the device.
[Sam. Hobbit male. Canon. Out of Character %46.48]
Anne frowned. "That was SO not Sam. I don't know who she is, but writing Sam the wrong way is definitely on the charge list."
Estel turned to the small creatures. "I am sorry Sam. We should be on our way. May I introduce a fellow Ranger Arilyn and."
"Boromir of Gondor." Arilyn answered quickly.
Estel nodded knowingly, "And these three before you are Sam, Pippin, and Merry."
"Hullo!" Merry and Pippin said in unison. Device flick number three.
[Merry. Hobbit male. Canon. Out of Character %63.45]
[Pippin. Hobbit male. Canon. Out of Character %55.83]
Arilyn smiled down at them. 'They are so adorable!' She developed a sudden admiration for the two. Anne and Kate developed a sudden urge to lose their lunches.
"I've had enough." Anne pulled out her Remote Activator. "I'm moving ahead to Rivendell to wait for the Council if you'd like to join me. We'll leave them here, so it might be boring until later on, just so you know..."
Kate shrugged. "I'll come with you. Maybe we can play cards to pass the time."
~*~
Hours passed, card games were played, and the six finally arrived in Rivendell just as Anne beat Kate in Egyptian Rat Race for the third time. The Elves glanced up to see everyone coming in for the Council of Elrond. Arilyn took a seat next to Aragorn, while Boromir sat in his assigned seat. From their view, the two could see Sam hiding in the bushes, and Merry and Pippin behind the columns of the building nearby. Arilyn winked at Boromir, who ignored her. Anne was glad that the man was finally starting coming back to his senses.
Elrond began to speak his movie-speech, and Kate glanced at Anne with one eyebrow raised. "Do we know if she got this right?"
"I don't have the movie script memorized," she replied softly.
"Bring forth the ring, Frodo."
Frodo, a Hobbit Arilyn didn't recognize, placed a gold band onto the table. He went quickly back to his seat.
A few of the members gasped, gaping at the ring. "So it is true." Boromir brought his hand up to his face as if in thought.
"The doom of men." Someone whispered. Arilyn looked around, she did not dare look at the ring, and she knew her fate and did not wish to become tempted.
"It is a gift." Her head snapped to Boromir, she could not believe what he had just said. She denied it. She shook her head slowly hoping he would see her, yet he continued. "A gift to the very foes of Mordor. Why not use this ring?" He stood from his seat and paced. "Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor kept the forces of Mordor by the blood of our people while your lands kept safe. Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use is against him!"
"You cannot wield it! None of us can! The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master!" 'Thank you Aragorn!' Arilyn sighed softly.
Boromir turned to him slowly, "And what would a Ranger know of this matter?"
Anne set out her cards to play Solitaire. "Here we go again..." She sighed and rolled her eyes. "I get tired of this whole thing after a while.
Kate nodded. "But one of us has to listen for the charge list," she noted.
"Thanks for volunteering!"
"Are you mad! What do you take this for?" She pointed to the ring. The two Elves jumped -- they hadn't been paying attention, and were startled by her outburst. "It is not another piece of jewelry you construct from your stone halls!"
"And what would you know of this!?" Gimli retorted.
Anne growled. "She's a Sue, she knows everything," she snarled, mocking Arilyn in a high voice.
"More than you would ever know! You hurt those who are connected, and I do not mean Sauron." Her anger took her over, she decided to just yell at Boromir while she was already standing. She pointed at her lover. "And you! How dare you say we can use this against Mordor. Of all people, I would never think that the Captain of Gondor would want to use this. You think that Gondor has no hope, it does! And you insult my kin! After what I have told you. I understand that you would not become so angry with me, but he is the same!"
"Arilyn please." Aragorn said quietly.
"NO!" She looked around the entire group. "None of you know for certain of what we are dealing with save Lord Elrond and Lord Glorfindel. Gandalf does not even fully know!"
"So how do YOU know, Suie?" Kate muttered crossly.
"How dare any of you think that all hope is lost because this ring still exists! Anything is possible, especially at these times." She looked at the Dwarves and woodland Elves. "And during this council if any one of you, Elf or Dwarf, decide to fight over one another, so help me. Every strand of your precious hair will be gone! Gone!" She directed it to Legolas who winced at the thought.
Anne whimpered at how hair-conscious the Elf was. "I'm not even asking for a reading on Legolas," she moaned.
"I know what you are thinking, and if you do not unite now all will surly be lost. It is not but one race that is being threatened, but all. You are all doomed to the same fate if this ring is not destroyed. Act as one! Put the past behind you! For it does not matter now." She took one last angry breath and sat back down. Aragorn turned to her. "Don't talk to me." She said angrily. His head snapped back around.
"Awww, did poow Mawy-Sue get her feewings huwt?" Kate asked in a mocking tone. "Poow BABY! Oh, don't wowwy, Bowy's gonna make it aww bettuh..."
Anne gave her a strange look. "That didn't sound right coming from you," she muttered.
"I don't care. If the charge list is long enough, let's kill her now!"
"She has to join the Fellowship! That's the big thing, or else our charge list barely has anything worth mentioning," Anne hissed. "Just wait."
~*~
The Remote Activator hummed as Anne opened another portal. "C'mon, let's skip ahead to Caradhras. I don't want to see their teary goodbye..." She moved through and almost immediately fell through three feet of snow. A hundred pounds of Kate followed and landed on top of her. "Get OFF!" She hollered, thrashing about.
Kate managed to climb to a part of the snow that was harder than the rest and panted. "Sorry. Maybe we should get that thing looked at..."
"Possibly. Were are they?"
"Over there. They'll be up here in a moment."
"Good." Anne grinned menacingly and pulled out a small palm-pilot-like object that beeped as she turned it on. "I've got the charge list right here -- you may do the honors since I get to kill her."
Frodo rolled past Aragorn and into Arilyn's arms. She scooped him up and cradled him. "Arilyn?" He looked confused, she just smiled down at him.
Kate growled low in her throat. "Now I want to kill her."
"Nope, I called her." Anne pulled an arrow from her quiver and examined the tip. "Hmm... this one'll do."
"Shh..." She walked next to Aragorn and set the hobbit down. Frodo grabbed at his neck, the ring wasn't there. Arilyn scanned the ground; it was in Boromir's hands. He hadn't realized she was there; but when she snatched the chain from his grasp his eyes grew wide and a smile itched his lips. She scowled at him weakly and returned the ring to Frodo.
"What are you doing here?" Aragorn whispered to her.
"Protecting those I love."
"And being a Sue. Show time!" Kate cleared her throat and called loudly to the group. "Arilyn! Um... will Arilyn please step forward?"
The Sue blinked, obviously confused. "I am Arilyn... what business have you with me?"
Kate scowled. "Don't play cute with me, Sue. You know your crimes."
"Crimes?" Boromir stood in front of the girl. "What crimes has she committed?"
The Elf took a deep breath. "Arilyn is charged with disrupting the canon by joining the Fellowship behind Elrond's back, interfering with the Fellowship, Faramir, Elrond, Ellohir, Elladan, and the rest of the people of Gondor; going to bed with Boromir MULTIPLE TIMES, not dying when you should have, using profanity, making Boromir curse, getting Boromir, Aragorn, the Hobbits, and everyone else you interacted with WAY out of character---" she took another breath "---fighting an Uruk-Hai in the nude, bringing in the Uruk-Hai before they were bred, and being a Mary Sue." Kate gasped for air. All her years of training, and she still had trouble repeating a charge list in two breaths.
Arilyn looked absolutely shocked. "I... I have done all this?"
"Believe me, it's much more horrid than you think." Anne pulled the bowstring and arrow back to her ear. "Have a nice day!" The arrow shot through the air and struck Arilyn right between the eyes. Boromir and Aragorn cried out, drawing their swords and running towards the two Elves. An instant before they struck them, however, they stopped and looked around. The glassy look in their eyes left as Anne slung Arilyn's corpse over her shoulder.
"She... she slept with me?" Boromir asked, disgusted.
Kate nodded. "Rather sad, isn't it? But you don't have to worry. She won't bother you anymore." With that, she and Anne disappeared into another Remotely Activated portal.
They appeared in front of a small forest in some random Middle-Earth location. Anne threw the corpse down, grinned, and pulled out something that resembled a wand.
"Hey, where'd you get that?"
She shrugged. "I picked it off of a Sue back when I worked with the Harry Potter Mary Sue department. Pheonix tailfeather, cedar, thirteen inches. Works wonderfully." Anne aimed the end of the wand at the Sue and shouted, "Incidio!" Flames shot out of the wand's tip and engulfed the Sue's body. They watched the funeral pyre for a few moments, then teleported back to their headquarters.
~*~
Anne flopped down on the couch, fingering her wand with mischief on her mind. "Y'know, maybe I should keep this with me more often. I like being able to make Sues do things that aren't very normal."
"Yeah, just don't let Upstairs know you've got it. They'll come after you faster than you can say 'Lumos'," Kate muttered.
"But then I could use a Memory charm to make them forget... I have a list of the spells, you know."
Her partner laughed. "I don't doubt it. Now, let's try and get some sleep before our next mission. I'm kind of worn out from that last Sue..."
They both looked at the console, expecting it to alert them of another mission. When it didn't, they sighed happily, made themselves comfortable in different places of the room, and fell asleep.
Anne's note: Hey, all! Hope y'all enjoyed the first chapter. If anyone wants to report a Mary Sue sighting, Kate and I would be GLAD to kill 'em off (Kate wants Frodo fangirls, I want Aragorn fans or Hobbit huggers, but we'll get rid of any kind of fan -- even Marty Sams)! Gee, I sound like an advertisement... but anyway, check my bio page for an e-mail address, but include the title of the story and the author, please. Searching by main character gets rather tedious... *sighs, then grins* Otherwise, I get to do the searching and spare no Sue nor Sam!
Kate's note: Yeah, send me a Frodo fangirl! Or an Eomer fangirl, if anyone can find one. But other than that, my notes will mostly be short. I'm not writing this, anyway! I only want to kill Sues! Hey Anne, can I have a nice sword next time?