A/N: Alright, so I haven't written anything in foreverrrr. Well, I haven't written and finished anything okay to publish in forever. This is me getting my feet wet again. I guess this is a drabble? I don't even know. This is during the period I have dubbed 'the lost months' during Scully's pregnancy that we didn't see. Might want to break out the tissues, if this is even good. I don't know.

Disclaimer: Go ahead, sue me. As long as you use the money to fund XF3 ok.

I just feel this incredible, crippling unhappiness. It's not even sadness anymore, just the lack of happiness. It has manifested itself within me as a physical weight, and, faced with the possibility of life with it, I have learned to ignore it. It still makes my shoulder droop though, makes my eyelids heavy, and my feet drag. It makes talking hard. I feel as though I have to physically push the words out from the pit of my stomach and through my mouth.

Doggett, Skinner, and the life in my stomach are the only reasons I haven't completely shut down.

Sometimes though, I think I might just collapse in on myself, for I am only held together by the thinnest of threads. It would take less than a small breeze for me to shatter into a million little pieces, never to be reassembled.

But even with the miracle growing inside me, I feel empty inside. I only eat because I have to. I only sleep to escape the world around me. I only talk because that is what normal people do. I am a complete facade. Only Mulder would be able to see through it.

But here's not here right now.

He will never be here.

I used to do this thing to help me fall asleep. I pretend that maybe if I squeezed my eyes tight enough, and curled up into a small enough ball, I'd just float away. I've given up though.

Words keep ricocheting around in my mind lately. "This is not happening." "Starlight... Billions of years old" "If you're trying to prepare yourself" The words have taken up permanent residence within me.

I hate feeling like this.

I don't even want to be happy anymore, I would settle for okay.

But I have to be strong.

Strong for my child.

And strong for myself.

Because I don't have another choice.