Hi!

So this was a random little oneshot I was thinking about all day, so I decided to jot it down and post it if it turned out okay.

Summary: "Why the hell am I still on this thing?" Bones is having one of those intellectual "what the heck?" moments. He probably has a lot of those with his job.

Warnings: Swearing (it's Leonard McCoy, what do you expect?).

Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Star Trek.

(Edited 9/11/16 for grammar and spelling.)

Damn, I hate starships.

All right, maybe it's not the starships so much as the damn flying that happens when you're on a starship. I don't like flying at all. Something about being more than a few feet above the ground scares the shit out of me. Even worse is the thought of dying in something that flies.

So I guess that I hate things that fly because I hate the thought of dying in them and therefore I must hate starships.

Damnit, now I have such a bloody terrible headache I'll probably need a hypo. Plus I'm starting to sound like our cold fish of a first officer.

Joining Starfleet was possibly the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life, but come on, when your ex-wife takes all your money and makes the divorce a living hell, you feel like you'd do anything to escape her; even go speeding off into the endless, frightening, and very deadly vastness of space.

Did I mention that I hate space, too?

And I couldn't even get a job on a ship with a 'normal' record. No, I just had to end up on the one that is a wretched space magnet for trouble. When some crazy alien from the future isn't trying to throw us into a giant black hole, some sadistic superhuman is trying to blow us up.

Or maybe it's the captain who's a magnet for trouble. I haven't decided yet.

Jim Kirk may or may not be my best friend, but boy is he a damned nuisance. Either he's cheating like an arrogant fool or he's nobly heading straight into certain death (he literally died once, too). It's hardly feasible that he's still alive…most people with his record would be dead six or seven times over by now. But just because he survives doesn't mean he's unscathed…the idiot ends up in Sickbay at least once a week if not more and who has to deal with that? I do!

Don't even let me get started on the pointy-eared, oh-so-superior hobgoblin, the communications officer who's always pissed at someone, Mr. Scott, who talks like the blasted ship has a sentient brain, the occasionally-menacing helmsman whose hobbies involve plants and swords, and Chekov, who simply put looks too damn young to be out of the house by himself, let alone on a ship that seems to get damaged more than any other in the galaxy.

And if the short missions weren't enough, now we're on a goddamn five-year tour of said galaxy.

Fun, my ass.

Not to say that I couldn't get off the ship. If I really worked at it, I bet I could get off at some Starbase or other and go somewhere else entirely. But I don't.

Kirk stays on the Enterprise because it's his damn ship.

God only knows why that green-blooded hobgoblin sticks around when he could get a command anywhere; probably a loyalty complex.

Uhura…She's probably here because Spock is. I don't know what she sees in him.

That nutty Scotsman hangs on to his job because he found his one true love; the Enterprise.

Sulu got posted here and he's very dependable. Enough said.

The Russian kid's so brilliant they probably didn't have a choice but to post him on the 'finest ship in the fleet'.

And me? Why the hell am I still here?

Beats me. Unless…Hell, I guess I've gotten attached to everyone here.

Godammit.

Reviews are appreciated.