She'd done so much for him, and now she was gone. At first, it had hardly registered in his mind, the darksaber being plunged through her chest, a beat missed in the every lasting pattern of the Force, and then it hit, like a blow that he could physically feel. It had happened.
Satine Kryze would never let out another breath. Never say another word. Never try to put an end to a fight that she could not win. And now, here Obi-Wan was. Alone. He had no one else to turn to; what would everybody else even think?! A Jedi was not supposed to form attachments. They were not supposed to know love.
And now, here he was, his heart broken. No, not broken, he corrected himself, but shattered.
Sometimes he looked on the Jedi Code with the eyes of practically a Sith. Now was one of those times. The words were engraved in his brain. The first line came to his mind. "There is no emotion, there is peace." He felt his hands ball up into fists. How could one have no emotion if they truly cared about someone? Everybody did. It was impossible.
He willed himself to relax, to calm down, to find peace when there was none. Somehow, he practically managed.
Maybe he wasn't a Jedi after all. If one were a true Jedi, they lived by the code. They ate, slept, and breathed it. It was their everything. It was not Obi-Wan's everything.
"Had you said the word, I would have left the Jedi Order."
Looking back on it, maybe he should have. Then, maybe Satine would be alive. Then, maybe he would not be wrapped up in this never ending Clone War that had already spanned the length of entire years. Then, maybe, just maybe, he would have found peace. Somewhere far away from Coruscant. He would not have to worry about what was the Jedi way or what was not the Jedi way. He could live like he wanted to, not how other people claimed he should. If he had left the order, maybe he never would have come across Maul.
Maul. The name made his blood curdle, made him want to scream, but he never did, never had before. Even though Maul had taken two of the most important people from him, he still did not resent him the way he should.
And that made him the angriest of all.
He could still remember the life leaving his master, practically could still feel Satine's last shuddering breath, and what had he done to avenge them?
Nothing.
That made him feel as though he had failed as a student, as a lover, as a being. He caught himself. Fear, anger, and hatred were the ways of the weak. Peace, knowledge, and serenity were the ways of the strong. He would not fall into the darkness, as so many a Jedi had, millennia ago.
He put his head in his hands as he thought. There was such a concrete line drawn between peace and anger, but where did sadness fall? It was a thought that he had ever since his master's death, one that had never quite left him, but suddenly, an answer came to him: if sadness helps you attain peace, it is the right emotion. And even if the Jedi didn't approve, it was his choice because he was so much more than just the code. And if he needed Satine's death to prove that, then she did not die in vain. Qui-Gon had not died in vain.
And was grieving not just another way of celebrating life? It was an emotion, just like peace and serenity. It was an emotion that could not ruin you unless you let it.
Satine's last words came to his mind, new and fresh., unable to be put back together.
"Remember, my dear Obi-Wan. I've loved you always. I always will."
And as they repeated themselves again, and again, it felt as though he might never recover.