What I Saw and How I Lied, a gossip girl fanfic

What I Saw and How I Lied

Summary: They'll never know what happened that cold winter morning.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl.

Warning: Controversial topic poked at.

Lyrics: You Found Me by The Fray

If I could explain what I felt as I threw the fifth retched stick into the trash can, then it would be a ton of gibberish that wouldn't translate into English.

If I kept it simple, I could tell you. Lost, first off. Alone, more than ever, ashamed, every piece of me.

I fumbled with my cell phone for another few minutes, juggling with who to call.

My fingers stumbled on Chuck's number, but after a few moments, I decided to go by him. He was in Thailand. He wouldn't care. Wasn't that the reason he left in the first place?

I rushed down to Serena's number, but I was too embarrassed to admit anything like this to her.

So I made my way back up to a number I had programmed into my phone months ago but had never called.

I scheduled that appointment as my last option, not thinking of anything else, just the fact that I had the chance.

I dropped my phone on the floor after I hung up.

The sixth stick was the same as all the others. I hated it, I hated myself, and I hated everything.

My breath felt cold and I didn't want to move anymore.

So I grabbed my phone and plopped on the floor, waiting for something.

And at that moment, my phone rang.

There were a million things wrong with the fact that he was calling at that particular moment, but the pros outweighed the cons.

I picked up the phone with a bit of hope and then I wondered why the hell he was calling in the first place. I doubted that he could read minds.

"What do you want, Bass?" I breathed into the phone in my snappy tone.

"I just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year." He whispered.

It was only noon. "What the hell? It's nowhere near the New Year yet."

"Considering you seem to be much more intelligent than me, I'd think you know that Thailand is twelve hours ahead of New York."

"Of course." I caught myself and my insensibility a bit too late.

"Anything you wish to say to me?" It was more of a demand than a request.

"Happy New Year, Basshole." I sneered. I don't mean it, obviously, but I say it anyway to please him. "Is there any reason you're not back here yet?"

"I need time away from New York."

"You left a lot of things here." I stopped. "A lot of people."

"It's not like I'm never going to see you again, Blair." Chuck says unintelligibly. "I'll be back…one day."

"You don't understand." I wanted him to just sense something. "What if…I needed you?"

"You can get along by yourself." Chuck pushes her away. "You're independent. You'll be fine."

I say nothing for a while. He doesn't understand and she is certainly not telling him straightforward.

"I really do need you." I confess one last time.

"I…I can't, Blair." He gives up. "You have to understand."

And I do, but he doesn't at all.

At that point, I know exactly what I'm going to do.

"Fine." I'm sneering again. "Nice talking to you."

"Blair, if it's really a problem, why don't you just tell me?"

I shut my eyes. "No, it's fine." I'm clearly lying.

"I'm not going to be the same person you knew when you left." I say one last thing. "Things are about to change."

There was silence on his end of the line.

"I love you, Chuck."

He doesn't respond. "Goodbye Blair."

The line goes dead.

One hospital trip later to confirm everything, I was fine and I didn't think about my problems for a while. Those thoughts would come back in the morning, when I truly made my decision.

By midnight, as I was watched the fireworks light up the sky, I was more lost than ever, and I didn't think that I would ever be in this situation of making such a difficult decision.

Serena knew nothing. Chuck knew nothing. And it was going to stay that way.

Lost and insecure

You found me, you found me

Morning. The sun is bright and shining for such a blustery day.

I wake up and think about the good times for a moment, then I call the limo and think one last time.

I slip into jeans and a blouse, and I grab a jacket from my closet.

I grip onto my jacket for a moment, just a moment, and I wonder if I'm making a mistake.

He isn't here, I say to myself one last time, and I fling the jacket onto me.

I leave my cell phone on my bed, looking for no distractions, and I'm gone, leaving my room as one person and coming back as another.

Lying on the floor

Surrounded, surrounded

I look back one last time and close my eyes, thinking about what might have been.

A solitary tear falls down my face.

I want to think about the good times, only the good times.

Why'd you have to wait?

Where were you, where were you?

Just a little late

You found me, you found me.

Happy New Year, Chuck, I say to myself, meaningful this time, as I ask the chauffeur to drive to the clinic.

There is no turning back.

This way, no one would ever know.

Author's Note: I know this is extremely controversial, but what if all these fanfictions with this storyline didn't end happily?

I truly think that this is the first option to a lot of people, and I think Blair would be one of them in this situation.

I've finally gotten a request to write something happy, and I know I should. I'll get right on it, I promise.

Reviews! I would really like some. Thanks, Cass