Carmina Of Spiritus

by halfierra

A modern woman in Thedas Fic. This story is about a 24 year old woman named Hallie. She gets thrown into Thedas with her memory of how and why wiped clean. She learns she has a unique set of abilities and spends her first year in Thedas with a Dalish clan wandering the Free Marches. But, in a quick turn of events, she is forced into survival mode and on the run to any safe place.

1. Chapter 1

Living in New York City was both more than I expected in so many ways and less than I expected in so many other ways. When I see pictures that people take while on vacation here it all looks so magical and colorful. Even in movies New York City looks every bit spectacular. But walking the few blocks it takes from The Mercury Lounge back to my studio apartment that I have on campus at the School of American Ballet, it is far from spectacular. Late nights in New York City are so dark and gloomy that I feel like I am constantly on guard as I walk. You would think after living here for eight months and walking this same route every Friday night that I would eventually become accustomed to it. But no, every Friday night after I perform (or more like karaoke with a piano) I get this terrified feeling as I walk that something bad is waiting just around every corner. It could be because I am alone…always alone now. I have no safety zone or comfort. I left all my friends and family back in Oregon when I decided that Ballet classes in Salem were no longer enough to fulfill my dream. I wanted to be in New York. I wanted to dance at the School of American Ballet. I even sold my jeep to obtain enough money to fly out here for auditions. I wanted to dance and sing in New York. The city of Lights. But now, I'm barely making enough money for rent, barely getting enough sleep between dance classes and work, and not even barely making any friends. I'm lonely, exhausted, and far too aware of the silence in the streets. I suppose when I think about it, the silence is not too bad of a thing. Uncomfortable maybe, but not so bad.

Finally, I turn the last corner and I can see the school dorm buildings from here. I remember this part well. After I rounded the last corner that leads into an alley way that I take as a short cut I begin to hear footsteps off in the distance following me into the alley. My heartbeat immediately begins to quicken in my chest and my throat begins to go dry and clench up. This is my worst fear, that someone would follow me and attack me on my way home in the night. 'Just keep walking, breathe and stay calm.' I tell myself this in my head to remain calm but when the footsteps grow louder and quicker behind me, I can tell that whoever is following me is closer behind me now and matching my pace. My hands ball up into fists so tight that I can feel my knuckles turning white and my nails digging into my palms. 'Almost there' I tell myself. 'Scream If I have to, someone will hopefully hear me.' My heart begins racing faster, pounding and beating against my chest. I can feel the panic rising in my chest, the burning pain that accompanies my panic attacks. At this point, I can barely breathe, my head feels dizzy, my ears are ringing, and my legs feel like they are going to buckle underneath me. My panic is rising faster as the footsteps grow louder as if they are now right behind me. I close my eyes and inhale deeply. I feel a hand pull on my shoulder to turn me around. I jump and turn to face a dark hooded figure and scream as loud as my lungs will let me.

"Hallie, wake up."

My eyes fly open and I gasp to catch my breath. I am panting and sweating so much that my hair is sticking to the sides of my face. I blink again trying to get my eyes to adjust.

When my vision finally clears, my eyes make contact with the face sitting before me. Short black hair, cut bluntly just at the shoulders and halfway pulled back into a bun. A deep set of green eyes staring at me with a slight glow from the darkened sky. She wore a darker blue set of Dalish robes, lined with leather straps and buckles that crossed over her chest. Fur reaching out from around her neck and over her shoulders. Vallaslin markings line her forehead in a branch like design to honor Mythal. cheek bones high but cheeks that provide a more fuller shape. Thin lips that purse into a frustrated but concerned expression. Her brows furrowed to follow the expression her lips held. Her arm stretched out towards me and palm remains on my shoulder.

"Asharra?"

Too many times has Asharra woken me up from patchy nightmares that cause me to panic while I'm asleep. This dream was so much clearer than the rest however. Like I'm slowly remembering the lost ending to that memory. These damn nightmares that I have far too often would not even be an issue if I didn't have to suppress my magic and aura. Keeper Deshanna has made it clear though, it is safer for me and those around me to keep disconnected from the Fade and my magic. I can't say I disagree completely, I do see the caution. My magic is unique, I have been able to completely use my magic without any means of a staff to funnel direction. What has also peeked Deshanna's interest is my ability to manipulate the elements around me so thoroughly with just my hands. Apparently that is rare, but not so rare that Deshanna would teach me to suppress my aura and my magic causing my almost complete disconnect from the Fade. No, Deshanna was actually very helpful with teaching me to understand and control my magic. She helped me to understand how to focus my will to obtain the desired results. My magic and abilities were never the issue with Keeper Deshanna. No, the issue came when my stupid ass walked right into her dream in the Fade. She looked like someone just caught her naked in the shower, while I looked about as oblivious as the rock sitting across from her. I literally thought I was just dreaming. It wasn't until I awoke to her practically dragging my out of my bedroll and into her tent cursing at me in elven for me to put two and two together. I am a dreamer as well, fanfreakingtastic! Just tack that shit right on to the weird and rare abilities I have now that I am in this world. I was never so unique in my world, it's actually quite exciting. Until Deshanna puts her foot down and informs me that I am now a danger to myself and those around me and need to disconnect from the Fade. She called me a Somniari, which I already knew what that meant. It means a Dreamer, Fade Walker. Well….consciously Fade walking and manipulating when I am asleep. Excitement literally sucked right out of me and I spent the rest of that day practicing to suppress my aura and magic.

I'm honestly pretty disappointed to be cut off from the Fade now as well as my magic. True, I have long since gotten used to the discomfort that comes with such an endeavor for a mage. It's like muscle soreness all over the body and an itchy feeling against my skin to suppress magic. And say goodbye to a restful night of sleep. That don't and won't happen anymore due to being cut off from my abilities and the Fade. But I got used to it in time and have found a cold wash down in the morning helps to wake me up for the day. But, I'm in Thedas! Not only that, but I am a mage and a fucking Somniari! Seriously my fantasy made real and I can't even explore it. No, instead it dangles in front of me like bacon for a dog that he can't have. If I had known I was a Somniari I sure as hell would not have gone waltzing into someone's dream and given myself away right off the bat like that. One would think noticing such a thing would be easy for me, considering the obsession with the Dragon Age game, Fan Fiction, and Lore I had back on Earth. But no, truly it actually is not that simple or obvious. Now that it is all real, it is a lot harder to think 'Oh but wait! I could be a mage and if I am a mage I could possibly be a legendary Somniari!' Yeah, no. Not as simple as that.

I sigh and roll over on my bedroll. Asharra seems to have gone back to sleep after waking me up. It's still dark out for the most part, the sky is slowly getting lighter as the sun will be rising soon. There is no point in trying to go back to sleep now.

Earth, New York, and home. I sigh again. I miss home, I truly do. Even if I was lonely or the odd girl who dreamed of video games, fantasy movies, and stories all in my lonesome. I still miss it so much. I miss my family and friends back in Oregon. This was one of the reasons I was actually excited that I could manipulate the Fade here. Because I could recreate memories of home and the music I missed dancing and singing to. I thought that I could escape to a form of my world in my sleep. But, I can't do any of that now. I can't release my aura even a little without Deshanna somehow finding out. She has been so kind to me and understanding where no one else truly has. She refused to cast me out and vowed to be my tutor. Despite my obvious differences and despite the few select elves of the Clans disapproval. I can't go against her wishes. Truth is though, laying low is probably the best idea for me anyhow. I am in a world I only know so much about because of the stories depicted of it and its people in my world. Thedas is in the middle of a massive war between mages and Templars. If I was not taken in by Clan Lavellan then I would most likely use my abilities to my own stupidity and get my ass caught or killed by either mages or Templars. Especially since I am an elf as well with no Vallaslin markings on my face to honor the old elven gods, not that those would save me truly, but it would mean to others I could be a runaway elven slave. Which is all bad. That and even being within the Clan I am not truly safe and even less so if my being a mage is out in the open like no big deal all the time. Because I have no Vallaslin the Clan would not protect me if they were to be attacked. Following Deshanna's wishes has been my best bet. Proven true, as she now does want me to go through with the ritual and receive my Vallaslin to honor the Clan and the old gods. I've been working hard to earn my place within the Clan for a year now.

A whole freaking damn year in Thedas and with Clan Lavellan. At least I think a year, to be honest it just feels like so. There is no calendar laying around that I could actually understand aside from it was Dragon 9:39 when I got here and it is now Dragon 9:40. So, I think I am safe in assuming that it has been a year. I remember when Keeper Deshanna first found me. She heard my cries while she was out gathering herbs for the Clans potions. The last thing I remembered then was my screaming in the alley way in New York and then a sharp buzzing shooting throughout my ears and body, then darkness. I woke up in the middle of the woods, naked and completely disoriented. When I finally gathered myself up enough to stand and take notice of my lack of attire and surroundings, I began to let the tears fall down my cheeks. I was terrified and confused with no idea where I was or what direction to even go. I started walking slowly through the darkened green woods and then ran when my legs finally felt strong enough. I remember running for so long and finding nothing but more woods and then my legs eventually giving into exhaustion and buckling beneath me. When I fell to the ground I brought my knees up to my chest and curled into a ball on my side and cried as hard as I possibly could. I never even heard the sounds of footsteps or was coherent enough to understand any actual words being said to me. I just heard muffled sounds of someone's voice and looked up to see a woman. Long silver hair flowed down in braids to just below her shoulders, ending at her chest. Dark green robes laced with gold trimming. She carried a jeweled staff with her, feathers and ribbons laced around the top end. The tip of the staff had wood swirling up to encase a larger clear crystal. Feathers and crystals dangled down around her neck attached to silver chains. Beautiful deep brown eyes, large and full of wisdom. Pointed nose and angled jawline defined her face. Tattoos marked on her face forming an intricate set of designs in a deep dark brown. Then I saw her pointed ears and just stared wide eyed and slack jawed. Shock finally overcame me and I passed out. When I awoke again I was inside of a deep red colored tent like structure with the same woman who found me sitting beside me. I noticed similar crystals and ribbons from her staff and necklaces handing just above me where the tent came to a point. I lay on a pile of leather and furs. Just next to me sat a bowl molded by the looks of clay filled with dried flowers and herbs, creating a beautiful mix of green, blue, and white colors. Shadows flowed back and forth from the opening of the tent behind the woman, voices muffled just outside the opening. Moving my eyes to the other side of the tent I notice the same staff I saw in on the woman in the woods sitting upright just at the end of the bedding I lay in. Next to it was a gilded looking chest and more dried flowers and crystals. I bring my eyes slowly back to the woman next to me. She said her name was Deshanna Keeper of Clan Lavellan. Of course I panicked again and asked her how that was possible. She was very kind and listened to me explain that I was not from here. She told me she could protect me if I remained within the Clan and that we should keep everything I told her about where I am from between her and I. I agreed but still was fighting back another panic attack. Her voice and her words soothed me in gentle tones. But, it only took a few moments of our silence to allow the panic to trigger within my body. I began shaking and hyperventilating. Keeper Deshanna ran out to fetch me water and came back to find me screaming because a flame erupted within my palms that somehow did not burn me. This of course caused me to panic more and for the fire to spread up my arms and catch everything around me on fire. At that point Deshanna deflected my magic with her own allowing the flame to be contained to only my body by a barrier. But, before I could see her cast the frost spell to counter act the flames on the objects around us I had passed out again.

I was shocked that the flames did not burn my body in any way. Just my clothes and whatever else was around me. Deshanna was shocked that I could even set my body to flame to begin with. From that moment on she took me on as her student in both magic and all things Thedas in secret. She spent a good couple of months with me, teaching me to understand and focus my magic in a secluded area in the woods out side of camp. She told me that my powers were unique and that it is a rarity that someone could control multiple elements with such ease. I found that I could easily manipulate fire to my will. I also can control water, lightning, ice, and even earth elements. All without the need of a staff to channel it. Though if I am being honest I would still want a staff. But Deshanna wanted me to train without one, claiming not many can have a strong ability to do so and a staff may not always be within reach when I need my magic to defend myself. Which does make sense I suppose. I still want to twirl one around though.

The first experimental attempt I did outside of Deshanna testing my abilities and directing me was a Fade Step. Just because it was one of my favorite abilities as a mage in the video game. I called the Fade to me and to my feet and took a step aiming my body to move forward. Then I went through and teleport a good twenty to thirty feet ahead and smacked the front of my body hard into a large boulder. That hurt like a bitch! But I just successfully, albeit ungracefully, teleported my body from where I was standing to a new destination forward! I freaking Fade Stepped! I am just too excited to care about the pain the front of my body is now in. Although, I promised myself that my next attempt will be aimed a hell of a lot better and not in the direction of pain.

Every day Deshanna would work with me on my magic and teach me the workings of the Clan and about their gods and creators. Of course, most of that information I already knew from my obsession of Thedas and the elves back in my world. I also knew that they held tight onto what little was left of Ancient Arlathan and the Elvhen. Most were indeed false legends and myths. But of course, I am not about to go on telling them that. That would be a sure fire to being kicked out of the Clan all together and branded a mad woman. No one needs to know that I practically know the future of Thedas and about truth of Ancient Arlathan and the Elvhen 'gods' being just extremely powerful immortal mages and that their Vallaslin are really just marks of slavery and honor only would be gods from forgotten times. Providing that information will only get me into a deep hell of trouble, if not killed. So I will just keep that happy bit of information to myself.

My practice and training with magic ended when my being a Dreamer came to light. Yet again, completely ungracefully. Lack of grace seems to be my trend in this world. Keeper Deshanna made me swear that I would keep myself low key. Which other than the fact that I have unique magic and that I have been magically thrust into a world that I do not belong in, I have already sworn to remain low key to myself as well. I cannot allow myself and will not allow myself to become too attached to this world or anyone in it. I have been careful to keep who I truly am, with the help of Deshanna, hidden from anyone around me and have formed no attachments. It is better this way for me and for others. Sure I have already been here a while, but there is no guarantee that I won't magically be pulled back to my world at any given time.

Still, one thing I hope I will get to do before I leave Thedas, if I leave Thedas, is explore the Fade. We don't have a Fade in my world. We don't even have magic in my world like there is here in Thedas. Sure we dream, but we do not enter a spirit realm when we dream. And I am a Somniari! A dreamer! I can literally manipulate the fade when I sleep. I can change my surroundings and walk the fade consciously. Sure, in the Fade Somniari or not, a mage has to worry about demons and spirits. As well as the possibility of being possessed and turning into an abomination. But the closest thing in my world to a Dreamer or a Somniari is lucid dreaming. I just want to explore the Fade, be mindful of spirits yes. But explore and see what being a Somniari entails. But, unless I leave the Clan, I won't be able to do that. I won't be able to extend my aura out freely and reconnect to the Fade. I still have dreams yes, they are choppy and all over the place, sometimes I remember bits and details, sometimes I forget them not long after I wake. But to get to use my full abilities in the Fade, I would need to let my aura be free. That cannot happen here. And I can't leave the Clan when Thedas is in the middle of a terribly large war. So, I will remain and keep my aura deeply tucked inside of me.

The sun is beginning to rise now and people are starting to move about camp beginning their morning routines. I pull myself up and out of my thoughts and my bedroll and begin rolling it up to set with the rest of my belongings. I grab my pack and begin making my way to the river near camp to bathe in. I am no longer shocked when I look upon my reflection in the water. I am still me, but with a few changes. I'm smaller now, figure wise that is, with lean muscle. Height wise, I am still the same. I stand at about 5'3, the same height in my world. I've always been on the shorter side. My face is relatively the same though with some slight differences. My facial structure is more sharp and prominent, cheek bones set high and cheeks thinner with a more defined jawline. My lips are still full and have a reddish pink tint to them. My eyes are slightly bigger and feline shaped. Perfect for the cat eye look. I still have my deep grey/blue eye color as well as my dark ash/blonde arched eyebrows. My ears were honestly the most shocking to me, for they are pointed now. Proving that I am indeed an elf. My hair flows down just at my waist line now. Thick and wavy with a deep crimson red color. Thankfully I don't have to mess with roots and re-dying anymore. There's a plus! My skin shade goes perfectly with my red hair, clear and pale. For which I can't complain too much. I loved my pale porcelain skin back home.

My hair however does take longer to wash and comb out now. I usually choose to pull it up into a pony tail to keep it out of my way. Asharra asks why I don't just simply cut it off, makes enemies grabbing my hair a lot harder. But, I can't bring myself to do it. That and I like to wear it down often as well. Just need to remind myself to pull my hair tie out when I'm being attacked. Simple enough right? I have to giggle at myself at that one and decide to wear it down today instead.

Aside from the physical changes that I have noticed since being an elf. I have also been keenly aware at my heightened senses. Touch (mostly within the points of my ears), smells, hearing, and sight. I can see a lot in the dark, which definitely makes me feel like a cat.

I have finally finished scrubbing myself down and worked through my hair. I reach for my pack and pull out the armor Deshanna had Master Cyriel make for me. She also had a number of dyes for me to select from to add color and my own tastes to my armor. She requested that I have a set of Dalish Scout Armor made for me with Snoufleur skin as my cloth. Should I ever need to use my magic in extremely special circumstances of self-defense. I love my armor, I loved this armor in the game and I love it now that it has been made real for me. The chain-mail is made with black samite that makes it strong. But, it is also thin and flexible for dexterity reasons. It is form fitting on my body and is designed as a top with matching bottoms that fit like leggings. The top fits snug to cover my chest and down to my hips. It has long sleeves that also fit snug down my arms with openings on my inner elbows and down to my wrist where an opening for my thumbs are and cuts off at the back of my hands. The same design flows down my legs with an opening at the back of my knees as well for dexterity and movement purposes. Then I have my Snoufleur sleeveless tunic that also sits tightly up against the chain-mail, albeit comfortably and quite form fitting, that comes down at mid-thigh with slits on either side that go up almost all the way to my armpits. I have two straps on either side that tie together to hold the tunic firmly in place as well as a thin belt around my waist. I had my tunic dyed a light grey/blue color. The shoulders of the tunic have feathers and fur attached that just curve around my shoulders. Then at my hips I have my belt to hold my potions, pouch, and daggers on either side of my hip. My foot wrappings are made with black leather and wrap around me feet entirely and all the way up to my thighs. Then to top off my look, I added a scarf that is a blue/forest green velvet material that I found in Deshanna's tent. She told me that it suits me more and to keep it as a gift. A gift that I wear everyday now. Then last but not least, I have my bow attached to my back along with my arrows. It sounds very time consuming getting myself dressed, but after a solid six to eight months of putting it on, I have gotten rather quick with it. I also keep a pair of leggings in my pack just in case I don't need my armor for the day and only wear my tunic, leggings, and foot wraps. I rather like my thigh high foot wraps, so I opt for those no matter how casual of a look I go for outside of my armor.

After I have finished gearing up and decide I am officially clean enough to go hunting and get dirty again, I begin trekking myself back to camp. The clans dwellings were never too big, we travelled too often along the Free Marches that we never kept more than essential needs. Most of the clan slept on leathers and furs outside. Our tents were reserved for the Keeper and Elder of our clan. We kept large red aravels that worked as our wagons for food and supplies. We had one dedicated to loading camp into when we would travel again. A rather large fire pit sat in the middle of camp, our beds lay out to one side under red leather that hung above attached to tree branches to shelter us from stormy nights. The beds lay near a cave opening where we kept our Halla. The remaining sides of the fire pit had three logs for seating. Our weapons and belongings kept near our designated beds. The lush green and brown of trees and plants surrounded us, keeping us for the most part hidden, with the river stream that flowed just at the end of camp. We try to remain within limits of water sources when we travel. We only had a rough amount of 22 within our clan, each of us holding designated jobs. Two were children and the rest were either hunters or healers, which ever our skill sets fit best. Then we had our hehren, otherwise known as our elder within the clan, who worked alongside our Keeper. We also had Cyriel who was our Master in weaponry and armor.

Deshanna decided to have me to train as a Hunter now that I am unable to use my magic. Hunter Taren is one of the Clans best Hunters and was assigned to teach me as well as take me with him on hunts. Much to his disdain, the man really does not like me. I feel like it has to do with the fact that I am essentially a non-Dalish, A.K.A. a knife ear. But, he keeps quiet on the matter and respects the Keepers wishes. Sure, Taren is handsome enough. Long and straight blonde hair that he ties half back in a long braid. Bright green eyes with a dark green, almost black, Vallaslin with the markings of Andruil the goddess of hunts on his face. He's taller than me by a few inches, I'd say roughly standing at 5'7 with a lean muscular build. But, even with all his good looks, his sour attitude towards me is enough to make even the most beautiful man in the world ugly as all hell. Every once and a while I catch him staring at me with an unreadable expression, but the moment I make eye contact with him his face changes to a disgusted look and breaks the eye contact and looks away. I swear he watches me and waits for me to slip up in any way so that he can run and tattle on me to Deshanna and try to have me kicked out. Well, jokes on him and his ugly face.

I move to put my, much lighter now, pack with my bedroll and go to grab a bowl of broth and sit on a log by the morning fire. Today I have noticed more of his disgusted looks towards me and can almost see rage boiling under his skin while he sits opposite of me on the other side of the fire eating before we begin our hunt together. Keeper Deshanna announced officially last night that I would be joining the Clan and receiving my Vallaslin in two days time. I decided to choose Mythal's Vallaslin in a dark grey color that will begin to branch at my cheek bones and up towards my temples. Truly I don't want to perform the ritual and have my face tattooed. But, I need to remain in Clan Lavellan if I want to be anywhere near safe. So, in two days I get the painful pleasure of having Dalish slave markings placed upon my face to honor their supposed 'gods' and 'creators'. Though Mythal was one of the good Elvhen, which helps me feel not too offended to have her markings. If I am to have such markings on my face, it would be hers. However, just the fact that I know the truth of them is what makes them offensive to me. But, the Dalish do not know differently of the Vallaslin other than to honor their gods. So, I can't really fault them for that. If anything, the Vallaslin will guarantee my safe placing among the Clan. Which I will be ever grateful for.

I finally start sipping on my broth now that it's near cold when I see Asharra coming to sit next to me. She hands me a piece of bread, which I gladly take and start dipping it into my broth to soften it up.

"You're rather quiet this morning. You doing alright Hallie?"

"I'm okay Asharra, thank you. I just have been getting lost in my thoughts a lot this morning. I was thinking about how long I've been here. And now I've finally earned my place among the Clan. It is a happy moment I know, but, it's also completely wrecking my nerves."

"I understand. I was terrified when I received my Vallaslin. I won't even try to lie. You'll be in pain." She laughs when I glare at her, but seriously, way to coat it sweetly Asharra. Such a confidence booster.

"But it is an honor Hallie. An honor to the Gods and an honor to the Clan."

I sigh and nod my head in acknowledgment. She's right in ways, in the way that they believe. But not in the way that is actual truth. There are no gods, not truly. Just powerful beings that were painted as such. The Elvhen Pantheon were indeed very powerful, but they were never gods.

She puts her hand on my shoulder to try to comfort me. "It will be alright, I promise."

Then she glances behind me and begins to stand. I look over my shoulder and see Taren walking over to where we are. I look back to Asharra.

"Dareth Shiral, Hallie." She smiles at me and takes her leave.

"Da'len, Garas." Ugh! I can't stand it when he calls me a child. I suppose it kind of makes sense, I don't have my Vallaslin yet. Usually the Vallaslin is given to a person of the Clan who has come of age. Marking them as an adult within the Clan. But still, my situation is special, it is slightly degrading to me that he calls me that. But, not an argument I wish to pursue.

I stand to follow him out of camp and towards the woods. Tension is radiating off him like something fierce. Not sure if I want to hunt with him today, he may decide to stick an arrow in my ass instead of at our intended target. That was a dirty thought that I am not going to continue. Still, I do actually have a strong feeling that today's hunt is not going to be good. Is he really that angry that I am going to receive my Vallaslin? I know he doesn't like me, but does it really extend to hate? I have no idea and to be honest I am too much of a chicken to even ask. I'd rather not know.

Asharra is really my only friend here. Everyone is nice enough sure, but she is the only one that I have actually clicked well with. She laughs with me and doesn't act completely thrown off by the random shit that comes out of my mouth. Deshanna is more of a motherly figure to me and not so much a friend. Though I do trust her, she has been nothing but kind and trustworthy to me.

I don't expect to ever be friends with Taren, but he could at least pull a little bit of the stick that is shoved up his ass out. Relieve at least a little bit of pressure.

"Hallie…"

I look at Taren, completely thrown off that he actually called me by my name and not Da'len.

"What Taren?" I really tried to not sound completely irritated, but, I failed miserably as the words flew out of my mouth.

He rolls his eyes at me and starts walking towards me. I back up from him completely confused as to what is going on and bump my back into a tree behind me. Great, now I'm trapped. He's going to kill me now.

He continues to close the distance between us, making eye contact with me the entire time. I cannot make out his expression for the life of me. He is completely serious in his facial features right now and his eyes are so intense I almost can't keep contact with them.

"You know you do not deserve a Vallaslin." He states this fact sternly to me, maintaining eye contact as he does so.

"Yes I-I do, But Keeper Deshann…" I stop speaking the words when he brings his hand up, signaling me to do so.

"Yes I am aware. I have spoken to her in depth about it, her decision is final. She will also want your role to be as a Hunter for the Clan as well."

"I know…." I sigh. He's an ass, but he knows that I do not truly want this, and that I too do not feel as if I truly deserve it.

"I also spoke to her about something else as well, in which she has given her approval."

I honestly don't like the look he is giving me, almost pleading? Hopeful? It is not a look that I have ever seen upon his face. I don't like it when he is giving such a look to me. I keep eye contact, but I am increasingly becoming uncomfortable and want out of this situation.

"I-I…." he signs and rubs his hand across his face. Then makes eye contact with me again. "I wish to make you my bond mate when your honor is complete."

And now I am frozen and in shock. My jaw drops and my eyes are so wide I feel like they are going to just pop right out. He's just staring at me waiting for an answer. 'Like what the fucking hell?!'

He has been nothing but a total asshole to me since I got here. Disgusted by me even. This makes no sense and I can't form any other expression other than complete and utter shock while he stands there merely a foot and a half away from me, waiting for me to say something. I'm freaking out now, I told myself no attachments, none! I am not in any way attached to him at all, but I completely forgot about fucking bond mates within the Dalish Clans! I can't bond with anyone! Or mate with anyone either! The hell is this shit?!

I want to say no, yell no in fact to his face and say everything that is running through my mind. But, no, I just stand there. I've finally closed my mouth but my eyes are still wide in shock.

He walks closer and closes the remaining distance. I immediately tense up and clench my hands into fists so tightly that my I can feel my knuckles go white. Then he cups my face with his hands and crashes his lips onto mine. I can feel the panic rise up my chest as well as the burning. I am fighting to keep my aura in and fighting to not panic. I gather enough will to move my hands and bring them up to grasp his wrists. But then I only tighten my grip on him and can't bring myself to release him. Then he moves his tongue along my bottom lip attempting to gain access. I started shaking as my panic begins to rise and I begin to lose control over my aura.

I close my eyes and then all I hear is Taren screaming against my mouth. I can't open my eyes while I am trying so hard to calm the panic. I hear him screaming again, deep, loud, painful screams away from my mouth now but ringing in my ears. I manage to open my eyes now and see his head thrown back, hands still on my face and smoke. Then it hits me, the smell of burnt flesh follows with the smoke. I look down at my hands clenched around his wrists and see nothing but smoke and blood. I immediately release him and he falls to the ground. My aura yanks back inside of me so fast it feels like a blow to the gut.

Taren pulls his hands into his chest, whimpering in pain on the ground. There's so much smoke in the air, radiating off his wrists. But, he still has his hands. I've messed up, bad. I slipped and lost control.

"YOU STUPID KNIFE EAR!" He screams at me.

"I….Taren. I…"

"SHUT UP AND GO!" He inhales deeply and moves his head to look up at me. "The Clan will not take this lightly."

I heed his words and run. I run so fast and hard until I can run no longer. I wanted to help him, but I know I can't. I don't know any healing magic. Even if I did, I know he would reject it. I lost control! I lost control over my aura because I panicked! Because of what?! A proposal?! An unwanted kiss?! As much as I didn't like Taren, he did not deserve that. I never wanted to hurt him. I couldn't stop the panic, or the burning.

I look down at my hands and see nothing but flesh burnt onto my palms. I must have burnt him almost to bone. He didn't deserve this, all he did was ask me to marry him but in the elfy way. And in my rejection I almost burnt his wrists off. The Clan will never take me back after this, I broke my promise to Deshanna.

I need to focus on what to do now instead of panicking. I hear water trickling and drag my feet to move towards the sound. I find a small stream of water that is perfect for washing my hands with. I start scrubbing the burnt flesh off of my palms until it becomes too painful. His flesh is burnt onto my palms so much so that it is pulling my skin off with it. I have to release a little of my aura out to warm the water and soak my hands to get the rest off.

Once I finally get all the burnt flesh off my hands, I pull a wrapping out of my first aid kit and wrap my hands. Then when I have finished tending to the torn skin on my palms, I pull my aura in and tuck it deep down inside of me. Terrified to ever use my magic again. I hate myself so much for this. I sit down on a nearby rock and just cry. 'What am I going to do now?'