A.N.: You probably thought that the Characters' Monologues series was dead, but surprise, surprise, it's not! Anyhow, this is Neville's monologue. Some minor Goblet of Fire spoilers. Please, please, please, please review. There isn't much more to say, so on with the fic.
Disclaimer: Neville, his parents, Gran, Uncle Algie, Hogwarts, Dean, Seamus, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Mad-Eye Moody, and the spider that the Cruciatus Curse was done on in GoF all belong to Joanne Kathleen Rowling and her publishers. I own absolutely nothing other than this monologue. I'm not making any money or other type of profit with this, so please do not sue me. Oh yeah, if you review this, you will own the review you did. (I love to disclaim reviews!)
Dedication: This is dedicated to those who feel alone in this world, in hopes that they will someday no longer feel this way.
I'm talking to myself right now, confiding in myself, because I have no one else to confide in. No one else who will listen to me, comfort me, help me heal the wound I've felt inside since I was less than one. I'm the only one I can tell, because I am utterly alone right now.
I have felt alone since I can remember. Never have I felt a time of true companionship, of a nurturing love, someone to be with me in this crazy world, to help me understand what I can't understand by myself, and just someone who I know will always be there with me, someone I know will never leave.
There was a time, a time I cannot remember, when I had people, when I wasn't alone. The time when my parents were with me. But this is all before I can remember. It isn't even a distant memory, but merely something I've heard of from others. I know my parents loved me, but I can't remember there love, and so they cannot be those who will help me through the world.
I don't even know what it feels like not to be alone. It must be warm, wonderful, sweet. Having someone besides yourself that you can trust and confide in. But that's something not meant for me, and I have often reminded myself of this. That warmth is for others, but not for me. No, I am meant to be alone.
If I ever could tell anyone -- but how could I? -- of my loneliness, they would tell me of my Gran, the would say that she is my companion in life. They'd tell me she was there to help me, to stand beside me in this world. But they can't understand. Gran is kind, yes; even if a bit strict, she does take good care of me. But I need more than a good caretaker. I need someone who will nurture my soul, and Gran can't do that.
Uncle Algie never showed affection for me until I did a little magic. Now he seems to love me, he is kind, always wanting to see his, "favorite little nephew." But if I were to lose all my powers, he would leave me. Conditional love can't really help, because it's too fragile. And so having him beside me, too, does not relieve myself of the depths of loneliness I feel inside myself.
During the loneliness I felt before Hogwarts, school shone, like a beacon of hope. If I could just do magic, then perhaps I could go to Hogwarts, and there I would find someone, and my life would finally take that turn. I looked out to that day. It was what I kept on going for, it was the reason I trusted the world to help me: someday, when I went to Hogwarts, I might no longer be alone. When I got my letter, I felt the flame of hope inside of me increase, that flame that kept me going.
Yet at Hogwarts, too, I saw disappointment. Dean and Seamus had already become best friends, and there tight bond couldn't let me in. Sure, they were, and still are, nice to me, but never a close friend, never anyone I could confide in. And Harry and Ron are too close, too. Besides, why would Harry Potter want me? I was just bumbling, forgetful Neville, no one special, no one he had any reason to care about.
I suppose Harry wouldn't have thought of me that way, now that I think back. I should have tried to befriend him from the beginning, instead of staying away because I was too afraid I wasn't good enough to be with Harry Potter. Looking back, there are so many things I probably should have done, that would have given me a friend. But I didn't realize that, and now it's too late.
Hermione's the closest to a real companion I have ever had, except for my parents, but they are gone. She cares about me more than anyone else right now. She was the one who cared when she saw what that spider did to me in Mad-Eye Moody's class. But even she isn't someone I can tell everything to, about my parents, and my feelings. She already has her close friends; I'm just the boy on the outside. She cares about me, but we can't ever be close friends. I know that, and I accept it.
Sure, I accept my loneliness. If I didn't, what would become of me? We have to accept what is meant to be, or else we will just fall further and further into despair. I know that. I've known it for a long time. Ever since I can remember, I accepted the fact that I had to be different from the other children.
But accepting doesn't mean understanding, or liking it. I still spend many a night wishing I wasn't so alone, that I had someone in my life to help me through the tumultuous times, and to comfort me when times are hard. I still don't understand why what had to be had to be, why I must be so alone.
Yes, I still do wish that I wasn't alone. But I've given up on actually believing that my wish could come true. I know that I'll probably, almost certainly, spend the rest of my life like this. But still, there's a tiny flicker of hope, that keeps me going. And this flicker of hope, this tiny chance I might find someone, someday, is going to be what keeps me going until I find someone, or until I die, whichever comes first.
A.N.: Oh dear, that's my worst monologue ever. Oh well, please do review, I really love reviews. It only takes a moment. You can make your review as long or as short as you want, just please tell me what you thought of this. I am especially grateful for constructive criticism. I also like it when people give me a rating from 1-10. But no matter what you want to say, please do write a review. Thank you in advance!!!