Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day
SEASON 2
EPISODE 1
Airdate: September 29, 2013
Title: Fourth Grade Friday (Season Premiere)
Segway Segment: RoundTable ("What identity is Girl Meets World supposed to have?")
Satire/Social Commentary: Freshman Friday, cycle of violence
Written by Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, animated by Paul Wardenson, storyboarded by Dr. Nihilistic, directed by Ken Lipman & Thomas W. Lynch
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is getting ready to leave for the first day of school.
SPARKY: I really hope they serve chocolate milk at lunch today.
(doorbell rings)
SPARKY: Oh no, the guys! I didn't want to be the last one ready. Makes me feel queer.
(Sparky opens the door; it's Jaylynn)
JAYLYNN: Hey.
SPARKY: Oh, it's just you.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, why is there beef between us?
SPARKY: I don't know. Maybe it's because you send me a text saying you're moving here and you're already unpacking by the time I get back from Vegas.
JAYLYNN: I tried calling you, but you were too busy playing with showgirls to care.
SPARKY: That never happened!
JAYLYNN: KG told me.
SPARKY: He can't prove that, no one can.
JAYLYNN: He showed me pictures and a video.
(long pause)
(imitating Cory Matthews) SPARKY: They WANT you to take the rolls!
JAYLYNN: Look, Sparky, we've been friends ever since you were assigned as my pen pal. So tell me. Why do you feel like me moving to your hometown is such a problem?
SPARKY: You wouldn't understand. The guys will never accept you.
JAYLYNN: What are you talking about? Buster's cool with me and Wade seems to have...a crush on me? So it's all good.
SPARKY: What about RK?
JAYLYNN: I was trying to leave him out. Dude, it's fine. I mean, I'm pretty sure whatever RK has to be mad about is in the past.
RK: I'm still mad about it!
(Sparky realizes he's at school now with the guys)
SPARKY: What the...how did I get here? Look, RK, can't you at least think about it?
RK: Nope. Nothing will ever make me forgive that asshole.
SPARKY: What did she do anyway?
RK: Last fall when she visited you, I said "hi" to her, and she ignored me.
(long pause)
SPARKY: You're upset with Jaylynn because she didn't say "hi" to you? Come on, RK, you're not Buster here.
BUSTER: I have feelings!
SPARKY: Sorry, buddy. But RK seriously, there have to be other things.
RK: Well, other than the fact that she has to constantly express her lifestyle, that annoying voice that makes her sound like a third-grader and the Janis Joplin tattoo on her...
SPARKY: DON'T! Speak about it. We swore we would never say anything about that tattoo...AGAIN.
RK: Still, it was pretty disturbing. Just where it was...
SPARKY: DON'T! RK, bubby, baby, just think about it. Please. For my sake?
RK: Alright. You know you're too cool to stay mad at for long.
(Sparky smiles)
BUSTER: Well, our first day back in the system. I personally welcome everybody to Hell.
WADE: Buster, why do you have to be so negative about school? I love it. Homework, projects, extra credit assignments...
(Buster sprays Wade with water)
(long pause)
WADE: What the (bleep) are you doing?
BUSTER: Ghosts don't like the fumes of ether. You're not a real human being if you like school.
WADE: That wasn't ether, dumbass, it was water!
BUSTER: Really? Well, at least it shut you up.
RK: I hear you, Buster. School just isn't my thing. I feel stupider than the time Wade tried to teach me what a vector derivative is.
(Wade is at RK's house with a chalkboard and a stick)
WADE: What is a vector derivative?
RK: I don't know!
(Wade hits RK with the stick)
WADE: Wrong, you DO know. What is a vector derivative?
RK: I think that's what Sulu caught from the Klingons.
(RK starts laughing like a hyena, and Wade hits him with the stick again)
WADE: NO! Listen up. A vector derivative is a derivative taken with respect to a vector field. Vector derivatives are EXTREMELY important in physics. They arise throughout fluid mechanics, electricity and magnetism, elasticity, and many other areas of theory and applied physics.
RK: I'll never get this stuff.
WADE: WRONG! You WILL get this stuff. Why? Because your teacher is HIGHLY motivated. And the sooner you learn this stuff, the sooner I can go home and watch The Fosters.
(RK looks around the room after that statement)
WADE: Now, what is a vector derivative?!
RK: OK, OK! A vector derivative is a derivative taken with respect to a vector field. Vector derivatives are extremely important in physics. They arise throughout fluid mechanics, electricity and magnetism, elasticity, and many other areas of theory and applied physics, sir!
WADE: There's hope for you yet, maggot.
(Wade starts to pack up his things)
RK: Just one question.
WADE: Yes?
RK: Why are you teaching me a high school concept when we're only in the fourth grade?
(Wade stares at the camera, which is what he does whenever someone acknowledges something he doesn't want them to)
RK: Seriously, why?
The stare seems to be in real-time, because Wade is doing it while RK is speaking to him.
RK: Wade? WADE?!
(bell rings, which knocks Wade out of his trance)
WADE: Guys, you have to get to class. You don't want to be late on the first day!
(Wade runs for his first period class)
BUSTER: Come on RK, let's bounce.
(RK apparently suffers from the same thing that Wade does, however he does it whenever the first bell rings on the first day of school)
SPARKY: Shit, he does this every year.
BUSTER: Time to carry him again.
(Sparky and Buster are forced to carry RK to class)
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: YES, CHOCOLATE MILK, TURN UP, MAN! TURN UP!
(long pause)
WADE: That creepiness aside, how was the first half of the first day for you two?
BUSTER: I hate it! I have Mr. Andrews first and second period, I only have one class with Kaily, and I was put in this urban beautification art garbage. At least Mr. Slabodsky is my advisor. He's cool.
RK: I think it's went well so far. I met this smoking hot Dominican girl, I met this smoking hot Dominican girl...and I met this smoking hot Dominican girl.
SPARKY: So, is her name Smoking Hot Dominican Girl?
(Sparky rolls his eyes and has a sly smile)
RK: No, it's Yomaris. But it sucks because she doesn't speak English.
BUSTER: Wait, if she can't speak English, how do you talk to her?
RK: I don't. Ashley told me everything I needed to know.
WADE: She knows Yomaris?
RK: Yeah, apparently, Yomaris moved across the street from Ashley in July and they became friends. Of course, it took a while for Ashley to remember her name.
BUSTER: I thought that was because Ashley's stupid.
RK: No, it just takes her a long time to learn new names. Doctors say she might have autism or something. Pass the salt?
(Sparky passes RK the salt)
SPARKY: You know, I haven't seen Sanna all day. She loves the first day of school. Like last year.
(The cutaway shows Sanna passing through several kids in line to get to the front)
SPARKY: Sanna, could you just wait your damn turn like everybody else?
SANNA: No way, Sparky. I have to be the first one in line.
(long pause)
SPARKY: But you hate school!
RK: She goes to Mona Robinson now.
BUSTER: Mona Robinson Elementary? Way to trade up, Sanna!
RK: Yeah, it sucks.
WADE: Why? You were thinking about asking her out and dating her, you little lovesick puppy?
RK: Maybe, you smart-mouthed jackass. But at least I can spend the year focusing on my man.
(Buster realizes RK's grabbing his shoulder)
(imitating Professor Oglevee) BUSTER: Get off me! You cup of purple drank!
(Manny and Will run towards the boys)
MANNY: Guys, we have bad news! Really bad news!
WILL: It concerns all the fourth graders!
BUSTER: Did they put my grades on the wall again as a reminder of how not to perform during the school year? Because I'll sue them again if I need to.
MANNY: No, worse.
BUSTER: RK's grades?
(long pause)
RK: Buster, with all due respect, your grades aren't good enough to buy you a honey bun at the corner store. Without icing.
(Buster angrily stares at RK)
WILL: The fourth graders are getting beat up on Friday!
SPARKY: What? Stop joking, Will.
MANNY: He's not kidding, you asshole! The fifth graders are planning it as we speak. They're calling it Fourth Grade Friday.
BUSTER: Fourth Grade Friday? Never heard of that.
WADE: Allow me to explain. You see Buster, back in the day when desegregation was forming, white kids would often beat up, prank, and humiliate black kids on the first Friday of the school year. They called it Fried Chicken Friday. Eventually, as racism died down, it became a case of the fifth graders doing the same thing to the fourth graders.
RK: Wait, how come we didn't hear about this last year?
WADE: It only happens every two years.
SPARKY: I heard about this. Last Fourth Grade Friday, this one kid got his ass kicked so bad he had to suck his meals through a straw for a month. Poor Jonathan couldn't enjoy brownies for weeks.
BUSTER: Boys can be so cruel.
SPARKY: It was Samantha that kicked his ass.
BUSTER: Oh, forget it.
RK: Where did you guys get this information from?
WILL: From the fifth graders. They've been bragging about it ever since they got their schedules.
WADE: You guys know what we need to do?
SPARKY: Acknowledge the fact that Buster called RK a cup of purple drank?
WADE: That too. But first we need to find out from the fifth graders if this is the real deal.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Gymnasium
Seattle, Washington
RK: I don't get it, Wade. What are we going to accomplish here? I mean, we know Fourth Grade Friday is for real.
WADE: Not exactly. You see in the last five years, there hasn't been an undisputed case of fourth graders getting bullied. Everyone seems to have varying opinions. Besides, it might have just become a rumor started every year to scare fourth graders.
BRANDON: I can't wait for Friday, man.
YUSEF: I know. This is going to be SICK!
BUSTER: See that? They're talking about us.
SPARKY: Hold on, maybe Wade is right. Maybe they're going to a party on Friday to celebrate the first week of school.
YUSEF: Those fourth graders are going to get it. I've been practicing my Spinal Tap for weeks.
RK: Spinal Tap? Isn't that a finisher by AJ Styles?
WADE: Hang on a minute. Maybe some fourth graders were acting like big shots to the fifth graders, and their resolve is being tested in a fight separate from ours.
BRANDON: So, are you sure Matthew got the eggs?
YUSEF: Hell yeah he did. This is going to be the best Fourth Grade Friday in the history of this school.
BUSTER: We're getting our asses kicked on Friday, aren't we?
SPARKY, RK, AND WADE: Yup.
(The "oh-oh-ohhhhh-oh" from the beginning of the theme song for Big Time Rush plays in the background as Testicular Sound Express laments their fate)
SEGWAY SEGMENT
WADE: Hello everybody. I'm Wade Saltalamacchia from Thank You, Heavenly. And this is our new Segway Segment called RoundTable. Each week, we tackle a certain topic related to television, music, or movies. But it's not limited to that. From time to time, we may discuss a certain topic in the news or a timeless political topic. Tonight's topic: What identity is Girl Meets World supposed to have? Now, all four of you know that Girl Meets World is the spin-off to Boy Meets World, and many people have varying opinions on that. Some want this show to be just like the original, others want the show to grow and develop on its own without the legacy it has to carry. RK, you have the floor first.
RK: Thank you, Wade. When it comes down to it, I disagree with those who want Girl Meets World to be just like Boy Meets World. All I hear is that Boy Meets World covered serious topics and the deep reality of growing up. That show was not 21 Jump Street. Yeah, it may have done some very special episodes once in a while, but it wasn't like that all the time. It was just a simple TV show like a lot of others. I think because it was that good, because it really was that good, people want the same thing from the spin-off. And why? For nostalgia. They don't want their childhood memories ruined by whatever Disney Channel is putting out. Besides, Disney Channel has a negative reputation now so that has a lot to do with it. Look, nobody should believe Disney owes them anything. This show needs an identity of its own. This is a Disney Channel show, so if it has a Disney Channel style, these nostalgic fans shouldn't be offended. It wasn't made for them in the first place.
SPARKY: I have something to say about that. If this show fails, Michael Jacobs can only blame himself. He should know that these adults are going to be on him if he doesn't produce a show that at least holds up to the original. He knew what he was getting himself into with this idea. Degrassi did the spin-off thing well, and still does in a way, but Jacobs shouldn't be surprised if this show is a bomb.
BUSTER: I think the show is in good hands. There's no way Jacobs would do this if he knew he would make the average kids show. I think it should have that Boy Meets World feel. It should have it because it WILL have it. Whatever identity it will have, I know Michael Jacobs will make it work.
JAYLYNN: As someone who has seen every episode of Boy Meets World, I think that it should be similar to the original show. Disney Channel hasn't made a quality show in a very long time, so...
RK: If you want to call Good Luck Charlie, A.N.T. Farm, Austin & Ally, and Jessie shows that aren't quality.
JAYLYNN: They're not. I can't lie about Good Luck Charlie. That's a great show. But overall, Disney Channel is garbage. That's why Michael Jacobs can't (bleep) this up. He needs to make something that can be put in the same sentence as Boy Meets World.
RK: Like I said, you're one of those people that want a BMW 2.0. That's crap. Michael Jacobs can do whatever he wants with this show. The only spin-off thing about it is that Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel are in it. Other than that, there's nothing that should tie it to the original show. This is going to be a Disney Channel-style show. You may not like the way things are done, but it's going to happen that way.
JAYLYNN: That's what you think. You automatically believe it's going to be a Disney Channel-style show. Have you ever seen a single episode of Boy Meets World?
RK: Yes, five freaking seasons in two months. Nothing separates it from a lot of other shows. It wasn't the Holy Grail of television. I could probably think of five shows better than it. But that kind of stuff was great. It was something that was great for its ERA. A show like that can't exist today because society won't let it exist. It has to have some weird concept strapped to it.
JAYLYNN: What weird concepts?
RK: Back when...
WADE: Tune in to next week's edition of RoundTable, right here on Thank You, Heavenly.
SCENE 4
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Buster is pacing around the room while the boys think about Fourth Grade Friday)
SPARKY: Buster, could you please stop pacing like that?
BUSTER: NO! Don't you get it, Sparks? THEY'RE GOING TO KICK OUR ASS!
RK: Not if we show solidarity. Here. Yo-yos for everyone.
(RK passes a red yo-yo to Sparky, a yellow one to Wade, and a blue yo-yo to Buster)
WADE: What the (bleep) does this have to do with anything?
RK: If every fourth grader takes a yo-yo with them on Friday and throw it at the fifth graders, we might have a shot.
WADE: Yeah. Until that initial barrage ends and they kill us.
BUSTER: I can handle that.
SPARKY: Guys, wait, RK might be on to something.
RK: You bet I'm on to something.
(long pause)
RK: What am I on to?
SPARKY: All fourth graders need to band together and take out the fifth graders as a collective. If they try to get to us individually, we remain in packs at all times. Remember: There's safety in numbers.
WADE: This is ridiculous. Why can't we just go to Principal Radwell, explain what the seniors are going to do, and realize that the cycle of violence is getting out of hand? These fifth graders are only doing what happened to them.
RK: That's impossible, Fourth Grade Friday only happens every two years. I doubt these fifth graders ever got assaulted.
WADE: It's possible. They could've easily taken out the random third grader.
BUSTER: I have a question.
SPARKY: Yeah, Buster?
BUSTER: Why won't this yo-yo stay on my finger?
(long pause)
WADE: You have to put the yo-yo through your...(sighing) when the fifth graders beat us, can we sacrifice Buster first?
(Buster angrily stares at Wade)
SPARKY: Don't worry, pal, I'll help.
(Jaylynn opens the door)
JAYLYNN: Guys, guys, guys, did you hear about...
RK: Fourth Grade Friday? We heard.
WADE: Jaylynn, you want to make out with me?
JAYLYNN: No, Wade.
WADE: Let me re-phrase. Jaylynn, how would you like to make out with me?
(long pause)
SPARKY: Wade, you have no game. RK, could I see you in the kitchen?
RK: About what?
SPARKY: The cilantro. We're out of cilantro.
(Sparky throws RK into the kitchen and shuts the door)
RK: Why did you call me in here to talk about your cilantro?
SPARKY: It's Jaylynn.
RK: Jaylynn wants me to talk to you about your cilantro?
SPARKY: Forget the damn spices! Look, did you think about accepting Jaylynn into Testicular Sound Express?
RK: Yeah. No, I won't allow it.
SPARKY: RK, what did Jaylynn ever do to you?
RK: Sparky, we don't get along. The difference between us is that I know I'm anti-establishment without saying it, while Jaylynn has to PROVE she's anti-establishment. Plus, everyone thinks she's so sweet and witty and cool. Behind closed doors, she's a dick. I can't even talk to her for ten minutes without her saying "I don't know, I guess" three times. She's not good enough for this group. And what makes you think she even wants to be in this group?
SPARKY: She does. She told me. But I don't know, man. Maybe she's just not the right fit.
RK: Girls don't belong in Testicular Sound Express, Sparky. That's not being misogynistic, we have searched miles and miles for that perfect female friend but she's not coming any time soon.
SPARKY: Maybe Jaylynn has to do something really cool to get in.
RK: I think that's fair. Lord knows Jaylynn Michelle Huie isn't cool. She's just a derp.
SPARKY: Yeah, I hate to admit it, but Jaylynn IS pretty derpy.
(Jaylynn starts crying and runs out of the house)
(Sparky and RK come out a minute later and see that Jaylynn's gone)
SPARKY: Where's Jaylynn?
WADE: You should know, you bullying assholes. See what I'm talking about? This Fourth Grade Friday crap is messing with your brains.
(Wade furiously leaves)
RK: What's Wade talking about?
BUSTER: You guys pretty much agreed that Jaylynn's a derp who's not cool enough to hang with us.
SPARKY: Oh, man! RK, you see that? We hurt Jaylynn's feelings. Do you know how sensitive she is?
RK: Sensitive enough to dye her black hair red?
(Sparky looks annoyed)
RK: Sorry, that was out of line. When it comes to Jaylynn, it's like a sickness.
BUSTER: So, what about the cilantro?
RK: Yeah, Sparky, do you still want to talk to me about it?
SPARKY: GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
SCENE 5
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Principal Radwell's Office
Seattle, Washington
Wade is there hoping to put an end to Fourth Grade Friday.
WADE: And so, Principal Radwell, I can't stand by and watch this happen. Us fourth graders shouldn't be the victim of some brutal hazing for the fifth graders' amusement. This is not right on any level and it's endangerment.
RADWELL: Well, thank you for bringing this to my attention, Wade. We, as members of the school community, need to make this a safe learning environment for everyone involved.
WADE: Are you going to talk to some of the fifth graders?
RADWELL: I'll try to talk to as many as I can.
(Wade leaves believing the job has been done)
KRYSTAL: Hey Wade.
WADE: Krystal? Krystal Zayas, is that really you?
KRYSTAL: Well, I don't know who else I would be.
WADE: I thought you graduated last year.
KRYSTAL: Why does everyone think that? THIS year, I graduate.
WADE: Well, you look like a smoking hot sixth grader, that's why.
(Krystal rolls her eyes and smiles)
KRYSTAL: You always know how to make me laugh, Wade.
WADE: Did you hear about Fourth Grade Friday?
KRYSTAL: That is SO stupid. I'm not a part of that. I mean, I can't convince these guys to not do it, but I can't let you guys get hurt.
SPARKY: Hey Wade.
BUSTER: Sup.
RK: Krystal got left back? I thought you got great grades last year.
KRYSTAL: You too? Really?
WADE: I spoke to Principal Radwell and Krystal about Fourth Grade Friday, and they both are going to try and help as much as possible.
SPARKY: You spoke to Principal Radwell?
WADE: Why not?
SPARKY: Wade, Principal Radwell can't do jack. The fifth graders will deny what they're doing after one stubborn student can't keep their mouth shut, and then they come at you sneakier and harder. It's best to just roll with the punches, dude.
WADE: Why? This is freaking bullying, something has to be done this time.
SPARKY: Well, maybe once we hit sixth grade. The sad part is that this is what society has turned into. We can't win the division every season.
(Wade puts his head down in shame)
KRYSTAL: Maybe we can't win the division every season, but we CAN win the wild-card game at least.
BUSTER: Could you guys stop with the baseball analogies? My brain is fried.
WADE: Glad you finally realized that, old bean.
(Buster gives Wade another angry stare)
WADE: I'll just mumble to myself. (starts mumbling to himself)
KRYSTAL: We need to bring the fourth and fifth graders together somehow. Maybe we can work it out.
SPARKY: Maybe we CAN work it out.
WADE: Sounds like a plan.
BUSTER: I'm in.
(RK is laughing, not being aware of what's going on; he suddenly realizes everybody's staring at him)
RK: Sorry, I was watching That's So Raven on my iPhone. That damn Pushover Patterson. But yeah, let's work this out!
("Work It Out" by the Jonas Brothers playing in the background)
Testicular Sound Express and Krystal have teamed up in an unprecedented partnership to stop Fourth Grade Friday. With Principal Radwell's help, they schedule peer mediation seminars, hand out anti-Fourth Grade Friday buttons, and actually bring both grades together entirely to talk about the hazing ritual. During this time, Jaylynn refuses to speak to either Sparky or RK.
SPARKY: Well, I think that was a productive day.
(In Buster's mind, he's thinking: "How did we do all this shit in a day?")
RK: Krystal is an angel for helping us out.
WADE: Everybody loves Krystal, man. They'll be more inclined to stop Fourth Grade Friday if she's not endorsing it.
KEYON: Guys! Guys, help!
SPARKY: Keyon? What the hell is all this?
(Keyon is hanging on a hook, his glasses are broken, and his shirt's ripped-up)
KEYON: Taequan did this.
RK: Taequan? I'm sorry, names just go right past me.
WADE: What did Taequan do?
(Sparky takes Keyon off the hook and returns his backpack)
KEYON: He stole my bookbag and threw it here in the alley. And when I went to get it, he beat me.
RK: So, is Taequan the guy who sells drugs at the corner of the library?
BUSTER: No, I think that's Daequan, his older brother.
RK: Oh. Wait, is he the guy that's dating Precious?
BUSTER: Nah, I'm pretty sure that's Phillip.
RK: Wait, is he the idiot savant?
BUSTER: The one that lacks common intelligence but actually can be a deep thinker from time to time?
RK: Yeah.
BUSTER: That's me.
RK: Oh.
KEYON: Well, I'll see you guys tomorrow.
(Keyon walks home gingerly)
SPARKY: This isn't right, you guys.
WADE: I agree.
RK: You two are getting worked up over nothing. That Taequan guy beats Keyon up all the time.
BUSTER: Isn't it because Keyon is always in his walk?
RK: What does that mean?
BUSTER: When you're in somebody's walk, you're in the way.
RK: No, I think that's Matthew.
BUSTER: I hate that potato-eating pile of Jell-O.
SPARKY AND WADE: GUYS!
(Buster cowers behind RK in fear)
WADE: I feel like something terrible is about to happen.
SPARKY: Me too. As if this is foreshadowing events which will have a negative impact on our lives. Or maybe, Buster and RK are right and this leads to nothing.
BRANDON: Hey, fourth graders, don't be late tomorrow!
BUSTER: For what? School? Because I'm late almost all the time.
YUSEF: No, Fourth Grade Friday.
SPARKY: I thought we settled that already.
BRANDON: Haven't you ever heard of a good PR stunt?
(Brandon leaves with Yusef and a group of other seniors)
RK: Didn't you guys learn ANYTHING from the Jonas Brothers montage?
SPARKY: I'm stumped, boys. I guess all we can do tomorrow is fight.
WADE: Not necessarily.
BUSTER: Does that mean he has some devious plot that we should know about?
RK: I think it does, sugar daddy.
(Buster quickly stares at RK while Wade is talking)
WADE: Look, I won't go into detail right now. But meet me outside the radio station tomorrow morning, right before first period. And don't be late.
BUSTER: Dammit.
(The boys are shocked that Buster WANTS to be late to school)
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Interior Sparky's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: I might die tomorrow, Santa's Little Helper. So I'm going to leave all of this, and my inheritance, to you.
(SLH meows "Why can't you just not go to school? Aren't you and the guys smart enough to know that?")
SPARKY: We ARE smart enough, smart-ass. But we all agreed that any fourth grader that doesn't show up is a pussy. Besides, Wade has a plan.
(SLH meows "Maybe you should call Jaylynn one last time.")
SPARKY: Yeah. If this is my last night on Earth...
MR. FUTCH: DAMMIT! GOD-DAMMIT! (BLEEP) THIS (BLEEP) GARBAGE! GOD, WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS THIS DAMN SHIT! (BLEEP) YOU AND (BLEEP) YOUR WIFE, BITCH!
SPARKY: SHUT UP, MR. FUTCH!
MR. FUTCH: HEY, MACDOUGAL! KISS MY (BLEEP) ASS, YOU PATHETIC BASTARD!
SPARKY: (BLEEP) YOU TO HELL, MAN!
MR. FUTCH: (BLEEP) YOUR SISTER TO HELL WITH ME!
SPARKY: I DON'T HAVE A SISTER, DUMBASS!
(long pause)
MR. FUTCH: (BLEEP) YOUR BROTHER THEN!
(to the camera) SPARKY: Mr. Futch is my new neighbor. He suffers from a rare form of Tourette's syndrome, which causes him to blurt out obscenities at random times. Good thing the closed window gives me peace and quiet at night.
(Jaylynn's telephone rings)
JAYLYNN: Hello? What, do you want to tell me that we can't be friends anymore because I'm not cool enough?
SPARKY: Jaylynn, I don't understand why there has to be beef between us.
JAYLYNN: Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's because you agreed with RK that I need to do something cool to get into your prissy little group.
SPARKY: Yeah. And we're not prissy, we're jaded!
JAYLYNN: Whatever.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, look, I'm sorry, OK? Can we please just forget about it? We have Fourth Grade Friday and our impending demise coming tomorrow.
JAYLYNN: Nice. You still don't get it.
(Jaylynn hangs up)
SPARKY: Jaylynn?
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Radio Station
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: I want to be remembered as an honest boy. Someone who tried to be a good person but could be easily subjected to the pack mentality. Or maybe, a tragic leader who valiantly fought to save his friends.
RK: Sparky...
SPARKY: No, I don't want to prop myself up. But this is terrible. What if the local mailman finds out? We were closer than frick and frack.
BUSTER: Sparky...
SPARKY: We even had our own handshake. Hicka-bicka-boo? HOO-SHA! No, wait, that wasn't ours.
RK AND BUSTER: SPARKY?!
SPARKY: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you guys just came.
RK: We've been here for more than 15 minutes.
BUSTER: Where's Wade? Isn't it ironic how HE'S the late boy?
WADE: Sorry, I'm late because my alarm clock malfunctioned and I took extra time to fix it.
BUSTER: Right, Wade. Your ALARM clock malfunctioned. We UNDERSTAND.
WADE: Buster, that really happened.
BUSTER: It's OK, Wade, it's OK. You can't be on time all the time.
WADE: Buster...
SPARKY: Sorry to ruin the banter here, but why are we at the radio station?
WADE: Well, remember when we all signed up for our own radio show during free period in June?
RK: You guys signed up. You just beat me and told me that if I didn't sign up too, you would kill me.
BUSTER: That's unrelated.
WADE: Anyway, with this radio show, we can get the message out that the fourth graders need to protect themselves and their friends today. And I think it's time for our first installment.
TEN MINUTES LATER
Word of the radio show has already spread quickly.
BUSTER: You think we got the point across?
WADE: I think so. As long as we stay in packs like Sparky said, we should be fine.
MATTHEW: You're first for the day, kid!
WADE: What do you mean I'm first for the day...wait, get off me! NO! NO, DON'T TAKE ME!
SPARKY: Let's help him!
WADE: No, save yourselves and the other fourth graders.
(Wade is being dragged by his feet to an unknown location by Matthew)
WADE: NO! DON'T TAKE ME! DON'T TAKE ME! DON'T TAKE ME! DON'T TAKE ME!
(Wade is dragged away from sight)
WADE: WAIT! I HAVE TO FIND OUT THE HOMEWORK!
(Wade is dragged away a second and final time, while Sparky and Buster stare at each other in fear; RK gulps)
SCENE 8
iCarly Elementary School
Exterior Playground
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: This is terrible.
BUSTER: I know. Mr. Zarrouk has decided to teach urban beautification art this year.
(Sparky and RK angrily stare at Buster)
BUSTER: Oh right, Wade. Hot topic in the news today.
RK: I don't even think Wade is at 100% right now after the whole...you know.
SPARKY: For his sake, I hope they just give him a Texas wedgie and be done with it.
(Brandon, Yusef, and Taequan take Sparky, Buster, and RK respectively to an area far from the school)
BRANDON: Ready for the punishment?
SPARKY: What did you do to Wade, you street urchin?
BUSTER: Street urchin's not cool.
SPARKY: Is it really my fault I'm a fan of Oliver Twist?
YUSEF: Wade is in a better place right now.
RK: OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED WADE!
BUSTER: YOU BASTARDS!
TAEQUAN: No, he's trapped in my locker.
WADE: It smells like old condoms in here.
SPARKY: What kind of joy do you get out of this, guys? You want your kids to grow up thinking it's OK to be a bully?
BRANDON: We don't care about that. We're just fifth graders.
YUSEF: Besides, this is way too much. Taequan, eggs please.
TAEQUAN: Newman, you first.
BUSTER: OK. But eggs bind me right up. Do you have something like cheese or sand that you can throw at me?
BRANDON: Shut up!
(Taequan throws six eggs at Buster that hit him like bullets and he falls down; because eggs are binding to his system, Buster throws up)
BUSTER: Guess this isn't the only food I'm seeing today.
SPARKY: BUSTER! Guys, stop it! NOW!
YUSEF: Jennings, time for a wrestling match.
RK: Yusef, I don't have my ring gear on and I'm deathly afraid of you.
(Yusef hits RK with the Go To Sleep and locks him in the Anaconda Vice; Taequan holds back a hysterical Sparky)
SPARKY: NO! GUYS, NO! DAMMIT!
(Buster is still down from the egg barrage, and RK is incapacitated)
BRANDON: Now, it's your turn, MacDougal.
SPARKY: I SAID, STOP IT!
(Brandon kicks Sparky in the midsection and punches him; he then sets up for the Punt Kick to Sparky's skull)
JAYLYNN: THAT'S ENOUGH!
("Everybody Down" by Nonpoint playing in the background)
Jaylynn, with steel chair in hand, comes and starts going to town on Brandon, Yusef, and Taequan 11 times each with the chair. For attacking Sparky, Jaylynn locks Brandon in the STF, using a steel chain for added pressure and forces Brandon to cough up blood.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, you son of a bitch. You saved my life!
BUSTER: And mine.
(RK is still incapacitated)
BUSTER: Let's revive RK and get Wade out of Taequan's locker first.
(trying to regain strength) SPARKY: Good...thinking, buddy.
JAYLYNN: Sparky!
SPARKY: Don't worry, I got it.
(Jaylynn hugs Sparky)
SCENE 9
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK: So she beat down three seniors with a steel chair and a steel chain?
SPARKY: Yup.
JAYLYNN: But I'm being suspended for fighting.
SPARKY: And every fifth grader who took part is getting a superintendent suspension and/or expulsion.
WADE: My girl saved the day like I knew she would.
JAYLYNN: Whatever you say, Wade.
RK: You know, Jaylynn, I was wrong about you. When you're not being a sarcastic dick, you're actually a really cool girl.
JAYLYNN: I could say the same thing about you, bro.
(Everyone starts laughing)
SPARKY: Me too. Jaylynn proved herself today. I wrote her off like an asshole, and I'm really sorry for that. And to make up for it, she is now the fifth friend in Testicular Sound Express!
(Everyone cheers)
JAYLYNN: Thank you, thank you. And I promise you guys, I am going to be the best female friend you ever had.
RK: You better.
(Jaylynn smiles; She's glowing after that comment)
BUSTER: Wait, I don't get it.
SPARKY: What's on your mind, Buster?
BUSTER: What's the moral to this story?
SPARKY: There's none, I guess.
BUSTER: That's stupid. We went through all this and learned nothing?
SPARKY: Violence is not the answer, there.
BUSTER: Not satisfying enough.
SPARKY: Buster, why does there always have to be some hamfisted moral? Can't we just enjoy life without having to learn something all the time?
BUSTER: No. What if someone's watching this? What are they going to think?
SPARKY: The moral can be whatever they want. I hate how TV shows always shove a lesson down your throat every week.
RK: Yeah, like why do they need educational value to be entertaining?
WADE: The viewers aren't stupid. They can sense phony morals and tacked-on messages a mile away.
JAYLYNN: Right. Good thing our life isn't like that.
SPARKY: Yeah.
(long pause)
BUSTER: You guys just lampshaded our show.
(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: BUSTER!
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("Streets Of New York" by Kool G. Rap & DJ Polo playing in the end credits)
©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
WELCOME BACK AMERICA :)