Scullys POV. Around the time she stopped working because of her cancer. Sorry for any innacuracies.
This story is for Dijon, cos he's letting me use his computer to publish it :) and to OneTurtleDove, my favourite xfiles fanfiction writer. If you haven't read her stuff, then do. Its really good.
Rated k.
It's late.
It's late, but I can't sleep.
There's a full moon tonight; are you watching it too, wherever you are now?
I know I told you to go home, get some sleep...but I really wish you'd come back now.
Honestly, I don't care if you sleep, I don't care what you do....as long as you're here.
Is it selfish to say that?
I remember, when a nurse first said that to me "Dana, you're allowed to be selfish, you've got cancer!"
God, I hated her when she said that.
I had to bite my tongue to stop myself saying "Yeah, cos i'd really forgotton until you reminded me!"
I don't try to snap at people, I try to be fair....but it can get so wearing.
It feels like i've spent forever being strong for people- for my mom, whose still coming to terms with the very real possibility of losing a second daughter.
For my brothers, who have no idea how to begin to deal with this but are trying all the same.
For my other friends who are as supportive as they can be, but what do you say to someone who might not live to see the next olympics.
It's exhausting.
You were the first person I called when I got the test results back.
It feels so long ago now after everything that has happened, but I remember it exactly; you actually made me smile when I couldn't imaigine I ever would again, and then I saved the petals of the biggest rose in the bunch and put them in my purse because I needed something to remind me that even though I had cancer, I could still smile.
That there was still anything to smile for.
You drove me to the hospital, and drove me home afterwards, time after time until it got so that I couldn't come home after all.
And even then you stayed with me, stayed all that first night, when I couldn't stop crying and I admitted how afraid I was of death.
I told all that to only you.
There's no one else I could tell.
There's no one else who'd understand.
Please come back soon.
I can't sleep, not here, not with everything thats been going on, things I didn't think would ever have any connection with me and my life.
I can't sleep here on my own.
Thats why i'm sitting here, by the window of my fifth floor room,cool glass against the side of my forehead, looking up and the moon and wondering if you can see it too.
Mulder,when you're here, I can be strong enough for everyone else.
I can be strong enough for me, strong enough to keep on surviving...but it's only because I have you to remind me that there's more to me than the cancer that's taking me over, that I have a life beyond this room, this hospital.
You said you loved me.
Did you know when you said it that I was awake?
Did you know that it's because of what you said that I cry, because I can't bear to die before I have had enough time to love you, and to be loved by you?
Did you know that it's also because of what you said that I keep holding on?
Maybe i'll tell you. Maybe I won't. Maybe you already know.
You have to know I love you too, thats the one thing you need to know, more than anything else.
I love you too, Mulder.
But I want to live long enough to love you for the rest of both of our lives, not just the rest of mine.
And the truth? The truth is, i'm not sure I will. And the truth is, i've never been this afraid. And the truth is, I've never needed you more.
Mulder. Do you remember just after I was abducted, when I was kidnapped? When I dream about it, it's as vivid as anything ever has been. It's just as terrifying as it was then. I thought I would die. Now I know I will die.
Mulder, you were there to save me that time, that time and the times after. You held me when I broke down afterwards. You told me it would be okay. It comforted me then.
Mulder, I wish you could tell me that it'll all be okay now. I wish I could believe you.
But I cant.
I cant.
Mulder......
I don't want to die.