Okay, I got the idea for this story a couple of days ago, in the middle of the night. Yes, maybe that is a weird time to get story ideas. Or maybe my mind had untapped genius which peaks between 2 and 3 am. Mozart's genius came in the form of music, Einstein's in the form of scientific theory....what can I say, mine comes in the form of rambling, half formed Mulder/Scully fan fiction....
Or maybe I just have a slightly pathetic life and a tendency to panic at the sight of blood. Who knows?
Disclaimer? What disclaimer? I own the x Files. I keep them here in my bedroom. Right now, Scully is trying on my high heels, Mulder is doing some press ups on the floor and has taken off his shirt, Skinner is trying to take Cigarette Smoking Man down for the last Oreo and the Lone Gunmen are sulking because I won't look up any Star Wars Fanfics for them.
Yeah. That's all true.
This story is for Adrian and James, because I feel bad about what happened, and because you'll never read this story anyway.
Spoiler: Set around the time of Scully's cancer, when she's still working but still affected by it physically in minor ways.
It always happened the same way.
They'd say goodnight, go through into their separate rooms.
She'd come to his room about an hour later, knock so lightly on his door he could tell just from hearing her that she was already having second thoughts and was half hoping he wouldn't hear her, and wouldn't meet his eyes when he opened it.
That was how it happened that night.
"Hey, Scully"
"Hey"
"Come in, I'm emailing Skinner our expenses list. I'm going to judge how purple he's gotten by the number of exclamation points in his reply."
That was how it worked, talking about nothing like everything was fine until she was ready to open up and tell him what was wrong.
"You have to take capital letters into account as well. And bold type. Otherwise it's pointless. If it's all italics, then he's lecturing."
"All taken into account-"
He made himself be careful not to jump on her and demand details immediately.
It was the quickest, most effective way of sending her back into her shell so she wouldn't tell him anything.
Holding back was something Mulder knew for certain he lacked talent at, and yet somehow he could do it now.
He could act like he didn't see the tear stains on her cheeks, the tremble in her voice.
He could see only what he knew she wanted him to see- perfectly together, perfectly in control, without doubts or fears or anything that hinted of anything other than cool professionalism.
He could do it.
He could do it because he knew that within an hour, or half an hour, or fifteen minutes, she'd stop, bite her lip in a gesture that told of her hesitancy to admit it, take a deep breath and then her walls of defence would fall.
He hated to see her hurt, hated even more to see her cry....but at the same time it still reassured him that she still allowed herself emotion in front of him.
That she allowed herself emotion at all.
It happened more quickly this time; she turned to face him, pale but resolute.
This time she held his eyes.
"I got another nosebleed."
"Oh-" He couldn't express himself properly with just words; it was impossible. He knew what this meant, she knew what this meant. Except he couldn't accept it. Facing the probability of her death was looking at the unendurable, the unbearable and intolerable.
"Scully, it doesn't mean-"
She gave a twisted smile, and looked away. "Mulder-"
"Scully, it might-"
"Mulder, don't do this. Please."
Her voice was softer, there was a pleading note that made the words he'd been about to say die in Mulder's throat.
His mouth was dry.
"Alright...but, Scully-"
"Please, Mulder. I know what you're going to say, but...but don't. Mulder, I have cancer. It's not getting better."
His throat ached. "Oh, Scully-"
"I know it's hard to accept. It's been hard for me too. But I've done it, Mulder. I've accepted it."
She paused and took a step towards him, her eyes bright with tears.
"Mulder, I'm really scared of what's coming. I need to be able to stay strong for my mom...and I can only do that if you're strong for me...."
"I'm sorry. I..."
She nodded quickly,fighting tears, and not looking at him "I know-"
When he hugged her, it was as if he was trying to protect her from everything just by holding her to him.
She didn't cry, but she seemed almost to draw some strength from him, because when he looked at her face again, she had her determined look in her eyes.
*
"Mulder, do you want to know something?"
"Always."
They were on the double bed together, pretending to watch the movie on t.v in between discussing unrelated things that took their minds off what they couldn't avoid coming back to.
His arm was around her waist, her head rested lightly against his shoulder.
"You know, I never used to get nosebleeds before this. Not even when I was a little kid."
"Never?"
"Uh-huh. Actually, it was a plus, since I freaked out at the sight of my own blood."
"Um. I'm not sure if you noticed...you're a doctor, Scully..."
She giggled and swatted him. "Shut up. I said my own, not other peoples-"
"Cos that's not slightly creepy-"
"Do you want me to email Froike to come pick me up? Cos I'll do it, Mulder, don't think I won't do it..."
"Ok, ok...please tell me more about your....thing..."
She smiled "It wasn't a thing. Maybe it was. I don't know. Anyway, when I was about sixteen, I got my nose pierced..."
"What?!?" Mulder yelped in surprise and stared at Scully with a mixture of disbelief and amusment. "Scully, I know its a widely known fact that I want to believe...but that's pushing the limits..." He examined her face closely. "Hey where is it now?"
She shrugged "I let it close up. It didn't fit my image when I started medical school..."
"Oh my god..." ,Mulder feel back against the pillows in mock horror. "The one wild thing she does in her life...and you let it close up? God, Scully-"
"Oh, you go get one done if you want one that bad..."
"Don't tempt me...how come you got it done in the first place?"
"Well..." She tilted her head, considering "I don't know, I'd just taken a bunch of exams. I'd been revising for weeks, and...i just wanted to reward myself...It wasn't just me..."She defended herself when he looked at her "I was with two of my friends- Daisy got a nose stud too, and Connie got her tongue pierced."
"Jeez. You guys were punks at heart....Did it hurt?"
"Not really. Not as much as I'd been expecting. Anyway, my mom was about ready to kill me when I got home. Dad was away, or he would have killed me. Mom went on and on about how I'd get blood poisoning and everything else, and how it would scar and I'd never be able to undo it....basically, it went on for about an hour or so. Anyway, we did the whole stereo type thing....You can't control me, it's my life..."
"Uh-huh...and you can't tell me what to do, you're ruining my life..." Mulder finished with a grin.
"Yeah, the works. Door slamming and everything...Anyway, when I saw the blood that night, I completely freaked out. I thought I was going to bleed to death, or something..."
"Wow..." Mulder paused "What did your mom say?"
"Oh, I didn't tell her. I am gifted with being able to panic fairly silently,Mulder. The thing is, at the time, I thought that night meant that I could cope by myself. That it had proved to me that I didn't need any one else..."
She bit her lip. "Mulder, I think I might have been wrong."
He traced a finger down her cheek. "Yeah. I think you might have been."
They sat in silence for a few moments.
"You know, I used to think i'd have it peirced again someday. To remind me that...maybe I couldn't always cope by myself."
She felt him nod silently agaist the top of her head.
Then "Scully?"
"Yeah?"
"You know I'll remind you."
"I know."
"You don't need a piercing to remind you."
"I know that too."
A pause. Mulder kissed the top of her head.
"Mulder?"
"Yeah?"
"You could always get your nose pierced...."
"I think i'm more of a tongue person, Scully..."
"You'd look good. Seriously." A muffled giggle.
"Don't tempt me, Scully, please. My inner punk may be difficult to rein in once he's released..."
"You can't hide it forever, Mulder..."
"I know...."
"Mulder?"
"Yeah?"
"Seriously, you should get your nose pierced..."