It had only been two months, but Imogen had never felt this way about anyone before. And now that her life was falling apart around her, her relationship with Fiona was the only thing that offered her any stability.
When she was with Fiona, she could block out the rest of the world for a while. She wasn't quite so alone. She didn't have to think about making hard life-changing decisions, not only for herself, but also for her father.
As she lay in her bed with Fiona by her side, her thoughts were chaotic. When Fiona kissed her shoulder, the only thing she could clearly think of was that she never wanted to leave this moment. The future was too uncertain.
Imogen was worn out, both emotionally and physically. She hadn't slept much the night before – Volta's death and her discussion with her mother were too fresh in her mind. Then today, on top of Eli's frantic urging to get the sets finished, she had to hear the news of her father's terminal diagnosis from her mother. The last straw in sending Imogen over the proverbial edge was getting the phone call from her dad during which he had forgotten that Volta was dead. She skipped the rest of her classes and went home to find her dad. She needed to talk to him. Why hadn't he told her what was going on?
She found her dad in the basement, not on the porch where he had said he would be. The worst part was that he couldn't seem remember why he had gone down there in the first place. She led him back up to his study and settled him at his desk to grade his papers, despite his insistence that he was fine on his own.
She waited until she closed her bedroom door behind her to break down. She couldn't let her dad see her like this. One of them needed to keep it together, and she didn't really have a choice about which of them it was.
She let herself cry for exactly 5 minutes before she picked herself up off her bed, dried her tears, washed her face, and went downstairs to make them dinner.
The doorbell rang a few hours later while Imogen was in her room scouring the internet for anything and everything she could find about dementia. She heard her dad get up from the living room, where he had been watching television, so she crept to the top of the stairs to monitor the interaction.
Now that she had stopped completely denying that anything was wrong, she had decided she would take care of her father. The two of them had never needed anyone else before, and this was something she was sure she could get them through. She had to.
"Hello, Professor Moreno. Is Imogen in?" It was Fiona, and she looked worried. Imogen hadn't seen her girlfriend at school that day, but she had sent Fiona a quick text letting her know she was going home and promising to call her that evening.
Imogen winced as she remembered. She knew that if she checked her phone, she would find multiple messages from Fiona, wondering if she was alright.
"Um, yes, she is," replied her dad, although he seemed a little bit uncertain. "I'm sorry, I don't think we've met? I'm Louis, Imogen's father."
"It's nice to meet you, sir," Fiona smiled and shook his hand as if they had never met before, but Imogen could see the concern growing in her eyes. "I'm Fiona Coyne. Imogen's friend."
Imogen's heart broke as she watched the exchange. Not only had her father met and spent the evening with Fiona the day before, but Imogen hadn't stopped talking about Fiona since the school year started and especially over the last few months. But right now her dad didn't even have a clue who Fiona was – either as her friend or her girlfriend. The two most important people in her life and one of them couldn't even remember the other one existed.
"Oh right," her dad smiled, but she could see now that he was mostly pretending to remember. She could tell he was embarrassed and her heart ached for him. "Of course. Fiona. Sorry, it's dark out and my mind was elsewhere."
"It's okay, Professor Moreno," Fiona assured him. "Um, is Imogen in her room, or…?"
"I'm here," Imogen piped up, coming down the stairs to save her dad from further discomfort. "Dad, are you going to let Fiona in?"
"Oh, yes. Of course," her father mumbled as her opened the door and Fiona stepped inside. "I'll, uh, leave you two."
Imogen watched as her father turned back to the living room before she turned to Fiona. "I'm sorry, I forgot to call–"
"It's okay, Im," Fiona interrupted. "I don't care about that. I just stopped by to check if you were okay. I hope that's alright?"
"Yeah," Imogen tried to smile as she stepped toward Fiona. Her girlfriend opened her arms and Imogen walked into them, already feeling calmer than she had all day. "It's just been a really rough day. Will you stay with me for a bit?"
"Of course," Fiona didn't even hesitate. "Whatever you need."
Imogen took a deep breath and stepped out of Fiona's embrace, grabbing Fiona's hand and pulling her towards the living room. "Come watch TV with my dad?"
"Lead the way."
They sat next to each other on the couch, Imogen leaning into Fiona's side, while her dad sat in his favourite chair. They were watching Planet Earth and, although this particular episode was about the ocean and not monkeys, Imogen felt better when her father told Fiona an embarrassing story about a four-year-old Imogen visiting the Vancouver Aquarium for the first time.
"The orcas were so much smaller in the books!" Imogen whined, trying to justify the complete and utter terror that had taken hold of her small heart 13 years ago when the whale swam past her and she had screamed at the top of her lungs.
"It took Imogen years to even think about whales again," her dad laughed. "I tried to get her to watch Free Willy and she literally ran out of the room and hid under her bed."
Imogen pouted, pretending to be upset, but she loved that Fiona and her father were laughing together. Even if it was at her expense.
After the incident at the door, her dad seemed back to his normal self. They talked and joked and Fiona teased them about singing along to the commercial jingles, but couldn't help but join in. Her father even seemed to genuinely remember who Fiona was and everything that Imogen had told him about her. In fact, when he left to use the bathroom, he commented, "I will be gone for about 2 minutes. Just be done all your teenage hormone-ing by the time I get back, okay?"
The half-teasing remark caused Imogen to blush and Fiona's eyes to widen comically and they didn't touch each other the whole time he was gone. Which ended up being quite a long time.
"I'm just going to go check on him," Imogen explained. "I'll be right back."
She found her dad in his study.
"Dad?" she asked, cautiously. "What are you doing?"
"Grading papers, like I said I would be."
Imogen's heart broke for the billionth time that day. The last hour had been going so well. She had even started thinking that maybe her father's dementia wasn't as progressed as Natalie had said it was.
"What's wrong, princess?" Her dad looked at her with a world of worry on his face.
"Nothing, dad," Imogen lied, putting on a brave face. "Don't you think it's time for bed?"
She hovered around as her father got ready for bed – something she had never done before. It felt weird and wrong and like she shouldn't have to be doing this. But she didn't know if she could trust him to do things on his own. She didn't want him to get hurt.
When he kissed her goodnight and shut the door, she waited for five minutes outside his bedroom to make sure he stayed there. The last thing she needed was her father walking around the neighbourhood in the middle of the night in his pyjamas. Again.
She double-checked all the locks on the doors on her way back to Fiona.
By the time she made it back to the living room, she had been gone a long time and Fiona had changed the channel to something that Imogen vaguely identified as a fashion reality show. The second Imogen walked in, Fiona turned it off. "Everything okay?"
"No," Imogen admitted bluntly. "It's not even a little bit okay. Stay with me?"
Fiona nodded. "Of course."
"Come on," Imogen reached for Fiona's hand and pulled her up off the couch. "I'll get you some pyjamas."
Fiona silently followed Imogen up to her bedroom.
A few minutes later, in the comfort of the darkness and the safety of her twin bed, Imogen told Fiona everything.
Fiona held her while she talked about the dementia diagnosis and how much it hurt that her father hadn't told her about it himself. Fiona stroked her hair as she talked about Natalie and how she had no right to come back into their lives and make decisions for them – as if she knew them or what was best for their family. Fiona wiped away Imogen's tears when she explained how worried she was and how she didn't know what to do or how to act around her father anymore. And Fiona rubbed Imogen's back as she lay there motionless with no more tears left to cry.
Fiona didn't judge, offer advice, or tell her it was going to be okay. Fiona just held Imogen, letting her know that what Imogen had told Natalie the night before was true – she wasn't going anywhere.
Imogen knew the other stuff would come soon enough – when they would have to actually talk about what Imogen was going to do. She knew that when that time came, she might not like whatever Fiona had to say.
But for now, just being with Fiona was exactly what Imogen needed.
It had been a long time since either of them had spoken. Imogen was watching the moonlight stream through her window onto the empty dog bed on the ground. Her mind was racing; her thoughts were a mess and she couldn't seem to straighten them out, no matter how hard she tried.
The more she thought about everything, the more panicked she became. Imogen wasn't ready for any of this, and to make matters worse, everything that was happening to her was out of her control. She had absolutely no say in any of it. It wasn't fair.
She twisted around until she was facing her girlfriend and she was surprised to find that Fiona was still awake. Imogen wondered briefly whether Fiona was waiting for her to fall asleep, but she didn't dwell on the thought.
"Hey," Fiona said, reaching over to brush a strand of Imogen's hair out of her eyes. Imogen could see the genuine caring and concern in Fiona's face and it made her feel better. "You okay?"
Imogen ignored her question and leaned over to kiss her instead. She kissed Fiona with desperation, needing to forget everything that was going on in her life, needing to control some aspectof her what was happening to her.
At first, Fiona didn't respond, but after a moment, Imogen felt her kiss back.
Imogen moved her hand up to Fiona's face, deepening their kiss and pulling them closer together. Imogen's hands tangled through Fiona's hair, and when she tugged on it roughly, Fiona gasped in surprise. Imogen took advantage of the distraction to straddle her girlfriend and push her down into the mattress.
Imogen bit Fiona's lip as she pulled back and then she kissed her way along Fiona's jaw to her neck. Fiona made a small whimpering noise in the back of her throat when Imogen's teeth scraped against her neck, and Imogen immediately repeated the action. As she did, she realized it would leave a mark, but she didn't care. In fact, she hoped it did. She bit down a little harder the next time. Fiona moaned.
Imogen's hands moved out of Fiona's hair, across her shoulders and down her sides, grazing Fiona's breasts as they travelled down her girlfriend's body. She brought her hands back up over Fiona's stomach and ribcage, and she heard Fiona's breathing become more erratic as her hands continued their journey upwards until she was covering Fiona's breasts.
"Imogen," Fiona half protested, half moaned. Imogen ignored the slight objection in her girlfriend's voice and began moving her hands, teasing and exploring, feeling Fiona react to her touch even through the material of her top.
Fiona's hips canted up and Imogen pressed her own down to meet them, biting down on Fiona's neck as she did. It felt good. And she liked making Fiona feel like good. She liked finally regaining a feeling of control.
"Imogen," Fiona's breathing was still heavy, but the protesting quality in her voice was clearer and more insistent this time.
Fiona pushed Imogen up and opened her mouth to speak, but before Fiona could say or do anything else, Imogen reached down and tugged off her pyjama shirt. She was now topless and straddling Fiona. She saw Fiona swallow hard and fight to keep her eyes from wandering down past Imogen's neck. This was new territory for them.
Imogen leaned back down to kiss Fiona, pushing her hands up underneath Fiona's top and tugging it over Fiona's head, needing to get as close to Fiona as she possibly could. She leaned down and kissed Fiona again and the skin-on-skin contact felt so right. This was what she needed. More of this.
Imogen supported herself on one elbow and moved to cover Fiona's left hand with her own. She pulled their joined hands down across her stomach and into her pyjama bottoms.
"Imogen," Fiona said softly, resisting the guidance of Imogen's hand. "I don't think –"
Imogen interrupted Fiona with a desperate kiss and brought her right hand up to Fiona's face to hold it at the same time as her left hand insistently tugged Fiona's hand lower past the waistband of her underwear. "I want you, Fiona."
"You have me." Fiona insisted, pulling her hand out from between them before leaning up to kiss Imogen gently. "But I don't think this is a good idea, Immy. Not right now. Not like this."
Imogen felt tears spring to her eyes. She hadn't even thought that she had any tears left. She was so embarrassed. She pulled away and curled into a ball on the other side of the bed, pulling the blanket up to cover herself.
"Imogen…"
She felt Fiona's hand on her back and she pulled away. Imogen's breath caught mid-sob. "Am I not good enough? You don't want me? Because I love you, Fiona. And you're the only person in my life I can count on right now."
Fiona gently rolled Imogen over so she was facing her again. "I love you, too, Im. So much."
It was the first time they had said that to one another and it wasn't how either of them had pictured it. But it happened nonetheless.
"Imogen, I love your honesty, and your kindness, and your love for others." Fiona punctuated each thought with a kiss on Imogen's face. "I love your creativity, and your quirkiness, and your passion for the things and people you love. I love your laugh. I love your eyes, and I love your heart. I love your loyalty. I love how you call me out on my crap. I love your ticklishness. I love that little scar on your forehead, which you keep promising to tell me the story about and never do. But I love you, anyway. And I promise you, Immy, I am right here for you. Always."
Imogen took a shuddering breath, but she had stopped crying somewhere around "quirkiness."
"And I do, you know, want you. A lot, actually," Fiona continued, sounding a little guilty as she looked into Imogen's eyes. "But this isn't how I want it to happen with you. Is it really how you want it to happen?"
"No," Imogen admitted, feeling even more embarrassed but also oddly relieved. "I'm just scared and you make me feel safe. And I just wanted to be close to you."
"I'm right here, Immy. And I'm not going anywhere. I promise." Fiona leaned over to kiss Imogen softly.
"Thank you, Fiones," Imogen sighed, sitting up to put her shirt back on. She tossed Fiona's top at her and her girlfriend tugged it on. Fiona lay back down and Imogen settled in beside her. "I don't know if I could do this without you."
"Think you can sleep?" Fiona asked as she played with Imogen's hair.
Imogen shrugged, but closed her eyes when she felt Fiona's arms wrap around her. She focused on Fiona's thumb moving over her forearm and allowed it to lull her to sleep.
The next thing she knew, Fiona was waking her up.
There was a minute when Imogen first woke up when nothing hurt. In that moment between opening her eyes and fully waking up, everything that had happened over the last few days was forgotten. But the instant she remembered everything going on with her dad, it hit her so hard that it was physically painful.
"Hey," Fiona smiled down at her apologetically. "Sorry to wake you. I just wanted to tell you that I'm just going to go back to my place to change before school. I didn't want you to wake up alone and think I bailed on you."
Imogen just nodded and leaned up to kiss her girlfriend, although her chest felt like it was about to explode because everything hurt so badly.
"I'll see you at school?" Fiona asked from the doorway.
Imogen just gave her a slight smile as she watched Fiona blow her a kiss and close the door behind her.
She knew she wouldn't see Fiona at school and she felt bad not telling her, but she had already made up her mind and she knew that Fiona would just try to talk her out of it. She knew that her decision to study from home and take care of her dad would upset her girlfriend. She just hoped that later she could explain it well enough to appease her. She didn't want to lose Fiona. But as much as she loved Fiona, if she had to choose, she would choose helping her father. She was all he had.
The sunlight shone through the prisms on the window and Imogen lay in her bed, staring at the rainbows. As she studied the light dancing on the ceiling, she heard her father's bedroom door open. When she heard him open the linen closet door instead of going straight down the hall to the washroom, she knew she had made the right decision. Her dad needed her.
She grabbed her laptop, ten different dementia websites still open in her browser, and went down to the kitchen to make breakfast for her dad.