Dirty Little Secret

Who has to know
The way she feels inside
Those thoughts I can't deny
These sleeping thoughts won't lie
And all I've tried to hide
It's eating me apart

…

There are things about Kurt that I've never been able to explain.

How does he know just what it takes to make me smile? Why does my heart do that weird flippity-flop that it does every time he looks at me? How come when Rachel does some things, it's annoying, and when Kurt does the exact same thing, it's irresistible?

Why am I in love with Kurt when I don't even like guys?

Regardless of the unanswered questions, I couldn't deny that Kurt was always the right person for me. I knew that when we first became friends, and it took forever for me to admit it to myself…but there it was. That kid who stared at me and used to creep me out in the hallway turned into this amazing friend that I could tell anything to without worrying that the entire school would be talking about it the next day. I couldn't stop hanging out with him. I began making excuses to Rachel for why I couldn't go to this movie or see that play…because I'd rather sit around the house with Kurt, bickering about whether Batman was better than Breakfast at Tiffany's (which, it totally is) or laying on my bed, waiting for him to come in with two glasses of warm milk, asking question after question about my day and how I was doing.

The day that everything changed is still clear in my mind, as though it happened yesterday.

Rachel and I were walking down the hallway, arm in arm, as always, and she was chattering to me about one Broadway show or another…she droned on, and I instinctively tuned her out and let my mind wander on to other things—football, lunch, Kurt…and just like that, Kurt was there.

He was standing at his locker, and he waved. I felt butterflies in my stomach and blushed, waving back and grinning like a moron. We passed him, and I started to think about what me and Kurt might do that night and whether or not Rachel would believe that my mom wanted me to stay home and help her cook again for the third night in a row.

Suddenly, I felt someone shaking me.

"Finn? Hello? Are you even listening to me?" Rachel's tiny hand was on my shoulder, shaking me in a way that I'm sure she thought was violent, when it reality she just barely moved me.

"Yeah, totally. Barbra." It was a complete guess, but I supposed it was a good one, since she smiled at me in response. At first, I was relieved that she wasn't going to yell at me, but then it dawned on me…I didn't even enjoy being around Rachel. When I couldn't get out of our dates, it was just like this—her talking and expecting me to really care about what she was saying, but if I brought up football or the team or anything other than Glee club, she told me I was being boring. My mind wandered back to Kurt, and how he always listened intently to my recaps of football practice, or even my rants about Rachel, and never did anything but encourage me. Something was welling up inside of me at that very moment, and I couldn't stop it.

"I want to break up."

Rachel stopped dead in her tracks. I kept walking, not knowing what else to do. "What?" she shrieked. I could hear her feet slapping against the floor, running after me. "Finn, what did you just say?"

I stopped and stared at the floor, wishing I had actually thought of a good way to do this. "I don't want to be with you anymore, Rachel. I care about you, but I can't be your boyfriend."

She looked like I'd slapped her. "I don't even know what you want anymore, Finn! I try so hard to be a good girlfriend to you, and you don't appreciate it at all!" Her eyes were filling with tears, and I felt bad, but couldn't manage to feel sorry. "What is it that you want?"

This was probably the last thing I wanted to talk about with her. "I want someone who is…passionate about what they love, but doesn't care about it more than the people they love. Someone who will listen to me and talk about things I want to talk about sometimes, even if they aren't that interested. Someone who will encourage me and believe in me more than I believe in myself. Someone who loves me and wouldn't ask me to change. Someone who will expect me to love them as much as they love me, not more."

Rachel narrowed her eyes at me. "You're cheating on me."

"No, Rachel. I just know what I want. And you don't give me any of those things." I realized I sounded a bit cruel. "And you deserve someone who can give you exactly what you need. I'm not that guy."

She was laughing now. "Well, good luck finding someone who can be all of that. She doesn't exist." She did her signature storm-off, but not before turning and adding, "You will regret this when I am famous, Finn Hudson. You will wish you had never let me go."

All I could think as I watched her leave wasthat Rachel was right—she didn't exist.

…

"So, you dumped Rachel."

Kurt was never the type to beat around the bush, I guess. He came into my room without knocking—as usual—and sat at the foot of my bed with a glass of water for himself and warm milk for me. "Yes, I did."

"What happened? I know you were kind of having issues with her, but I didn't realize they were serious enough for you to dump her!" He sipped is water and looked at me, obviously expecting an explanation.

I didn't know how to tell him how I felt. "Well…she asked me what I was looking for in a relationship, and once I had listed everything, it was obvious that she didn't fit the job description."

I should have known better than to think he would have dropped it there. "Shit!" Kurt exclaimed, stretching his legs out, his bare feet landing in my lap. "So, what was on this list?"

"Um." It was now or never, I decided. "Basically, I said that I needed someone…" I needed to just say it. I knew I had to. "I needed someone who supported me and loved me like you do."

Kurt's eyes got wide for a second, and before I knew it, he was kissing me.

That was 3 months ago.

Kurt told me he always knew I loved him; he was just waiting for me to realize it. Luckily for me, nobody else we knew was that perceptive. After Kurt broke up with Blaine, he started sleeping in my room more than he slept in his own. Our parents were just excited that we were "getting along so well." That always made me laugh. We sure were getting along well. We would sit in my room for hours, talking, making out, doing…you know, other things. Getting along well didn't even scratch the surface. Everything was perfect. I could go to school and be the big man on campus, the guy all the girls wanted, and then go home and be with someone I really loved who cared about me. I mean, what more could a guy ask for?

A lot, as it turns out.

One day, I was making out with Kurt as usual. I loved the feeling of his lips against my skin and his body pressed up against mine. Right in the middle of things getting kind of hot-and-heavy, though, he pulled away.

"Finn, when are you going to come out?"

This came as a shock to me. "Come out? As what? I'm not gay."

Kurt sighed and leaned back against me. "Yes, I know, you're not gay, you just give and receive blowjobs on a regular basis. But when are we going to go public with our relationship?"

"Kuuuurt…" Surely he knew what he was asking of me. My reputation at McKinley High my senior year would shatter. "I didn't think you cared whether people knew about us or not."

"I didn't think I did, either…but I want to be able to talk about you like I talked about Blaine. I want to call you my boyfriend. I want to point down the hallway and be able to tell people, 'See him? He's mine.' Don't you want that, too?" Kurt laid his head against my chest and wrapped an arm around me. "That's all I want."

"Of course I want that too…" I sighed, knowing that he wasn't going to like what I was about to say. "…but I can't. I can't give up the name I've made for myself at McKinley, Kurt. I've worked hard to be the most popular guy at school. You have to understand that."

Kurt stiffened immediately and scooted away from me. "I understand, all right."

"Don't be that way, K—"

"Stop." Kurt stood. "I don't want to force you out of the closet, Finn. That's not right and I won't do it. But we've been together for almost a month now. I want to tell our parents. I want to be able to tell Mercedes about the cute thing you said to me last week, or how sweet you were on our last date. I want to be able to hang out in public with you. I want to be out and proud, and I can't if I'm dating someone who is in the closet."

"What are you saying?" I was so nervous that he was saying what I thought he was saying.

"I love you, Finn. I love you so much." Kurt sighed, his eyes filling with tears, and the sight broke my heart completely. "But I can't be your secret boyfriend. I won't."

He left my room in silence, leaving me to my thoughts. It was ridiculous of him to expect anything like that of me, right? It would mean losing everything. Probably most of my friends, definitely all my popularity, my entire life would turn upside down.

Why couldn't he just understand that coming out meant that nobody would ever look at me the same? That I would probably get bullied worse than I ever had before?

Then, it dawned on me. Oh. Of course he knows that. He's been through all of that and worse.

Suddenly, I knew what had to happen, and I was terrified.

…

"Holy shit, have you seen Finn?"

"I knew it all along."

"I think it's disgusting."

"I think it's adorable!"

Kurt walked through the double-doors to a school full of excited chattering and a LOT of interesting glances in his direction. Not that he wasn't used to it, but he was curious as to what caused the stir this time—did his weekend foray dressed as a catholic schoolgirl end up on Facebook? Did Puck start yet another rumor of him starring in a gay porno? It could be anything, and frankly, he couldn't care less.

That is, until he saw it.

Finn Hudson, standing in the middle of the hallway, wearing a homemade shirt. The shirt was plain white, written on with bright pink marker.

"I love my boyfriend, Kurt Hummel."

Kurt rushed up to him immediately. "Finn, what the hell are you doing? You're gonna get killed!"

"You don't like my shirt?" Finn pouted.

Sighing, Kurt replied, "I love your shirt. But why are you doing this?"

"Because you're not something that should be kept a secret."

And right there, in the middle of the hallway, in front of hundreds of teenagers, Kurt grabbed Finn by the back of the neck and kissed him.