InuYasha Episodes 5-7 In a Can
Disclaimer: I don't own InuYasha. I'm just some crazy fanfic writer. If you sue me, you wouldn't get anything anyways.
The Feudal Era of Japan (Mythical Version)
Some creepy place at night
OMINOUS MOON: is foggy
SESSHOUMARU: is staring at moon
OMINOUS MUSIC: is creepy
OMINOUS GRAVESITE IN THE DISTANCE: is ominous
JAKEN: M'lord, this ominous grave site is the right grave site out of all the other ominous grave sites we've seen!
SESSHOUMARU: And you're certain?
JAKEN: Mmm-hmm. I swear this one is right.
SESSHOUMARU: Mmmkay. But you know I'll step on you if you're wrong again.
WOLVES: appear out of nowhere
SESSHOUMARU: I want the fang! LYKE NOW. does shiny twirly ballet thing-o
WOLVES: drop dead
JAKEN: pokes ground with creepy staff a creepy head like an old lady's shrieks
JAKEN: Oooops. Wrong grave site.
SESSHOUMARU: ... SQUISH. steps on Jaken
MYOUGA THE FLEA: Since I'm such a crappy grave guardian who's afraid of everything, I'm going to run away from this dude and tell InuYasha about him! Because I don't recognize him even though I was his father's retainer!
Some other place by a river
CAPTAIN: Let's all eat this boar, and be happy that we're all GOING TO DIE IN BATTLE.
SAMURAI: Hurray!
SESSHOUMARU: Give me a boat, plzkthanx.
CAPTAIN: Sorry, we need all of our boats for our suicide mission.
SESSHOUMARU: twists captain's neck eyes glow red
CAPTAIN: is dead
SAMURAI: RAAA!!!
SESSHOUMARU: Jaken.
JAKEN: burns everyone with the Creepy Staff
On a boat in the river
JAKEN: Lord Sesshoumaru?
SESSHOUMARU: Mmmm?
JAKEN: Can we ask InuYasha where the tomb is?
SESSHOUMARU: tosses Jaken in the river pushes Jaken under the water with the Creepy Two-Headed Staff
SESSHOUMARU: He's sealed to a tree.
JAKEN: Okay. Hey, can you take away the staff? 'cause I can't breathe...
STAFF: is removed
JAKEN: Ung-glug.
Kaede's village
KAGOME: climbs out of well with a big pink bike Okay, why am I stuck in some feudal version of Japan, and how the hell did I get reincarnated as some creep-o shrine maiden?
MYOUGA: hears the bike
KAGOME: runs over Myouga
MYOUGA: Why do I have to be a flea?
INUYASHA: is sitting in a tree
KAGOME: Get down here for some first aid treatment.
INUYASHA: No.
KAGOME: OSUWARI. (Author's note: "sit" in Japanese. Couldn't resist, it sounds funnier.)
INUYASHA: crashes to ground along with branch looks remarkably like a dog WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
VILLAGE CHILDREN: Look, Kaede! Kagome's trying to make InuYasha take his shirt off!
KAEDE: AVERT YE EYES! sneaks up behind Kagome and InuYasha
KAGOME: clutching InuYasha's shirt I SAID TAKE IT OFF!!!!
INUYASHA: NO!
KAEDE: THIS IS A PG-RATED SHOW.
KAGOME: Eeh...?
INUYASHA: IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!!
MYOUGA: sucks InuYasha'a blood
INUYASHA: SQUISH. squishes Myouga Yo, stop sucking my blood.
KAGOME: What is that?
INUYASHA: A flea. My father's old retainer.
KAGOME: A FLEA? sprays Myouga with bug spray
MYOUGA: keels over
INUYASHA: What's that?
Kaede's hut
INUYASHA: So, you saw someone looking for my dad's tomb.
MYOUGA: Yup.
INUYASHA: And ran here.
MYOUGA: Yup.
INUYASHA: Remind me again why the hell dad choose you as his retainer.
MYOUGA: His blood tasted good. And he was really strong.
KAGOME: What about his mother?
MYOUGA: Oh, she-
INUYASHA: SQUISH. steps on Myouga
KAGOME: HEY!
INUYASHA: storms out of hut angrily
Kaede's village, nighttime
KAGOME: Wow, wonder what I did back there?
INUYASHA: is sitting in his tree, which has remarkably grown the broken branch back in the space of about three hours to look exactly like it did before
EERIE WIND: blows around eerily
INUYASHA: GET DOWN! jumps out of tree and forces Kagome to the ground
KAGOME: WATCH WHERE YOU'RE JUMPING.
INUYASHA: It's a flying carriage!
KAGOME: AND THERE'S A CREEPY LADY RIDING IN IT. OOOOHHHHH.
INUYASHA: No, it's just my mother.
KAGOME: You've lost your marbles. Isn't your mother dead?
INUYASHA: MOTHER!!!
KAGOME: D-E-A-D.
INUYASHA'S SUPPOSED MOTHER: INUYASHA!!!
INUYASHA: MOTHER!!!
MOTHER: INUYASHA!!!
KAGOME: Okay, this is kinda pointless.
GIANT HAND: squishes carriage
KAGOME: Hey, this is kinda getting interesting. I'd get popcorn if they had any in this era.
JAKEN: acts like a pyro BURN BABY BUUURRRN!!!
INUYASHA: ... YOU MISSED, DUMBASS.
SESSHOUMARU: Once we're done, kill him please.
JAKEN: It will be done, my lord.
INUYASHA: Who's tha-SESSHOUMARU!!!
SESSHOUMARU: Hello, little brother.
INUYASHA: Except there's the fact that I'm only your half brother.
SESSHOUMARU: ... Okay.
KAGOME: Mmm...that guy's kinda cute...entertains R-rated thoughts while Sesshoumaru argues with InuYasha
SESSHOUMARU: Where's our father's tomb?
INUYASHA: How the hell should I know? He died like the night I was born.
SESSHOUMARU: Okay. How about we let your mother suffer? green light whip thing-o
INUYASHA: SHE'S DEAD, IDIOT.
SESSHOUMARU: MY SWORD CAN RESURRECT PEOPLE.
KAGOME: OH SNAP.
MOTHER: I HAVE COME BACK INUYASHAAAAAAA!!!!!
INUYASHA: is nearly killed
MOTHER: conjures up some ball of light
EVERYTHING: flashes white
JAKEN: I RULE.
SESSHOUMARU: This scheme of yours sucks. I'll kill you if it fails.
JAKEN: Meeep.
The "border of the spirit world"
INUYASHA: Where the hell am I?
MOTHER: At the border of the spirit world. I'm going to be going soon.
INUYASHA: Oh right. I keep forgetting you're dead.
MOTHER: ...insensitive prick.
KAGOME: Oh, InuYasha and his mom are all right...hmmm...looks into water Hey, she's got no face when I see her in the water-INUYASHA!!! no noise Ahhh, I can't speak! can't move either
Kaede's village, night
There's a bunch of people looking for Kagome. They find her bike. This scene is pointless and I don't know why it's there.
Higurashi shrine, modern-day Tokyo, night
KAGOME'S MOTHER: is raising a bike seat
SOUTA: has been woken up
KAGOME'S MOTHER: Ooops, sorry.
The "border of the spirit world"
INU-MAMA: throws petals into water
INUYASHA: watches a smaller version of himself run after a ball
INU-MAMA: hugs InuYasha while she's hugging him, her hands go into his back. THIS SHOULD POINT OUT SOMETHING OBVIOUS
KAGOME: still can't move
SPIRIT WORLD: disappears for Kagome, but InuYasha's still stuck in dreamland
KAGOME: has been chained up
MYOUGA: BLOOD. sucks Kagome's blood
KAGOME: SQUISH. squishes Myouga
INU-MAMA: is sucking InuYasha into her, as gross as this sounds
JAKEN: NO SOUL-SUCKING!
INU-MAMA: glares Awight. talks to InuYasha Where is your father's tomb?
INUYASHA: I DON'T KNOW. WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP ASKING ME THAT?
INU-MAMA: Black Pearl!
JAKEN: HUH?
INUYASHA: apparently realizes that this person is not his mother
KAGOME: SQUISH. steps on Jaken and takes the staff
MYOUGA: See that reflection of a little boy?
KAGOME: Yeah.
MYOUGA: Splash the water there.
KAGOME: does as she is told
INUYASHA: falls over, and realizes he is back in feudal Japan (mythical version), at night time HEY!!! YOU'RE NOT MY MAMA!!!
SESSHOUMARU: MOOHAHAHA. I know where it is! pulls black pearl out of InuYasha's eye Now that I have this, you can die. light whip thing-o
FAKE INU-MAMA (REALLY THE UN-MOTHER): saves InuYasha
JAKEN: gets staff back
SESSHOUMARU: pokes pearl with staff
PORTAL: appears
SESSHOUMARU: steps through portal
INUYASHA, KAGOME, AND MYOUGA: follow
INUYASHA: You know, Sesshoumaru might kill you, right?
MYOUGA: AHHH!
KAGOME: And your point is...?
InuYasha and Sesshoumaru's father's grave
SESSHOUMARU: Ahhh, Tessaiga. The sword that my father, in his idiocy, FORGOT to give me before he died.
JAKEN: What are you waiting for? Pick it up!
SESSHOUMARU: tries to pull out sword in King Arthur-esque moment is electrocuted
INUYASHA: MOOHAHAHA. tries to punch Sesshoumaru
SESSHOUMARU: You suck.
INUYASHA & SESSHOUMARU: continue to fight. Sesshoumaru is, of course, amazing, while all InuYasha can do is punch the wall
MYOUGA: Get the sword!
INUYASHA: looks at Tessaiga Can thing thing even cut really thin hair?
KAGOME: Just pull it out, okay?
INUYASHA: Alright, if Myouga's so sure it's supposed to go to me. more King Arthur-esque moments as InuYasha, although not electrocuted, cannot pull the sword out
ONLOOKERS: Eh?
INUYASHA: Yo. picks up Myouga SQUISH. squishes Myouga
SESSHOUMARU: OY. tries to kill InuYasha, who runs and barely escapes-again
KAGOME: decides to pick a fight with Jaken seizes staff as he swings it around
JAKEN: SO NOT FAIR. You're like four feet taller then me!
KAGOME: AND I'M A HUMAN!
JAKEN: HUMANS SUCK!
KAGOME: Excuse me, but who's winning right now?
JAKEN: gets the upper hand for the only time in the series throws Kagome into the Pedestal of Annoyance I WIN.
KAGOME: Oh no you don't-tries to stand up, and in doing so, she grabs Tessaiga's hilt while walking forward, she is still holding the sword. It moves a little-and-
TESSAIGA: comes out of pedestal
ONLOOKERS: speechless
KAGOME: Uhhh...oops?
SESSHOUMARU: O. M. G. promptly goes to kill Kagome
KAGOME: Excuse me, may I help you?
SESSHOUMARU: Yes, I'd like to know...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?
KAGOME: ...
INUYASHA: ...
MYOUGA: ...
JAKEN: Why don't you just kill her while you have the chance?
SESSHOUMARU: Oh, yeah. apparently 'kills' Kagome
INUYASHA: RAAA!!! I SHALL KILL YOU JAKEN FOR MAKING SESSHOUMARU KILL KAGOME WHO NEARLY KILLED MYOUGA WHO... promptly starts to fight Sesshoumaru again
KAGOME: rises out of poisonous muck in a creepy moment
SESSHOUMARU: THIS CALLS FOR SOME SERIOUS ACTION. transforms into huge fluffy dog
EVERYONE: RUN AWAY!!! everyone moves to the roof
KAGOME: has weird moment
INUYASHA: Stay there and let me protect you, alright? 'cause I'm supposed to be the hero.
TESSAIGA: grows very large and sharp and doesn't look at all like the poor pitiful thing we saw earlier
INUYASHA: WHHEEEE!!! cuts off Sesshoumaru's left arm
SESSHOUMARU: WHAAA MOMMY. disappears in a flash of light
MYOUGA: had run away earlier, but now comes back under excuse of 'getting a ride home'
INUYASHA: Really?
MYOUGA: Ahhh...
INUYASHA: SQUISH. squishes Myouga
Kaede's village, morning
INUYASHA: Well that's that.
KAGOME: Mmmm.
Kaede's hut
KAEDE: Ye have too many hidden powers, Kagome.
MYOUGA: Well, it worked out.
KAGOME: Man, why does having to protect me make the sword grow pointy and big?
Kaede's village
KAGOME: I know how Tessaiga works.
INUYASHA: was sitting in his tree, looking woefully at Tessaiga, which is now a piece of junk again And what's that?
KAGOME: Will you promise to protect me with it forever?
INUYASHA: No way!
KAGOME: pushes InuYasha onto bridge OSUWARI.
INUYASHA: crashes through bridge, landing in the water splutters HEY!
Fin.