Description: When Rooster Cogburn from True Grit lands in Harry Potter, craziness ensues.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. They are the property of Charles Portis and J.K. Rowling.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ROOSTER'S STONE

TEN YEARS AFTER I SINGLEHANDEDLY RESCUED MATTIE'S ASS IN TRUE GRIT,

Sipping my coffee one day on my dusty little porch. I haven't sat there in a long damn time. I am exhausted after sweeping up my house. I'm about to take a sip.

But I hear this loud bang out in the back. I race out into the back with my Winchester. I see this large, mangy old boot. Had a blue sparkly halo 'round it. What in the damn hell is it?

I did what any gun-toting law-abiding sheriff would do. I shot at it. "BANG!"

But my bullets sank in there and were gone. No damage to the boot at all.

"What in the hell could this be…?"

I reach slowly with my left, Winchester hanging in my right. I touch the heel.

Next thing I know, I fly head first down a damned blue tunnel!

After what seems like a mighty eternity, I fly out into the dirt.. Out of the corner of my eyes I see this huge giant, had a beard longer than my Winchester. He had wet, matted hair, mighty huge belly. He probably could lift me up on his head.

"Oi, what happened to yeh, mate?" he yelled. Ran around me and brought me to my feet.

"…Who in the blazes are you? Where the hell am I?"

"Welcome to Diagon Alley, mate! Rubeus Hagrid 's my name, good sir! Gamekeeper of Hogwarts School!" the giant boomed.

"The name's Cogburn. Rooster Cogburn." We shook hands.

"Well, a little firewhiskey migh' cheer yeh up and make yeh rem'ber then why yeh're here, Cogburn! Come on!" Hagrid cajoled. I pick up the rifle and boot and follow him down the path.

My eyes saw the strangest things. There were real peculiar looking owls be flying around, people stupidly waving these thin looking branch sticks, colours of light shooting wild from their ends. A sign above it said "Wands for Sale: All Shapes and Sizes!" Damndest sight I'd ever saw.

Hagrid leads me to this dingy little pub, called The Leaky Cauldron.

"Oi, Tom! Two firewhiskeys please!"

We sit. I gaze around, wondering what world I had just landed into. So I showed Hagrid the boot. I ask,

"So, Hagrid, how in the mighty blazes did I end up here? I simply rubbed this damned old boot and I ended up in this place! What is this strange piece of footwear?"

"Aye, Cogburn, tha' be a Portkey in yer hand there. They take yeh anywhere. Here in this world, the wizarding world, or back in yers."

"This world? So how do I return back to my world then?" I asked.

Hagrid said, "Gimme the boot, I'll see what I can do. But while yeh're here, why not take a tour? Come to Hogwarts wit' me tonight!"

Tom arrived. "Two firewhiskeys, sirs."

"Thanks," we grunted in unison. "I'll think about that offer." I replied, not even having the faintest idea of where the hell 'Hogwarts' was. "But how'd this Portkey, or whatever in the hell it be called, end up in my yard?" I asked.

"No idea, mate. These little buggers pop up in random places all the time. Wouldn' be su'prised if one popped up in mine yard too." Hagrid replied.

"While I'm here, I might as well take a stroll around 'Diagon Alley'." I mumbled.

"Alright. Don't get lost, though!" Hagrid warned.

I exit the pub. I stumbled for some time, until I saw this short kid, seemed 'bout eleven, mount this broomstick like a horse and push off. He shoots past me into the sky, flying as if the devil was on his tail. I remember he had a lightning bolt mark on his forehead.

My brain was dulled. I simply grasped my fingers on a random broomstick. I mount it as that kid had done. My balance is horrible. I feel like an idiot.

Out of the corner, Hagrid runs, roaring at the top of his lungs, "Cogburn, NO!" But I push off. With a boom, I am thrust into the sky, spinning and rolling wildly.

Within seconds I am high above these clouds, sun on my raggedly old face, Winchester clutched in my hand, my other hand navigating the broom. This is even more damned difficult than riding a damn horse.

"Shit," I think.

"I should've asked that lightning bolt-headed kid how to land this thing."

A COUPLE HOURS OF DRUNKEN FLYING LATER…

I still haven't the damnedest idea where I'm heading.

As I turn my head, seeing the swiftly changing scene around me, I see lights off in the distance, getting larger and larger. As I fly near, there is a building that looks like a castle, where the lights are.

I decide to fly in. I see an open wide courtyard. I dip down and prepare for impact.

I collided the ground hard. I was bucked off the broom, landed facedown upon the cobblestone.

I am up on my feet and observe my surroundings. The rain commences pouring and I run for cover. I see this door on my right. I open it.

I am in a massive hall, looks like a church hall. It has well lit archways.

Hagrid appeared. "Cogburn! How in the ruddy hell did yeh end up here? Tha' was bloody dangerous, what yeh did!"

"I was addled, my friend. My brain cannot function under the influence of your powerful firewhisky, mate."

"Well, 'a least yeh're safe." Hagrid sighed. "Come on, I'll show yeh 'round the grounds. I still can't bloody believe how yeh flew here, the fog's terrible…"

Hagrid led the way through the courtyard. "I live on the far side of Hogwarts, near the forest. Nasty things happen 'n those woods."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Just… things. Things that yeh wouldn't understand."

"Is there an outlaw? One in there?"

"Just don't bloody say anything, this outlaw should not be named."

"So there is one, then!" I stated. "Who is it?"

"Arrgh… I should not have said that, I should not have said that…" Hagrid muttered.

We walk out into this field. There is a small, angled cabin. In the backyard is the forest that Hagrid talked of.

"So this outlaw you talk of… what is he after? Gold and riches?" I asked, my interest piquing, as we enter his cabin.

Hagrid began, "Well, we in this world call females witches, and males wizards. There is this one 'outlaw', yeh call him, this powerful wizard. He migh' be considered th' most dangerous wizard in our history."

"What is his name?

"V… Vold-… Voldemort. That's his name. But we all call him You-Know-Who."

"Why don't people call him by his name?"

"He is a bloody fearful wizard, mate. Can't just say someone's name ou' loud like that! He's killed a mighty lot of people, yeh see."

"If I gave a rat's ass about every outlaw's name, I'd never be able to do my job."

"He wants to conquer our world, don't yeh see? And the only thing that's stopping him is a boy. The Boy who Lived. Harry Potter!"

"…Who?"

I hear a knock at the door. Hagrid opens it.

In the doorway is the boy with the bolt on his forehead, the broomstick master!

"Hey, Harry!" Hagrid booms.

"Harry…Could this be…?" I mutter.

"Harry, this is Rooster Cogburn, he's a new friend I met. Cogburn, this is Harry Potter." Hagrid introduced.

"So you're the one who can stop Voldemort?" I asked bluntly. Harry didn't respond.

But we all talked and chatted for what seemed like a short while.

After Potter left, I asked Hagrid, "How would Voldemort change the Wizarding world if he wins?"

"Ay, mate, it'll be total destruction. He'd persecute left and right whoever expresses even th' slightest bit of dissent, Cogburn." Hagrid replied.

"But wouldn't he reward the ones who support him? His followers and allies?"

"Well, o'course, but why? Yeh thinkin' of supportin' him?" Hagrid exclaimed.

"Because if you don't resist, you won't die. Maybe you would be rewarded as well."

"He is the most evil wizard on the face of this good earth, and that's a fact, Cogburn! Would yeh rather sacrifice yer humanity for a soulless, bloody bastard like 'im?"

"Everyone opposed him. He had no choice but to be evil. As an old sheriff now, my goal is to preserve my life, not my humanity, after all I've gone through."

"If that is how you think, then get out o' my house! I do not make friends with Dark Wizard sympathizers!" Hagrid roared.

I slowly walked to the door and headed down the steps. I breathed some cold, fresh air and looked behind me. The forest was foggy, while the wind chill blew through the air. I took a deep breath, eyeing the forest apprehensively. And I walked into the sea of trees, to find Voldemort.

I entered, and I felt the fog coming down on the forest floor. It was hard to see. I kept walking, hitting the brambles and bushes. I brushed aside some branches, but always my Winchester was kept at the ready. I walked for some time, 'bout fifteen minutes or so, when off to my left, I see a man walking. He was hooded. He shone in the moonlight.

I head in his direction, every second or so hiding behind a tree.

But Voldemort had already known I was on his tail, and he turned around in a flash with one of them wands in his hand. The same kind of stick wands in Diagon Alley.

"Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort screams.

A bolt of green light speeds toward my face. In an instant I duck into a kneeled combat position while the green jet sails overhead and hits a fox. The fox howled and died. I quickly aim for Voldemort's forehead and fire a round.

"BANG!"

I miss barely, but I tear off Voldemort's hood.

Voldemort had a strange headscarf on his head. It rested, unbalanced on his head. He stared at me, and tried to raise his wand upon me again. I readied my Winchester and pointed it at his face as I stood up.

"Shoot one more jet of light at me and I will maim your face, Voldemort."

I hear a voice. "Who are you?" the voice asks.

But Voldemort's lips did not move at all.

"What the hell…?" I mutter, dumbfounded.

"Show me to him." The voice sounded as though it came from the back of his head.

Voldemort's hands went to his headscarf. It fell to the ground. He turned around. Another man's head was attached to the back of his head!

I keep my ground. I do not move an inch.

The new head on the man's back said, "This man is not Lord Voldemort, he is Quirinus Quirrell. I am Lord Voldemort. What is your business in these woods?"

"I admire your quest to conquer the Wizarding World. The world needs a heavy-handed ruler to quash all dissent. As a non-wizard, I do not understand the power of magic, but I wish to ally and serve you. Tell the man with the wand that I do not mean harm." I stated.

"Your fighting skill is masterful. You wish to ally with Lord Voldemort." the face whispered. I lowered my Winchester.

Voldemort's face cracked into a smile. "You may be a Muggle, but you understand more, much more than most wizards have understood about my quest. And you shall be rewarded. Very… much rewarded." I smiled at the thought of my reward.

"But you must prove your worth. You have a task to complete." Voldemort hised.

"Yes, of course. I will complete whatever you ask."

"Bring me Harry Potter. Bring him tonight. He lives in that tower." Voldemort pointed. It was a small, spiny tower near a bridge. "You will meet Quirrell at the entrance of the tower. Once you have captured him, he will take you down to the inner chamber. There, I will meet him."

HOURS LATER…

I headed up the tower. I overheard some pipsqueak kid named Neville speak too loudly about the location of Harry's room. After Neville entered the dormitory, I quietly entered in after him and knocked him out with the rifle butt.

"Neville said it was the one next to the window on the right… " I muttered.

I found the door. Inscribed on it was the label, Boys' Dormitory.

The door was unlocked. I entered. I made my way toward the window on the right. Next to the window was Harry Potter, sleeping on his side.

I jab him with the muzzle. Harry jumps up awake, staring up at my barrel.

"Come with me without a struggle, and I won't shoot you or your friends." I stated.

Harry nodded, slowly. He got up and we walked out of the dormitory.

We met Quirrell at the tower entrance. "Professor Quirrell…?" Harry wondered.

But Quirrell ignored him. We went into the massive hall in the castle. There were winding staircases that seemed to shift direction every second, doors in the strangest places. We arrived at a red door at the end of a hallway. Quirrell opened it.

An enormous dog with three heads slept. I could not believe my eyes. It must have been calmed by the music from the harp in the corner, I thought. With a mighty effort, Quirrell pushes away the paws, and I see this door, a trapdoor.

He points his wand at it and it opens. "We jump in here," he said.

We jump down a tunnel and fall into a pit of snakes. But Quirrell raised his wand again. Jets of fire spit out of its end, and the snakes burn, letting us through the pit. But there was another door in the front.

A mountain troll greeted us behind the door, giving us a massive roar. But Quirrell, in a flurry of wand-strokes, incapacitated the troll. It fell backward with a huge bang.

One last door was in front of us. We enter. At its end, in the middle, was a large, decorated mirror.

Quirrell ran to it. "Where is the stone? Where is the stone!?"

"The what?"

"The Sorcerer's Stone. Where the bloody hell is it?!"

"Shit… what the hell is going on…?" I mutter.

"Harry Potter! GO to the mirror!" Quirrell roared. Harry carefully walked towards it.

"What do you see?" Quirrell asked Harry.

"I see… A trophy. I just won the Quidditch final. We're all cheering."

"…that's a LIE!" Quirrell snarled. "TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE!"

Harry is still, doesn't move an inch. "This kid is a master at this…" I think.

"Show me to him." Voldemort's ghostly voice said.

And again, Quirrell unwrapped his headscarf.

Harry jumped a little when he saw Voldemort's sickly head attached to Quirrell's.

"Give me the stone, Potter."

"No. I don't have the stone."

"GIVE ME THE STONE, POTTER, OR YOU WILL FACE DEATH!" Voldemort roared.

"Never, Voldemort! You killed my parents!"

I have to give the kid some credit. This kid has some true grit.

Quirrell grabbed Harry and tackled him to the ground, his hands strangling Harry's neck. Harry could not move, and he only made croaking sounds. My mind was spinning. I desperately wanted my reward from Voldemort, from pledging my loyalty. But I never want to see a kid be harmed. Ever. Just like Mattie with Ned Pepper. Kids are too innocent for something like this.

What do I do?

I do what I have always done. I raced up to Quirrell.

And I gave Voldemort a good punch in the face.

Voldemort/Quirrell reeled back. But Quirrell got back his footing quickly. He raised his wand. "Avada…!"

I recognized that word. It was a killing word. Instantly I drop back into combat stance.

And I fire.

Quirrell dropped back in shock. He hit the ground face-first. But there was a cloudy spirit that rose from Quirrell's body. It looked unclear at first, but it slowly became clearer… It had the face of Voldemort!

Voldemort's spirit rushes toward Harry. I hurl myself between Harry and the spirit. But it passes through me, with a roar. This is the damnedest thing I've ever seen.

My eyes close. I collapse on the cobblestone floor.

LATER AT THE HOSPITAL…

I wake up in a hospital bed. It was nice and warm. Haven't had that in a long time.

I see a familiar face. It was Potter.

"Hagrid told me your name was Cogburn."

"Yes it is, kid. How are you?" I answer gruffly.

"I am well. Are you okay?" he asks.

"I think I'll be fine. Voldemort had better need something more than that to take out ol' Cogburn here."

"Hagrid's coming soon, he says he'll have your Portkey."

"Thanks, kid."

"No, thank you, Cogburn, for saving my life."

"Anyday, kid. Wrestled hard with that decision, honestly."

"Maybe I'll see you again in our world."

"Maybe."

"Before you go, I want you to have this." Harry gave me a shiny stone. "This is the Sorcerer's Stone. This is what Voldemort desperately wanted. This is what I saw in the mirror, and what we were talking about. And now that he's gone, I can pass it on. I don't need it anymore."

I had nothing to say. I never got this emotional. I wasn't used to it. "Thanks, kid. You take care of yourself, Potter."

Hagrid came in as well.

"Well, I guess I thought wrong 'bout you, Cogburn. Yeh did have some good in yeh after all."

"Took me a long time to find that goodness, Hagrid. Thanks."

"Thank yeh for saving Hogwarts, for saving our world. Here's the boot. Yeh deserved it."

Harry watches as Hagrid hands me the mangy old boot. I look at them one last time. I rub the heel.

Instantly, I feel myself getting tugged in my coat. I am pulled down the same blue tunnel. Spinning, rolling, my gun still in my hand.

I pop out back into my backyard. I rub my head and look around. The boot was gone. But nothing had changed. My yard was as dirty as ever.

"Damn, was that a daydream o' something?"

But I see in my hand the shiny stone Potter gave me.

I guess it wasn't a dream after all.