It was the anniversary of his death. My brother's to be exact.
"Ludwig Beilschmidt faced a tragic death on February 21, 2013. Took his own life jumping in front of a moving train car. Cause said to be the impact of his grandfather's death and troubles between his family, died at age 17."
That was the article in the paper, I tore it out a year ago and kept it in my wallet. I've read it so many times I can recite the paragraph word for word.
I recited it over and over again as I walked through the sleeping city. All that was on my mind was my brother. I've been thinking lately he was much more of an awesome person then I could ever be, he pulled through so much at the time of our grandfather's death.
He made arrangements for the funeral, he cleaned the house of his things, he took over the chores of our grandfather, he didn't even shed a single tear. Not because he didn't care, but because he didn't have time, he knew crying wouldn't solve anything, he knew more than me.
While I slowly gave into alcohol and throwing my life span away moping over the death of our grandfather he kept trudging through if dragging me along with him.
I guess one day he got fed up.
There was no signs of depression or any suicidal thoughts. My guess is he saw the opportunity and took it. Hell he didn't have anyone, I was never home and he didn't share personal feelings with friends, no wonder he killed himself.
People tell me that it wasn't my fault but you'd think I'd believe that? With our parents god knows where I was the only one to support him and he ended up supporting me. What kind of big brother was I? I was so immersed in my own sorrow to help him through his. Totally un-awesome.
And that bit me in the ass. Bit him in the ass as well. He lost his life I lost my only family.
And I've gotta tell you losing two family members in the same year isn't fun. Spending Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas alone, is not fun.
Losing family does a number on you. Like ripping a chunk out of your life and throwing it in a grave. Kind of selfish way to think of it right?
Well there was two chunks of life missing and two graves I was not prepared to deal with.
Over the course of a year I became fucking depressed. Suicidal. Angry. And sad. Really fucking sad.
I quit my job a week ago. Cleaned the house these past few days and bought a suit and a bouquet of flowers with the loads of cash I've saved up and threw in the bank.
I trudged through the cold in the sleek suit, held the flowers in one hand and a frame in the other.
I glanced at the picture of a smiling Ludwig, not much of a smile on him but a smile that was genuine and a sight to be seen. His smile was dim but damn, could it light up my face, tough guy to please, I had to savor those brief moments I got with him.
I made my way through the city, kicking the snow under my feet walking from side street to side street finally finding the death place of my brother.
A tight railway on the edge of the city, green and trees on one side and a side of more rural setting compared to the urban city. a few small businesses and a Main Street.
Quiet.
No wonder he chose here to die.
Barron setting at night, no light source to be found besides those of the dim street lights and of the glowing moon. Inhabited for the time being, quiet and beautiful.
My brother always liked things quiet and calm, I see now why he chose such a place.
I placed the flowers beside the post that folds down the caution train barriers, the frame beside them and stuck the article in between the crock of the glass and the frame.
I admired my brother's smiling face one last time, took in how alive he was, how I last saw him. This picture was the most recent photo I could find of him actually smiling, I don't recall ever seeing him smile after grandpa's death, a genuine one that is. How he looks here should be how he looks now, but I guess it wasn't meant to be.
Harsh wind blew past me sending a few snow flakes past my face. I stood up and walked into the tracks, probably standing where he last stood.
I laughed.
How cliché can this get? I built a small shrine and now I'm playing the motions of his death. I never thought I'd be the one to be so lame.
I sat down in the thin snow, resting both my hands on opposite sides of the track, facing the trail head on.
This was really it.
I've been planning this for a while. If I didn't want to be sentimental I would've ended my life sooner. But I feel I should go down how he went down.
In memory of him.
Sounds really stupid and call me a fool but I feel no purpose. No will to live anymore. I do not feel happy in my own skin, going through the motions of life, walking through the house alone that has held so many memories.
I can no longer be alone.
If heaven is for real, I'll be together, with my family.
And that's a risk I'm willing to take.
I chuckled at my lame speech I performed inside my head, at how pathetic I've become in this past year. At how strong I could've been but chose not to be.
Doesn't matter now, no more worrying for me.
But Damn.
It feels good to be free.
I closed my eyes ready for the oncoming train. I knew the Thursday night course to come exactly at 2:00am roaring through the city.
To come and end my poor life.
It was about 1:40am right now, I don't mind waiting in the cold, the suit was warm enough to not bother me.
All I had to do was wai-
"Hey. What the hell are you doing?"
I cracked one eye open to reveal a small man carrying a few plastic bags looking down at me.
I replied "Waiting."
"What the fuck for?" He spat
"The train. Now would you please let a train hit me in peace? That'd be great." I retorted squeezing my eyes shut and whipping my head back toward the direction of the tracks.
"Why should I?"
My eyes flew open, my tolerance level was at a complete zero and I wasn't about to end my life with someone nagging over me.
"Because can't you see I want to fucking die? When people commit suicide I would think they wouldn't want an audience."
"Why?"
"Well I would think it's obvious I don't want you to watch my guts squish every-"
"No not that you idiot." He interrupted. "Why are you killing yourself?"
This surprised me, it wasn't really the question I expected from this rude man, he didn't seem like the kind of person to wait for opinions.
I pointed toward Ludwig's photo. "You see that boy in the photo?"
He nodded
"That's my brother, he committed suicide in this spot to this very day last year. And my life has been shitty ever since so I'd like to do the same." I crossed my arms refusing to move from my spot.
"Lame." He yawned.
"The fuck, what do you know?" I growled.
"Lame way to go down. If you think you're being all sentimental and poetic, you're not. You're just being stupid." He put down his bags and placed a hand to his hip.
"Alright, well let me be stupid in peace. Can you leave now?"
"Nope. You said you didn't want to have me watch your guts spill but maybe I have a fetish for guts and so I'm staying." He made a weird face mimicking one of a child spitting out useless insults.
"That's a lame fetish." I grinned
"S-shut up!" He pouted.
We sat for a while as the snow fell, my face toward the tracks his eyes on me. He didn't flinch once from his spot, he remained watching me in deep thought, stubborn bastard, couldn't he see I'd like to die alone?
Once the barriers dropped, the bells sounded and the lights flashed, he spoke.
"Take my hand."
I turned my head toward his out stretched hand in front of me.
"No can do, I'm scheduled to die in a few seconds."
"Not on my watch." He reached over the barrier shoving his palm in my face.
"Stop, I've got a date with this train." The lights of the train could be made out in the distance, quickly approaching us, the sound increasing in volume.
"H-how about a date with me?" The man shouted out, hand still toward me.
"Wha?" I turned toward him in surprise, one eyebrow lifted in disbelief.
"Yeah I'm asking you out, now take my hand or the date is off." He trusted his palm toward me once again inviting me to take it.
"Wow how desperate are you? Why do you want to keep me alive so much? It's starting to piss me off." I glared through his hand right back into those hazel eyes of his.
"Just fucking take it you idiot! Do you really believe your brother fucking wants this for you! If heaven IS for real he's screaming up there, he'd want you ALIVE and not to repeat his mistake. Don't disappoint him like he clearly disappointed you!" He screamed reaching out further to grip the collar of my coat.
He dragged me from the tracks and behind the flashing barriers, away from danger. In a moment the train roared past us, bringing with it a large gust of air and a screaming engine, wheels clacking along the tracks.
"WHAT. THE. FUCK." I breathed out, staring back at (what was suppose to be) my death place.
"What the fuck is right you sick bastard. What the hell were you thinking? You REALLY think that will solve all your terrible life problems?"
"IT WOULD HAVE IF YOU LET ME FUCKING DIE. I COULD'VE BEEN DEAD WITH NO PROBLEMS. I COULD'VE SOLVED IT FOR MYSELF." I screamed, helplessly facing the man now.
"Uh huh, yeah. Running away from problems seems to be a popular idea with you. You really want to die with that much regret? How would you EVER face any of your family members in the afterlife? Huh? The shame that you'd bring to them and more importantly yourself." He poked my chest "You want to remember your self as the bum that was too busy being a piss poor little shit all the time that he blamed himself for his brothers own decision?!"
He started at me eyes flaming, burning directly into mine.
"HUH?!" He asked again moving his face closer to mine.
"If you really want that for your self go ahead and take your life. I tried, but clearly you want to make the mistake many foolish people take. Then be my fucking guest."
He stood up and directed his eye contact away from me. "Good luck coward."
I sat in the snow contemplating his words. They hit me like a bullet, so blunt and true. I knew it was true too. I always have. The thought of always knowing truly made myself believe I was a coward, and wow look, I was just about to prove it. It's a speciality of mine to hide and run from my problems. Why not finish it that way.
But no. I couldn't now with this fiery Italian in the way shitting on all my plans to end my miserable life. Man did he make me feel like shit though. Truth hurts more than I ever thought. Specially when you receive it from a complete stranger.
The train roared by once again leaving its gust of wind and total silence. A droplet hit my thigh. I hadn't noticed I was crying. How long had I been crying?
"Hey." I said to the cold air in front of me.
"Hey." The cold air behind me replied.
I lowered head burying it into my hands desperately trying to wipe my tears. "Uh... Thank-ks..."
"Hmf." He exclaimed, I could almost see him crossing his arms and lifting that eyebrow in a matter-of-fact way.
"Should be thanking me. Hope you know how stupid you are." He huffed.
"Yeah." I chuckled picking myself up off the ground.
He glanced at me then immediately bolted his eyes to the ground, eyebrows furrowed. "Uh... S-sorry I said it like that.." He struggled "so rudely.."
"It's fine." I automatically assured. "Thanks though. I guess I'm not dead yet."
He chuckled "damn right you aren't." He crossed his arms and sighed under his breath. "Shouldn't be."
"Hm? What was that?" I let a small all-knowing grin from my mouth.
"Nothing! It's not like I tried to save you! I just had to point out how stupid you looked!" He retorted, cheeks flushed.
"Uh huh yeah. Exactly why you asked me on a date. Couldn't resist me huh? Saw this hot stuff and had to save me." I smirked watching him fume with anger.
"whA-! T-that was! I didn't mean that you bastard! I was trying!-"
"-Trying to score some with the awesome me. Yeah yeah I've heard it all before." I winked.
"Acting all mighty now considering you just tried to kill your self." He points out touching his forehead with his index finger in annoyance.
"Heh yeah.. Well it didn't happen." I avoided bringing up those events of a few moments ago. If I was good for anything it was ignoring everything and I did not feel like feeling shitty and mopey again after that.
That kick in the ass from him really made me realize how much of an idiot I am. I'm Gilbert fucking Beilschmidt, professional nuisance. And all I've been is a nuisance to myself. I fucking miss messing with people. I haven't had this much of a conversation with anyone since last year. I didn't realize how introverted I became, how the lack of socialization drew me to blame my self even more.
I guess I'm ready to live a little longer. With this little shit invading my plans I really have no desire to end my life. Not now. (Wow way to ruin the mood asshole.) I guess I'll live it up a little more for you West.
AN: Hey everyone, i'm to try to create my first Prumano fic because this pairing just deserves more love seriously. But anyway! I was planning for this to be a multi-chapter fic but if i don't get feedback i think i'll just keep it as a one shot! Just i haven't had the plot figured out and if no ones going to read it my motivation to write is shitty... just tell me what you think and if i should continue! thanks for reading!