This is a Bobobo fic. It ends the same day it begins. Hope you all enjoy it. It won't last long.
No really. This is it.
The Narrator wakes up from his desk and begins reading from his script, absolutely shocked that someone wasted their time clicking on this nonsense.
"The universe. It's really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, big. A vast cosmos like this should be treated with proper care and respect…However, blowing it up is funnier then that so we're probably gonna end up doing that instead. Unknowingly to the earthlings of the year 300X, it just might happen. For as we speak, or as they speak, or as I speak, 9 gem stones are being carelessly used to float in the vast emptiness of space. Similar to my mother's brain. If these stones aren't collected the Earth as we know it will die…! Not a rip-off of Dragonball GT at all, I assure you. Either way, am I happy I'm not on this show, HA HA HA…what was that…what do you mean my mother is here. She survived the poison? What is she, Rasputin? Aw crap. Just start the show.
The hair hunt troops are seen unloading mysterious packages from a truck towards J block base. After the stuff is unloaded the truck drives off and the troops push the cases inside.
"Finally, It's here. The box containing all the stuff we need for our space ride." Gloated the J block commander as he approached the box. He slowly started to open his prize, uncharacteristically happy that he got some junk to survive in space for some reason. "He he he…I wonder what it could be?"
All of a sudden Bobobo pops out wearing a baboon costume. Why not?
"SURPRISE!" He said landing on the ground in front of the commander. "Anyone order hot fresh babbon on a stick." Bobobo said.
"WHAT! (with an exclamation point, not a question mark)" He blinks exactly twice. "I didn't order any baboon! Besides your not on a stick!" The commander yelled totally freaked out. Where the hell was the stick?
"Hey over here!" yelled a voice from behind the commander. He turned and saw Don' Patch sitting at a checkerboard cloth table with a fork and a knife in his hands. "Are you trying to steal my food!" Don' Patch yelled at the commander.
"What! HE'S NOT EVEN COOKED YOU MORRON!" Suddenly the commander felt a tap on the shoulder. He turned around and saw Bobobo, no longer a baboon, holding a bag of chips. "Yeah what do you want?"
"I can't open these." Bobobo whined.
"Tough luck cause I'm not opening them for ya!" The commander yelled. Finally. Revenge. Now he'll starve.
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! Are you telling me after all the training we've been through your afraid of a measly bag of chips!" yelled Don'Patch from behind.
"Heh, who are you, my wrestling couch?"
"No worse…" the commander turned to face Don' patch and freaked out. He saw Don' Patch standing there with an ugly purple dress on. He also had a huge trapezoid shaped mustache, big bushy eyebrows, and a Mohawk hairdo.
"I'm your grandma!" Don' Patch said.
"WOW! He looks just like her too!" The commander shouted
Bobobo: Episode 1 of 1: 9 gems of total controlnessnessity! And yes it's a word, at least in my dictionary!
Suddenly everybody there was in a wrestling wring. In the crowd of people was an unknown spy watching Bobobo's every move.
I, the narrator, began taking the stand and speaking in term for the contestants. "Ladies and Gentlemen! It's the match of the year you've all been waiting for! In this corner is the master of mayhem, the bald wig wearing momma's boy…"
"Hey!" shouted the J block commander
"…Oh sorry. Grandma's boy... The J block Commander."
Everyone booed and threw mushrooms at him.
"...And in this corner…a bag of chips." Everyone cheered. Girls went up to the bag of chips and asked for his autograph. The lifeless bag of chips did nothing. He was one of those "too cool for school" types.
Jelly Jiggler walked in the middle of the ring and pulled a microphone down from the Heavens, as one does. "Ladies and ge…huh?" Jelly Jiggler stopped when he noticed the microphone was hissing at him. "AHHHH! SNAKE!"
Jelly panicked! He through the snake at the crowd. Everyone screamed in fear as the snake landed in someone's hair ..but then they all realized it wasn't them who had the snake in their hair which prompted them to stop screaming.
"Okay what's the big idea? Who gave me a snake instead of a microphone?" Jelly yelled completely upset that his big dramatic reading had been compromised.
"Hey! Down in front!" Bobobo yelled at Jelly.
'Hey, you can't shout at me I'm the ref!" Jelly was flabbergasted. Bobobo stuck his tongue out at him. "Okay fine. I'll just ignore you. As I was saying I want a good clean fight…" Jelly began again.
"Screw that! It's time to get down and dirty!" Don' Patch said raising a dirty mallet over Jelly Jiggler.
"What are you going to do with that?" Jelly asked worried.
"What do you think?"
"I think I need a new contract!"
"To bad I'm the star of this show and I say you're out of here!" Don' Patch yelled smacking Jelly out of the base with his cartoonishly huge mallet. Totally necessary I tells ya.
"Wait a minute, I thought Mr. Bobobo was the star." Gasser, the teenage boy stand-in, finally entering the base. He was soon followed by Beauty, the young woman with a heart of spastic reaction shots.
"Oh! I can't believe Bobobo! Making us take the bus." Beauty whined.
"All right it's time to start this fight so put your game face on… and if you can't afford a game face we're selling cheap ones at the props stand." Don' Patch shouted.
"Don't listen to him he's just trying to con you out of your money." Beauty said before getting smacked out of the stadium by Don' Patch's hammer.
"Shut Up!" Don' Patch shouted as she disappeared into the ether. Either way, the bell rung as soon as he was finished.
"I'm gonna destroy you! You think you're all that... AND a bag of chips?!" The J-block commander said, pointing angrily at his opponent. 'This will be easy all I have to do is tackle this thing and I'm done.' The commander approached the chips but as soon as he got close a huge military tank with Bobobo's head on it came down and pointed a huge cannon at the J-block commander.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" He shouted.
"Dengaku Man, are you ready?!" Shouted the Bobobo tank head.
"Ready as I'll ever be Bobobo sir!" Dengaku Man proudly exclaimed from inside the cockpit.
"Good, then fire!" Bobobo commanded. Dengaku man pressed the fire button. The cannon started to power up. Soon electric sparks started to fly out of tit as well. Finally it fired and when it did out came…flowers! The J-block commander stood there in confusion as it rained flowers over the ring. Don' Patch and Jelly Jiggler immediately start jumping up and down and rolling around in the flowers claiming spring time had come.
The narrator clears his throat. "I'd like you to know that this scene also comes with a cheap poem. It says 'Roses are red, violets are blue and…'"
"I JUST KICKED THE SNOT OUT OF YOU!" Bobobo finished the poem while coming out of nowhere and kicking the J-block commander hard in the crotch and stomach area. The commander flew back and landed on the other side of the ring. Bobobo skipped like a little girl to the bag of chips, picked it up, skipped over to the commander and put the chips on top of him.
"And the chips win!" Shouted Jelly Jiggler. The crowd cheered.
"Hey that's no fair! You cheated." The commander said as they suddenly appeared back in the regular lobby of the J-block base.
"You know, there ain't nothing I hate more than a sore loser!" Bobobo spread his legs and put his hands into a fighting position. His body soon started to glow a golden color around his body. "Super Fist of the Nose Hair!" Bobobo jumped up shot his nose hairs at the commander and rapped them around him.
"Huh? What are you doing?" the Commander shouted worriedly. Bobobo sprung the commander off the ground and spun him around with his nose hairs to make his whole body look like a spinning top floating in the air.
"Bobobo's Top Spinning Floor Crash of Doom!" Bobobo stopped spinning and slammed the dizzy commander on the ground hard. The commander lied in the rubble, completely unconscious. The valiant hero landed on his feet gracefully.
"All right Bobobo!" Beauty shouted with glee while running towards him.
"That was awesome!" Gasser shouted too.
"Well, that may have worked but there is still one more hair hunt commander in this building. We best hurry and find him before something else goes wrong, like it's done in the past." Softon said appearing out of nowhere, as usual.
"When you say before something goes wrong do you mean something like being surrounded by hair hunt troopers with really big cannons?" Dengaku Man asked.
"Yes." Softon answered then immediately noticed that they were completely surrounded by hair hunt troopers with really big cannons.
"Oh no! We're all doomed!" Jelly Jiggler shouted, unnecessarily loud.
"Get a hold of yourself!" Bobobo jumped in smacking Jelly Jiggler across the cheek multiple times. "They can't see us if we're wearing jelly suits." Bobobo picked up Jelly Jiggler and rapped him around his body, which caused Jelly to feel an impressive amount of pain. Bobobo walked up to one of the hair hunt troopers and started to draw on his face with a black marker.
"Your brains gone south of the border!" Beauty yelled at him.
"Hey Ted, you've got the word "Drool king" written on you." Said one of the hair hunt troopers next to him. All the hair hunt troops started to laugh.
"What? You mean that actually worked!" Beauty shouted.
"Who did this to my face!" shouted the angry hair hunt trooper. Bobobo pointed to Jelly Jiggler who was now holding the black marker after Bobobo gave it to him as a present.
"Hey wait a minute I didn't do it!"
Jelly Jiggler was blasted by Ted's cannon.
"Wow! Did you see that explosion?" Softon shouted amazed.
"Actually yes. Plenty of times before. It even happened once before when I was using the toilet!" Don' Patch shouted over the explosion.
"Okay, I didn't need to hear that." Beauty said, astounded she could hear at all considering how loud the explosion still was. Jelly Jiggler arose from the smoke as a disembodied head.
"Ahhh! What did you do to me?" Jelly freaked out.
'Err! These guys are tough. I wonder if they teach yoga. Probably get a good work out from that.' Bobobo thought in his mind.
"Don't worry. I've got it all under control." Don' Patch walked forward towards the troops.
What is it that Don' Patch has up his sleeves? What kind of daring, stunning, and cultivating plan is he up to? What could his ultimate move possibly be?! Prepare to be disappointed!
Don' Patch dropped to the floor and started crying. "Please don't hurt us! We surrender!" He shouted.
Ugh.
A few minutes later all the hair hunt troops were lying on the ground defeated. Their cannons were destroyed and they were all groaning.
"Wow, great plan Don' Patch." Dengaku Man shouted.
"What plan? All he did was surrender. I'm the one who took them out." Gasser said.
"Anyway, does anyone know how we're going to reach the 2nd Commander of this place." Softon asked breaking into the conversation once more. He wasn't even sure why he was still here but... it was something to do.
"Why sure. I've got a plan." Bobobo answered.
Meanwhile at the top of the base, the mysterious man who was watching earlier was looking at some weird rotating device in his huge thrown room. Jeez why do all the characters in this show get nice things? All I have is an apartment filled with rocks and a refrigerator filled with soap. Anywho, let's get back to the story shall we?
A huge elevator crashed through the floor of the thrown room unexpectedly.
"Hey you. I've come to tear this place down!" Bobobo shouted.
"Ah Bobobo, I've been expecting you…HEY DID YOU JUST CRASH AN ELEVATOR THROUGH MY THROWN ROOM? Oh well. It doesn't matter. It's not like this is my real thrown room. In fact, this isn't my real base." Said the man with flaming red hair. He was also wearing a cape, a golden armor suit, visible dark blue pants that were about as long as Bobobo's own, and he had dark metal boots.
"I'm known as Santa Sun." The man said as his hands lit up with fire.
"Oh yeah well tough luck for you bub! I don't believe in Santa Claus!" Don' Patch said running up to him. He then turned around to face the group. "Come on everyone if you don't believe in him he can't hurt ya!" Don' Patch shouted before he got blasted away by a fireball. He crashed somewhere across the room. Gasser immediately ran over to help him.
"Don' Patch are you all right?" Gasser asked picking him up.
"…Gasser…you smell like old tuna." Don' Patch said before Gasser dropped him on the ground.
"Yeah he's fine." Gasser remarked.
"I bet you and your team came here wondering about the space program King Baldy Bald announced." Santa Sun said.
"Actually we stowed away in the truck looking for ice cream, but that seems like a smarter reason." Jelly Jiggler said while lying in a chair, wearing sunglasses, and sipping on a glass of lemonade. Bobobo immediately flipped the chair over causing Jelly Jiggler to get crushed.
"No lounging!" Bobobo yelled. Then he turned to Santa Sun. "What space program are you talking about? This is the first I've heard of it."
" Not surprising. Have you ever heard of the 9 Gems of the Universe?" Santa Sun smirked.
"Hey I've heard of those. Those are the 9 gems of total controlnessnessity!" Bobobo shouted, his spit flinging about.
"Oh please! That's not even a word!" Beauty hollered.
"It is in the dictionary of Bo!" Bobobo pulled a yellow book out of nowhere.
Behold the Dictionary of Bo! In this book contains vast amounts of stupid and faked up words, made without merit on the spot. A few examples are squiggllypooch, sloooberfied, crackingcrackface, and zippidiboppi. This book is not found in stores, malls, newsstands, or any combination of the three. In fact only one was made. If you would like to purchase this one and you own a time-machine please call 1-800-xsdgfdjfjdhdekfhuhcyddjsdudgsudwhorgan.
"What the hell even was that..." Beauty face faulted.
"Yes well, that's a very…interesting book Bobobo but the fact that you know what the gems are doesn't mean you can fully understand their power. The gems were created over 250 years ago by a powerful warlord of chaos who calls himself Emerald. It is unclear how but Emerald was locked away on the 9th planet where the last gem is located. Rumors say that he used the gems he created to over throw 8 other planets. He came to earth next but was defeated by the leader of the golden Afro trio. In that trio there was the leader of the Wiggin out clan and some unimportant dude whose name I forgot. They locked Emerald away, but now we can collect all the gems and bring him back. Sir Baldy Bald will finally advance his empire to…HEY ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!" Santa Sun watched Bobobo, Don' Patch, and Jelly playing a video game.
"Hey Jerk, that was my power ring!" Don' Patch shouted.
"I hate playing Sonic the Hedgehog video games. I always lose." Jelly whined.
"Well then you should've thought about that before you agreed to play." Bobobo said.
"What! I didn't agree to play. You said you'd beat me up if I didn't play." Jelly argued.
"Are you calling me a liar!" Bobobo towered over the scared Jelly Jiggler.
"Wow! Bobobo did you hear that! This Emerald guy is really dangerous." Beauty cried.
"Who cares? He's locked up on some far away planet somewhere." Softon said.
"Sure he is, but he won't be for long. And before he gets here I'll eliminate you all from this planet!" Santa Sun said throwing a huge fireball at Beauty. Beauty closed her eyes expecting an impact but Don' Patch got in the way with a bowl filled with unchopped vegetables. The fireball hit the inside of the bowl and turned it into salsa.
"Mwwwah! That was a spicy meatballa!" Don' Patch was in a kitchen with the bowl of salsa sitting on the table. He had a fake Italian mustache to go with his fake Italian voice and he wore a chief's hat and vest to go with his fake chef stereotype. "Now we must taste test the salsa." Don' Patch scooped up some of the substance in a spoon and stuck it in his mouth.
Don' Patch immediately dropped the spoon to the floor and grabbed his head. "AHHHHHH! BRAIN FREEZE!" Don' Patch yelled.
"How the hell did you get brain freeze from eating salsa?!" Beauty yelled.
"Mail call for the Santa Sun." Bobobo rode up to him on a small pink bicycle and handed him a letter. Santa Sun opened it and out popped Bobobo's head. "YOU STINK! BRING IN THE COMEDIAN!" He shouted.
Ladies and Gentlemen it's time for the comedy styling of Jelly Jiggler.
"Thank you, thank you." Jelly Jiggler said standing on the stage, with a brick wall in the background. "Hey did you here the one about the guy who had 2 eyes, well he talked about my momma and now he has none, HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Jelly Jiggler said.
"That's not funny!" Santa Sun said destroying the stage along with the brick wall. He created a huge crater in jelly's body with a fireball. Don' Patch caught him. Don' Patch now had a really long nose, a red poka dotted tie, glasses with hypo swirls on them, and clown shoes.
"Hey buddy, you like clowns right." Don' Patch asked with a weird voice.
"No, I hate clowns! Clowns are scary!" Jelly shouted.
"Oh come on. Clowns aren't that scary." Gasser said then freaked out when he saw Jelly Jiggler strapped to a table with "Don' Patch the Clown" towering over him with an ax and a scary looking smile on his face. "Well some clowns aren't scary." Gasser said before Bobobo attacked both Don' Patch and Jelly Jiggler with a huge plastic elephant.
"That should keep them busy for a while. And as for you I'm gonna show you what true heat is!" Bobobo said to Santa Sun. Bobobo started to power up. He let out a huge yell as everything in the room started to shake.
Then Bobobo exploded.
When the smoke cleared there stood a small teddy bear.
"What? That's his idea of heat?!" Beauty shouted. Santa Sun walked toward the teddy bear and picked it up and pulled the string on its back.
"I wuv you. I want you to have my FIST OF THE NOSE HAIR FLUFFY STUFFED BEAR ATTACK!" The huge voice shouted from the voice box of the bear. Immediately the bear's stomach ripped open and the fluff inside rapped around Santa Sun and pulled him inside the bear.
"What the hell? Where am I?"
"You're on the greatest hit show ever! It's called Beary's choice! Shouted Bobobo on stage. Suddenly Santa Sun noticed he was standing at a booth with a teddy bear in the booth across from him. Bobobo was wearing an annoncer's suit and had a microphone in his hands.
"First question! What is your name, Beary?" Bobobo asked.
"Hmmmm, that's a tricky one Bo. I think I'll say Beary." Beary said. Bells rung and the fluff that was now alive, cheered.
"Okay Santa Sun, here's your question. What is 6x/5909939320(6\4 34+34567877-9877\\wruuy\\46349\?12\ 765543-87?) #iRe6577?" Bobobo asked.
"That question didn't even make sense!" Santa shouted.
"Beary wins!"
"WHAAAAAAAA!"
"Hey don't feel bad. Here's some unpopped popcorn to make you feel better." Bobobo said.
Santa Sun got really angry now.
Everyone outside the bear was wondering what was going on until the teddy bear exploded and Bobobo flew back out. He landed in front of Don' Patch, who immediately put a flag on Bobobo's chest.
"I claim this land in the name of Poppa Rocks Patchie!" Don' Patch shouted.
"You'll claim nothing and like it!" Bobobo said getting up with a huge burst of energy.
"I've had it with you Afro man! It's people like you who think they have a fighting chance in defeating Emerald. You make me sick!" Santa Sun shouted at him.
"Oh yeah, well, you're so ugly that when you were born the doctor just slapped both your parents." Bobobo said. Everyone laughed at that except Santa Sun. He smiled instead.
"You really don't know who your messing with. I hope there is something in that book of yours that tells you how to survive." Santa said. Bobobo flipped through the book and read it.
"Let's see survive, see being safe." Bobobo read then flipped to being safe. "Being safe, see survive. Damnit!"
"Get ready Bobobo. You're finished." Santa Sun said with barely any emotion in his voice.
"Oh yeah, we'll see about that." Bobobo got into his battle stance and started to glow again. "Super Fist of the Nose Hair!" He shouted running forward. Bobobo was about to attack with his nose hairs but Santa Sun just stood there with a grin on his face. He lashed out his hands and spread his feet apart.
"Super Fist of the Salsa Ball! Santa Sun Sauna!" Santa Sun shouted as the room filled up with fire. The base stared to melt and soon it exploded. Bobobo and his friends were launched in the air. Bobobo, Don' Patch, and Jelly Jiggler turned into missiles and fell toward the ground with great speed.
"I'll make a bigger boom then you I bet!" Don' Patch shouted.
"I'll take you up on that bet!" Bobobo shouted back.
"Can I be in the bet?" Jelly Jiggler asked.
"NO!" They both yelled back.
"I never get to have any fun." Jelly said before they all crashed into the ground. When all the smoke cleared everyone lied on the ground completely tired. Beauty and Dengaku Man were unconscious, Gasser and Softon were stunned, and Bobobo, Don' Patch, and Jelly Jiggler were barely breathing correctly. Bobobo lifted his head up and heard a cackling voice in the distance.
"Bobobo, your time is up! Ha Ha Ha Ha ha ha…." The voice soon disappeared.
"I can't believe we lost." Don' Patch shouted angry and extremely serious for once.
"I actually knew we would lose. That guy has some serious wiggin power." Bobobo said.
"What do we do now?" Softon asked.
"Let's dance!" Don' Patch put a stereo on the grass and started dancing to the music of little kids singing the alphabet. He did this for about a minute until Bobobo smashed the stereo with Jelly Jiggler's body.
"Now's not the time for crappy classic songs." Bobobo said looking out to space.
"Yo Bo! Ya killed my sound!" Don' Patch shouted.
It seems we have a problem. Bobobo and his friends weren't able to stop this Santa Sun. Just exactly who is he and what are these gems of power he spoke of? This is usually the time where I tell you to come back next time for the conclusion but... this was just a pilot episode and it failed.
This new sub-serious of Bobobo-Bobo-Bobo was cancelled immediately after being green-lit by the producers when they found out Emerald died in stasis long after being imprisoned inside the planet. Upon hearing the news Santa Sun gave up and became a manager at a McDonalds where he tortured people constantly by forgetting the mustard.
EVERY TIME.
The end.