Heh. Just thought I'd take a little sidetrack from my main Winx Club fanfic... enjoy!
London.
Capital of the United Kingdom. The grand old lady on the Thames. Home of Kensington Gardens, Tottenham Hotspur (1) the Hackney Carriage (2), the dodgy Barnet (3) and the Chelsea Smile (4).
In his secret hideaway beneath a certain postbox on Baker Street, we find Danger...
(telephone rings)
Excuse me a minute... no... no, I'm sorry, you can't have a lamb balti with mango chutney and poppadoms. This isn't the Raj Palace. I'm afraid you have the wrong number. That's perfectly alright.
(puts phone down)
Where was I? Ah yes... we find Dangermouse, the world's greatest secret agent relaxing between...
(telephone rings again)
Grrrr, what now? Yes, what is it? What?! No, you can't have a spicy pepperoni with extra anchovies! Pepperoni and anchovies? What kind of freak are you anyway? What? Cheese and chocolate? Now you're just taking the piss.
(slams phone down)
Right then. Ahem... we find Dangermouse, the world's greatest secret agent relaxing between missions with a spot of...
(telephone rings yet again)
Hello? What? Look, do you mind? I'm in the middle of something here. No, I don't want double glazing, thank you. No, I do NOT want double glazing. No, I DO NOT WANT DOUBLE GLAZING!!! I don't care if you do have a special offer im my area right now, I don't want any!! Yes, my windows are fine, not that it's any of your business. Why don't I want double glazing? Because I'm in a recording studio trying to do an introductory narration to this cartoon and some twat has just interrupted me trying to sell me double glazing and he won't take a bloody hint, that's why! NOW BUGGER OFF AND STOP BOTHERING ME!!!
(slams phone down angrily)
Right, that's it. I can't work under these conditions. Yes, I know my intro isn't finished yet. No, I don't care. You can find yourselves another bloody narrator. I'm not being paid enough to answer phones AND introduce episodes at the same time, it ain't my job. I mean, what the hell is that receptionist downstairs doing all day anyway - filing her nails? No... no... I don't bloody care. Look at my face, does it look like I care? What? You really expect me to believe that? Do I have a sign on my forehead saying 'I am an idiot' or something? That's it, no amount of money is worth this grief... I'm outta here. Good-BYE!
Baker Street, and the good folk of London are busy about their business, just as they always do. It's just an ordinary street, full of ordinary buildings, ordinary cars, ordinary post boxes... well, all except one, for under such postbox lies the secret hideout of Dangermouse, the world's greatest (and smallest) secret agent!
We find our hero standing on his head, eyes closed, enjoying a spot of yogic relaxation in between missions. However, his calm is soon disturbed by his faithful assistant Penfold, who stumbled into the room fully laden with the week's shopping.
"DM! Coooeee, DM! I'm back! I managed to get almost everything, but they're out of sugar! 'ere, DM? Did you hear me?"
Dangermouse sighed. "Yes Penfold, I did."
"They're out of sugar."
"I heard."
"What are we going to do now?"
"Drink tea without sugar?"
"That's disgusting!" Penfold muttered as he took the shopping into the kitchen.
Dangermouse breathed deeply as he tried to clear his mind once again... but that didn't last long, as the viewscreen in front of him crackled into life and the face of Colonel K appeared, looking even more flustered than usual as he stared hard at Dangermouse, tilting his head.
"I say, dash it all! This blasted screen's playing up!" he harrumphed.
"No Chief, it's just..." Dangermouse started, but he was quickly drowned out by the loud thumping of the Colonel banging frantically on his screen.
"I'll get it working... hold on...!"
As he continued banging, the picture suddenly crackled and wobbled before finally fizzling out. A few seconds later, his face reappeared - this time upside-down.
"Ah, that's better, you're the right way up now! Some blasted fool must've been playing tricks on me."
Dangermouse tutted. "What is it Colonel?"
"Quite the strangest thing actually. Stocks of sugar are disappearing all over southern England. Mine ran out last night. Quite inconvenient, I must say - my morning tea tasted quite awful, although that may have more to do with me getting it mixed up with the salt again. My Aunt Mabel's in the same boat, although she drinks it with salt out of choice. Dashed strange, I must say. Bottom line is Dangermouse, things are getting so desperate that they're having to ship it in all the way from Hull."
"Good grief! That's horrible!"
"What, Hull? I agree, damned awful place. Bulldoze the whole city, that's what I say!"
"No, I mean having to ship it in. Things must be really desperate."
"And that's I want you to investigate it immediately. Something fishy is definately afoot."
"You can count on me Colonel. Penfold!"
"Yes DM?" his diminuitive hamster sidekick replied as he walked into the room, before stopping and peering at Colonel K. "Morning Colonel!"
The Colonel stared back at him, flabbergasted.
"Ooh, I say Penfold... what are you doing on the ceiling?"
1. Tottenham Hotspur: a football (soccer) club based in North London.
2. Hackney Carriage: a taxi
3. Dodgy Barnet: a very bad hairstyle
4. Chelsea Smile: a punishment favoured by London gangsters, invloving slitting the corners of the victim's mouth to make a big smile.