Cruel Cruel World
Prologue: Unlovable
Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Am I unlovable?
Miss you too! Kisses to you both! ;-)
Kelly clicked the button to send her tweet out, then looked at the picture of Penn and Matthew again that Matthew had tweeted her with his message that he missed her. She shook her head. She honestly didn't know what to think when it came to him anymore. Part of her was touched that he even bothered to tweet her. Another part of her was just annoyed.
For a few months, ever since she had broken it off with Marcus earlier in the year, she and Matthew had gotten close. In fact, she had been pretty sure they were about to become a couple, and had just been taking it slow.
Neither one of them wanted to ruin the friendship, and she had just gotten out of a relationship. Still, even though they weren't officially a couple yet, it felt like they were.
It had all started around Valentine's Day when they tweet flirted with each other. Well, they always tweet flirted, but even more so starting then. Then they went to the Nanette Lepore fashion show the day after Valentine's Day. It had been such a fun day. They talked, and joked, and she even put his hat on at one point.
Kelly smiled sadly as she remembered his words to her.
"You know, you look kind of cute in my hat. You should wear my clothes more often!" He realized how it had sounded the moment he said it. He blushed.
Kelly laughed. "Maybe I should!" she said with a wink.
He blushed even more, but a huge grin was on his face. They posed for pictures then without another word on the subject, and she promptly returned the hat to him after the pictures. Still, they were both still smiling.
They had seen each other briefly once or twice after that. They had walked to get ice cream together a couple times. After that, she had gone to Bermuda for a quick vacation with her mother, and she and Matthew didn't get to talk much.
They reconnected after she got back, and they made plans to go to the To Scotland With Love event. That night had proved to be interesting in deed.
She didn't remember who had come up with the idea first, but they decided to kiss on stage. People in the show tended to put on some kind of skit to go with the modeling of their outfits, so they decided to play with the fans a little, and kiss. They both knew it's what all the fans wanted.
"I suppose this is our way of giving back to the fans a little, huh?" Kelly joked.
Matthew chuckled. "Yeah, I suppose it is."
So, together they can come up with a little skit where Matthew would be messing around in his kilt, acting like he was hot stuff. She would come over, slap him across the head, and then escort him down the aisle, where they would proceed to kiss.
Deep down, at least for her, it was a safe way of testing the waters to see what it was like to kiss him outside of Lily and Rufus. Sure, they acted like it was all for show, and sure, technically it was. However, she had enjoyed kissing him—really kissing him—without necessarily having to commit to anything. She was pretty sure he had felt the same way. If one of them didn't feel the same way about the other, it didn't matter because they could use the "just for show" excuse. It didn't have to mean anything, even though it secretly did to Kelly. She knew deep down it meant a lot to him as well.
They had laughed about the kiss, but she could feel it in his kiss, it meant more to him than just pretending. She felt the same way. Even so, they just laughed about it. After all, Caroline was with them, and they weren't exactly broadcasting their relationship to her. Especially when neither of them had any idea what their "relationship" meant exactly.
However, when they went to an after party afterwards, Kelly didn't know if it was just her imagination or what, but things seemed to have changed between them. Just like that, they seemed more like a couple. They goofed around on the couch, pretending to dance for the cameras. Then, at one point, she laid her head on his lap, and looked up at him. The way he placed his hand over her made her feel like she was his and his alone. It was only for a minute or two, and then they were off the couch, and enjoying the party. Still, it made her feel loved, and she found herself falling in love with the idea of them maybe being a couple. Who knew? Maybe the fans actually knew what they were talking about. Matthew was incredibly handsome, and she was nothing but happy when with him. She sighed dreamily. Again, who knew?
At the end of the night, they said their goodbyes to Caroline, and after Caroline left, Matthew said he had to be somewhere. He didn't say where, but they kissed each other's cheeks, and bid their farewells. Matthew promised he'd call her in the morning, and he had.
"I was wondering, I don't know if you' were ever into the movie at all, but the opening night of Ghost on Broadway opens up on the twenty-third. Would you like to go with me?" Matthew asked her.
Kelly smiled, feeling her heart pound. "I'd love to." She didn't know what was wrong with her, but she was starting to feel like a teenager on her first date. She was never like this with Matthew, but something had changed since the night of the Scotland event. She really was starting to develop feelings for him, and she was pretty sure he was developing feelings for her as well.
"Great! Maybe we can even get dinner beforehand, and make a night out of it," he suggested.
"It's a date!" she said.
He laughed. "Yeah, I guess it is."
She felt the butterflies in her stomach, and already had a shopping day planned to shop for something to wear that night. "So, what are you doing today? Wanna do lunch?"
"I can't. I have some work to do on a new project I'm coming up with. You know I'd love to if I didn't already have plans," he said, sounding quite sincere.
"New project? What project?" Kelly asked, unable to stop the smile from her face.
"It's called lightt. It's in the beginning stages, but my team and I are hoping to make it into an iphone app eventually," he answered. "You can record videos, then upload them to it. There is no sound, and they flash practically at the speed of light, hence the name. It's so you can show people what you want to show them without the all that time of them having to watch a half hour or so of recordings. It's in the beta right now, but we're getting there."
"So you have your own team, do you?" Kelly smirked. "Like who?"
He paused for just a moment. "Well, there is my friend Maria. She is from Argentina. She came to New York, and was looking for a job while I was looking for an intern. She knows her stuff when it comes to all the technical stuff I need help with. I hired her on. She and I kind of hit it off, and we work well together. We're becoming quick friends."
Kelly wasn't sure how to feel about this, but she didn't want to discourage him about a project he was clearly excited about. "Well, that sounds fun! You'll have to keep me updated on it."
"I will for sure. So, I'll see you on the twenty-third then. I'll be looking forward to it," Matthew said.
"Me too, but that's twenty days away. You don't want to get together sooner than that?" Kelly asked, only half joking.
Matthew laughed. "Ah, true. We'll get together sooner than that. I promise, my Darling."
"Have a good day, my Darling," Kelly said, inspired by his calling her Darling. He had started calling her that when they flirted around Valentine's Day, and she kind of loved it.
"You two, Darling," he said.
They both giggled.
They said their goodbyes, and that was that.
My time, my love, my effort, passion, dedication...
In case of mistaken identity I gave these things to you.
If I sound angry, bitter, sad, infatuated, it's the truth.
They went for ice cream again on the sixteenth. They also went to an event together on the nineteenth that was love themed. Matthew had treated her like a perfect gentleman treated his lady. Kelly hung with him the whole event. She felt herself falling harder by the moment. She couldn't help but tweet pics of the event, putting the word "love" on all the captions. Things were going so well. Kelly felt herself falling quickly in love with him. She knew they should talk about it. She needed to know if he felt the same way about her as she felt about him. She decided that she would talk to him about it over dinner when they went to Ghost.
However, the night before Ghost, Matthew bailed on her by way of text.
"Hey, Kel, I've been busier with Lightt than I imagined I'd be. Would you mind if I cancelled out plans for tomorrow? I need to work on some things. It's becoming very time consuming."
Kelly felt her heart sink as she read his text. She had gone out and gotten a beautiful red dress for the occasion. She had been looking forward to wearing it for him, and having their little talk about where their relationship was going. She sighed. She guessed there was always time for that later. She quickly texted him to tell him it was fine.
"Are you sure you don't mind? I suppose I could go if you were really looking forward to it," he texted back.
Kelly was tempted to ask him to go. But, if he was busy, he was busy. She didn't want him holding a grudge against her for keeping him at dinner and the play when he'd rather be working.
"It's okay. I understand. Don't work too hard. -K"
He texted her right back. "You're the best, Kel. I'll see you Tuesday night! I promise not to bail this time! Love, Matt."
Kelly smiled to herself. He signed it with 'Love.' She chuckled at herself. What a teenager she was turning out to be when it came to him! She quickly texted back. "I'm looking forward to it!" They were going to the Practical Magic Event Tuesday night. She was glad he hadn't bailed on that too.
"Me too!" he texted, then that was that.
That night, Matthew sent her a video of himself with a car full of young girls in the back seat of a car, and a girl who looked to be in her twenties beside him, driving. They were all singing Selena Gomez's "Love Song."
"Even the dog is a girl! Lol, I'm surrounded!" He captioned it. There was a pug in his lap.
"He doesn't look all that busy with work!" she muttered to herself. She couldn't help but wonder who the girls in the car with him were. She didn't really know how to respond to that, so she ignored it. It was late, and she was tired. She'd think about a response in the morning.
However, come the next morning, he had deleted his tweet to her, so she had decided to just let it go. It must not have been that important, she figured. Even so, that night, when it was around the time she would have been at the play with Matthew, it left a bad taste in her mouth. She wondered if he really was "working hard," or if he was singing stupid songs with random girls again.
She felt a little better the next night at the Practical Magic event. He was a little not himself at first, but later in the night he snapped out of it, and they had a great time together. He had cut out right after the event though. He said he had some more work to do with Maria. She was beginning to not like this "Maria" person. It was late. What kind of work could he possibly be doing with her?
"Was Maria in that video you sent me on Twitter?" she asked before he left. She hadn't wanted to bring it up, but her curiosity was getting the best of her.
Matthew blushed. "You saw that?"
Kelly nodded. "Why did you delete it?"
"I watched it later, and realized it was kind of silly. I mainly did it for Aven," he admitted. Aven, of course, was his daughter.
"Then why'd you send it to me?" Kelly asked, her eyebrows scrunched in confusion.
He shrugged. "I thought you might like it too, then I changed my mind.
"You didn't answer my question. Is Maria in it?" Kelly then asked again. She had gotten this far. Why let it go now? she figured.
"Yeah. She was directly behind me. Why?" Matthew asked, looking confused himself.
Kelly shrugged, "No reason. Just curious."
When she got home, she did a little investigating. She went into her history, and was able to bring the video up again, despite Matthew having deleted the tweet. She re-watched the video, this time looking at the one who was supposed to be Maria.
Boy was she surprised. The girl looked twelve! In fact, the first time watching it, Kelly had thought they were all kids in the back—including Maria. And here she had thought the one beside him was Maria.
She sighed, and closed out the window. She wasn't even going to ask who they all were. She didn't know what it was with Matthew and young girls, but it was unsettling—no pun intended.
They Twitter flirted, and things were semi back to normal between them after that. But Matthew was working on something or other in San Francisco, and she didn't get to see or talk to him much then.
The father of her children was currently living in France, so she had to go down for a couple weeks to be with them. She asked Matthew if he would join her. She hadn't thought he'd actually say yes. She wanted him to. It was just one of those spur of the moment things, asking him. She figured they'd just joke about it, and mess with the fans' heads as usual. It was a thing they both liked to do—get the fans going. It entertained them both to do so.
Boy was she surprised when he agreed to it! He even joked about her leaving the key under the mat. Some of his tweets to fans even implied he was going to be sleeping with her when he got there.
She felt her heart pounding hard again, and the butterflies came back to her stomach. Maybe he really did feel the same way for her as she felt about him after all!
She went to France with high hopes. Little did she know, the trip wasn't going to go quite as she imagined it would.
I had your back, I held you up, I told you you were good enough.
It was not reciprocated, you kept affection and yourself apart.
You fed your love to me like crumbs to pigeons in the park.
He did not meet her for the first few days, for he was still busy in San Francisco. She went to a few events by herself, but still had a good time, for she knew Matthew would soon be joining her.
He finally arrived. She was so happy to finally be with him again! They embraced, and kissed each other's cheeks—both cheeks in honor of being in France.
They hung out for a brief bit at the hotel, then went shopping together at a nearby shop.
"You know our fans are gonna want pictures, don't you?" he asked with a grin.
Kelly grinned. "As do I." She winked.
"Well, then let's get some!" he said.
"Don't you want to relax a bit first?" she asked with a giggle.
He shook his head. "We can at least get them now. I'll probably wait to post them. You know, keep them guessing if I'm here yet or not." He winked.
Kelly laughed.
"Besides, you look so beautiful. I want to capture it!" he then added.
Kelly blushed. "You're just saying that. I'm not even dressed up."
He gently stroked her cheek. "You're always beautiful to me, Kel. It's impossible for you to have an off day."
Kelly smiled, feeling the butterflies start to flutter again. She also blushed. "You'd be surprised. Actually, you look quite handsome too. I've never seen you on an off day either. I mean, you just got off a plane, and still look handsome and stylish as ever."
"I do try," Matthew teased with wink.
They then posed for a couple of photos. For one, she hugged him from behind on the balcony as they looked out at the beautiful view together. In another, she rested her head on his shoulder, and they smiled at the camera.
They then hung out together with Kelly's kids, and they had dinner together with the nanny. To Kelly, it felt very much like being a family. She wondered what had taken her so long to realize how perfect she and Matthew would be together. She decided that she would talk to him tomorrow night at the event they were going to for the Cannes Film Festival.
So, when the night came, she got all dressed up, and he got dressed up as well of course.
"We look hot together!" she said, testing the waters.
He grinned, and adjusted his tie as he looked at their reflections in the mirror. "We do, don't we? Just like Rufus and Lily."
She kissed his cheek. "I think we're hotter than Rufus and Lily."
"Totally!" he said.
They both laughed.
Shortly after, they got into a car, and a driver took them to the event.
She took a deep breath, and slowly let it out. She figured now would be a good time to talk to him about the whole more than friends thing. She was sure he wanted it to. She didn't know why she was so nervous. They had been friends for years. She had nothing to be nervous over, she knew. She took one more deep breath and slowly let it out, then was about to start to bring up the subject of them being more than just friends, but he spoke before she could.
"I know Maria will be interested in seeing video clips from our trip! I'm gonna put it on her and my site."
Kelly looked at him. "Lightt?"
He nodded.
She looked away. "I thought it was just yours."
"Well, she helped so much, I feel it's hers too," he admitted.
She looked at him again. "You sure seem to be spending a lot of time with her lately."
He blushed. "I have a lot of fun with her. We worked so closely together on this project, and quickly became friends. I don't know. When I get back to New York, I'm thinking she and I are going to become more than friends even. She and I just laugh together, and have so much fun! She makes me feel so young again."
"Probably because she's still practically a kid herself!" Kelly couldn't help but quip.
"She's an adult. She's well out of her teens, and will be out of her twenties in a few years. She's twenty seven. Besides, I'm a kid too, so it works well." He laughed, not seeming to get that she was upset.
You're supposed to stop acting like a kid once you have a kid. So badly she wanted to say it, but she kept her mouth shut. True, everyone should have a little bit of kid in them. After all, it's how you connect with your children. But this dating girls technically young enough to be his daughter was just gross. It wasn't the kind of "kid at heart" one should be. She knew he was a big partier too. He got drunk a lot. He was always a gentlemen with her, but she had heard stories—some from Matthew himself even—about his wild nights at the club. You needed to be mature to take care of a child, and though Kelly didn't doubt for one second that Matthew was an excellent father, she couldn't help but think he needed to grow up a little for both his sake and Aven's.
"So, you're serious about her already?" she asked next, looking at him again.
He shrugged. "If by serious, you mean, do I want to make her my girlfriend, then yes. She's so fantastic with Aven. They hit it off right away. And we love a lot of the same things. We like going the same places, and doing the same things."
She's good with Aven because she's close to her age, Kelly thought to herself. Anyone who loves kids would be good to Aven. She sighed. Well, so much for her "talk" with Matthew. She had been dumb to think that he would settle down with her. She wasn't his type. She was a woman, and he wanted a girl. She supposed he needed to be a father figure. A lot of guys went through that. Some stayed in the phase longer than others. Matthew was apparently, one of those guys. And here she thought he got past it after he and Leyla broke up. Apparently, she was wrong.
"We have fun together too, don't we?" Kelly asked. "And I'm not so bad with Aven, am I?"
Matthew grinned at her. "Of course! You and I always have fun together. And, not that you get to see Aven much, but you're great with her, sure! Aven really likes you." He smiled, then went to film something out the window. "This will be a great shot to show Maria, and put on Lightt!"
Again, Kelly sighed. She surfed the Web on her iphone, trying to occupy her mind. She guessed she couldn't be angry with him, as much as she wanted to be. It's not like he ever said that he had feelings for her that were anything other than friendship. Even so, Kelly was sure that he must have felt the same way about her as she did about him at some point at least. Apparently, not anymore.
She wasn't going to let it ruin their trip though. She would pretend like nothing had happened, and they would have fun. And, who knew? Maybe after this trip, he'd change his mind, and realize it was her he wanted—not Maria. And, if not, she didn't want to lose their friendship over this. At least she had found out now, before she had fallen too deep. Even so, she had still fallen a little deeper than she wished to, for deep down, it still kind of hurt that he wanted to be with another girl. Especially one technically young enough to be his daughter.
Sometimes I think you're satisfied to see me begging like a dog.
I wasn't armored, you were king, I gave my everything.
They smiled pretty for the cameras. Matthew held her shawl for her, and kept an arm around her waist. She placed her hand overtop of his, and they talked with reporters, acting flirty with each other. Kelly didn't know why Matthew was so into playing like they were a couple for the cameras. What was the point if he didn't want her like that? He always said it was for the fans' sakes, but enough was enough. Still, she hated herself for it, but she couldn't turn her feelings off for him just because they weren't reciprocated, so she went along with it, and had fun with it as well.
At one point, the photographers even asked them to kiss. They were both a little hesitant, but neither one of them really knew how to say no, what with all the flirting they had been doing. They didn't want to look like liars. Though, Kelly suddenly felt like a liar. All this acting "so in love," it was all a joke. She guessed, deep down she always knew it was. Still, another part of her had hoped that secretly, there was maybe more to it. Honestly, For not having feelings for her, Matthew sure enjoyed joking a lot about them being a couple.
She figured that maybe she didn't know him as well as she thought she did. After all, she had read him wrong. So very wrong.
The kiss was awkward to say the least. She could tell he wasn't into the kiss, and frankly, after this Maria stuff, she wasn't exactly into it either. She gently pat his shoulder as if to tell him it would be all right. The reporters had them kiss more than once. It was beyond awkward, but she figured they played it up well enough. After their last kiss, they both put on big smiles, and she waved to the crowd before she let Matthew lead her up the stairs, her hand in his.
They both let go of each other's hand once they were at the top of the stairs and away from the crowds and most cameras. Things seemed to have suddenly changed between them, and she had a feeling she wasn't the one only of them that knew it.
They did manage to have fun that night. They went to a club, and had a blast. She signed autographs, and they posed for pictures, and Matthew did act loving toward her again. She even kissed his cheek when he video taped them on his iphone.
Take that, Maria! she had thought. She didn't want to hate Maria. Still, she couldn't exactly find it in her to like Maria either.
The next morning, she woke up to Matthew having already left to sightsee. She bet he wouldn't have left Maria if he was with her.
She didn't let it get to her though. She spent the day with her children and the nanny, and met back up with Matthew in the evening. He had tweeted her a few things throughout the day, but she still couldn't help but be secretly hurt that he hadn't even bothered to wait for her. Especially since they only had a few days together. It ended up not even being the only night he took off without her. She was tired that night, and wanted to stay home with the kids. He wanted to party, so he took off to a club, dragging her nanny slash friend along with him. Again, she was hurt.
Those few days together went fast. They went to St. Tropez, and walked along the harbor. She clung onto his arm. Hey, if she couldn't have him, she could at least pretend to.
He tweeted the pictures of them finally, getting flirty with them in the process.
It was sad when he had to leave for the wedding in Rome.
They had kissed each other's cheeks goodbye, and promised to keep in touch. Then, he was gone. She supposed there was one good thing about him leaving. At least now, she could start at least trying to kick her romantic feelings for him to the curb, and go back to enjoying simply being his friend. It shouldn't be too hard, she figured. After all, they had never been technically dating.
His tweet to her a few days later saying that he wished she was there, didn't help much. He continued to tweet and text flirt with her. He even talked to her on the phone. It was as if he had no idea at all that she had fallen for him.
They got together once when she got back. He had asked her to go to lunch with him, his friend from San Francisco who was visiting, and Maria.
Kelly hadn't wanted to go, but her curiosity over Maria had won out, so instead of turning him down, she had agreed to it.
His friend from San Francisco, Joe, wasn't unkind. He just wasn't overly friendly to her. As for Maria, well, was nice enough too, but Kelly could sense something was a little off. Like Joe, Maria didn't seem overly friendly. She was as friendly as she needed to be, and no more. Maria wasn't rude. It was more like she seemed to be pretending Kelly wasn't there, only acknowledging Kelly when she had to, and being polite when she did have to acknowledge her. Kelly acted the same way toward her in return.
A few days after, they went to lunch, just her and Matthew, and even went back to the shop they had visited before, but then they bid ado right after the shop.
After that, Kelly didn't see much of Matthew. It seemed he was always in California with Maria, doing something or another with Joe and other friends.
Kelly went back to France to be with her kids after a couple weeks. Matthew had told a fan that he was going to meet her there, but Kelly knew it wasn't going to happen. In St. Tropez, he had only said a passing "Maybe I'll join you when you come back." She had agreed that would be nice, but then he had never mentioned it again. She figured that once Maria had agreed to be his girlfriend, he had no reason to be going back to France.
They hadn't talked much after that. They had filmed together only once, and Matthew was really late. He brought Maria with him when he finally arrived, and Kelly had no doubt that he and Maria had probably been screwing, causing him to be late. Her stomach churned at the thought.
Matthew kissed Kelly's cheek for a picture, because Kelly had promised the fans a picture. She didn't even know why she bothered anymore.
He in turn posted a picture of them from St. Tropez, asking her when they were going to go back. She ignored that tweet. It was ridiculous. He had the chance to go with her again, and he didn't. She was beginning to think he was just using her now to throw the fans off the trail of him and Maria. He was probably too stupid to realize the fans knew about his lightt sight, and watched all the sickening videos he posted of Maria anyway.
However, though she was annoyed with him, she still had her days of missing him. She wished they could at least start hanging out as friends again like they used to. It seemed, nowadays, he was too busy hanging out with Maria to bother with her.
She looked back on her old favorite tweets, and saw one where he asked her to join him for drinks at their favorite bar. She re-tweeted it just to see how he'd react. He responded with a "Miss You too!"
"You'd do something if you really did. You don't seem to miss me enough to pry yourself away from Maria for two seconds," she grumbled to herself.
They still tweeted each other once in a rare while, but it was just meaningless "I miss you's shared between them. She was busy in LA with her family, and then in France with her kids, and well, he was busy with Maria. He made sure to post videos of her every day. He followed her around like a sick puppy. He even taped her fencing in her sports bra, and dancing in her underwear while brushing her teeth. The girl had no class. Sure it was okay to have a little fun in private, but not for the public.
It made Kelly sick. She knew they were sleeping together, but she preferred to be in denial. Matthew probably wanted people to know he was sleeping with Maria. He probably got a kick out of it, she figured. It made her positively sick. She was just now starting to lose any romantic feelings she had for him, but it didn't mean she was ready to see the garbage he posted on his lightt. And it still made her slightly nauseous when she saw him kiss Maria in a club, no matter how quick it was. And, she was pretty sure see saw Maria lick his cheek at one point. Disgusting!
But, there was nothing she could do about it. Kelly knew that even if she still wanted him, Matthew didn't want her in that way. It was fine though. Frankly, she didn't need a man to be happy—not even Matthew. All she needed was her family, which she had, so she was good.
Kelly shut out of Twitter, and headed to go play with her kids. She loved Matthew, she really did. Still, she was beginning to think he was no longer the guy she thought he was. Heck, maybe he never really had been.
Because sometimes you showed me just a hint of you,
and then, for just a moment, I romanticized the notion
I can take away the torment. I can love you like they never did.