Did you ever feel lost although you were painfully aware of your location?

Did you ever realize way to late that a place that you thought was beautiful by all means, a place that offered all those possibilities, all those dreams come true in fact marked the prison of your restless, longing self?

Believe me, it is not fun. And it is probably the reason why I'm lying on my tiled kitchenfloor right now with a half-empty bottle of rum in my hand.

Today is your birthday, the third year that I can't hug you and you wish you a Happy Birthday because there is an ocean between us.

So I'm lying here instead, pathetically taking a sip out of my bottle every now and then as I ponder upon teasingly captivating memories of my childhood.

You and me, we were always together, always first best friends and then sisters. Our parents never really cared about us, so we didn't care about them.Which was the reason why we were lying in the grass at two in the morning, staring at the seemingly endless shining stars above us. You'll never forget the nightsky once you've seen it in Iowa. I remember being sad because we didn't have the money to go to Florida this summer, something we dreamed about doing while sitting in our room at home during those never-ending winterdays.

That night, you wiped the tears off of my cheeks, put the stubborn strains of my blonde hair behind my ears and told me that someday, we will both live in Florida. At the beach.

"Most importantly," you said, "we will always be together! And even if we are not, you just have to look at the stars, and you'll know that I do the same. Because we are sisters and we will be sisters forever!"

So you took my hand and I snuggled up close to you and once again you made the world look just a little bit brighter for me.

Where I am now, you can't see the stars. The only thing that lit up the night tonight was the submarine exploding, shattering all my dreams, all my hopes, once more, kicking me in the back when I'm already lying on the floor.

I really try, Rachel. I try to believe you, try to always see the positive. I try to keep my head high and let nobody dig deeper than I want them to. But it is hard...so hard. The more I try to get of this island, to leave this freaky place behind, the more power he has over me, the more games he can play with me and the more pathetic I feel to each time hope that Benjamin Linus will keep his word this time.

You know, I killed somebody. I took somebody's life, held my gun up and pulled the trigger.It's ironic to think that I was bought here to create life not to end it. I shot three times and hit him twice. They punished me for it. They marked me, burned me and everytime I shower or get dressed I'm reminded of what has become of me.

But still, everytime I close my eyes, everytime I take a second to breathe, I see you smiling, your eyes telling me that everything will be okay, that someday I will see you again. And I realize, that it's worth it. It's worth all the pain and all the fighting. I'd do whatever it takes to get of this island.

And that's what scares me the most. I stopped caring. I stopped thinking.

I will not allow myself to back down, to feel again, until I can touch you, until I can hold you in my arms and forget everything.

And until then, I pretend. I pretend to be fine. I pretend to be everything they want me to be.

I'll play their games and do what they say and break who they want me to break...

And then, when nobody expects it...

When it hurts the most...

Then I'll break free