NOTES: Yeah, had this thought on a whim while my friend (and partner in crime) The Stupendous Jimbo started playing Star Fox Adventures for the first time and I was listening to his hilarious commentary. As such, I dedicate this fic to him.
Humor like this is uncharted territory for me and is usually more his thing, but I really had to get this out of my system before going back to more serious matters. Anyway, this should be memorable. Oh, and obviously I don't own Star Fox or Star Fox Adventures. Enjoy!
-Tricky Shot First!-
Every day, the Thorntail race of dinosaurs thanked the mighty Krazoa for gifting them with their sacred Hollow. It had been their home for as long as records had been kept on Sauria, and save for the occasional Redeye attack that their Earthwalker guardians would repel, life in the Hollow was relatively peaceful and carefree.
But everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. The day he appeared; the foreigner, the destroyer. All was lost as soon as he came to them, flipping his flying metal bird.
Fox McCloud, leader of the legendary Star Fox team and one of the most trigger-happy vulpines in the entire Lylat System, gently guided his Arwing to the designated landing spot General Pepper had provided him.
He slowed the fighter to a hover before he pressed a button, deploying the landing gear. A reassuring thud marked the end of his journey. He turned off his state-of-the-art stereo, which he had been blasting at full volume, and ignored the faint ringing sound in his ears.
He opened the cockpit and, instead of simply waiting for the stepladder to fold out like any sane, rational being, leaped up, did a bunny hop, and landed in a crouch with his arms in a V-shape behind him. His eyes darted back and forth in search of any hostiles.
Nothing.
"Aww, no audience? I got that entrance perfectly timed, too!" he complained.
He stood up and looked around the area, taking note of the lush, tropical setting and the trickling stream only a couple of yards away. The birds joyfully chirped in the trees and the air smelt crisp and fresh. It was a nature lover's paradise!
...Yup, Pepper had sent him to another shithole with no technology for light years.
'Speaking of Pepper, he should be calling me soon,' the mercenary thought.
He waited a few seconds. Nothing.
'Yup, anytime now.'
Still nothing.
'Um, yeah. You said you'd call when you detected my landing.'
Another minute went by in silence.
'Goddammit man, I don't have all bloody day to-'
"IT'S FRIIIDAY, FRIIIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIIIDAY-"
Fox yelped and leaped into the air before glaring at his wrist comm. Clearly someone changed his ring tone.
"I hate you Slippy!" he yelled as he frantically searched for the answer button and pressed it. Lately their mechanic had taken a liking to pop music, so whenever he needed his communicator fixed, Slippy would "accidently" set his favorite song of the week as the default ringtone. Sometimes, Fox would seriously question Slippy's sexuality.
A tiny hologram of General Pepper's face was projected in front of him.
"Nice flying, Fox. For a moment I thought you weren't going to make it!" he said with a laugh.
Fox forced himself not to roll his eyes. "Very funny, sir."
"Oh, I know I am!" he proudly proclaimed, completely ignoring the groans from his command staff in the background.
"Anyway, back to business. The area you landed in is called Thorntail Hollow. You can use your wrist comm at any time to contact either myself or Peppy and Slippy..."
Fox stopped listening to Pepper's rambling. He saw a plant in the distance blowing out smoke like a volcano. How strange; maybe he should touch it later and see what happens.
"...And I would go talk to those Thorntail guys over there to start with. Um, Fox? Are you listening?"
"Huh? Oh yeah, totally!" he said, still staring at the steam puffs rising out of the plant. Speaking of plants, perhaps he should find something to smoke while he was at it.
The General sighed. "Very well, I'll take your word for it. If you forget, remember you can call any of us and we'll point you in the right direction."
"Yup, whatever," Fox said. It was only then he remembered the most important question he had yet to ask, one that would prove to be the most pivotal of the entire mission.
"Um sir, yeah appreciate the mission you gave us and all, but I'm curious: why would you send me down to a planet with no technology, completely unarmed and stuff? Why couldn't I bring my blaster?"
General Pepper shook his head, the slightest of smirks showing at the corner of his lip. "It's always the same with you, Fox-shoot first, ask questions later."
"Well, yeah. I mean I'm a mercenary. That's what a 'hired gun' does."
"But this mission is about saving the planet, not blowing it up! Try using-"
"Saving it? Look, General, I get what you're saying, and I give you brownie points and all for trying to provide me with a rational explanation as to why you would send me, a mercenary-for-hire, on a foreign, potentially hostile planet unarmed-and I'm gonna let you finish," he added before Pepper could cut in.
"But I'm part of a team that defeated a mad scientist's entire armada by shooting everything that came on our viewscreens in a linear, uninterrupted fashion. How does that kind of work make me fit to save an entire planet, unarmed? I mean, do you even remember the Lylat Wars? Why would you select my team and I for a milk run like this?"
"Umm..." Pepper stuttered, trying to form a response to such flawless logic. "You...needed money?"
Fox stared at the hologram for a long moment, his serious demeanor unwavering. He then let out a defeated sigh.
"We do!" he cried out. "The ship's falling apart, we only have one working Arwing, Falco left us a few months ago, Peppy's off his meds again, Slippy won't stop listening to shitty pop songs on my stereo, ROB keeps thinking the oven is a washing machine, and I can't even afford a bowl of freaking corn flakes! It's terrible, sir!"
"Then if you want to get paid, you have to play by my rules, no matter how illogical or convenient to the plot they might seem," Pepper said. "Put the planet back together, no blasters."
Fox sighed in defeat and nodded.
"Stupendous! Now as I was saying, try using your head for once!" he said with a bark of laughter. Fox really did roll his eyes this time. Nothing in the contract about pretending your employer's cringe-worthy jokes were actually funny.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever sir. Fox out."
Pepper's hologram vanished as he deactivated his wrist comm.
'Great, now what can I use for a weapon?'
Fox looked around the area, only spotting a stick close to his feet. Nope, too flimsy.
He looked at the steaming plant. While attractive and probably unstable and prone to exploding, it wasn't portable. Next.
He saw a glimmering light in the only raised patch of sand off in the distance. He walked toward it and saw that it was actually a silver and blue staff; no doubt one of amazing, mystical and alien power.
...Nah, too barbaric, not to mention un-stylish. Style was everything.
'Oh well, I tried. On to Plan B!'
He reached into his backpack and pulled out a gun. And not just any gun...it was his trusty blaster. Yup, Fox had disobeyed orders. His reason? He'd be damned if he went anywhere without his blaster.
He cradled the precious weapon in his hands; nothing like the weight of top-of-the-line-eight-years-ago Cornerian technology to make you feel safer.
'Okay, now what did Pepper say to do first again?'
Fox heard the crunch of grass behind him, followed by heavy breathing. Whatever it was groaned.
"SHIT!" he squealed as he spun and held down the trigger and sprayed red blaster fire everywhere, going full-auto on the sorry bastard who tried to get the jump on him.
When the smoke cleared, he found the charred corpse of a dinosaur, its eyes still open and mouth curved upward in a smile. It was unarmed.
He suddenly remembered the mission briefing on the Great Fox. Wasn't that what Pepper had called a "Thorntail," one of the friendly dinosaurs on Sauria?
"Oops," he grinned sheepishly, rubbing a hand behind his head with embarrassment. "Oh man, this can't be good."
He stared down at the mangled corpse of the dinosaur, noticing its small, little hooves desperately reaching out for him.
"Yup, definitely not good," he mumbled while shaking his head.
He paused, taking a moment to think. If the General found out that Fox once again lived up to the rumors that revolved around him, he'd be screwed. No way he'd get paid if Pepper found out he just killed an innocent, little dinosaur. Unless…
He flashed a devious grin as he reached into his backpack and pulled out a rather large hunting knife. He peered his head in both directions as he took a hesitant step towards the corpse. Nobody was looking. He quickly shoved the handle of the knife into the dinosaur's stretched out hoof before jumping back. With a satisfying grin, he continued on.
He was so thankful that Pepper hadn't written a clause in their contract about "dinosaur casualties." Dinosaurs weren't civilians, no matter how friendly.
'Whew...at least no one else saw that,' he thought with a smile. 'Now, back to the mission.'
He turned back around to walk toward that ruined temple in the distance...only to see about twenty more Thorntails looking at him, their mouths agape. Some were upset, while others were clearly enraged.
"Aw Hell," Fox muttered as he took his blaster out again. "This is going to be a long mission."
-18 Hours Later-
"Tell me again Fox, how exactly did you get your blaster down to Sauria with you? I mean, we did as the General asked and strip-searched you before you left."
Fox sat on his leather captain's chair, playing Minecraft on his laptop. "Huh? Oh, I just suppressed my stomach acids with a shot I gave myself last night and swallowed my blaster whole. Came out the other end midflight when I reached Sauria's atmosphere. Man, that wasn't pleasant."
Slippy Toad couldn't stop staring at Fox. "...What?"
Fox sighed as he took out a pack of cigarettes, taking one out and lighting it. He took a long drag before he blew it in Slippy's face. "Let's just say I know a guy from Earth."
"Um, Fox? When did you start smoking?"
"Few months ago. Same guy."
*Ping*
"Finally, the hot glue's set!" Fox said. He jumped out of his chair and ran over to Peppy's map table, where his latest trophy laid. He picked it up and climbed up a stepladder. He hammered a nail into the wall before he mounted the trophy plaque on it.
It was the head of a young triceratops, its expression locked forever in fear.
"Fox, um...why did you kill the Prince Tricky again?"
Fox shook his head, "I told you Slippy, he breathed fire at me! I had no choice but to shoot him before he killed me."
"But Fox, that's what you said about the Thorntails, and the Earthwalkers!"
Fox played with his fingers, looking down at them nervously. "Well...they were all hostile! Obviously driven to insanity after their planet broke apart. In fact, one of those bastards pulled a knife on me!"
Slippy continued staring at him. "Fox...why did you use your blaster on a friendly race of dinosaurs?"
"I just told you Slippy, they were hostile! One tried to sneak up on me just after I talked with Pepper. Luckily for him, I was ready with my blaster."
"But Fox, did he say anything?"
"Um...he moaned at me…And he had a knife…Yeah–big, freaking knife. The kind you skin venison with."
Slippy still wouldn't stop staring. "...Foooxxxxxxxx! He was just saying hello!"
Fox went back to his laptop and reset the minefield. "How was I supposed to know? His friends came after me when they saw me defend myself. And they moaned too!"
"...Foooxxxxxxxxx! They saw you fry their friend! What else were they supposed to do?"
"I don't know, I just acted on instinct. And my instinct told me to kill them all in a linear fashion, bludgeon their children to death with a conveniently placed staff, rob the shop keep who charges a hundred thirty bucks for a god damned carrot – I mean who the hell does that? Then I boarded my Arwing and launched Smart Bombs at all of the planet pieces and finally set fire to the surface of the planet itself. Yup, instinct; like Daddy always taught me."
Slippy's jaw went slack. "...FOOOXXXXXXXXX! We were supposed to save the planet, not blow it up and set fire to it!"
Fox looked up at his friend. "Huh? Oh yeah, right. Too bad, so sad, they shouldn't have tried to mug me... Least I got some bitchin' new trophies!"
He jabbed his thumb at his Tricky trophy and the blue crystal beneath it, which had a blue vixen encased in it. He could have sworn she was real; she had worn this glaring expression ever since he had found her. Oh well, at least she was hot. No more PlayFox for him for a few weeks!
"Fox, it's the General!" Peppy Hare said from his spot in the corner.
Fox nearly leapt out of his fur, his eyes darting back and forth from his trophies to the new flaming planet he had created.
'Shit!' he sweated. What was he going to do?
He yelped when a clay puppet was thrust in his face. Peppy pranced to the front of the chair, holding out his crude puppet Pepper.
"See Fox, it's the General!" he said again with a goofy grin. "My name is General Puppet, and I order you to save the planet, or you'll get the whip!" he said, moving the puppet back and forth.
He turned the puppet back around. "Yeah, that's all you like to do, huh General Puppet? Use us like we're your puppets, right? Well guess what General, things will change one day. Yeah, what now? Who's the puppet now? You are!" he shouted as he threw the puppet against the wall.
Fox rolled his eyes for the second time that day. "Peppy, just go back in the corner."
The old hare came over to Fox, a far-off look in his eyes. "You know Fox, you've become just like your father. He'd be so proud of you if he saw you today. He was such a great man, your father! Unlike that General Pepper," he grumbled as he returned to his map table.
Fox rolled his eyes for the third time that day. He definitely needed to get back on his meds. He still couldn't understand this hatred that Peppy had for Pepper that would manifest whenever he went through one of his "episodes."
An alarm sounded throughout the bridge.
"Fox, it's the General!" Slippy yelled after checking the Caller ID.
Peppy screamed at the top of his lungs and ran over to the broken remains of General Puppet, scooping them up in his arms before he darted back to his map table and hid under it.
Fox paced back and forth in a panic, cursing and nearly tearing his fur out as he thought of a solution.
His eyes darted to Peppy's box of animal crackers and the paper and pens next to it.
'Wait a moment...'
"Ah, Fox! Great to see you again," General Pepper said. "I trust your mission on Sauria was successful?"
"Oh yeah, no sweat!" Fox said.
"And? How does the planet look? Is it back together?" Pepper asked. "Let me see it."
"Of course, General."
Fox moved the hologram camera to the window, making sure to avoid showing his new trophies. Some things were better left unsaid.
Pepper couldn't believe what he saw.
There was the planet, completely circular once again, though surrounded by some strange black ring. The entire planet had a large, gigantic smile on its face, with eyes and all. There were small figures all along its surface, also with smiles. Clearly the denizens of Sauria were pleased with Fox's work.
Pepper stared long and hard at the planet, looking at it with different expressions and angles. Fox twiddled his thumbs nervously. It was a few more seconds before Pepper finally spoke.
"Fox, are those animal crackers?"
Fox took his hand back from the planet. "No," he said as he threw a denizen of Sauria in his mouth, chewing it loudly.
Pepper stared a bit longer at the planet, rubbing his chin.
"I don't know Fox..."
"Trust me, General, they couldn't be happier!"
The General squinted his eyes to the bottom left corner of the planet. "Umm Fox? Is it me, or does the planet have a small note on the bottom that reads "Made in China?"
"Well the planet didn't build itself, did it? Someone had to do it!"
Fox McCloud prayed to whatever benevolent god that would listen to him. His team needed the money badly; this would be the final nail in the coffin of the Star Fox team if he failed this mission.
"...but the locals sure look happy with your work! Excellent job, I'll write the check right now!"
He breathed a heavy sigh of relief. "Thank you, sir."
He watched Pepper take out a large checkbook. He clicked a pen and began writing.
*Rrrriip*
Pepper stopped and looked up. His mouth fell open.
The planet was hanging from a piece of clear tape. Behind it was a fireball surrounded by asteroids, the surface looking even hotter than Solar. General Pepper froze as his face twisted, looking very disturbed.
"Umm Fox?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Am I missing something?"
"The paycheck, sir."
"No, in the background…Is that…Is that a planet on fire?"
Fox turned his head and squinted at the burning Sauria. "It appears so, General."
The General sighed and shook his head before he continued writing the check. "Blasted Venomians…"
He continued writing for a few seconds before he paused again. "Wait a second, what planet is that?"
Fox shrugged. "Not sure, sir."
"Hold on…"
General Pepper tilted his head and continued to squint at the burning planet, shown through the cracks of the ripped post-it note Fox taped over the window. "Oh my word, FOX! THAT'S SAURIA!"
The vulpine flinched at General Pepper's sudden outburst. The regressive guilt of being caught nearly overwhelmed him. "Okay look, I can explain!"
Before he could continue, General Pepper ripped up the check and hung up. Suddenly out of nowhere, Peppy's voice shot out from underneath his desk.
"See? We're just his puppets! Puppets, I tell you!" Peppy bellowed before he got out from under his desk and resumed playing with his puppet pieces.
At this point, Fox no longer cared. Slippy frowned. "Foooooooox– "
"Slippy I swear to God if you don't shut up, I'm throwing you out the freaking window!"
Hope you liked my first foray into humor, reviews and favorites are always appreciated. Check out my profile if you'd like to read more of my work and some notes about this one-shot and other pieces that I've written. Thanks for reading!
-Sheik