"Happy Birthday; Henry the big 1-3 this year!" Emma patted her now teenage son on the back as he cheekily blew out thirteen candles on his cake.
"Hey Mom," Henry piped up to Regina who sat bored at the other end of the Charming family table.
"Yes Henry," Regina sat forward in her black slacks and dove gray sweater looking every bit the royal she was among all the Charming's simple jeans and t shirts.
"If I'm thirteen now, how old does that make you guys? Henry looked questioning at his adoptive mother who was doing her best impression of an indignant gold fish.
"Henry!" Snow fussed from her side of the table where she bounced a happy baby Neil on her knee. David for his part chocked on his drink, coughing and sputtering to clear his airway. Emma sat for a moment smirking while Ruby, Belle, Rumple and Hook all laughed out loud in the back ground.
"Kid, let me tell you a small secret of life. If you want to live to a decent age; you will never and I mean never ask that question to any woman ever again." Emma chuckled to herself and then curiosity took hold. "How old would you be your Majesty?" She looked deeply into Regina's eyes daring her to have this discussion. Lightening flashed through the older woman's eyes and for a moment Emma was afraid she might just have a fire ball coming her way.
"Well I was 12 when Regina saved me from my horse." Snow helpfully supplied, "you were what 18 maybe 19?"
"We are seriously going to do this?" Regina's husky voice was low and menacing from the other end of the table. With an aggravated sigh Regina answered. "Yes I was 19 and lived with you ten years before your father passed. That made you 22 and me 29."
"I was 24 when I was to be wed to King Midas's daughter."
"I left the castle when I was 23, so that puts me on the run two years before I met David. Oh my gosh I'm older than you are!" Snow turned to David with realization.
"So now we have David at 24, Snow at 25 and Regina at 32."
"I was 35 when I cast the curse." That was Regina's only answer to Emma's running narration of ages.
"Okay so 13, 27, 28, 30 and 35." Emma jotted the numbers down on a napkin. "Hook, how old are you?"
"Oh don't look at me love. A pirate never counts the tally's its bad form." He took another swig of rum and passed the bottle to Ruby.
"Ruby?"
"In human years or dog years?" Regina piped up for the end of the table.
"Ouch party foul." Ruby took another swig of rum before passing the bottle back to Hook.
"Grandpa Gold?" Henry asked next
"Really dearie you want to risk that wonderful present that I got you, to know a number."
"No, no I'm sure you are the oldest one here." Henry looked at Belle and then thought better of trying to ask Mrs. Gold.
"Fine you all are just no fun. So now that's the pre curse years; add 28 and 3 more years since the curse broke to everyone's age and you get Henry at 13 of course, me at 30 of course, David at 58, Snow at 59, and Regina at 66. Hook is O.A.D. and Mr. Gold is L.O.A.D. Old as dirt and lots older than dirt." Emma snickered to Henry while the rest of the room fell deathly silent. Regina and the Charming's sat staring at each other while the other four observers contemplated the idea of how much time had truly passed for everyone. Finally after what seemed like a long drawn out silent pause, Emma broke the ice.
"Wow Regina, you are totally hot for a Grandma." The napkin underneath Emma's hands burst into a small but quick flame and burned out. Emma yelped in surprise and rubbed her hand at the small singe mark. Regina clenched a fist holding the tiny flicker of flame ready to unleash her anger at Emma if she smarted off again. Snow turned and stared right at Henry over his untouched Birthday cake.
"And that Henry, is why you should never ask a woman her age."