I don't clearly remember the date when i first saw him. But i remember it was just the onset of summer. Our taxi drove to school like the usual routine and i looked outside the window, unable to control the tears streaming down my face. I didn't want to live anymore. I couldn't find happiness anymore. Things like writing, singing, reading and all those hobbies i cherished, they didn't relieve this pain i was living with. It was getting harder to breathe and control the desire to run the blade across my wrist in hopes of feeling alive. It was a nightmare i was living in. I was just so numb, so numb from the pain. I was useless, worthless piece of trash no one loved.
I still wasn't used to the name callings. And those slaps i clearly didn't deserve.
All my life i had strived to be the good girl so that i didn't loose to my dad's eyes. All i did was to keep him happy. My grades though weren't at the top, they were clearly above average and my talents were being appreciated at school.
But why did i deserve this?
What happened to dad?
He was supposed to protect me. Instead, he let the marital fights take their toll and let it all out on me. Those filthy words he regarded me with, those undeserved beatings, I wasn't sure if i really wanted to live anymore.
My mother, more or less was ignoring me, though sometimes even she slapped me and called it as my fault.
I was trying my best to protect my brother from this mental trauma but who would protect me?
I was breaking into pieces, nothing interested me.
I was getting used to crying quietly in my room with the lights out. And every once in a while, i would bring out the blade and make a small cut when i couldn't make sense of anything.
Atleast the pain brought me to reality.
Everything was shattering. Including me.
No one could help me.
Teachers ignored me, classmates ignored me, even my so-called friends didn't notice anything. I was all alone.
But then that morning i saw him. He was pale and his eyes were light. The sunshine was just peeking from the sky but clearly lit his image. For a moment i forgot my tears and just stared at him. I didn't know what love was.
The only man i had ever loved was my dad but clearly he betrayed me.
So i didn't know what this was.
'He's so pretty.' I thought as the taxi went on. A strange feeling bloomed into my tummy though i didn't recogonize what it was that time.
The next day i saw him again.
And i smiled. I hadn't smiled for so long (If you didn't count those fake smiles) and it felt so much...better?
It got a habit. Every night, when i used to hope to die in my sleep, i used to smile for i was going to see 'him' again. Though i still was the same old hopeless me, he gave me just that tiny hope that everything was going to be ok after all.
Now that i think of that time, it makes me beat myself for my silliness. But then, maybe it was right for just that time, to fall so carelessly for someone.
Recovery took a long time. I know it's still a long way until i will be atleast barely normal, when i won't have to use alcohol as a medium to sleep and be happy (Only occasionally i drink though and it's never more than a glass). But he was the reason i didn't end my life. God, i sound so much like a sappy love-sick puppy, you should've read my diary that time (Which is safely burnt to cinders) but when i think of that time and those feeligns, it does make me smile. Though i know they exist no more, i wonder how he'll react, the guy i fell for, if he read this entry. But he doesn't like reading so...i dunno.
But continuing, I was bit better than before. It wasn't like the abuse stopped but i could cope a bit better because there was someone who could always make me smile. He seemed so beautiful to me that time...
Then once returning home, a bag caught my eye. It was flouroscent green, on the shoulders of a boy walking with this friends up the other side of the road. Did you already guess who this boy was? Of course you did. It was him. And i might've just squealed that time. To me he seemed tall, his walk was confident and it just gave me stars, Lol, hear me someone, i might just be high.
So then i was able to see him 2 times a day. Yay!
I stopped cutting gradually.
I didn't need it anymore.
I hadn't reached to that stage yet when the cuts got deeper therefore, 2 years later, those scares have healed as well. They are extremely faint and only barely noticeable when you look closely but they're gone.
So, Thank you, S , you might've just made me stronger. And also taught me lots of lessons that needed to be learnt. You were like a ray of hope to me that struggled through the darkness that surrounded me and brought me back to light. (Ok, that was too much, even for a writer like me.)
My half-yearly result was terrible.
I failed.
I had never failed in my life. Not even on a test!
And here I failed maths.
I couldn't ever get time to study at home because of those fights and i was always severly depressed to do anything actually, except mope around so of course it was inevitable. Like i said, i had even given up on my hobbies.
But no teacher questioned how i dropped from when i had an overall 'A' grade last year to failing.
Failing!
It still depresses me, my grades just slowly rose up and i bet I'm back to average but from 2015 onwards, i have been working hard, my mum is finally supporting me and my dad is ignoring me. This is working for me now, I'll work hard for my aim, I am working already and though i get spells, it's a 100 times better now.
But i gave a retest and passed. I can't talk about my loss anymore, it makes me sad. Lets just time skip.
Now it had been what, 3 months? and i still didn't know that guy's name so i asked someone. Lets call her Megan. I told her about the paleness and the spectacles and also the bag colour and she said there was this guy and he liked me too.
I literally cried in happiness.
But turned out it wasn't him.
I searched him on face book this 'K' guy and it was someone else.
No offence, i bet that guy was really sweet and it was sweet enough of him to like me, but can you ever help who you like? of course not.
So i interoggated the girl again.
'Did you say florouscent green?' she asked.
I said yes, i told you yesterday too, and then she gave me the genuine name. 'S'
Ok. I got it.
I said.
Inside i was dying with happiness. (and anxiousness because i really wished this was the right guy.)
So, long story short, (I'm telling you, a long long story it is.)
I got better.
I stopped thinking of suicide or giving up.
I stopped cutting.
Though depression isn't going away so easily but it's a lot better now.
I even confessed on a confession site and he probably knows i like him and maybe even thinks i'm deperate or something.
But maybe if he knows why i behaved this way, he'd understand.
I used to like you.
A lot.
I maybe even loved you, who knows?
But thank you so much for giving my hope at those times.
We can't even be friends, you don't like dogs or reading.
But I'll never forget you.
You inspired me so much and gave my happiness by just existing.
I hope for your well-being and success in the future. And that you find love.
Please continue helping people like you did.
Thank you so much for making it bearable.
I just needed you to read this so i can rest easy.
This is probably the last time we'll talk though I'll probably keep liking your every pic, lol.
I owe you a lot.
Good-bye. :)
(Please don't make fun of me now, and don't tell anyone about this. Not a soul. Thanks.)