This is my first Twilight story, but not my first fanfic. I've been writing longer than (according to IMDB) Taylor Lautner has been acting. Of course, back then it was all about my Mary-Sue's love for Ronald Weasley, but we can just pretend that never happened. I hope the story's not a disappointment and somebody enjoys it as much as I've enjoyed writing it.
This is all Bella's POV, unless I state otherwise at the beginning of a chapter.
I don't own these characters, just the strange situations I put them in.
Life is full of choices.
Should I go to college or start a career? Should I pursue what I love or what's practical? Should I have my eggs scrambled or fried?
Alright, so some of the choices are mundane; things that will never really affect our lives. But then again... Sometimes life throws choices at us that leave us torn, reeling from the injustice of reality, feeling broken to our very core. Those choices come once in a lifetime, but they're so vital, so central to our being and so entangled in our very fate, that there is no way to come out of them unscathed, whether we've made the "right" choice or not. Once in a lifetime...
Well, for most people.
I, unfortunately, am not "most people". At least, I'm not now. Maybe once upon a time I could have been, but then a choice I made, one I thought I made not for myself but for the happiness of my mother, threw me into a new city- a new world. I had known perfect bliss, I had known deepest despair, and I had come out the other side sure of myself and my path.
Until that day. The day I saw him there, lying broken and nearer to death than he had any right to be. Jacob, my personal sun, had nearly died in an insane act of protection for me. It was my fault he was here in his bed, not wrapped in blankets but bandages... not sleeping, but suffering. And I felt a pull to make a decision which I'd thought I'd already made.
I had been so utterly sure of myself until that moment. I loved Edward more, I knew it. I knew it to the very core of my being. No matter where his involvement in my life took me, whether it be a moment of bliss while I lay in his cold arms or to the very brink of death itself, I seemed to gravitate towards him unconsciously.
But it appeared his absence, which now seemed a lifetime ago, had forged a crack in my resolve. It was a hairline crack at best, one that I hadn't even noticed myself until now, but by leaving me broken and empty, he had let someone else take a space in my ruined heart. I'd already admitted that I loved Jacob, but I loved Edward more... Or so I'd thought.
Now, seeing Jacob before me, grimacing while trying to smile (for me, always for me, and my peace of mind), the crack grew. It's edges spread and branched out, slowly for a moment, creating a web of delicate fractures. Soon enough, great chunks of certainty burst away like a dam that's finally caved to the pressure of an oncoming flood. My heart fluttered, my pulse raced, and my lungs seemed to tighten with the pressure of just how very much I loved the werewolf in front of me. Jacob. My Jacob.
"It's really not that bad," he said, trying to take on his normal joking tone but failing to hide his discomfort.
When I continued to silently stare at him, Jacob first merely raised an eyebrow, then slowly began to show his frustration. "Earth to Bella! It's a little late to decide werewolves are too weird for you, you know." He gave me a half-hearted glare before I finally shook myself out of my reverie.
"It's not that," I said, my voice surprising me by sounding somewhat breathless. "I... I think something changed."
Jake stared at me, his eyes wide and incredulous. "What changed?" he asked, confusion clear in his voice. If only he knew that the one thing he'd been hoping I'd say for so long was on the tip of my tongue... but I was about to disappoint him yet again.
Why? the impatient voice of my conscience asked.
I knew why, it was obvious. I loved Edward more. Edward was my life now, my heart, my soul, and my forever, as much as I was his. Right?
Obviously not, the same annoying internal voice scoffed.
Why couldn't it be Jacob? Why couldn't it be the dark-haired, ridiculously tall, goofy (but charming) boy in front of me? Why couldn't it be him that I loved, that I gave my forever to? What did I owe Edward, who left me damaged beyond repair?
Not beyond repair, the voice reminded me.
No, not beyond repair. Jacob had seen to that. When Edward broke me, shattered my heart and my soul, Jacob had gathered the pieces and slowly put them back together, one piece at a time. Edward was timeless romance and a future without change, while Jacob was warmth, laughter, and spontaneity. Edward was broken promises and apologies, while Jacob was the epitome of loyalty and honesty. Suddenly I saw two paths in front of me.
One with Edward, an eternal life of perfection. An endless night full of love of course, but also riddled with what would surely be tortuous thirst, endless moving on from "home" to "home", always grasping at the remnants of my humanity, and sometimes failing. Failure meant death, not to me, but any human unlucky enough to cross my path at the wrong time.
The other with Jacob... This one would hold love as well, but a different love. Less perfection and more struggles, but never with my own humanity because I wouldn't have to change for him. No endless night that made all of time bleed together into one infinite day, but moments of happiness and sadness and everything in between, all forming an imperfect but fulfilling life. I could see us together, some day getting married, some day having children, and... eventually growing old together. It wasn't such a scary idea, not in this context. Not even marriage sounded as scary with Jake, because I knew it wasn't something to be rushed, but something to work towards together, through the good and the bad. It wouldn't be a grudging compromise, it would be welcome because it would come only when we were ready.
Edward was safe because a future with him was predictable. Marriage, my change to be part of his family, and then forever. Jacob was the opposite. Choosing him would mean choosing humanity, and the spectrum of experiences it included, ever-changing and uncertain.
I vaguely wondered when becoming a vampire had become the "safe" route.
"Bells, you're seriously scaring me here," Jacob said, his voice betraying the real worry beneath his joking demeanor.
"I'm sorry, Jake," I said, shaking my head to clear it of all these stray thoughts. I didn't know what had come over me, but I needed to think things through. I always hated making decisions because I couldn't help but painstakingly go over every single detail, every thing that could go wrong and whether or not they outweighed the things that went right.
But isn't that what I just did? And which side came out on top?
The rest of the visit went pleasantly enough, as pleasant as visiting a horribly injured best friend (potential soul mate, my conscience corrected) could be. Of course, by the end, I felt like I'd only made things worse. I'd yet again assured Jacob that he wasn't the one I wanted, wasn't the one I was going to choose. I wasn't sure if he could tell, but I was trying to convince myself as much as him. He had tried to smile as he said goodbye, but I could practically see his heart breaking yet again.
As I walked away, I paused in the doorway. "Jake?" I asked hesitantly.
"Yeah?" he asked, his voice wavering slightly, and not from the pain of his injuries.
"Don't... don't run off. Don't leave me. Please. I just... I need a little time, but... Just stick around, okay?" I pleaded. His eyes widened, showing me that I had guessed at his plan, but that shock faded into confusion tinged with hope.
"Um, okay? What am I waiting for?" he asked, not daring to believe that the possibility I'd just so vehemently argued as futile was still a possibility at all.
"Me. Just me," I said, my voice fading into an unsure mutter as I turned and left.
That night, I lay in bed with Edward, a blanket wedged between us to protect me from the chill as he held me in his ice cold arms. A week ago- no, not even that, a day ago, this would have been pure happiness to me, unquestionably. After my startling revelation, after the floodgate of my resolve had broken with a resounding and earth shattering crack, I felt restless and irritated. Irritated at myself mostly, for not being able to feel the simple pleasure in Edward holding me to his smooth, hard chest. A flash of how very different it could be, how it could be all warmth with another heart beating in time with mine, left me sitting up with a gasp and curling my hands into fists of frustration.
"Bella! What's wrong?" Edward asked, concern taking over the previously content expression on his face.
I shook my head, unwilling to voice my uncertainty. It would hurt him too much. I couldn't do that to him.
I can't hurt him now, but how much worse will it be if this change of mind lasts? If it lasts beyond tonight, beyond our wedding day, beyond the day that will change me and mark my last chance to ever choose otherwise?
"Please," he asked, his topaz eyes searching mine.
"I love you," I said desperately, staring back and looking for the perfection that I no longer felt, waiting for it to slide back into place and save me from this sudden, insane confusion.
"I love you too... but why should that cause such panic?" he asked, attempting a light, teasing tone.
"I... don't know," I said lamely, my gaze dropping to my hands in my lap, still clenched into tight fists. His cold hands pulled my face up to look at him. His gaze flickered back and forth between my eyes until he let his hands drop, seeming dissatisfied with what he found.
"If you're having second thoughts about our marriage, we can postpone it. With Victoria out of the way, I see no reason to rush your immortality."
I shook my head again, but it was in vain. My thoughts were even more confused now.
"It's not the wedding I'm worried about-" He snorted, disbelief obvious in his expression. "Okay, so I am worried about that, but it's not just that. It's everything," I said, unable to say more.
He sat still as only a vampire can, becoming a statue before my eyes, before blinking slowly. "Everything?" he asked, his tone cautious.
"Everything," I clarified, wanting him to understand, yet hoping he wouldn't.
"You're worried about... us?" Time seemed to freeze.
This is it, I thought. This is the moment of choice, the one that could change everything... the one that could ruin everything.
"I'm worried about... my feelings. Not for you- not just for you at least, but for you and..." I was unable to finish.
"Your feelings for me, and your feelings for Jacob Black," he finished, his voice emotionless.
I hesitated. This was it. This would make or break my future.
I slowly nodded, the movement almost imperceptible, but only too easy to see with the heightened senses of a vampire.
"Bella, you... you know I want nothing but your happiness," he said, his voice breaking slightly, "But I had hoped... I had thought... Where did your resolve to be one of us vanish to? Your resolve to be with me, forever?"
I had done it again. Another heart broken. Great, that was just the sort of reputation I wanted. I never dated, never even thought about dating, until I got to Forks... yet here I was, breaking two hearts in one day.
I knew I couldn't remain silent forever. I had to explain myself. Maybe... Maybe I would figure out myself what I wanted, what I felt.
"Something in me changed today," I said. His mouth began to form a protest but I held up a hand, urging him to let me continue, let me find what I truly meant to say. "When I saw Jacob after the fight, I knew I wanted him in my life. I always knew that, sort of, you know? But it was different... Seeing him so badly hurt made me think about my future, about how he came so close to losing his, and about my potential futures, whether that be as a human or as a vampire." He made a move to interrupt again but I shook my head, unwilling to stop until I had reached a conclusion, whatever it may be. "I know, you want me to stay human, to grow old while you stay young. I believe you, you know, that you'd love me just the same. Before the... the time you were gone-" my voice broke here, but I blundered on, "it never occurred to me to consider another future. It may have eventually happened, if I hadn't gone with Alice to Voltera, if my actions hadn't necessitated that... I'm not sure, but now it's happened. I... I want that future. I've never liked grand gestures or fancy things. I've never felt like I deserved them, or that they fit me. Just, somehow, all of a sudden I don't feel like I fit in your world. Looking at my possibilities, looking at where I could be in the future... I don't see myself in big houses with expensive clothes and foreign cars. I see myself living simply, I guess. Simple, and normal, and human, but... happy. Content, I guess. Content in humanity and... with someone who is still more human himself."
He was completely still now, so that I was no longer even sure of whether he was listening to me. "I think I'd be happy with you..." This was it. This was the conditional ending to the proposition, the logical ending that would crush Edward and any chance of a future with him forever. "...but I know I'd be happy with Jake." As I said it, I knew it was true. I had reached my conclusion, one I hadn't even known for sure that I intended to make, but I could feel the truth of it with every fiber of my being.
He stood then, in one of those movements that was too fast for my human eyes to process, his face an expressionless mask. I scrambled to stand too, reaching out to him, knowing I had to let him go but irrationally unable to do so.
"Bella," he said, his voice oddly warm. "Bella, Bella, Bella..." he said it as though he were scolding me, chiding me for some pardonable slight rather than a life-shattering blow. "All I've ever wanted is your happiness," he repeated. He stepped forward and in a heartrending gesture tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear, smiling with what I could somehow tell was a false contentment. "If your happiness, your future, lies with him... I will leave you to him. I won't fight this, not if it will hurt you... not if it will cause you pain. But know this," a sudden fierceness entered his tone, almost scaring me with the earnestness, "if ever he missteps, if ever he hurts you, emotionally or physically, I will be there. I will be there to help you, to heal you, and most importantly, to love you." A tear slid down my cheek as he cupped my face, staring into my eyes with unfathomable depth and emotion. "I will always love you," he whispered. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, and before I could even feel that the cold press of his lips was no longer there, he was gone.
I ran to the window, tears now flowing freely, and called out to him in a whisper that was more a cry of desperation.
But he didn't come back.
He was gone. Truly, completely, utterly gone. Despite his contradictory words, I knew he was lost to me forever.
I collapsed on the floor of my bedroom and sobbed, clutching my once hole-riddled torso. I mourned the loss of Edward, all the while wondering idly why the gaping chasm of loss hadn't made itself known this time. Why, through the heartbreak and loss, I still felt whole, and irrationally hopeful. In short, I felt awful because I felt free.