Note: This story is inspired by Measured's "Everyone Goes in Time Out," wherein the goddess curses the royals to become children. Read it at archiveofourown works/ 8453926 .
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Ike woke up with a start, looking around his empty bedroom. Whatever had made that squeal was not in here, but it was still loud enough to wake him up from what – judging from the sun's position outside – had been at least a twelve-hour dead sleep. He listened to the world around him, hearing the squealing fading but the sounds of people arguing still going strong in the distance.
He sighed, rolling out of bed and pulling on a shirt over his pants. He couldn't tell who was fighting, not that it mattered. If people were already coming to blows when they literally got back to the fort yesterday, he clearly needed to lay down the law again. He left his room, following the sounds of yelling, although he got a little more concerned when he realized he didn't recognize any of the voices.
He threw open the doors to the mess hall. "Knock it – oh crud."
Rolf was five years old and crying. Standing beside him were Boyd and Shinon, both also five years old and yelling at each other while five-year-old Gatrie watched with worry. Rhys, who was also five years old, was breathing in and out of a paper bag.
The Greil Mercenaries were all five years old. The curse had followed him home. Ike face-palmed.
Well, not all of them. Mist was still herself and she stepped between Boyd and Shinon, keeping her arms spread to keep them apart. "There you are!" she said when she saw Ike. "Thank the – well, thank goodness you're still yourself. We have a problem."
"Your mom has a problem," little Shinon sneered.
"You be nice to her!" Boyd yelled at him, stomping his foot.
"Quit fighting!" Rolf wailed.
Ike scratched his head. "Yes, we clearly do," he said to Mist. "Any chance you still have a medallion with a certain goddess inside it that we can yell at for this?"
"You stabbed her like a week ago," she snapped back. "Shinon, Boyd! Go sit in time-out!"
It was Shinon's turn to stamp his foot. "Make me!"
She glared at him and picked him up, plopping him down at the table and pushing his chair in. Shinon pushed back, trying to get out, but he was stuck. He pouted and grabbed a bottle off the table and started to drink. Neither Mist nor Ike cared.
Mist gave Boyd a Look and he shuffled to the corner, sitting. "I didn't do anything wrong," he said with an epic pout.
The sad look probably would have worked on Mist if five-year-old Oscar hadn't waltzed through at that moment, completely impervious to his technically-younger brother's cute faces. "You have always had a bad temper," he said, waving a handkerchief at Boyd's face gently before walking back to the table. "All right, everything's clean."
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" squealed Mia as she ran through the dining hall.
"We need more girls on this team," said Gatrie wistfully as he watched her leave.
"Ew no, they have cooties," Oscar protested.
"Your mom has cooties," Shinon muttered, bitter.
Ike walked over to Rhys. "Hey, are you okay?"
Rhys nodded, finally putting down his bag. "Yeah, thanks. My asthma is way worse as a kid than an adult. I also need to stay away from furniture corners, dust, poison ivy, tree nuts, senators, and animals. And if I have a seizure, just let it go because I should be okay when it ends."
Ike blinked. "Wow, how did you manage to make it to adulthood?" Rhys giggled but didn't respond. Ike gently petted his hair, making sure not to touch his head just in case he accidentally killed him.
"Okay, let's try being nice this time," said Mist as she pulled Shinon's chair out, releasing him. "I will put you back in time-out if I have to." He glared at her, crossed his arms, and huffed. "Hey Ike, how did you undo the curse on the royalty?"
"I didn't," Ike admitted, running his fingers through his hair. "So here's to hoping this is a fluke."
"Maybe Ashunera is still alive somewhere," said Mist wistfully. "That would be nice… and make undoing this not so scary."
"I've never been religious, but I am willing to pray that this is going to wear off on its own." Ike folded his hands together. "Pretty please."
"You should be more religious," Rhys said before returning to his paper bag.
Boyd walked over to Rolf. "C'mon, stop crying, I'll fix your bow." Ike then noted the broken toy bow by Rolf's legs. Oh, so that's why he had been crying.
"No way!" Shinon protested, running over. "He needs to fix it himself! He won't ever be an awesome archer like me if he cries all the time!"
"You're a jerk!" Boyd yelled.
"Your mom's a jerk!" Shinon yelled back.
"My mom is dead!"
"Yeah well so's mine and you don't hear me whine about it!"
"I'm gonna beat you so hard-"
However hard Boyd was going to beat Shinon would never be revealed, as a flash of red stormed in between them. "SHUT" Tiny Titania swung her leg up into Shinon's head "YOUR" she turned and kneed Boyd in the stomach "DUMB" she grabbed both of them by the hair "MOUTHS!" she used her handholds to slam their foreheads together. The two collapsed to the ground.
She looked at Ike. Ike was pretty sure he should put her in time-out, but, could he fault her? He was pretty sure everyone wanted to beat up Boyd and Shinon once in awhile. "Thanks, Titania. As always, you're a good example." He ruffled her hair and she beamed at him. Gosh, she was cute. Ike wanted to keep her as a pet.
"IIIIIke, pretty sure encouraging violence isn't a good parenting technique," Mist protested without too much conviction.
"Better hope you never end up an aunt, then. Speaking of…" Ike glanced around, "Where did Soren run off to?"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Mia ran through again.
Mist frowned. "You know, I'm not sure. Go find him, we've got things here."
Ike left to the sounds of her rebuking Gatrie ("Wow, you hitting on me is actually creepier now than it is when you're an adult…"), although he wasn't sure where he'd find Soren. Most likely their bedroom, or maybe the library…
It turned out he was wrong. Ike finally found a tiny ball of black hair and fabric tucked into a corner of the pantry, covetously nibbling on a huge cookie and hugging a loaf of bread bigger than his torso. When he saw Ike, his eyes went wide and he curled up around his food.
"Awwwwww," said Ike, suffering from too many emotions (guilt, pity, cuteness overload, déjà vu) to form a sentence off the bat. He sat what he hoped was a safe distance away – close enough to block an escape but far enough to not come across as threatening. "You can eat those, Soren. It's not a problem."
There was no response at first, but then a garnet-colored eye peered out between his folded arms. Soon the rest of the face became visible, chewing the cookie shoved in his cheeks.
Ike smiled as reassuringly as possible. "Do you remember me now? It's Ike."
He nodded, eyes wider than before as he stood up and walked over, bread still held to his chest. The look changed to one of confusion as he gave him a once-over. "Don't worry, I'm not actually this much older and bigger than you in real life. You're cursed. Does that sound familiar?"
Soren's little face looked pensive in a way that was very reminiscent of his adult self. Then he face-palmed.
"Yep, that was my reaction too." Ike looked at him thoughtfully. "Can I hug you?"
Soren blinked at him.
"Please? You're just… you're so cute. You're like a little doll." Ike held out his arms. Soren sighed and walked into them, not protesting as Ike scooped him up. "So cute!" Soren sighed again, but accepted it.
Ike carried him back to the mess hall, where things had changed since he left: Titania and Shinon were teenagers, while Gatrie, Rhys and Oscar were about 8, and Boyd, Rolf and Soren were the same.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Mia squealed, running through again and still being her little self.
Mist was cheering. "It's temporary! It's temporary!"
Rhys had been standing by her but he took a step back. "Sorry, I still bruise too easily."
"Great, so we need to survive until everyone's back to normal," Oscar said with a smile. "The good news is that with a box, I can now reach everything in the kitchen to make breakfast."
"Can I get like, all the beer with my breakfast?" Shinon asked, "I'm way too sober for this shit."
"Watch your language," said Rhys and Oscar at the same time.
Titania laughed at Shinon, which made her fellow redhead teen glare at her. "You got somethin' to say, Titty-anna?" She just laughed harder… and then she punched him in the stomach.
Everyone looked at Ike. Soren hopped down from his arms. "I told you," Mist muttered.
Ike suddenly realized exactly how Titania had gotten onto the warrior path: by being a violent and unrestrained teenager shoehorned into the military. It was hard to reconcile that with the motherly figure he admired. But now here he was, forced to say the five scariest words he'd ever said: "Titania, go to your room."
She sauntered up to him, tall enough to be almost eye-to-eye with him. "Make me."
He'd managed to drag her about halfway to her room when she shifted back to her normal self, and the change in size threw him off and sent them both tumbling. She laughed again, although this time it was joyful and normal and all was right in the world. She got up first, pulling him to his feet. "Sorry about that."
"I would face the Black Knight a hundred more times rather than deal with you as a teenager again," he replied solemnly, which made her smile more.
"Darn right you would." She patted his shoulder as they walked back to the others. "Do I still have to go to my room?"
"Are you kidding? I'd have to enforce that and I know better."
Back in the main room, everyone else was back to normal as well, with Rhys looking them over. Ike was kind of disappointed because kid Soren had been super cute and he wanted more cuddles, but adult Soren was good for cuddles too.
"Our lives are insane," Soren grumbled.
"I think we all liked you better when you couldn't talk," Shinon told him. Ike punched him in the face.
Everyone looked at him. "I know, I know. I'm going to my room," he said, resigned.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Adult Mia ran through squealing, and it was just another day with the Greil Mercenaries.