Wanted to try out something. This has been sitting on computer unfinished for quite awhile. It's Natsuki birthday so I thought why not post something and finally got this done.
Let me know what you think, yeah? :3
I have always been an impulsive person. You know the kind that instinctively 'do now, think later'. Ever since I could remember it has always been like this; from the time I could first walk and think for myself. Sure, it is not always as smooth sailing being so and I've had my share of problems from this but never was it as serious as I feel it is now. I think. Probably.
Never have I felt so much regret for having such a personality.
You might be wondering what it is that I am jabbering away about here. Sorry, that is me being ahead of myself. I don't do very well with explaining myself or for the matter, talking in general. Not that I have anything against socializing, I just don't know what to say. It doesn't help my case either that people find my silence intimidating. Seriously, I don't know what goes through their heads. I don't bite. Bark though, I might sometimes if I can't hold my temper. But bite, I certainly do not. Not unless of course you bite me first, then it is fair game and I will not hesitate to pummel you to the ground for having the gall to even think that you could lay a hand on me without facing the consequences. I like my privacy and personal space; remember that.
Oh damn, there I am going off topic. Where was I at again? Oh right. What shit did I get myself into that made me hate my impulsiveness. Okay before I start, I think that you should know that I can be quite slow so it takes me awhile to notice things. You can see why I get irritated when someone beats around the bush. I prefer if you just say it straight to my face.
That's why I don't bother answering or complying with those torrid pink letters I sometimes find in my locker. Why must they call me out to some predetermined spot and time just to talk to me? Can't they just walk up to me and say it? And why must I go to meet them while I am not the one who wants to say anything to Mr. /Ms. Unknown Person who supposedly likes me even when we have never met let alone spoken with each other before? They should come to me rather than me going to them, no? Am I being too unreasonable here? I really don't know. And why pink? I don't like pink. Can you use a different colour? How about blue? Or green? Purple?
Damn, there I go again. Groan. I'll start properly this time.
Ya see, I am in love (yes, love) with this certain gal. She's pretty (breath-taking actually), smart and nice. Yeah, you'd probably heard that one a few times already. Just humour me, m'kay? Creativity is not my strong point at the moment. I am in love with her and it took me awhile to notice that I was so. Mai says that she's surprised that I only caught now when she already had an inkling of it months ago. Was I obvious? I would rather think not. Maybe Mai is just too observant.
Anyway, this gal I am in love with happens to be my best friend (I know, cliché much?). Her name is Fujino Shizuru if you happen to be wondering. I say it now so you know the name of the person you should never ever lay your paws on if you don't want to die by my hands. If you think her name is beautiful, you should see how she looks like. On second thought, don't. You might want her for yourself once you see her and I don't really feel like bruising my hands right now.
I love Shizuru.
I really do.
That's why every time she's near me my heart beats erratically and I can't seem to calm my insides. Butterflies consume me and I can't stop thinking of her. Whenever I have thoughts of her in a romantic sense I feel two things; elation and guilt. Guilt because by being a person she trusts as her best friend, I can't help but feel like I am betraying her by having these feelings hidden inside of me. Like I am deceiving her; a wolf in sheep's clothing. Doing one thing but thinking of something else. Smiling yet unhappy on the inside. Lying to her every time she asks of my 'interests'. Finding excuses as to why I cannot go over to her house for sleepovers. We're supposed to tell each other our secrets and here I am hiding from her and top of that, lying to her.
I can't take it any longer!
I want to tell her my honest feelings. Whether she accepts them or not, I am prepared for the consequences. She deserves to know and I cannot keep locking my heart up anymore.
So how is the unsociable 'summer princess' going to spill the beans? I wished someone could've told me how to; I don't think I am romantic in any sense. Anyhow, these were the sequence of thoughts that went into my planning:
Shizuru likes chocolates. Those little tea-infused bon-bon ones.
She also likes violets. Preferably the ones actually violet, though any colour would be fine.
No letters. Neither my style nor my way of doing things. Direct approach it is.
The earlier the better. Lest I lose my nerve.
Should I invite her someplace? That might seem suspicious. Then again, she has no reason to suspect anything from me.
Somewhere not likely for there to be any onlookers. This should be private. Especially no fan girls. Most definitely.
Where would be special? All I can think of is the place where we first met. It is special to me. Hopefully it is to her as well.
For the sake of secrecy, Mai must never hear of this. That goes for Nao as well. And Chie. Aoi too. Anyway Kuga, you are on your own. Never speak of this and be discrete.
My plan wasn't too bad, right? In my head it sounded just fine. So I went ahead with it, giving my mental stamp of approval.
First on my list was to get the chocolates. Luckily for me, there was this little shop a fair drive away from my place that sold what I remember to be Shizuru's favourite. Now, I know you might chastise me for not thinking of making the chocolates myself. I did think of it in fact but such a notion was impossible and futile. The problem is there is this saying of me that goes by 'never trust Natsuki in the kitchen'. A good one I admit because it's true. For me, not a single dish has been made successfully ever without something burning in the process. The only exception is me mayo sandwiches. I don't know why.
Food poisoning doesn't seem like a good idea to me when trying to impress the girl of your dreams. So I better don't risk it.
The easier of the two to get were the flowers. Funny how the only flowers that seem to be popular around this time are the roses. Which meant plenty of violets for me to choose from!
With flowers and chocolates in my possession, I was ready to go through with my plan. My nerves were under control; my resolve as strong as can be. The time is right. Nothing could have stopped me. That was what I believed.
I could not have been any more wrong.
Now, on the day I was supposed to confess, chocolates and flowers were a really and I mean really bad choice in my opinion. Why? Because it's Valentine's Day and we all know what Shizuru would get on this day from her fans. Damn it. If I had known I would have never gone with what I have now.
At least now that I know about it I could think of something else I could do, right? Wrong. There's no time for that. Why? Because I only notice it now standing only a few metres away from Shizuru whom, by the way, is looking at me. Oh Mona Lisa!
See what I mean when I'm slow? It takes a HUGE MOUNTAIN of chocolates and cards right next to my beloved's locker for me to notice that it's Valentine's Day.
She waves at me and I freeze. I could feel my heart skipped a beat. My chance to silently slip away is long gone at this moment and all I have with me were my not so special chocolates and flowers which I should have thought to hide somewhere else than in my locker. How was I to know that she would be at her locker at this time of the day when she's usually in the Student Council Room? Luckily, the chocolates were in my bag. Not so luckily, the violets were in my hand.
And where does she turn her eyes to next after greeting me?
Ding! Ding! Ding!
That's right, at my not so empty hand.
"Ara, such pretty flowers."
"They are, aren't they?"
'Play it cool, don't mess up.' I kept chanting in my head hoping my nervousness doesn't show.
"From whom did Natsuki get them?"
"I got them from a florist."
"Ara, how nice of that florist to give you flowers."
"No silly, I bought them. I was planning to give them to someone."
A nervous chuckle escapes from me and I find myself unable to meet her eyes. Looking anywhere but at her, I notice a considerable amount of curious eyes upon us and that was when I decided that this conversation should be taken to another place.
"I see. I didn't know tha- Natsuki?"
I've managed to startle her by pulling her by the hand but she recovered fast, following my pace as I led her to my most favourite spot on campus. It was good that none dared to follow after us. Feeling my resolve tighten, I met her stare.
"Natsuki seems to be keeping a secret from me, I see. To take the conversation away from prying ears."
My breath caught and I could speak no words. Had she figured it out?
"So who is the lucky person that has caught my Natsuki's attention, hmm? Why did you not mention anything to me? It saddens me to think that you do not trust me enough to-"
"No! No! You've got it all wrong, Shizuru. They're for you!"
Thrusting the violets into her hand, I try to give her my best smile in hopes of conveying my sincerity. The face she presented to me was one for the life of me I would never forget; her stunned expression which slowly changed into what I would say to be the happiest expression I have ever seen on her. To think that this came from what I did! It made my heart bloom. She was so beautiful, I was entranced.
Before I knew it, my lips had already descended upon hers.
When I opened my eyes and felt hot tears on my cheek, I jumped and backed off. My cheeks flared so badly I thought I was feverish. But the sight of her tears! It was like I was punched in the gut. I felt so much fear and devastation in me, my heart crumbled. And I ran.
A bad feeling had settled in my stomach and I felt like retching till there was no more.
I hated what I had done; hated myself. I hadn't even confessed and already I stole her lips. Do you understand now why I hate my impulsiveness?
…yet, as I am running and telling all of this to you, there is a thought that sticks to my head. If she had really hated it, why had she not done anything to stop me? But she could've been too shocked to even react…
Suddenly I feel a hand on arm; a sudden force pulls me backwards and I fall face down towards someone else's chest. I hear light panting above me, the smell of vanilla tickling my nose. Within seconds my mind has already jump into the conclusion onto what the soft surface I feel my face buried into is and I am afraid to open my eyes for fear of what would greet me; I have no idea if it's because of the prude in me or that I think it might be too much stimulation for the very much in love me.
I know who this person is and frankly, I am scared to face her so soon after my cowardly act.
The softness I'm stuck in isn't helping very much for my thought processes either; the hand I feel at the back of my head is holding me in place (I don't think I'm putting much resistance either). I fear I might very well pass out soon if she doesn't let me go. On one hand it makes me so very warm and fuzzy yet on the other hand I feel guilt in taking pleasure from something that is clearly not my right to do so. My hands weakly push against her, trying in whatever power I could to resist her very inviting body- which as you know, is not very much.
"Silly girl. My silly Natsuki."
Suddenly I feel her head bend down, curling inwards, nuzzling her nose into my hair and breathing in deeply and I stand stock-still, frozen in place. Her other hand rises to tangle into it as well as she places her chin on top my head.
"Why did you run?"
The hand in my hair pulls a few strands tightly and it makes me tremble a little but it is enough to make me come to my senses and I immediately feel the strength in my limbs to be able to push myself away from her. Standing only an arm's distance away from her, I still hadn't dared to look her in the face; the guilt still weighing heavily on my shoulders.
"I shouldn't have ki- I- "
"Natsuki look at me."
Her voice had cut through like a knife and I found myself holding my breath at the tone, the words locked into my throat even if I had already been struggling before to let them out. Without warning, her hand reaches out and harshly pulls my chin up, her eyes locking onto mine as soon as my gaze moves away from the ground.
"Did you want it?"
"What?"
"Did you honestly want to kiss me?"
I have no idea what look is it she was giving me. Apart from the slight anguish I see tingeing it, the rest baffles me. She didn't look like she wanted to throttle me nor did it look like she was going scream my brains out -not that I have ever seen her do either but one could imagine her doing something like that after the stunt I just pulled. Shizuru was a passionate person and when she feels strongly for something, nothing would stop her.
"…yes."
I figure that since I have already come this far, why bother lying? As my best friend and the person I love, she deserved to know. Although, having my heart broken in the process is not something I look forward to. But I did say I was going to do this wasn't I? Didn't I say I was prepared for the consequences? Didn't I say she needed to know the truth?
"I wanted to kiss you because-"
Warm sweet velvet caresses my lips and despite my resolve to say those three words, it renders me to a puddle of mush before I can even let it leave my lips. A part of me somewhere inside my head is disappointed I miss this chance because it had been so hard to get the courage but the rest of me is going 'Oh My Gosh I am kissing her. I am kissing her!' and running around in circles before fainting from overheating. All is blank as I feel my knees go weak, her arm going around my waist to catch me. Catching my breath, I look passionately into her eyes a mere couple of inches from mine and by impulse my lips move.
"I love you."
And the smile she graces me is so dazzling and radiant, I feel the tears in my eyes just waiting to roll down my cheeks. Caressing my face, her gaze softens as she places a chaste kiss onto my lips. Whispering the words back to me in my reddened ears, she laces her fingers with mine and pulls my jelly-ish body with her as she glides away.
"Where are we going?"
"I am hungry, Natsuki."
"Oh. I have chocolates in my bag if you want? It's those little tea bon-bons you like."
"No, Natsuki. What I want now is something a little sweeter."
"What is it? Maybe I can get it for you?"
"Ara, you most certainly can get it for me, Natsuki."
"Really? Where is it?"
"Just follow me."