Chris Colfer hadn't always been this way. He hadn't always felt the need to just curl up on his couch with a bottle worth of vodka, Adele's album on repeat, belting out the feelings he kept inside until he couldn't take it anymore and just collapsed. Drinking and thinking until he passed out on the couch, harsh but true words ringing in his ear.

'Never mind, never mind I'll find someone like you.'

It should've been ridiculous, yes, sad even but Chris couldn't seem to care. He was broken. Again. His heart shuttered into a million pieces though he had been so sure that this couldn't happen again. He thought he was numb, immune to this sickening feeling of caring about a person way too much, your life revolving all around them, waking up with them on your mind and their stupid, fucking grin when you tried to fall into a deep sleep that was supposed to make you forget everything.

But still, after all these alcohol filled nights, meaningless make-outs with random guys in shady bars, hats and sunglasses covering your face so the paparazzo wouldn't react as quickly to get you into trouble, it still hurt. Wrenched his heart and reminded him how he was still human. Still a young man, desperate to be loved by someone the way he wanted. The way he did.

Chris wasn't one to talk about feelings. He wasn't even sure if he did the whole feelings thing. All he knew was that he used to. He used to be happy, fall in love and just enjoy the feeling of another person being there with you, taking your breath away and setting your body on fire with their touch, but not anymore.

He was sure there was no hope left, no love, no nothing. Maybe he just wasn't made for it. Maybe it was god's evil plan to make him be miserable for his whole life, or karma, he couldn't care less. All he knew was that he was 22, single, lost. Lost in his work, eager to please everybody but mostly himself. He had never been good at feeling ok over the things he did, he saw all the flaws, every wrong decision, every little thing that kept him awake for another 47 hours before he could make it a wrap, telling himself that there was no way to change it but just live with it.

Live with it...yeah.
But why was that so damn hard?
Chris should've known better from day one.

He should have known the night Darren showed up on his doorstep, reeking of alcohol and cigarettes, his beautiful fucking eyes gleaming at him in the dim light of the streetlights, making them look all honey coloured and just plain gorgeous. He should've known when Darren had pushed him up against his wall, capturing his lips in a heated kiss that was nothing but tongues and teeth, clashing and making him dizzy with want. Chris should've known better the second the older man started undressing him, cooing soft compliments into his ear, biting down on the lobe just to flicker his tongue over it the next second. He should've known when Darren's bulge pressed against his thigh, making him feel that this was real and not just another wet dream that left him in the shower, blushing as he reminded himself that Darren was straight, his co-worker and on top of that his best friend. He decided just to not care that night, letting Darren have his way with him, rough and needy, hips grinding, skin slapping and sheets twisted in pale hands. He could still hear the deep moans and groans that fell from the older man's mouth, hotly in his ear, making him lose himself in Darren's warm, firm body pressing against him, sliding with sweat and fingers dragging through his ruffled hair, fingers digging into hips, leaving marks that wouldn't go away for another week but yet he had wanted it. God how he had wanted it and he knew he couldn't have it any other way.

It was the next morning he realized just how much of a fool he was.

He had to realize as he saw the bruises on his body, feeling the familiar lonely coldness of his bed spreading through his body, the slight burn as he shifted to look around, lips chapped and bitten. His hands clenching into fists when he saw the note lying next to him.

Chris wanted to laugh at how cliché all of this was but he couldn't. He just froze, reading the messy handwriting of someone he thought would never leave him like this.

Used and filthy, with his eyes still heavy with sleep and heart barely beating, the hollow feeling dropping in his stomach.

'I'm sorry.'

It was all it said. Nothing more nothing less. Just those sickening words and oh, how Chris hated himself. No, he wasn't supposed to hate himself over this right? It wasn't like he hadn't spent months with thinking about just this for nothing.

How Darren would smell, taste, feel but yet he knew he never wanted it like this. Or maybe he did and it was better this way but who knew if he couldn't even tell himself?

It was rough, getting over it and he didn't think he'd ever be. Darren was his best friend after all...but that wasn't what best friends did. They didn't fuck and kiss and tell each other how gorgeous they looked, how good they felt just to leave as soon as the other would be sleeping, absolutely blissed out, cuddled up against the other.

Chris tried his best to not be sad but feeling angry wasn't exactly helping either. He had never felt more used, more meaningless and it was killing him. He had tried to call him just to hang up again and one time when he actually made it to stay in the line until he heard Darren's voice, low and raspy it snapped. He threw his phone across the room, watching it shatter against his wall breaking down when he noticed exactly which wall it was.

He slumped down on the floor, pulling his legs up to his chest and just cried. Chris cursed Darren even more then, he rarely cried, hardly ever and the way how this man made him feel everything made him dizzy with how upset he was.

After weeks passing, too much alcohol and drunken whiny phonecalls that caused either Ashley or Lea to come over and take care of him like he was nothing but some broken child, Chris had finally found a way to live again.

He had focused on his writing so much there was no way it was healthy and then there it was.

The blue-eyed man was having breakfast with Lea, they weren't talking about what happened anymore. They both figured it was better that way, easier to make him forget. But as soon as his eyes flickered over to another table, where a man was sitting, sipping on his coffee reading his newspaper and Chris found those piercing hazel eyes gleaming at him on the frontpage, his strong arm wrapped around a girl, his brain only taking in the words "Darren Criss dating." and he felt like just going up to that man, rip the paper out of his hands and just tear it apart.

He felt absolutely numb, heart beating slightly faster and his eyes were just staring right through the brunette woman in front of him.

Chris could've sworn that Lea was calling his name, waving, trying to get him out of his trance but he was in too deep.

He got up, not saying anything, grabbed his bag and turned.

Lea got up just as quickly, leaving some money for the waiter before running after the younger man.
"Chris!", she yelled but Chris just kept on walking, fighting the tears that were trying to find their way out.

"Christopher!", she screamed this time, tugging on his arm to turn him around. "You need to stop!", the woman snapped, looking right into his eyes, finding nothing but pale blue orbs gleaming back at her.

"I can't.", he just said, walking away again. Chris felt tiny fingers curl around his arm, holding him there.

"No. Listen! You've been crying over him for two fucking months! He hasn't called, neither have you and you haven't even talked. Your scenes were awful quite frankly Chris, you can't work like that. You're adults and I know it's hard but gosh just keep it together a bit will you? So he's got a girlfriend now, it's not like you didn't know he was straight.", she yelled, feeling bad about what she was doing but that was what Chris needed, a wakeup call, a reminder of what was real.

Chris just nodded, rubbing the back of his head.

"I'm so fucking stupid...", he mumbled, eyes flickering away from his friend's. "I just...he was my best friend Lea and he...he just left me there without a word. You don't fuck your friends and leave.", he said, shaking his head. "I know it's not right and I'm being selfish and ridiculous for thinking it was more than that but it's just hard. I didn't think he would just...just gamble this thing we have away.", Chris confessed, walking slower now, next to Lea, hooking their arms.
"I've been lonely I guess...I still am but...I didn't see it very clearly then. I though...when he shows up at your door, drunk, willing to kiss you like that and...stuff. It would mean more to him."

"You should talk to him...you still have to work together somehow.", Lea reminded him and Chris nodded.

"Yeah...I just...I don't want to freak out and scream at him you know?"

Lea nodded quietly. "You should do it soon though. I know it's hard but it needs to be done.", she shrugged, hugging the younger man carefully. "You'll get around Chris...just don't let it get to you. This is just the way it is. We'll get hurt and we'll hurt people in our lives, there's no way around that.", she stated.
"You should go home now, sleep a bit, watch some movie, distract yourself."
"What do you think I've been doing in the past few weeks?", he said, snappier than he intended to.
Lea frowned but didn't say anything, she knew this wasn't easy for Chris so letting him snap was the only thing she could do now really.

When Chris was finally at home again, had written another four sites of his screenplay and watched two horror movies just so he could see if he still felt something, he laid down on his bed.

He wanted to sleep.

Yet he didn't.

The other man was hunting him everywhere. In his dreams, every kind of dreams.

Whether he was naked, writhing under him with dark curls hanging in his dark green eyes or he was just talking to him, telling him things his bullies used to say to him, it made it hard for Chris to actually forget about what happened. He felt like his life was just one big bad joke, making him feel miserable with everything it could.

He reached for his phone, typing one simple word to send it to Darren.

'Why?'

Chris didn't even bother to wait for a reply, he just tried his best to fall asleep.