The most terrible thing about being a boy hero is...?
Well you see, there's a huge list. I actually have it written down somewhere, but I'm pretty sure Uncle Vernon used it as toilet paper.
That's right, gasp. I'm Harry Potter. Oooooh!
But yeah. If I still had that list, Uncle Vernon using it as toilet paper would definitely be on it. And that time he used my homework as toilet paper. And the time he blew his nose on Hedwig. (He almost got his eyes clawed out, I had to send her to Ron for the rest of that summer.)
You know, now that I think about it, what is with Vern using my things to wipe his orifices? Like, really. There's lots of tissues everywhere in this house, and yet you choose to drag yourself up to my room, unlock the bazillion locks, and blow my nose on my owl? It's absurd.
I mean, well... At least he's not using me. No, that's Dudley. He gets colds so often, and apparently my hair serves as the perfect snot-rag. Gross.
Wait. Do you really want to be hearing about this?
I didn't think so. Sorry, but I had to send Hedwig off to Ron's again, Uncle dearest tried to use her as toilet paper (again). You're the only one I've got to vent to.
God my life sucks. (I mean Merlin, I'm so sorry.)
You know, I fantasize every day about mailing Voldemort and asking him to please slaughter my relatives.
But why don't you do that then?! You say. (Can you tell I'm making you sound uppity? Because you have no mouth here, ha. Ha, ha.)
Well maybe it's because I don't feel like becoming evil and joining the dark side! Not even if he's my father.
You know, it just occured to me that, what with this nattering on, I haven't even started telling the story yet.
Or maybe there isn't one! That'll show the readers, ha. Read all of this, just for no story... Boo hoo.
Fine, so there is one. G-Merlin, I mean.