A/N: This fic is for writtendust for letting me brainwash her! Also for bringing up the marriage thing the other day...
A huge thank you to Klugtiger for the Beta! And thanks to Helen8462 for helping talk through ideas for the ending.
Ending the Resistance
She sighed with relief as she entered her quarters for the first time in who knows how long. The Hirogen had really made themselves at home, and she turned up her nose at the idea that one of them had been using her quarters as their own. Hopefully just one.
Noticing a picture frame upside down on the floor, she walked towards it, picking it up. It was a photo of her with Mark, the glass all smashed. She had been intending to put it away after she had received the letter from him, or at least replace it with a picture of her dog, or her family…something else.
Yet here it was, in pieces, a reminder of the relationship that she thought she was returning home to.
She heard a noise behind her and turned around to see Chakotay standing in her doorway.
'The door was still open…' he started to explain.
She shrugged and smiled slightly. 'If you choose to invite yourself in I'm going to order you to help me clean it up.'
He laughed, entering and making sure the doors closed behind him.
'It actually doesn't look nearly as bad as my quarters,' he sighed as he said it, then nodded at the photo frame in her hand. 'Something important?'
She looked at it again, smiling sadly. 'It's Mark and I, I was intending to replace it anyway, but I guess now I should just throw it all out.'
'You don't need to pretend your relationship with him never existed,' Chakotay offered. 'And the glass is replaceable.'
'It's probably better I don't cling to the past,' she replied, walking towards the replicator and placing the frame and the image in it to recycle.
She felt slightly better about that, turning around to see Chakotay's sad smile. She felt her insides constrict a little as she remembered the way he had insisted on following her when he didn't even know who she was. Always by her side, always loyal.
And the way he he'd spoken about wanting to make sure that his people got home no matter what had really struck her.
She had always admired his loyalty but there was something about knowing it was there even without his memory that deepened her admiration. She wished there was a way to tell him that without crossing the line they were already standing far too close to.
'You said your quarters were worse?' she asked.
'Yes, it looks like someone may have had a bit of a temper tantrum in there, everything was thrown around,' he muttered. 'I don't think there's too much damage of my personal belongings, but my furniture is mostly destroyed.'
'We'll get to fixing that first thing in the morning, and if you require a place to sleep, my sofa is free,' she indicated the sofa.
She felt her stomach twist in a knot. Why had she just offered that? Or was that why he had come here in the first place?
She tried to shake it. Him sleeping on the sofa technically meant he would be sleeping further in distance from her than he usually did, given how thin the bulkheads between their quarters were.
'Drink?' she offered.
'I'll pass,' he responded, then added, 'On the drink. A place to sleep I'll gladly accept.'
'Do you mind if I have one?' she asked, only to be polite.
She was definitely going to need a drink if he was staying here.
He laughed. 'They're your quarters.'
She watched him while she poured herself a glass of cider, observing as he picked up some items from the floor and placed them back in their right spots, not even needing to ask where they belonged.
Taking a seat at the table she subconsciously reached for her neck and rubbed it lightly as she took a drink. The stress of the last few days had definitely taken its toll on her and the alcohol was doing its job well.
She closed her eyes, trying not to pay too much attention to the man cleaning up her quarters for no reason, pushing away all thoughts of how good he had looked in that WWII uniform, the innocent way he had smiled at her without even knowing who she was.
She wasn't doing a very good job at pushing the thoughts away…
Her eyes snapped open as she felt a hand cover the one that she had been massaging her own neck with and she felt her breath sharply exhale as his other hand joined it. Slowly he ran his thumbs down her neck and to her shoulders and began to massage the knots away.
She let her hand fall from her shoulder, but suddenly she was unable to move. Other than the fact that her hair was a lot shorter and he hadn't need to brush it away, she was taken straight back to a moment in time she had tried so hard to forget.
The moment he had first massaged her shoulders had been part of all her fantasies for so long that she had forced herself to file it away to a part of her mind she didn't allow herself to access.
She wanted to relax and enjoy the massage but she could feel herself tensing more and more the longer his hands kneaded against her muscles.
She wanted so much to suggest to him that they move things to her bedroom and never came out again.
But she knew better.
She reached up with one hand and placed it on his, intending only to stop him without saying the word.
He understood, but then she felt his fingers slip between hers and squeeze her hand lightly.
She stood up, turning to face him, their hands falling to hang between them, still entangled.
'Chakotay…' she meant it as a warning but it came out a little too quietly, a little too needy.
'I know, I'm sorry, you just seemed stressed…' he whispered. 'I just wanted to help. I hate seeing you like this.'
For a moment she let her eyes travel to his lips, she let that happen a lot more than she was willing to admit. They just seemed so soft and inviting, like the rest of him.
And for the first time in two years she let her mind wander back to another time, another planet, an existence she had once accepted was going to be her future…
She dropped his hand and made her way around the table, sitting down and indicating the empty seat across from her.
'We should talk about this,' she said sternly.
She couldn't read his face as he sat down. He always looked so calm in these situations, like it didn't matter to him what she was going to say and she partially wondered if it was confidence or just his personality.
When she looked into his eyes she knew better.
It was just that to him, it didn't matter what she said, his feelings for her were a fact, not a topic for negotiation.
The problem was over the last few weeks things had been strained between them – not in a bad way, but in an unspoken elephant in the room way, and she hated that feeling. She preferred things to be out in the open, even if they were things she didn't want to talk about.
'Okay, shoot,' he said after a few moments of silence.
The words seemed to refuse to come out of her mouth, or maybe she just hadn't fully formulated what she wanted to say.
Or more to the point, what she wanted the outcome to be…
'You know, maybe I will grab a drink,' he stood up suddenly, grabbing a glass and bringing it back to the table.
Almost as though it was his second home.
She watched him, realising that she was okay with that thought and at the same time panicking that the rest of the crew would realise that too.
He poured himself a cider as he took a seat opposite her, taking a sip before he looked back up at her. Perhaps she had overestimated how calm he was.
'I didn't mean to bring up old feelings…' he started.
'You didn't,' she replied instantly.
He looked slightly hurt. 'Oh.'
'I mean, the feelings aren't old,' she said quietly. 'They've never gone away, no matter how hard I've tried.'
He seemed surprised, his eyes lifting from his drink to meet hers and she was sure she could see a slight smile on his lips.
'How come we never talked about New Earth after we left?' she asked him.
He took his time, considering his answer, and she took a long sip from her cider as he did so. She wasn't even sure what she was doing. She wanted to cross the line, so much, but she knew she couldn't at the same time.
The smart thing to do would be to order him out of her quarters, finish cleaning up the mess and get an early night.
But she was sick of the loneliness she was feeling and he filled that hole so perfectly.
And that scared her.
More than the crew knowing about them, more than the idea she was going to betray Mark – those had always just been excuses.
Her greatest fear was losing another man she loved.
'I figured you didn't want to discuss it,' he said finally. 'I considered bringing it up many times, but the moment was never right.'
'What do you think would have happened had we stayed there?'
She knew it was a dangerous question but she was in a brave mood after the WWII battle and negotiating their freedom from the Hirogen.
A smile crossed his face and he looked back down at his drink for a moment before looking back at her, a look in his eyes she hadn't seen since New Earth.
'Kathryn, are you sure you want to have this conversation?' he asked.
'Yes,' she responded. 'I think we can't leave it unspoken forever.'
'Then you tell me what you think would have happened…' he replied. 'I wouldn't want to upset you with any presumptions.'
'I think…' she paused.
Why was this so hard to talk about?
She closed her eyes. She knew why. Because this was what she wanted, her darkest fantasy, and she was about to tell that to the person it was about.
But it was always him making the move, and deep down a part of her wanted him to know she felt the same, that her decision to keep him at arm's length wasn't about her feelings, but her responsibilities.
'I think we would have built a relationship between us, a successful, strong, loving, romantic relationship,' she whispered. 'Perhaps even had children. A girl and a boy. They would have had your courage and my determination. And I think we would have been extremely happy.'
For a moment she thought he was frozen, he'd definitely stopped breathing and he didn't move in his seat. Then, after a few moments, he reached out and took her hand across the table, holding it lightly in his as a smile spread across his face.
'I think that's exactly what would have happened,' he replied. 'What I still struggle to understand is why we can't have that here.'
'Because it's against regulations…'
She could hear how unconvinced she was. That wasn't the reason, she knew that and he clearly knew that too, but it was her excuse.
'Then we make sure nobody knows about it,' he whispered the suggestion, avoiding eye contact.
And when she didn't say anything, when she paused to consider the option, the look she saw in his eyes was absolutely impossible for her to ignore. She could feel his fingers tightening around her hand, and that combined with the longing in his eyes, the loving, lustful, adoration that looked a little like desperation pulled her in.
She reached out with her other hand and squeezed his.
She didn't understand - why this moment? After all the moments? What about this moment was enough for her to give in?
'Kathryn,' he said quietly. 'You know I love you, but…'
That was it. That was the reason for why now.
She wasn't sure why he stopped talking at first, then he smiled slightly, as though he realised something was funny.
'Kathryn?' he said quietly.
She didn't respond, still trying to compute the words he had just said to her.
'You're digging your nails into my hand rather sharply…' he laughed.
Instantly she let go of his hand, laughing as she did so and placing her head in her hands for a moment to take a deep breath. And a few more. Apparently she had stopped breathing for a few moments.
'I'm sorry,' she looked up at him. 'I didn't expect you to say that…'
'I almost told you on New Earth, but then I knew you weren't ready…' he smiled to himself. 'Actually I loved you long before New Earth.'
'So why now? What makes you think now is the right moment?'
'Because I saw it in your eyes when you sat down in that chair. I saw your walls come down for the first time in two years…'
She grabbed her drink and finished it before looking back at him. He was back to his calm look. How? If she had just told him she loved him and he'd not said anything in response she would be panicking.
Or was that the problem?
The fear that in this case, she might be the one who was more in love, that she would be the one who was hurt when it ended, or when he was killed. She couldn't deal with that again, not after Justin.
She watched his expression finally change as he seemed to read her thought pattern and she felt her heart sink. She didn't want him to be disappointed, she wanted so much to reach forward and take him in her arms and tell him she loved him too.
Because she did.
She had for a long time.
Since before New Earth.
'Kathryn, I didn't tell you that because I wanted you to say it back, I don't expect you to say anything,' he interrupted her thoughts. 'But I need you to know that's how I feel.'
Unable to find the words, she stood up and walked around the table, placing a hand on his cheek and looking him in the eye for a moment. She could read his thoughts – hesitant, unsure, hopeful.
And leaning in slowly she pressed her lips against his, lightly kissing him.
All panic left her system and all she could think about was all the possibilities, how the future suddenly didn't seem so scary.
Pulling back she looked at him, a smile quickly spreading across his lips as he opened his eyes to look back at her.
'That's what I should have done two years ago,' she said quietly. 'It's what I wanted to do but fear won. Fear that I would lose you, fear that Voyager would come back and destroy everything we had built, fear that I was betraying Mark, fear that you wouldn't love me the way I love you.'
He stood up slowly, taking her hand in his and using the other to push her hair behind her ear, lightly stroking her face.
'You know in my culture a female from another tribe inviting you to join their tribe, live with them and exchange food equates to marriage,' he smiled. 'So basically we've been married for four years.'
'Oh have we now? And if I wanted to divorce you because we got married under false pretenses?' she laughed and it seemed to catch in his eyes, a teasing glint reflecting back at her.
'If you think I'm going to tell you that, you haven't been listening,' he whispered in response, leaning in again to kiss her lightly.
The kiss didn't last long as she laughed and he pulled back, still grinning. She placed her other hand on his chest and sighed quietly.
'Chakotay, I told you once that I couldn't imagine a day without you,' she said quietly. 'And that's still the truth. And I don't want to imagine a day without you. Ever.'
'So you're okay with the marriage thing then,' he teased.
She hit him lightly on the arm. 'Oh if we're going to get married I'm going to need you wearing one of those formal Starfleet uniforms. Or your World War 2 soldier's outfit.'
'Oh you liked that did you?'
He let his arm slip behind her, pulling her closer to him.
'Mmm,' she muttered.
To her surprise he pulled her into a hug, his strong arms enveloping her, his cheek pressed against her hair. It felt strange, in the four years of knowing each other they had never once hugged, but within a few moments she felt herself relaxing into him, leaning her head against his chest.
'Kathryn, I don't want to let this go again,' he whispered. 'It almost destroyed me having to step back once, I'm not sure I can do it again.'
She felt the moisture in her eyes as he said it and she leaned back, looking up at him, his arms still around her.
'I don't either,' she whispered.
'Good,' he replied, pressing his lips lightly against her forehead before speaking again. 'Then, Kathryn Janeway, I would love to invite you to dinner in my quarters. Although it may have to wait a couple of days until I've cleaned everything up.'
'I'll have to check my schedule and get back to you,' she teased. 'But for now, since you need somewhere to stay, can I suggest that my bed is large enough to accommodate two?'
'What's the etiquette on sleeping with someone before your first date?'
She smiled. 'I don't know, what's the etiquette on marrying someone before a first date?'
He responded by picking her up and carrying her towards the bedroom. For a moment she was shocked, then she laughed.
'What are you doing?' she asked through her laughter.
'I'm carrying you over the threshold,' he proclaimed as he carried her into the bedroom.
He seemed to understand the glare she sent his way and he put her down calmly on the bed, hesitating before climbing onto it next to her.
The fear returned, suddenly it was real. He was there, in her bed. If anyone asked the computer for his whereabouts it was going to say he was in her quarters, and it was going to say that all night.
People would know.
She looked at him and just seeing his smile helped calm her anxiety.
'Goodnight Kathryn,' he said quietly.
'Goodnight, Chakotay.'