Tegan's POV.
Every song I've written, whether I like to admit it or not, has at least something to do with Sara.
Every love lyric in all of my songs have to do with her. I know that I said songs from The Con had to do with Lindsey, but they don't. I just made that up to hide my feelings for Sara. I know that I'm dating Lindsey now, but like I said its all a lie. I hate lying to her, but I just need a cover up, something to keep my mind off Sara, but still feed my relationship needs. But I'd end everything with her for Sara in a heartbeat. You see Sara is my identical twin sister and I'm in love with her. Go ahead and think what you want. Think it's gross and wrong and whatever else you want. I don't care because I know that the feelings I feel for her are the purest feelings I've ever felt. They feel so right that they just cant be wrong no matter what people say. I know it's right because I've felt this way towards her for quite some time now. About 14 years now, back when we were 15 years old. I mean I've always known. Even when I was younger than that, I felt something more than just sisterly feelings towards her. I'd get the tingles in my spine every time we brushed passed each other. I'd blush like crazy when we shared beds. I remember once when were 4, we kissed. Just a peck to see what it felt like after seeing our parents do it. We giggled afterwards and claimed we thought it was "icky", but I wanted to do it again and forever keep doing it. It was when I was 15 that I finally told myself that it was love.
We're 29 now and I haven't told anyone my feelings about Sara. I know I said I don't care what you or anyone else thinks, but I care about what Sara thinks so I never told anyone in fears that she would find out and be disgusted with me. If I can't be with her like I want to, then I still want to be her sister. I don't know what I'd do if she found out and hated me. I've fallen so hard for her and I just cant bare to lose her in any way. We've been in a band for like 11 years so I'm always around her. I love it, but hate it because I cant do what I want with her so I have to pretend like I'm fine. She dated our merch girl, Emy, for 5 years. Emy being our merch girl means she went everywhere with us which meant I had to see Sara and Emy date for 5 years all while keeping my feelings bottled and acting happy for my sister. Then they broke up and Sara was a wreck. She drank a lot more than usual and she still denies it to this day, but I swear she took drugs a few times. I know she did. I could hear her cry for hours in her bunk and I wanted nothing more than to crawl in there and hold her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear to help her sleep, but every time I went to ask if she was okay, she would tell me to get the fuck out. She isn't one for crying in front of people especially me. I was always the tougher twin so crying in front of me would only prove her weaker, according to her. I hated not being able to help her. I did everything I could, but the walls she built wouldn't let me in.
Anyways, I think you understand I love her now. More than anything. I'd give my life in a heartbeat for her. But the real problem now is that we have a series of very important interviews because our new record just came out and the interviews can only be held in Vancouver, where I live, which means Sara is coming over here from Montreal to stay with me…for two weeks. Normally she would've gotten a hotel, but she said she doesn't want to pay and that we need to hang out. I don't know how long I can keep my feelings hidden and act natural around her. Now here comes the hard part…its time to go pick her up from the airport.
I'm sitting on a bench at the airport now currently waiting for Sara to find me. Theres so many people, that I think I should be the one for looking for her, but I know that with just one glance at the crowd I could spot her face in an instant so theres no need for a manhunt when I can just look up every few minutes. I've been playing with my hands nervously now for about 5 minutes when I decided to take another glance. There. I found her. I can tell she's looking for me because her head is moving side to side quite fast. I don't want to call her name just yet because I want to take this time to marvel in her beauty without her catching me staring at her. She's wearing that black and white checkered button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up that I just adore. God kill me. She has a pair of black skinnies on that hug her legs and waist in all the right places and to top it off, she's wearing the famous red converse. Perfect. She looks absolutely perfect. An angel some might say. I say she looks more like a goddess. I know we look the same, but her features are better then mine and I've always felt she was the more attractive of us and was able to pull off any look. Her hair was still the same. Short with long bangs pushed to the side. Again, just perfect. She was still far away, but I could see her face perfectly. I focused more on her lips and imagined what they must feel like on mine…enough Tegan. Call her over. Now.
"Sara! Sara, over here!", I yell while standing up and waving my hand a little. She looks my way and smiles immediately and starts to walk over. I just love that smile of hers and the way she's walking over to me looks oh so sexy, even though I can tell her luggage is a little to heavy for her to carry so she's walking funny. How far have I fallen to think her walking funny with heavy luggage is sexy? Pretty deep I think.
"Tegan. I missed you", Sara says calmly while pulling me into a hug. Wait. Sara is hugging me? We never hug. Never. And now she hugs me? Well I admit this is strange, but I'd be a liar to deny that I didn't love it. I hugged her back, breathing in her scent. A combination of vanilla, strawberries, and flowers. Intoxicating. I think I just got high off her scent. So long drugs, weed, and alcohol. I found a new fix. Sadly our hug ended just as fast as it started.
"I missed you too, Sasa.", I reply honestly. I threw in her childhood nickname just to see her smile, which she did, and also a blush? Did I just see her blush at me saying her nickname? No. You're imagining things, Tegan.
"So," I got pulled back from my thoughts, "are we gonna go to your house now? I didn't sleep at all on the plane and like 4 guys were snoring very loudly near me. I think I have a headache."
"Umm, yeah sure. Let me help you with your bags and I'll get us a cab." I started to bend over to grab her bags, but suddenly she swats my hand away. I give her a confused look.
"Tegan, I know I'm younger, but only by eight minutes. I can handle it.", she states firmly while giving me confident look.
"You sure? I saw how you walked while holding them. Looked a little heavy for ya.", I smirk.
"…alright grab one, BUT only one.", she says defeated. I chuckle at this. She sounded so defeated, but I was so happy to help her even if it was something as small as holding her luggage. It made me feel important. It made me feel like a girlfriend. As soon as I thought that, I let out a loud sigh. Sara looks at me with a look of…concern? Weird. Usually if I sigh, she doesn't seem to care.
"Just a little tired. Woke up earlier than usual.", I say to tame her curiosity. She nods in understanding. We got out of the airport and walked towards the curb and called a cab. One stopped right away and opened the trunk upon seeing the bags. After putting the bags in, we settled in the back seat and I told the driver where I lived. I look over at Sara whose smiling.
"Why you smiling?", I ask
"Just excited", she replies with a slight high pitched voice. That confirms that she's truly excited.
"For?"
"Two weeks with my sister!", she exclaims. I die on the inside when she says sister. That's all I'll ever be. A sister to her. Nothing more.
"Why does that make you excited? We fight all the time, Sara."
"I know, but I love you and I just know it'll be fun." she's acting weird. She would never be excited for something like this. And she would rarely ever say she loves me. I wish that "I love you" was what I wanted it to mean, but I doubt it. I just give her a puzzled look for a few seconds and finally I nod.
"I love you too. More than you will ever know.", I whisper the last part to myself so quietly, that I couldn't even hear it. This is gonna be a painful two weeks. I hope I come out alive.
Sara's POV.
I'm now sitting in a cab with Tegan on the way to her house where I will spend two weeks for some interviews about our new album. I should be thinking about the interviews and how spending a couple weeks with my sister is probably going to be chaotic, but all I can think about is Tegan. Tegan. Tegan. The way she looked when I saw her at the airport. She's wearing the white shirt with the red sock covered legs sticking out. Along with black skinnies that she looks gorgeous in. She always had better legs than me and could pull off skinnies. Lastly, she has on an old pair of black Converse and her hair was about shoulder length and messy. I love it when her hairs messy. Its perfect. When I saw her, she had a goofy, gummy grin. The kind I adore so I couldn't help myself, but pull her into a hug. She smelt almost musky in a way, but a good musky. It's a heavenly scent. When the hug broke, I took a few seconds to examine her face. I got lost in her hazel eyes for just a moment then looked at her lips and imagined what they must feel like. I really did struggle with my bags. I wanted to seem strong, but she knows me better. I let her take one of my bags and I secretly loved it. It makes her seem like my protective girlfriend. What she'll never be.
Why might you ask am I thinking about her like this. Cause I'm in love with her. My own fucking twin sister. I know gross right? Wrong. I love her and that's all I care about. Fuck the rest. I wish she wasn't my sister so I could tell her how I feel without her being grossed out. If she knew my feelings about her she'd probably be disgusted with me and I cant take losing her so I keep my feelings secret. I've loved her ever since we were little kids. I loved spending every minute with her. We kissed once when we were 4. Just to try it out, see what all the fuss was about. That moment meant everything to me. I still think about it sometimes. I still feel her little lips on mine. I was a smart kid. I knew it was love from the very beginning. I knew we were soul mates. I just don't think she feels the same for me. We fight all the time, but I love spending every minute with her. I don't know why we started the whole "no touching" thing, but truth is, it makes it easier. I want to touch her all the time, but whenever I finally do, I want to ravish her with kisses, so I guess its better we don't touch, but I can't help myself. I think I might start breaking that rule. Earlier I told her I was excited to spend the next couple of weeks with her and that I loved her. Truth is, I am excited, but also extremely nervous. I think when I told her I loved her, it caught her off guard and I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. I told her I didn't want to pay for a hotel and that I should just stay with her. She seemed a little taken back by this, but agreed anyways. Money is no object to me. Its not like I'm rich, but its not something I really care about, and plus I have a feeling that something is going to happen these next couple of weeks. Something big, so I just had to stay with her.
On the way to her house, I think back to Emy. I loved her, I really did, but not as much as I love Tegan. Emy could tell something was up with me, i was becoming distant, cold. She broke it off with me eventually, telling me I needed to fix my "issues" before we could ever be back together. She said it pretty harshly, but I don't blame her. I was distancing myself, becoming an emotional void and trying not to think of anything, especially Tegan. It didn't work and now I'm single and Tegan has Lindsey. I envy Lindsey. She's an amazing photographer and a great friend, but she has the one thing I've always wanted. As long as she makes Tegan happy, though. That's all I want, is Tegan to be happy, even if I'm not the one making her happy. I take a quick glance at Tegan. She seems to be deep in thought and I wonder what she's thinking about and I hope it's about me. Don't keep your hopes up, Sara. The cab stops. We're here. We take out my bags, pay the cab, and make our way in.
Her house is clean. So unlike her. She must've cleaned before I got here. How nice of her. Her house is pretty much how I remembered it last. Knowing that, I immediately walk over to her white, sparkly kitchen, that has a hint of Pine Sol smell, open a cabinet and take out a mug. She's staring at me the whole time as if to take in my every move. I remember Tegan saying something about how her coffee maker broke so she bought instant. Good enough. I whip myself up a cup.
"You want me to make you a cup too, Tegan?", I ask to be friendly.
"No thanks", she says in monotone. Sounds like somethings wrong. I walk up to her and put my arm around her shoulder, breaking the no touching rule.
"Hey. Are you okay? You seem, I don't know, off?"
"Yeah I'm fine Sara. Just make yourself at home. I'm going to change."
I let her leave and do as she says. I sit down on her big black couch and set my mug on the coffee table which has three water rings on it. I love her to death, but she is just a pig sometimes. I reach for the remote and turn on the t.v. and sip on my coffee. Wait. I just remembered something. I got up and walked back to the kitchen and searched the pantry. I move around countless boxes of cereal. God is that all she eats? She needs more food. We're going grocery shopping later. I cant live off cereal. I wonder if it'll seem like we're a couple when we do go. Ahh. There it is. I grab the box and acted as if I was victorious for finding it. I walk back to the couch, sit down, and put my knees up to rest my chin on them. I sip some more coffee and dig my left hand into the box of goldfish crackers. Everything is perfect. If only the love of my life would finish changing and hopefully sit next to me. A girl can only hope.