Ok so here I am with a story. At this point in time it is meant to be a one shot. So I hope you enjoy. Please let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: I don't own the show or the characters.
It's wrong. It isn't how things are supposed to be. Isn't it amazing how things that you are taught when you are eight years old stick with you all your life? The worst part is these lessons you're taught are meant to make your life easier but for me, right now, they're making my life a living hell.
Brooke, she's my life. She has been for about a year now. We started dating at the end of our junior year. It was great and exciting and scary all at the same time. We had only been friends for a few months but there was something there. A connection I guess you could call it. Yeah I know everyone says they have a "connection" with someone but I'm not making this up. It was like she was this missing part of me. Like anytime we weren't together or weren't on the phone I felt incomplete. So I guess you can say I fell in love with her before I had ever even held her hand. Lust. You fell in lust with her.
Things were great up until two months ago. I'm not really even that sure what happened. It's not like I didn't know all along that being with her was "wrong" but it never used to bother me. It wasn't something I thought about because she was it for me. It was just she and I against the world. But two months ago that changed.
It was a Tuesday night. I was home alone watching American Idol. Brooke was somewhere hanging with Peyton. It was that night that I realized: something was missing. I didn't know what it was but I felt like I did before Brooke became my other half. I did my best to push the feeling aside. I told myself that I was just missing Brooke. I mean honestly what other explanation could there be?
As time went on the void got bigger. I did everything I could to fix what I thought was happening. I spent more time with Brooke, then I spent less time with her. I told her we should try some new stuff so we wouldn't get stuck in the same routine. Nothing worked. When we kissed, I felt nothing. Well not exactly nothing. I still loved the girl but I didn't enjoy it the way I had before. It's wrong. Those words kept playing over and over in my mind. I couldn't escape them.
Finally my conscious was catching up with me. The things that I had pushed aside and ignored for so many months began to haunt me and it was ruining my relationship with the girl I loved. So I did what any person would do that was trying to ease their conscious; I went to church. After months no wait years of not going, I decided to go back. Brooke thought I was crazy of course, but she didn't know the whole reason I was going back. I just told her that I missed it. I know I lied but if I had told her the truth then she would have freaked out. And let me be the first to tell you that a freaked out Brooke is not a fun Brooke to be around.
Anyway I sat in service that first Sunday feeling totally at peace for the first time in what seemed like forever. As I walked out of church that day I thought that I had settled my problem. I felt better about me and I thought that would help my relationship with Brooke. I couldn't have been more wrong. As time went on, I started pulling away unintentionally. My conscious still wouldn't shut up.
Now before you start blaming going to church on the whole mess I find myself in now, don't. Not once did anyone make me feel like I was wrong in anyway, shape, or form. I just felt . . . empty. I know I know I sound like a crazy person. There's no explanation for this. I started to feel so overwhelmed by everything. Brooke tried to help. She could tell something was going on but I couldn't bring myself to explain it to her. She wouldn't understand. She didn't grow up in church. She doesn't have the background that I do. There's no way I could have even begun to explain it to her.
We were falling apart and there was nothing either of us could do to stop it. It was killing her to watch us fall apart like that. I didn't want to do this to her. I can't stand hurting her. I love her.
It doesn't matter if I want to do this to her or not. It doesn't matter if I like hurting her or not, I am. The only thing I can do about it is: stop. I have to stop. I won't be the one to break her, even though I am. I'm breaking her. I could see it in her eyes when I talked to her yesterday. The spark was gone. She could see the end coming and I think that it was starting to be too much for her. I couldn't take seeing her like that, so I did the first thing that came to my mind. I broke up with her.
It was stupid. Now the void that I was feeling is twice as big. The haunting thoughts are gone and now I'm empty again. I feel like I broke my own heart. I mean really that's what I did. I shouldn't have let things get to this point. I should have talked to her . . . explained how I was feeling. But I didn't and now I miss her more than anything.
Why the drastic change in feelings? I can't really explain. Maybe it's the old saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone." I don't think that's it, though, because I knew what I had with Brooke before I messed it up. I knew she was a God send. So why did I all the sudden think that He wanted me to get as far away from her as possible? I have no clue. I heard a song earlier today and I think that it is the reason that I feel differently now. "It seems like I always fall short of being worthy, cuz I ain't good enough but He still loves me." That line in that song, touched me in a way that nothing has before. It has made me see that no matter what He will always love me. I don't have to worry about being perfect.
Maybe I should go see Brooke.
I hope you guys liked it. Let me know what you think. Thanks. )