A/N: This fic was written right after I finished watching 6x22 The Man Who Knew Too Much. It's Castiel's pov, his thoughts and feelings after he opened the Purgatory. Some of my feelings about the episode changed after I had time to process and maybe I would've written the story a little bit different, but I decided to keep it as it was and just post it.
I would like to thank my beta reader Tania for her help, along with Skylar who made sure the sentences flew right and gave me some tips.
Falling
Everyone left him, everyone betrayed him, after all he had done. The Angel was just trying to help. He saved them time and time again. But it didn't start with the Winchesters. It started with his father.
From the beginning of time, Castiel served God. Loved him, obeyed him, as was his purpose. He would've done anything to make his father happy, anything at all. But God left, without a word, without a sign.
He just vanished, leaving his children behind for the first time ever. And his children were lost. Without a father, without order, they didn't know what to do. So the rebellion started and the Apocalypse was close to come. But the angel still believed. Their father was somewhere out there, lost or hiding, it didn't matter. Castiel was set on finding him, on bringing him back so that he could fix everything. So that their family would be complete once again, and not the broken mess that it was now.
Then he saw the human, the one who was fated to start it all. He knew him before Dean was born, he knew him before the name Campbell or Winchester even existed. After all, God was gone a long time. Castiel watched as the boy was born, watched as his brother came to the world and he was there watching as Azazel infected his blood. Maybe there had been a way to stop it, but Castiel didn't try. It wasn't his place and he still believed that his Father's plans were meant to happen.
He watched Mary burn, watched as John Winchester became a hunter and raised his sons to be the same. But Sam rebelled, as was his fate and John and Dean became a family of two. And then John vanished and that was the moment Castiel really looked down at Dean, and saw himself. That was the moment Castiel knew the way to save himself was to save Dean. They were both abandoned, first by their brothers, and then by their father. They both still believed that family was what mattered most, no matter what happened. Castiel watched as Dean found Sam and stepped on the road that would lead him to hell. And while Dean and Sam were looking for John, for revenge on Azazel, Castiel started looking for a vessel, because he knew soon the time would come, and he would need to come down to Earth. Because if God wasn't in Heaven, or in Hell, there was only one place left.
So it happened that Castiel brought Dean back from hell. Maybe he could've done it before Dean broke, before the Apocalypse was started, but Castiel had his own plans. Maybe, he thought, maybe his Father would come back if he saw what had become of heaven. Castiel hoped that his father would come back and stop it all. But God didn't listen to the prayers, didn't hear his children's call, or he simply decided to ignore them for his own purposes. Just like John Winchester did, although when times were really bad, Castiel thought that at least John's final act of sacrifice was more than what Their father had done for them.
Meeting Dean Winchester was nothing like Castiel envisioned. The man was broken by Hell, yet here he was, standing proud and ready to kill. His brother was losing it, running with a demon, but still, Dean stood by him and tried to save him. Cas couldn't help but feel like he finally found someone who could fight by his side. His own brothers and sisters were lost in the game of the Apocalypse... They'd all given up on finding their Father and were now trying to restore the balance by creating a new world. A world that would serve only them. Somehow, Castiel felt it was wrong.
So he spent less time up there, and more time looking down here. He tried to help the Winchesters. Cas didn't like Sam, or rather, he disliked the notion of what Sam was. Someone whose blood was corrupted, whose soul wasn't pure, someone who would serve much darker purposes. And as Sam was turning more and more into the monster they were hunting, Dean grew more and more haunted. The images of Hell didn't just miraculously vanish and the feeling of being alone, of having to fight his own brother, with the fate of the whole world lying on his shoulders... It was too much for a simple human to handle.
Castiel knew how it felt; he felt the same weight. He knew what was going to happen, and that he could change the outcome. He just needed to decide. He didn't know how though. There were too many things... Good and bad occupying Earth. It was a beautiful land; Castiel couldn't help but be in awe of the beauty of his father's creation. But the land was occupied by people and that was something Castiel wasn't sure about. People were good, people were bad. No one was pure, not in the sense the angels thought about themselves. Every human could be corrupted; every human could do wrong or right. The world wasn't black and white, it was grey and blue and red... It was filled with colors and shades. There were too many colors and everything was complicated. Castiel needed to understand who humans were, how they thought, what they meant. He needed to know if they were really the image of his Father, if they were worth fighting for. He couldn't understand humanity as a whole, but he could pick one person, one person that could show him what it all meant. And who better than the man who lost his father, whose brother fell and who'd seen hell but was still ready to fight for humanity? In the end, Castiel knew that Dean was the only choice he ever had.
He never thought a simple human could make such an impression, and change an Angel. But he did. It was the small things, the jokes, the smile, the readiness with which Dean depended on Castiel, even though Castiel knew how impossible it was for Dean to trust anyone but family. They fought and they argued, about Sam, about the Apocalypse, about God himself, but in the end, they were ready to die for each other. Then Sam killed Lilith and opened the gate to Hell, and Castiel knew soon Dean would have to face his own brother, and one of them would have to die.
The apocalypse started, but Dean and Castiel were still fighting side by side. And when Sam left, thinking that the farther apart they were the safer it was for them, leaving Dean once again alone, Castiel was there. He was there when Dean dreamed; he was there when Dean was losing hope and when he didn't know what to do. He was there when Dean and Sam realized that doing it alone wasn't gonna work. For the first time, Castiel felt the pangs of jealousy. Despite all their history, the brothers were able to work together, to reach their goal. Castiel wished his brothers could be the same. He wished for the trust that was between Sam and Dean, for the love and the bond. He wished he could have the same family.
Instead, he killed an Angel. His kin, to protect a human. To protect Dean. That moment, something inside Castiel broke. Something separated a piece of him that became lost. There was no turning back. Castiel has chosen his path. From that moment on, he couldn't see the outcome, he was just as blind as the Winchesters, yet his path was more clear than ever. The bond between the angel and the human solidified and Castiel knew his place.
But things change.
The Apocalypse was stopped. Castiel died and Sam was in the cage with Lucifer. Dean lived the white picket fence life he never had. Things could've been good. But something...Someone... brought Castiel back. He was alive but he didn't know why. Then his purpose became clear. There was a new war to be fought. God was gone, or so everyone thought. Lucifer was in the cage and Hell had a new king, Crowley. But not everything was peachy in Heaven and Hell. There was a vacuum in the leadership, and as with such vacuums used to be, it needed filling. The angels didn't get their Apocalypse, but they needed their God. The kids grew up and realized that when daddy wasn't home, they were free to drive his car. Castiel feared that the car was going to crash though. So he went to Heaven, only to find that the one sitting behind the wheel and holding the keys was Raphael. And he was planning to take the car out for a sweet joyride, one that could very well go up in flames.
Castiel could either kneel before his new God, or fight back. The old Castiel would've knelt, without a thought of rebelling. But this wasn't the old Castiel. This was Cas, an Angel who had spent too much time with one human. This was Cas, an Angel who killed his siblings to protect Dean Winchester, who stopped the Apocalypse and helped to throw his own brother into the cage. This was the Angel who wasn't ready to kneel, not without questions, not anymore. The child had grown up.
So Castiel stood proud, and when his brother kicked him, threatened to kill him, he decided to fight back. The war in Heaven started. While Castiel was busy keeping Raphael from bringing on a new Apocalypse, the Winchesters were fighting their own small battles. Sam's soul was still trapped in Hell, a regrettable thing that Castiel didn't anticipate when he pulled him from the cage. Dean was back to hunting, leaving behind Ben and Lisa, and maybe Castiel should've paid more attention, should've helped more with Sam getting back his soul, but there was no time.
He had to fight a dirty war; he had to kill his brothers and sisters. And with each death, a little piece of Castiel broke off. He paired up with Crowley, despite the sick feeling in his stomach, despite his gut telling him it was the wrong choice. But Crowley offered him a way out of the war, and Castiel didn't see any other choice. He made a deal with the devil, knowing all along that he would break it. Maybe at the start all he wanted was to stop Raphael and restore the balance. But as time passed, more Angels and demons were dying, and the line started to blur. There was no black or white, it was all just grey.
There was no clear line between wrong or right... Demons were helping him and angels were trying to kill him, and in all that, God still wasn't replying to Castiel's prayers. And he prayed all the time, prayed for an answer, prayed for help. God wasn't there. He was still hiding, or maybe he had been dead all along. But someone brought Castiel back and the Angel still had some hope. He needed to know what to do. But there was no one to tell him. He wished he could go to Dean, to ask him for answers, to ask him for advice. But Dean was too occupied with Sam, too occupied with trying to kill Crowley, to stop them from opening Purgatory. Dean didn't know, but everything he was doing was helping Raphael.
He should've told him, but Castiel knew Dean too well. He knew that for all the good things Dean was capable to do, for all he was ready to forgive his family, he wouldn't understand. He would try to stop Castiel, believing that there was another way. The angel knew better. He knew that even after everything Dean went through, his world was black or white. There was no gray, no middle ground. Either you were the good guy, or the bad guy.
So Castiel didn't tell, didn't ask for advice. He still hoped that when it came to it, Dean would know which side to chose, that he would accept him and give him his trust, that he could forgive him. Castiel hoped Dean would give him the same benefit of doubt as he'd given Sam.
He thought he would get a chance to explain, but when the shit hit the fan Dean was too angry, felt too betrayed, to listen. When Castiel came after him to Bobby's house, when he tried to explain, to ask for his trust, Dean said no and that last piece in Castiel broke. He did everything for this human, just like he did everything for his father, for his siblings. He saved the Winchesters and their friends numerous times, but when it came to this, Dean pushed him away without a second thought, seeing only black where it was gray. Still, Castiel fought for the human. He fought for Ben and Lisa, he broke the deal with Crowley. There was no going back. When Balthazar came and lied to his face, Castiel knew he was alone, that his own brother, the last one he thought he could trust, had betrayed him. He closed his eyes for a moment, sent out a prayer to his father, the last call, but there was only silence and Castiel's fate was sealed. He held Balthazar as the spike went through his body, he felt his brother's surprise, the pain of his own betrayal, but he didn't care. Not anymore.
When Balthazar's body disappeared, Castiel took the blood and hid it at in safe place, knowing that Crowley wouldn't just leave it that way. He wasn't surprised when Raphael appeared, and when Crowley showed his own words at him, he handed over the jar with dog's blood and vanished. There was a door that needed opening.
It was funny, that after everything Dean told him, after the way he threatened to kill him, how he fought him, Castiel still couldn't watch him die. He now understood that humans were small and closed minded. He knew it wasn't really Dean's fault, that he was raised that way; that he couldn't understand. He'd forgiven him, just like his father would've forgiven. After all, humans were just children and children make mistakes. They needed to learn, they needed a father to raise them. Castiel became that father. He let Crowley go, knowing there were plans lying ahead for him, and he'd smitten Raphael with a snap of fingers.
After all that, Dean had the guts to step up and ask him to release the souls, to become an angel again. He told him they were family; that he lost too much, that he didn't want to lose Castiel too. That he didn't want them all killed. Castiel had to smile. Dean had had his chance, but he threw it away. There was a time when Castiel wanted a family, when he wanted a brother, when he was still looking for a father. But he grew up. He didn't need anyone's approval. Not anymore. The Winchesters had had their chance and they blew it. When Sam pushed the spike through his heart, Castiel almost thanked him. It was the last straw. The last sign. It was clear he wasn't part of the family; that he never would be. And he was okay with that. After all, the Winchesters were only small humans. He was a god. It was time the humans realized that. It was time for them to kneel down and pray for his forgiveness.
The End