Author: Lilas
Title: Then…
Pairing: Ran/Ken
Disclaimer: Do I have to do this?! Yeesh… The whole world already knows I don't own anything!! ~sniffles~
Spoilers: Drama CD 'The Holy Children', Episode 4 and the OAV.
Author's notes: I sent this to the Ken-Uke contest 'Blade & Claw' is holding, and I just thought I'd put this up. There might be a sequel, but I dunno. I guess it depends on you guys. It was really meant to be a one- shot.
If you guys wanna participate in the contest, go to http://www.kritiker.org!! We need participants (I hope Gal and Anna don't kill me for spreading the word…)
So R&R!!
***
It's warm outside.
This wouldn't be strange if it weren't for the fact that it's mid December and it's fifty degrees. Nor would it be strange if this wasn't the North Hemisphere. I wonder if it'll still be this warm in a week. It'll be strange to celebrate my birthday on a warm day. Usually it's always cold and close to snowing, but sometimes it rains. I hate it when it rains. The earth gets all muddy and ugly and everything is painted gray… I don't like gray. It's morbid.
A soft sigh escapes my lips and I squint to see the condensed air… Maybe it's just me. But I don't see it, a proof that it is indeed too warm for the season. I can hear Omi singing Christmas tunes downstairs even though there's a bit over a week left. It's kind of funny. I never thought Omi, of all people, would like Christmas the most. It's a family holiday, and considering his family relationship, it's strange. You'd guess I'd be the one to love the holiday the most with my kind of personality, but I don't. I hate December 25th.
Why?
It's a very simple question to answer, really. I've never had the best relationship with my family. Actually, no one in my family got along, expect my 'neechan and I. From the time I can remember, we always got along. Needless to say I was her living mannequin, but I didn't really mind putting on her dresses as a kid; I thought it was kinda fun. My mother thought it was cute too, and maybe that's why she never got along with my father.
My father was the type of person who wanted to have complete control over everyone and everything. He liked to pull the reins. Unfortunately, my mother wasn't the type of person who would easily allow someone to control her and from the moment she put her foot down about an issue, tensions would run high and relationships would falter. It didn't really matter what it was they argued about- whatever it was, it always became big.
I was young back then, but I'd be lying if I said most fights had nothing to do with me. My father wanted me to be a lawyer while my mother wanted me to be whatever it was I wanted to be- as long as I wasn't a lawyer. It was so confusing and frightening when they'd start arguing, they're voices rising to the top floor where my sister and I hid behind her locked door.
Things were always messy, but when Christmas rolled around, they'd get worse. The fights always began on the presents issues. We'd only get one gift each and, as usual, they always argued over my gift. My mom wanted to buy me sports goods while my father wanted to buy me a suit, or a computer, or a book on the law… I always tried to stay out of their fights, but when you're the cause for it, it's difficult. Especially when your father starts hunting you down and tries to convince you that his gift can be better for you.
I never paid much attention to the gifts. Whatever I got, I smiled and pretended I was happy about it. Then I would sneak into Oneechan's room and play with her until I fell asleep and she'd have to carry me back to my room. But then things got bad. It was nearing Christmas again and from my room I could hear my parent's usual arguments; but then I heard a loud slap and everything fell quiet for a moment… Those few seconds were the longest in my life.
Then I heard savage footsteps going up the stairs and the door of my room burst open; my mother stood there with her brown locks disheveled and a swelling red mark on her cheek. She stormed into my room, grabbed my six year old hands and led me down the stairs, her face angered and a glint in her eyes I had never seen before. She stopped in front of my father and stood there for what seemed ages before finally saying in a low, dangerous, and menacing voice that we were leaving.
It was the last time I ever saw my sister and my father. Even if I wanted to go back, I couldn't… I don't even remember where I lived. I stayed with my mom for three years and then she was in a car accident and was declared DOA. I was taken in by a local church and raised among orphans and nuns. That's where I met Sister and Natsuki. I got into sports then. It was a good way to relieve myself of pent-up anger and energy. That's where I met Kase. Those years after my mother's death were the beginnings of my end.
That's when I realized everyone I love betrays me and dies. By my hands. Always… Forever…
That's why I don't want to be with Aya, or Ran since that's his real name… I'm afraid. How can I know whether or not he'll betray me as well? After all, hadn't Kase promised that we'd be friends forever? That we'd be the inseparable duo! The Fantastic Two, even though that was wrong? He did… And he lied. How can Ran know he's not lying to me? How can I trust him and risk committing the same mistake again?
I've already died twice; I don't want to die again.
Christmas brings back so many memories I'd rather forget… So many happy times I'd rather never remember. It hurts. It kills me deep inside. I yawn as I put on a jacket- just in case it gets colder- and make my way down the steps and into the Koneko. I stop dead in my tracks at the sight greeting me and smile softly, the unwanted memories springing up from a half- forgotten childhood.
Ran is at the counter leaning over a book- a Christmas story book I think- and Aya-chan is next to him, on another stool, her arms hugging his left arm tightly while her dark strands fluttered past her face and pool around both of them. It's a sight that makes all my sufferings worth it. It's a sight that almost convinces me to allow Ran into my life.
Almost.
But almost isn't good enough. All I have to do is see his fiery hair and I remember the mission with Powell and his sword charging at me, anger set on his pale features. I know it wasn't real. I know it was staged. But that doesn't really help when I think that it could happen… That it has happened. Just not with Ran, and not with a sword. I'm still standing at the door when Aya-chan looks up and grins widely, a soft squeal making its way past her pink lips.
"Ken-kun!" In a flash she's off Ran and glomps me, her tiny arms exceptionally strong for someone her age. "I thought you'd never come down!"
"Konnichiwa Aya-chan. Sleep well?" What else could I ask her?
I feel awful around her sometimes. She wants me to be happy, and she knows I love Ran… It seems to be such a logical solution to my problem. Get with Ran and be happy. If only I could convince myself that everything would indeed be fine. Maybe I should take on his offer and give it a try. I'm only hurting both of us by being so stubborn. But there's nothing I can do. I'm scared.
No, I'm petrified.
I know there are places I will never be able to follow him to, places in which I will never be allowed in. Everybody has their secrets. Everybody has their dark sides, and I'm afraid of his. I've seen him as a beast, as a wolf. He had that same expression on his face when he was charging at me in the middle of the bloodstained snow. He had the same expression as Kase when he expressed his disbelief I had won… It was a fake disbelief, but it was the same face, and I superimposed Kase's face on his and everything matched. That's why I screamed. It was frightening.
I guess…
I guess I'm afraid to kill him. I love him too much to put him in such danger. Does he understand my logic, my fear? I want him to stay around for as long as possible. I want him to stay near me- with me- as long as humanly possible. I wonder if just loving him makes him my future victim. I wonder if just caring about him means I'll have to kill him.
"Ken-kun?" She's looking at me funny. I wonder how long I've been daydreaming.
"Huh?" Act like nothing's wrong. Act like you just-
"Ran said he wanted to talk to you a little over three minutes ago. Aren't you going to go? You said you would."
Crap. "Er… Gomen! I spaced out for a moment there. Going right now."
Great. I didn't even hear Ran say that. When did he say that? Maybe if I stopped thinking about him all the time I might actually hear what he says once in a while. I push open the storage door and step inside the illuminated room, looking around for any signs of the gorgeous red head. I jump when a pale hand is placed on my shoulders and whirl around to come face to face with unguarded violet eyes.
"R-Ran! Don't scare me like that!"
He grins- more like smirks- and bows slightly. "Sumen. Didn't mean to scare you."
I get a sudden sense of deja-vu and I know where this conversation is heading… And I do not want to have it! We've already been down this road and we always end up hurting each other and yelling at each other. I should have known he'd want to have the talk…
"Ran, if this is about-"
I never get the chance to finish my sentence, my words cut off with the feel of pliant and responding set of lips on mine. He plays dirty. I've been dreaming of him kissing me for what seems eternity but I've been evading his advances for months now. Guess he finally got fed up of me running away. I must admit that this is a great way to make me submit to his will. I moan into the kiss, unable to deny the dormant feelings that have begun awakening within me.
I hate him. He always manages to break me and make me do whatever he wants. I fought so hard not to give in to him, to stay away and overcome this weakness… but I guess some things are impossible. You're so weak Hidaka… A disgrace to willpower…
"Was this so hard Ken?" He's mocking me…
"I hate you…"
"Why did you fight me so long? We both confessed ages ago." He sounds confused. I guess he never got it figured out.
"I don't want you to die."
"Ken… I'm an assassin. I know the risks of my job." He still doesn't understand my dilemma.
"No… I'm not talking about that… I don't want to kill you." There. It can't be blunter than that.
He doesn't answer for a long time and I refuse to look into his eyes. I keep staring at the floor and at the mental images of Kase and the night I killed him and of the Powell mission… All these thoughts are enough to drive someone insane! It's a miracle I haven't lost it yet… I wonder what Ran could be thinking about. What if he realizes I'm right and that there is a risk of me killing him? What if he decides he doesn't want to risk it?
Oh shit! I can feel the tears threatening to fall and I cruse myself once more for my sheer lack of willpower. I can't believe I'm an assassin! I break down for the stupidest things! I broke down after Kase, I broke down after Powell, I break down now… and so many other times. Why? Why can't I be as strong as Aya- as Ran…? Why can't I…?
Why am I so vulnerable?
"Ken?" I think he's noticed my state of mind. I feel his hand pressing on my cheek and wiping the tears from my eyes with a gracefulness only he possesses. Why couldn't you have let me be Ran? Why did you have to break me and make me love you to the point of making me willing to follow you into death? "I won't let you kill me. I'll never give you a reason to kill me. I'll never abandon you." I can feel his cool forehead on my own.
My eyes widen at his words and I look up at him, my chest tight and my eyes blurry. "How can you be sure?"
"I've never been so sure in my life. I've never been more certain… I've never been more wiling to place my heart on the line."
I don't know what to say… I think he means it. Can I trust him? I trust him with my life. I trust him with my soul. But can I trust him with my heart? Am I willing to place the only thing I have left at his mercy? Will he be able to keep it safe and content? I don't know…
I guess the real question is: Am I willing to give him a chance? Every part of my body cries out for him, screaming at me that the answer is a definite yes… But even then, a tiny part of me refuses to budge. Refuses to allow Ran entrance… And I'm a slave to it. I've always been punished for defying it. I've always regretted going against its judgment…
"I can't…" I'm sobbing. I fall to the ground, crying into my hands and then clutching at him, sobbing my heart's content.
"Why not?"
"My heart is afraid… I've lost so many people Ran… I can't lose you too. I'd die if I lost you too…"
"What difference does it make if we're together or not then?" He sounds desperate. I wish I could Ran… I wish I could so badly…
"I'll be happy… I don't deserve to be happy. You'll be taken from me, Ran. If we're not together, then I'll be miserable so you'll be fine." I know it doesn't make sense, but whoever said a person's logic ever does?
"Ken…" His voice sounds tight, as if he's got something in his throat.
I feel him hugging me tightly, his head resting on mine and then I feel them… his tears. He's crying. Why is he crying? Did I hurt him that much? You're useless Hidaka! You make the most important person to you cry! Why? Why can't I have the confidence and the knowledge that nothing will happen to him if I give in?
Why must I live in the darkness of incertitude?
"Ken… When you're ready to let me in, will you let me know?"
I sigh in relief but it comes out as a hiccup as I continue to cry on his shoulder. I nod my head vigorously, trying to get myself under control. I'll tell you Ran. You'll be the first one to know. I promise. I swear to you I'll tell you as soon as I can overcome this inane fear. He squeezes me one last time and then loosens his arms and gets up, drying his tears and sniffing softly.
This has got to be the cutest sound in the world.
I hear his footsteps walking away from me and sun's light flooding the small room as he opens the storage door. I look up and watch his angelic frame walk out and close the door behind himself…
I stay in the cold tiled floor of the storage room, my tears running down my cheeks and my body shivering from a coldness I can't place. I feel empty and I'm so tired. I listen to the thumping of my heart and think about what it must feel like to be held close to Ran, his arms around me and protecting me from my darkness and insecurities…
Someday, when my heart scars from the old wounds and is ready to take on a new risk, I'll be with him. Then I'll be happy. Then I'll be content.
Then I'll listen to it beat against my chest and allow Ran to tell it 'I told you so.'
Then.
Whenever then is.
Title: Then…
Pairing: Ran/Ken
Disclaimer: Do I have to do this?! Yeesh… The whole world already knows I don't own anything!! ~sniffles~
Spoilers: Drama CD 'The Holy Children', Episode 4 and the OAV.
Author's notes: I sent this to the Ken-Uke contest 'Blade & Claw' is holding, and I just thought I'd put this up. There might be a sequel, but I dunno. I guess it depends on you guys. It was really meant to be a one- shot.
If you guys wanna participate in the contest, go to http://www.kritiker.org!! We need participants (I hope Gal and Anna don't kill me for spreading the word…)
So R&R!!
***
It's warm outside.
This wouldn't be strange if it weren't for the fact that it's mid December and it's fifty degrees. Nor would it be strange if this wasn't the North Hemisphere. I wonder if it'll still be this warm in a week. It'll be strange to celebrate my birthday on a warm day. Usually it's always cold and close to snowing, but sometimes it rains. I hate it when it rains. The earth gets all muddy and ugly and everything is painted gray… I don't like gray. It's morbid.
A soft sigh escapes my lips and I squint to see the condensed air… Maybe it's just me. But I don't see it, a proof that it is indeed too warm for the season. I can hear Omi singing Christmas tunes downstairs even though there's a bit over a week left. It's kind of funny. I never thought Omi, of all people, would like Christmas the most. It's a family holiday, and considering his family relationship, it's strange. You'd guess I'd be the one to love the holiday the most with my kind of personality, but I don't. I hate December 25th.
Why?
It's a very simple question to answer, really. I've never had the best relationship with my family. Actually, no one in my family got along, expect my 'neechan and I. From the time I can remember, we always got along. Needless to say I was her living mannequin, but I didn't really mind putting on her dresses as a kid; I thought it was kinda fun. My mother thought it was cute too, and maybe that's why she never got along with my father.
My father was the type of person who wanted to have complete control over everyone and everything. He liked to pull the reins. Unfortunately, my mother wasn't the type of person who would easily allow someone to control her and from the moment she put her foot down about an issue, tensions would run high and relationships would falter. It didn't really matter what it was they argued about- whatever it was, it always became big.
I was young back then, but I'd be lying if I said most fights had nothing to do with me. My father wanted me to be a lawyer while my mother wanted me to be whatever it was I wanted to be- as long as I wasn't a lawyer. It was so confusing and frightening when they'd start arguing, they're voices rising to the top floor where my sister and I hid behind her locked door.
Things were always messy, but when Christmas rolled around, they'd get worse. The fights always began on the presents issues. We'd only get one gift each and, as usual, they always argued over my gift. My mom wanted to buy me sports goods while my father wanted to buy me a suit, or a computer, or a book on the law… I always tried to stay out of their fights, but when you're the cause for it, it's difficult. Especially when your father starts hunting you down and tries to convince you that his gift can be better for you.
I never paid much attention to the gifts. Whatever I got, I smiled and pretended I was happy about it. Then I would sneak into Oneechan's room and play with her until I fell asleep and she'd have to carry me back to my room. But then things got bad. It was nearing Christmas again and from my room I could hear my parent's usual arguments; but then I heard a loud slap and everything fell quiet for a moment… Those few seconds were the longest in my life.
Then I heard savage footsteps going up the stairs and the door of my room burst open; my mother stood there with her brown locks disheveled and a swelling red mark on her cheek. She stormed into my room, grabbed my six year old hands and led me down the stairs, her face angered and a glint in her eyes I had never seen before. She stopped in front of my father and stood there for what seemed ages before finally saying in a low, dangerous, and menacing voice that we were leaving.
It was the last time I ever saw my sister and my father. Even if I wanted to go back, I couldn't… I don't even remember where I lived. I stayed with my mom for three years and then she was in a car accident and was declared DOA. I was taken in by a local church and raised among orphans and nuns. That's where I met Sister and Natsuki. I got into sports then. It was a good way to relieve myself of pent-up anger and energy. That's where I met Kase. Those years after my mother's death were the beginnings of my end.
That's when I realized everyone I love betrays me and dies. By my hands. Always… Forever…
That's why I don't want to be with Aya, or Ran since that's his real name… I'm afraid. How can I know whether or not he'll betray me as well? After all, hadn't Kase promised that we'd be friends forever? That we'd be the inseparable duo! The Fantastic Two, even though that was wrong? He did… And he lied. How can Ran know he's not lying to me? How can I trust him and risk committing the same mistake again?
I've already died twice; I don't want to die again.
Christmas brings back so many memories I'd rather forget… So many happy times I'd rather never remember. It hurts. It kills me deep inside. I yawn as I put on a jacket- just in case it gets colder- and make my way down the steps and into the Koneko. I stop dead in my tracks at the sight greeting me and smile softly, the unwanted memories springing up from a half- forgotten childhood.
Ran is at the counter leaning over a book- a Christmas story book I think- and Aya-chan is next to him, on another stool, her arms hugging his left arm tightly while her dark strands fluttered past her face and pool around both of them. It's a sight that makes all my sufferings worth it. It's a sight that almost convinces me to allow Ran into my life.
Almost.
But almost isn't good enough. All I have to do is see his fiery hair and I remember the mission with Powell and his sword charging at me, anger set on his pale features. I know it wasn't real. I know it was staged. But that doesn't really help when I think that it could happen… That it has happened. Just not with Ran, and not with a sword. I'm still standing at the door when Aya-chan looks up and grins widely, a soft squeal making its way past her pink lips.
"Ken-kun!" In a flash she's off Ran and glomps me, her tiny arms exceptionally strong for someone her age. "I thought you'd never come down!"
"Konnichiwa Aya-chan. Sleep well?" What else could I ask her?
I feel awful around her sometimes. She wants me to be happy, and she knows I love Ran… It seems to be such a logical solution to my problem. Get with Ran and be happy. If only I could convince myself that everything would indeed be fine. Maybe I should take on his offer and give it a try. I'm only hurting both of us by being so stubborn. But there's nothing I can do. I'm scared.
No, I'm petrified.
I know there are places I will never be able to follow him to, places in which I will never be allowed in. Everybody has their secrets. Everybody has their dark sides, and I'm afraid of his. I've seen him as a beast, as a wolf. He had that same expression on his face when he was charging at me in the middle of the bloodstained snow. He had the same expression as Kase when he expressed his disbelief I had won… It was a fake disbelief, but it was the same face, and I superimposed Kase's face on his and everything matched. That's why I screamed. It was frightening.
I guess…
I guess I'm afraid to kill him. I love him too much to put him in such danger. Does he understand my logic, my fear? I want him to stay around for as long as possible. I want him to stay near me- with me- as long as humanly possible. I wonder if just loving him makes him my future victim. I wonder if just caring about him means I'll have to kill him.
"Ken-kun?" She's looking at me funny. I wonder how long I've been daydreaming.
"Huh?" Act like nothing's wrong. Act like you just-
"Ran said he wanted to talk to you a little over three minutes ago. Aren't you going to go? You said you would."
Crap. "Er… Gomen! I spaced out for a moment there. Going right now."
Great. I didn't even hear Ran say that. When did he say that? Maybe if I stopped thinking about him all the time I might actually hear what he says once in a while. I push open the storage door and step inside the illuminated room, looking around for any signs of the gorgeous red head. I jump when a pale hand is placed on my shoulders and whirl around to come face to face with unguarded violet eyes.
"R-Ran! Don't scare me like that!"
He grins- more like smirks- and bows slightly. "Sumen. Didn't mean to scare you."
I get a sudden sense of deja-vu and I know where this conversation is heading… And I do not want to have it! We've already been down this road and we always end up hurting each other and yelling at each other. I should have known he'd want to have the talk…
"Ran, if this is about-"
I never get the chance to finish my sentence, my words cut off with the feel of pliant and responding set of lips on mine. He plays dirty. I've been dreaming of him kissing me for what seems eternity but I've been evading his advances for months now. Guess he finally got fed up of me running away. I must admit that this is a great way to make me submit to his will. I moan into the kiss, unable to deny the dormant feelings that have begun awakening within me.
I hate him. He always manages to break me and make me do whatever he wants. I fought so hard not to give in to him, to stay away and overcome this weakness… but I guess some things are impossible. You're so weak Hidaka… A disgrace to willpower…
"Was this so hard Ken?" He's mocking me…
"I hate you…"
"Why did you fight me so long? We both confessed ages ago." He sounds confused. I guess he never got it figured out.
"I don't want you to die."
"Ken… I'm an assassin. I know the risks of my job." He still doesn't understand my dilemma.
"No… I'm not talking about that… I don't want to kill you." There. It can't be blunter than that.
He doesn't answer for a long time and I refuse to look into his eyes. I keep staring at the floor and at the mental images of Kase and the night I killed him and of the Powell mission… All these thoughts are enough to drive someone insane! It's a miracle I haven't lost it yet… I wonder what Ran could be thinking about. What if he realizes I'm right and that there is a risk of me killing him? What if he decides he doesn't want to risk it?
Oh shit! I can feel the tears threatening to fall and I cruse myself once more for my sheer lack of willpower. I can't believe I'm an assassin! I break down for the stupidest things! I broke down after Kase, I broke down after Powell, I break down now… and so many other times. Why? Why can't I be as strong as Aya- as Ran…? Why can't I…?
Why am I so vulnerable?
"Ken?" I think he's noticed my state of mind. I feel his hand pressing on my cheek and wiping the tears from my eyes with a gracefulness only he possesses. Why couldn't you have let me be Ran? Why did you have to break me and make me love you to the point of making me willing to follow you into death? "I won't let you kill me. I'll never give you a reason to kill me. I'll never abandon you." I can feel his cool forehead on my own.
My eyes widen at his words and I look up at him, my chest tight and my eyes blurry. "How can you be sure?"
"I've never been so sure in my life. I've never been more certain… I've never been more wiling to place my heart on the line."
I don't know what to say… I think he means it. Can I trust him? I trust him with my life. I trust him with my soul. But can I trust him with my heart? Am I willing to place the only thing I have left at his mercy? Will he be able to keep it safe and content? I don't know…
I guess the real question is: Am I willing to give him a chance? Every part of my body cries out for him, screaming at me that the answer is a definite yes… But even then, a tiny part of me refuses to budge. Refuses to allow Ran entrance… And I'm a slave to it. I've always been punished for defying it. I've always regretted going against its judgment…
"I can't…" I'm sobbing. I fall to the ground, crying into my hands and then clutching at him, sobbing my heart's content.
"Why not?"
"My heart is afraid… I've lost so many people Ran… I can't lose you too. I'd die if I lost you too…"
"What difference does it make if we're together or not then?" He sounds desperate. I wish I could Ran… I wish I could so badly…
"I'll be happy… I don't deserve to be happy. You'll be taken from me, Ran. If we're not together, then I'll be miserable so you'll be fine." I know it doesn't make sense, but whoever said a person's logic ever does?
"Ken…" His voice sounds tight, as if he's got something in his throat.
I feel him hugging me tightly, his head resting on mine and then I feel them… his tears. He's crying. Why is he crying? Did I hurt him that much? You're useless Hidaka! You make the most important person to you cry! Why? Why can't I have the confidence and the knowledge that nothing will happen to him if I give in?
Why must I live in the darkness of incertitude?
"Ken… When you're ready to let me in, will you let me know?"
I sigh in relief but it comes out as a hiccup as I continue to cry on his shoulder. I nod my head vigorously, trying to get myself under control. I'll tell you Ran. You'll be the first one to know. I promise. I swear to you I'll tell you as soon as I can overcome this inane fear. He squeezes me one last time and then loosens his arms and gets up, drying his tears and sniffing softly.
This has got to be the cutest sound in the world.
I hear his footsteps walking away from me and sun's light flooding the small room as he opens the storage door. I look up and watch his angelic frame walk out and close the door behind himself…
I stay in the cold tiled floor of the storage room, my tears running down my cheeks and my body shivering from a coldness I can't place. I feel empty and I'm so tired. I listen to the thumping of my heart and think about what it must feel like to be held close to Ran, his arms around me and protecting me from my darkness and insecurities…
Someday, when my heart scars from the old wounds and is ready to take on a new risk, I'll be with him. Then I'll be happy. Then I'll be content.
Then I'll listen to it beat against my chest and allow Ran to tell it 'I told you so.'
Then.
Whenever then is.