Should I do this?
Its not really a smart idea…
…better than what I'm living now…
Will people be sad?
…will they care?
Will they notice?
Or will their lives go on unaffected without me in it.
The latter will happen.
No one cares.
They shouldn't at least.
What do they care for a fag.
My only love abandoning me for such a silly thing that won't matter in a year.
Wasn't love enough?
Wasn't MY love enough?
…apparently not…
Life is hell. No. Worse than hell. Hell would be my heaven right now.
And it was all because of him.
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My long time best friend and of course the very popular Demyx always had girls all over him. And why wouldn't he. I mean, just look at him. He's perfect. Blond haired, deep aquatic eyes, slim, tall, with toned muscles and abs. Who wouldn't be all over him? Demyx had the school wrapped around his finger.
"Hey bud!" He says slinging his arm around my shoulders and giving me his blinding smile. He can light up the world in an instant.
"Hi."
"What's up my little friend?"
"Oh shut up, you know I'm taller than you!" I say slapping him on his arm. This was our daily ritual. Us joking around and acting like complete idiots. I don't care. As long as I'm with him I couldn't care less. He wasn't mine yet, but I was going to get him someday. He's totally straight, but you never know.
I am in love with Demyx. Or at least infatuated enough that it feels like love. He saved me. Everyday for the last couple of years I had been bullied to the extremes of where I'd get kidnapped and beaten up in the middle of nowhere and have to walk back home. Then again I'd rather have that happen to me than go home to the place where I am constantly reminded that we are poor.
The first day that Demyx moved here happened to be the day my regular bullies had picked to kidnap, beat, then drop me off Hell knows where. That day had been a particularly bad beating. My lip was oozing out blood, it hurt to breath, and I could feel a dreadful black eye coming on.
Demyx had been cruising around and had managed to pick me up, offered to drive me to the nearest hospital and after my decline, dropped me off at my house like the kind gentle soul he was. Demyx went to school the next day and had already befriended the entire school, so then turned the school against my bullies. And after that…well that's history.
"C'mon, let's go get some lunch!" Demyx cheerily yells running to be one of the first in the lunch line.
I roll my eyes and chuckle. No matter how old he is he still acts like a four year old. I follow him. I don't care much for food. I always feel that if I eat too much that I'll get fat. Demyx however doesn't care. He's always hungry. He can eat anything and not gain an ounce.
Once out of our line we go to our table. It's filled with people wanting to talk to Demyx obviously. Why would anyone want to talk to me? I'm just….here.
I pick at my food that was placed messily on the cheep school plates. My stomach growls a little yet I haven't the slightest appetite. Even if I tried to eat, I'd just end up throwing it back up. Not that I want to. Its just that my stomach has shrunk and can't hold in all my food or something like that.
Demyx notices. He always does. His voice goes low. "Eat something."
I sigh. "No. You know I can't."
"Something in your stomach is better than nothing."
"I can't. I'm just not hungry."
"Eat. Some. Thing."
"No."
"I'm sorry, that wasn't a question. It was a demand." Demyx argues.
I shut up for a moment.
Demyx sighs, "Please?"
"I can't!" I whisper-shout. It frustrates me that people try to make me do something I clearly can't.
"Fine!" He says and shuts up. If this argument is like the rest Demyx will ignore me until I give in.
I sigh again and silently fume. He knows that I hate it when he does this.
A few minutes go by and not a word has Demyx spoken to me. He is off chatting with some other people at the table, purposefully avoiding my gaze and gentle taps to his back.
Damn it. "Fine," I whisper to him.
"Good. And that better not end up in a toilet or trash can somewhere!" He says.
I roll my eyes and take a bite of Hell knows what it was. I almost gag and spit it up right then and there. But he asked me to do this so I will. I take a few chews then swallow whatever it was down.
"Happy?"
He smiles, "Babe, its for your own good."
I blush a bit at his "babe" remark.
All too soon lunch is over. I pick up my bag and make my way to College Trig.
"Uh, um Axel?"
I look up and see Demyx fidgeting. "Yes?"
"I need to talk to you."
"Okay." I say and stand waiting for him to continue,
"Um…alone."
"Okay?" He's up to something. I just know it.
We make our way to the only place where we know that we'll get some privacy. The lunch bathrooms. No one ever uses them, so it makes for a great silent place.
We walk in, me behind Demyx.
"So, um, what is it that you want or need?"
He turns around and there is a fearful look in his eyes.
"Wha-" My phrase isn't even out of my mouth before Demyx has me pressed up against a wall kissing me.
My lips are unmoving against his. My mind is in a state of shock.
Demyx, the schools most popular guy and my five year crush is kissing me. Suddenly my mind clicks and I kiss him back, moving my hands to the base of his neck to play with his weird mullet type hair style. What the hell right?
He breaks the kiss and rests his forehead against mine.
"Do you…um…do you like me?" He asks rushing his words.
I stare into his fearful aquatic eyes and break into a grin. "You have no idea how long I have been waiting to do that."
He hides his face in my neck and murmurs a quiet "I love you."
I move my hands to his hips, biting my lip and respond. "Love you too…"
Weeks went by and we would have our little secret meetings where we would mumble cheesy lovey-dovey romantic words, hold hands, and kiss. He never officially asked me to be his boyfriend and I never did either. We were never officially a "thing". Everything seemed too good to be true, which it was.
Approximately a month went by and we were again, in the bathroom at lunch time. The deserted stalls only echoing our hard panting and light moans.
Demyx was kissing up my neck and sucking on my collar bone. I only hoped that there wouldn't be a mark the next day.
"St-stoop." I moan out.
"Stop what?" Demyx asks innocently, nibbling on my ear. That tease!
"You know what!" I growl playfully.
He stops and we stay there a few minutes just hugging and basking in each others love. We begin to kiss again.
"I love you," I whisper in his ear.
"I love you more," He whispers back.
"Nu- uh."
Suddenly I hear the bathroom door open and Demyx tenses up.
"What the hell is this!" I hear someone yell. It was one of Demyx's friends, Jackson.
Demyx pushes off me. "I don't fucking know. This fucking fag just hugged me and started kissing me! He just can't keep his hands off me!"
Fag?
But.
He.
Loved me.
He, he can't be doing this to me!
He can't just leave me for his reputation!
"Then we should teach this faggot a lesson in where he belongs!" Jackson yells.
Suddenly, I feel a punch collide with my jaw. The pain subsides and I find that it was Demyx that hit me. My heart shattered. I was crushed. Devastated. Destroyed. Tears welled up in my eyes. Did he really not care about me? Was I truly nothing to him? He was my everything, my world, my universe. I can't go on without him.
I look him, my eyes bore into his soul, and I whisper with all the malicious hate that I have for him now "I loved you, you bastard."
With that I take off running. I had not one idea where I was running to. My mind was numb. The kind of numbness that your feet fall asleep to. The kind where you can somewhat feel a prickly sensation yet your foot is not there or responding. I couldn't feel a thing. I wanted to stop the numbness, stop the prickly aching feeling, to feel something. Anything.
My heart had been painfully ripped out of my chest by a heartless cold demon who still had my blood on his hands. He shattered me, beyond devastated beyond broken, beyond fragmented. He left me in shards so small that if someone were to attempt to pull me together they'd get cut and hurt by my fragile shattered shards.
…Yet, I would not change one moment, one second, of the time that we had been together. It had been my best time. I had been happy. No. I had been ecstatic every time we were together. When we touched, it lingered. Even long after he had left.
Tears poured down my face. I could barely see. Everything, at this point, was a blurry mess of pain. I couldn't go on with out my love. When he hit me he destroyed everything. My confidence, my trust, my love. I've made up my mind. Irrational yes, but it's a way out of this terrible pain.
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My eyes fill up with salty water yet again for the umpteenth time. Even though that memory had been a week ago, it still stung. Since then I had been outed by Jackson, became an out-cast from my "friends" and I've been getting beaten up everyday after school. And yet, Demyx has done nothing but stand and stare with a hurting look upon his face.
I can't take anything anymore. It hurts too much. Going on when the one you love hates you hurts too much. There's nothing for me to stay here for. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't breath without him. All there is, is just suffocating darkness.
I look down at my arm and then look away in disgust. I had gotten into the nasty habit of slicing up my wrists every time I hurt just to get the feeling of being hurt on the inside to the outside . So, in other words, every other day. What they say is true though…. . It really does help. It makes you feel an emotion other than vacant numbness.
A chest-wrecking sob escapes my mouth. My bottle of pills in hand.
Should I really do this?
An flashes of what had been happening to me throughout this whole week pass by my mind and another pitiful sob escapes my mouth. I can't go on like this. Its now or never.
Now.
Or.
Never.
My wrist twists off the top to the pills. I spill many pills onto my awaiting hand. Then I stop and stare. There was just a moments hesitation before the pills disappear to my eager mouth, swallowing them with a bottle of water I had prepared. I take another handful. Then another. And another, until nothing that was once in the original bottle remained.
And that is the moment when panic sets in. Will it hurt? Oh god, I bet it will hurt. I can imagine the burning pain that will begin in my stomach soon. I can only imagine the bloody, gaping hole that the pills will make in my stomach, making me slowly bleed out internally as I sit, unable to stop it. I whimper a very disgraceful sound.
My head begins to swim and my vision blurs.
Will this cause hallucinations?
My attempt to stand up fails, and I fall to the ground, random items I had clustered around on my desk falling with me. My suicide note included.
I giggle. The ceiling looked funny. The colors were pretty and vibrant and moving all over the place. I giggle more. I began to see black and red dots, yet I could not stop my fits of giggling. At least they can say that I died laughing.
My answer to if I would hallucinate is shortly answered as a very unfocused image of a moving Demyx appears before me.
"Hehehe," I giggle as he stands over me, "Why you s' tall? Mmm?" I ask my words slurring together.
"Axel!" the image yells looking concerned. Yup, this absolutely wasn't real, because the real Demyx wouldn't give two shit about me.
"D'myx!" I yell back as I giggle.
"What did you do? What did you take?"
"I dunno."
"Why?"
"C'z you fuck'd up my life." I answer honestly, my fits of giggles subsiding as I sobered up a bit, my vision coming in and out of focus. "I loooooved you ya know. Yet you broke my heeeeart." I sing.
"Where's your cellphone!"
I grin, when a wave of sudden tiredness passes over me. The urge to sleep makes me close my eyes and all I hear is my delusional image of Demyx yelling at me to wake up.
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"Uhhhgh." I groan. My head pounds. I flutter my heavy eyelids and find that everything is too bright, too white.
My body is stiff and everything aches.
Wait, what? Heaven, Hell, or Limbo isn't supposed to feel like this! It should be painless!
Does this mean that I'm alive?
No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm not supposed to be alive! I should be dead! I should be gone!
Damnit! Why can't anything go the way I want it to? Why must I be blessed with this curse of living?!
My eyelids are heavy and I am unable to open them, yet I can feel the tears that so desperately want to fall accumulate.
Fog clouds my mind as I fall into an uneasy sleep.
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I come back to my senses and I feel that someone has my hand laced with theirs. They are shaking. Though I am not directly touching them I can feel the unsettling shuddering they are having in spasms. Short whimpers and crying-like sounds echo.
Oh how I wish to comfort this person. My eyes still refuse to open though.
Yet again dark numbness overtakes me
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How much time has passed? Weeks? Months? Years? My sense of time has been corrupted.
I ached. I ached for love that I haven't gotten. I ached to be held in strong arms, ached to have sweet nothings whispered in my ears for me and only me to hear. I yearend for the touch of the one that hurt me. I want him to hold me, hug me, kiss me, make me laugh so hard my face hurts from smiling too much.
My hand spasms a little. And I gasp in my mind. After, what I presumed, a few days of not being able to move, my hand twitching is amazing. Now I try to open my eyes and to my surprise they open, the fluorescent light momentarily blinding my eyes, making them flutter shut again.
I hear a clattering of a chair and someone gasping in surprise at my sudden movement.
"Nurse! Nurse!" A familiar croaky voice yells out.
"Uhng…" I mumble as I begin to feel some pain. I reopen my eyes and I fight the feeling of wanting to close them again.
A man in a white overcoat approaches me. "How are you feeling?" He asks in a low throaty voice.
"Ung. Like hammered then truck run over dog poo." I respond my voice cracking. My back hurt from laying on the hard hospital bed for Hell knows how long.
The doctor chuckles a little at my truthfulness. "Do you remember how you got here?"
"I know what I…what I did to get here…but" I hesitate, " I don't know how I got to the hospital."
"Well, after you took the pills," I wince at the mention of what I did. " You passed out, but luckily your friend called the hospital just in time for the paramedics to arrive and attempt to stabilize you in your condition."
A heavy silence fills the room as the doctor checks how I'm doing, and explains that I will be able to get checked out early tomorrow. The doctor then promptly leaves.
After a few minutes of me being alone, collecting my jumbled thoughts, a nurse walks in saying that I have a visitor.
"Would you like for him to enter?" She asks.
"Uh, yeah, please," I respond giving her a small smile that quickly fades as soon as she lets my visitor in.
"What the fuck are you doing here," I whisper quietly.
Demyx, my visitor, looks taken aback. "I, uh, well, um, if, uh, if you want I…I can leave…" He says a little flustered.
"No." I say immediately. I need answers. "Why'd you do it?"
His eyes go wide, "I'm so sorry, I was an idiot. I was a stupid fucking idiot to hurt you like that, I should have never raised my hand up at you and I would understand if you never forgive me…but oh god. You know that saying that you never know what you have until you lose it, well that almost happened. I found you drugged up in your room, you had taken almost three hundred pills, and I freaked, I didn't know what to do it scared me so much so I called an ambulance and stayed with you. I cradled you in my arms not letting you go, because it was all my fault that you did that to yourself. The paramedics had to pry me off you. I thought you were gone, you were so pale and unmoving on the floor like that, your lips and eyes were turning blue and it terrified me. You weren't moving, you barely had a pulse and it was all my fault all my fault all my fault…" He says rambling on and on terror in his beautiful ocean eyes that were beginning to water, his bottom lip quivering as if he were holding back a sob.
"Did you know," he continues softly, almost too soft for me to hear, " that we lost you for four minutes. You had no pulse, no heartbeat, you weren't breathing, nothing. Your body had completely given up. But the paramedics hadn't and they brought you back. Back to me…"
At this point Demyx is incoherently speaking because the sob he had been trying to hold back escaped and he kept shaking and crying.
My eyes watered up also. "Stop." I say sternly, my voice waivering.
Demyx's head snaps up at my voice, and I stare into his red irritated puffed up eyes. His tears were leaving trails on his pinkish cheeks.
"Stop," I begin again, "Before I cry too. It hurts me to see you cry."
"But- why- how-" He says confused.
I sigh. "Because I never stopped loving you."
Demyx yet again bursts into new tears. I wave him to come over to where I am at. He does what I signaled him to do, and slowly shuffles his way close to me.
As soon as he gets close enough, I wrap my arms around his middle, In an attempt to hug him. His arms also wrap around me also.
"Shhh, shhh, it'll be okay, everything will be okay, 'mkay?" I whisper, pulling him onto the bed with me while I rock him slowly side to side.
"I-I- no-thi-things al-all right!" He say back, his hard crying preventing him from saying too much.
"It is okay, now shhh…"
"I- y-ou almost di-died because o-of m-m-me-e."
"But I didn't. You saved me."
"It it it was all m-my f-f-fault!" he wails. "I almost l-lo-ost you! I l-l-l-o-ove y-y-you a-a-nd I-I almos-st ki-killed you!"
I could barely understand a word of what he said, so we stayed like that, me cradling his broken self in the silence of a hospital that was only broken occasionaly when Demyx would whimper or cry out.
Eventually his crying slowly died out, and he would only whimper here and there.
Then Demyx turns his head to face me, " Axel…?"
"Mm?"
"…marry me?"
I open my eyes in shock at his words. His deep ocean eyes are staring back at my lime ones pleading for me to say yes.
This man that had broken me beyond repair, that hurt me so bad to the point of killing myself, was asking me to marry him. Everything he did up till the point of my nearly death had been like a stab wound to my chest where he was turning the knife slowly in the wound festering it from healing.
The logical reason would be to turn him down, but my emotional reasoning was anything but logical. My mind screamed at me to say no, yet my body said differently. My heart pounded frantically against my chest and blood was going to my face making me blush.
"I uh," Time for a decision.
Did I want this. He could hurt me again… "But were still in high school!"
"I don't care, I just know that I love you too much to let anyone hurt you or take you away from me."
I stare into his eyes to see if what he is speaking is truth. I couldn't hear any malicious intentions behind his voice but voices usually mask the truth. I see nothing but honesty, truth, and pure love in those eyes.
When he hurt me, he killed me. My world, my life, my universe was destroyed. I thought he didn't want me, and that's what killed me. Not the betrayal. No, it was the thought that he could possibly not want me was what drove me to those pills.
I've made up my mind.
"Yes." I a smile slowly creeping up my face.
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A/N: This was ridiculously long. Maybe I will continue it sometime in the future o.O
Yes it was sad and possibly not the ending you were expecting, but its all I got right now.
And I have one question to all my beautiful, handsome, and cute and cuddly Cookie Monsters right now.
Will you be my Valentine?