Trying Not To Love You

Disclaimer: I do not, nor will I ever, own NCIS. All rights to the show go to Donald P. Bellisario. I also do not own the 'Trying Not To Love You'. The rights go to Nickelback and whoever the group's record company is. However, I do own Casey Rizzo and other unidentifiable characters as they are my own original characters. Thank you for reading this very long disclaimer that I have placed here so that I can not be sued or otherwise by the owners.

Trying Not To Love You

You call to me, and I fall at your feet
How could anyone ask for more?
And our time apart, like knives in my heart
How could anyone ask for more?

I was sitting on the couch doing a word search when my phone rang. I looked over at the caller ID and answered. " 'Ello. And what do I owe the pleasure of having you call me, Ms. Rizzo?"I greeted. She chuckled and I felt something flutter inside me, all the time I had spent away in Europe suddenly catching up to me.

"You could explain to me where you've been for so long... I was beginning to miss your 'words of wisdom'."the woman on the other line answered. "Of course, you could agree to dinner with me. Let's say... About 7 tonight...? We can meet at the restaurant. You can choose."Casey asked. I couldn't help but smile at how quick to the point she was.

"Alright... How about we go to Lafayette? It's a nice restaurant in D.C close to your school."I told her.

"What about you though? I know you live in Virginia... Would it be too far from your place?"she asked, I could hear her concern. Concern for me. I was pretty sure that if my heart wasn't already fluttering, it was now.

"I don't have to go into work for a few days anyway. Besides, I love that place. Unfortunately for you though, it has a formal dress code."I told her, my mind quickly flashing me a mental image of her in a dress. I swore mentally, trying not to react to it.

"Oh... I'll see what I can do then. So, see ya at 7?"she asked. I swallowed.

"Yeah. I'll see you at 7."and with that, we hung up. I swore again.

This wasn't supposed to be happening. I wasn't supposed to be having a... A... A relationship... If you could call going on a few dates being a relationship... But I wasn't supposed to have one. Marcin told all of us under his "leadership" that we weren't supposed to have anything that could hold us back from an op.

But here I was... I just decided to go on yet another date with Casey Rizzo. A woman three years my junior, a woman I had already been on several dates with, a woman I met by accident. A woman who had me thinking of her to the point of obsession...

But if there's a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven't found it yet
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

I sighed and looked at the clock. Two hours to get ready for the date and get there. I got up and made my way to the bathroom, stripping down to take a shower.

The water hitting me was therapeutic as I tried to think of a way to make this my last date with her. I didn't want to stop seeing her, but I couldn't risk anyone from the Agency finding out about her. They'd hurt her without a second thought. Or worse, if it was Marcin who found out, he'd kill her.

Then I had to worry about the questions she'd probably ask me... Why was I gone for so long? Where did I go? Did I have fun? Was it work related?

And the worst part is, I wouldn't be able to answer them truthfully... And the last thing I wanted to do was lie to her. She was always so honest with me...

But if I told her the truth... She'd be in danger... If I continued seeing her... Casey would be in danger... If anyone overseas or in the Agency found out about her... She'd be in danger.

I swore out loud, hitting the wall of the shower. These were the times I wished I never met her. I wished I had never seen her smile, never asked her on that first date.. But there would be a void... I just knew there would be...

'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far
And trying not to need you, is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor

I got out of the shower to dry off. I walked into my bedroom and found one of my best suits. I changed into it, finding a tie to go with it. Facing the mirror, I began to tie the tie. My mind flashed back to Casey. Her warm smile, the way she was straightforward with what she wanted, how she seemed to be the only one who cared about me...

I shook my head. I couldn't let myself go down that road. I couldn't become more attached to her than I already was. It wouldn't be fair to her or me, and it would be far too dangerous...

And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for
'Cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Only makes me love you more

I finished up changing and found my shoes, lacing them up. I looked at the clock, an hour and thirty minutes till 7. I grabbed my wallet and went out of my apartment building. I saw a taxi driver and got his attention; getting into his cab, I told him where to go and laid back, trying to relax.

But I couldn't since I knew this would be the last time. I shook my head, trying to think of anything other than the woman I was on my way to see. That I was... No. No. I can't say that. I don't feel that emotion. I don't have room for love... Do I?

I shook my head again. I am a spy. I obtain intelligence on our enemies in ways that the FBI would frown upon. On top of my life style of trying to make it home before my groceries spoil, I was damaged. I was abused. There was no way I could give myself to someone without second guessing the entire time...

And this kind of pain, only time takes away
That's why it's harder to let you go (That's why it's harder to let you go)
And nothing I can do, without thinking of you
That's why it's harder to let you go (That's why it's harder to let you go)

The drive was going to be a long one, so I made myself comfortable, and closed my eyes. I began thinking of how my life would be if I never met Miss Rizzo. If I would be better off or not. My mind drifted to how she would talk to me as if I was a normal human being, not at all how Marcin and the others talked down on me in the field. How open she was if I asked her a question...

Letting go of her was going to be harder than I thought...

But if there's a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven't found it yet
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

I looked around, seeing how close I was to the restaurant. Fairly close. I leaned back, wanting to think how tonight would've played out if she hadn't called me, if I hadn't given her my real number. I swore softly.

That's why I was doing so much self loathing lately. My new troubles were stemming from me giving my phone number, my real phone number, to some woman I barely knew... But I wanted to know her... I still want to know her...

Why did this have to be so hard? Why couldn't she have been a horrible person to make this easier on me? Why did I have to think of her as the 'The One'? Why?

'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far
Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for
'Cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more

I got out at the restaurant after paying the driver for his time. He shook his head. "You're obviously going through a rough time. I don't want your money. It was on the house."the driver handed it back to me. I looked at him.

"Sir... I couldn't sleep tonight knowing I didn't pay you for such a long drive."I tried to hand the money back to him. The driver gave it back to me.

"Keep it. And I hope you find the answer to whatever question you're trying to answer. Before you ask why I think something's up with you, it's because I know that look you had in your eyes. Hurt. So trust me when I say I don't want your money."and with that he left. I swore, wondering what would happen to him because he wouldn't accept my money. As I stood there, wondering about it, I felt a hand touch my shoulder and turned around.

"Hi Stranger."a familiar voice rang out. I smiled.

"Hey Casey. How're you tonight?"I asked. She smiled.

"I'm fine. You?"Casey asked. I thought carefully, trying figure away to answer her truthfully, but not the hurtful truth...

"I'm great now."I answered, smiling. It was the truth. I was great at the moment. She smiled.

"Great. So, is this proper enough for your fancy restaurant?"she asked, taking a few steps back to turn around, giving me the full affect. She was wearing a simple black dress with heels, but she looked absolutely stunning in it. I must have muttered something lewd by the way she was smirking when she walked over to me. "You know, a simple 'yes' would have sufficed?"she murmured, smirking.

"Okay. Then yes, that works for the restaurant."I told her. She smiled and looked at my tie, shaking her head. "What is it? What's wrong?"I asked her.

"It's nothing... I just... Your... I have OCD and I like ties to be even."Casey admitted to me, looking to me. "Would it be okay for me to fix it?"she asked. I smiled.

"Sure... I don't mind."and with that, she began to redo my tie, and I tried thinking of anything but her hands on me, about anything but the "butterflies" in my stomach. She smiled up at me as she finished tying the tie.

"Done. So, would you lead the way to the restaurant? I don't really know my way around downtown yet."Casey asked. I carefully took her hand and led her a few blocks down the street. We walked in and managed to get a nice table. I pulled her chair out for her before I sat down in the chair in front of her. "That was sweet but unnecessary, Trent."she told me. I shrugged.

"I enjoy being sweet. Just don't let it get around that I do or it could ruin my reputation."I joked. She chuckled and looked at the menu.

"Since you've eaten here before... What's good?"Casey asked. I thought it through, trying to think of what she would like.

"For an appetizer, you can't go wrong with butter-head salad. Although for an appetizer, it has a rather large serving size. Entrees are a little more difficult to choose from... Most of the food here is really good. But I guess it will depend on if you like seafood or not.."I told her. She nodded and we ordered when the waitress came by the second time. Neither of us ordered alcoholic beverages, but I ended up ordering lemon persillade halibut and she ordered the chef's special.

We struck up a conversation while waiting for our food to be brought to us. "Oh come on Trent, what's one of the worst thing you did as a kid growing up? It doesn't have to be embarrassing, just true."Casey pleaded. "I'll tell you mine, if you tell me yours."she bribed. My interest piqued.

"Alright, you first though."I relented. She smiled and began to think.

"When I was a freshman in high school, I was the new girl. I didn't know anyone and I kept to myself. At lunch, I sat down, alone, at an empty cafeteria table. The 'Queen Bee' of the school came up to me and told me I had to move because that was her seat. I told her to make me and she grabbed my shoulders and pushed me. So I punched her as hard as I could. In the nose. I didn't know it at the time, but I broke it. I was suspended from school and had to run laps when I got home."Casey confided in me. I looked at her, confused.

"Why did you have to run laps at home?"I asked. She looked at me, then looked down, her expression one of sadness.

"My... Dad... He was a Marine, and running laps was my punishment for getting in trouble at school... However I didn't have to run too many laps because he was proud that I finally stood up for myself..."Casey answered.

"Was a Marine...?"I asked. She swallowed.

"He died recently... He was shot trying to help a woman find her son..."Casey bit her lip and I instantly regretted asking. We were silent for a few moments before she smiled at me. "So, what was the worse thing you did?"Casey asked me.

"I ran away from home."I blurted out before I realized what I was saying. She smiled warmly.

"All kids run away for a little bit... But they always come back."she said, probably recounting one of her own experiences. I shook my head, swallowing.

"No... I ran away and I never looked back..."I admitted. Her eyes widened slightly in disbelief, but when she saw I was serious, she looked down.

"I'm sorry for bringing it up... I never should have... I'm sorry.."she apologized. I took a drink and shook my head.

"Don't be, you were curious, I told you what you asked."I reminded her.

About thirty minutes later, we walked outside the restaurant and I looked at her. "Going back to your school?"I asked. Casey looked at her watch and shrugged.

"Probably... I'll just have to be extremely quiet going inside my dorm so I don't wake up my roommate... She has a test tomorrow..."Casey told me. I looked at her, contemplating something I probably shouldn't have been since this was supposed to be the last time...

"Do you have class tomorrow..?"I asked her. She shook her head.

"No... Why?"Casey asked, turning to face me.

"You could... Stay with me tonight if you wanted too..."I proposed to her. She looked me in the eyes, her blue eyes searching mine.

"You sure...?"she asked. I smiled.

"I'm sure."I repeated. She wrapped her arms around me, smiling.

"Thank you."I looked at that smile and melted.

"You're welcome..."

We took a taxi back to my apartment and I warned her how messy it probably was. She smirked and walked inside with me. She gasped. "If this is messy, I'd be afraid of clean. Looks more like you're a neat freak."Casey teased, smirking. I chuckled.

"Well I wasn't sure what you would consider messy..."I admitted sheepishly. She smirked.

"You wanna see messy? Stop by my dorm room sometime..."she teased.

I looked at her, then the time. "If you don't have any clothes to sleep in tonight, you could borrow some of mine. They might be big on you though..."I offered. She smiled sheepishly this time.

"Please?"she asked. I walked into my room and found my old Oxford University t-shirt and some pajama bottoms. I brought them to her in the living room.

"Will these do?"I asked her, handing her the clothes. She smiled.

"Yes , these will do. Thanks."she kissed my cheek. I felt heat rise to my cheeks, I was blushing... "Where's your bathroom? I'd like to change there if that's okay..."she asked. I pointed her in the direction and went into my bedroom to change into a t-shirt and pajama pants. She came out of the bedroom right as I was putting on the shirt. She had a faint blush go over her features. "Should've knocked I guess..."she apologized.

I shrugged. "It didn't bother me... Um... So where are you wanting to sleep?"I asked her. She blushed.

"Where would you like me to sleep?"she asked. 'In here... With me...'I thought. However, out loud I said something different.

"Wherever you want. In here or on the couch..."I trailed. She blushed again.

"What would you say if I asked to stay in here... With you..?"she asked. I smiled softly.

"That that is just fine."I pulled back the covers and laid down, watching as she did the same...

So I sit here divided, just talking to myself
Was it something that I did?
Was there somebody else?

I woke up with a warm presence beside me. I tensed slightly, opening my eyes. I was greeted with a lovely woman with her head laying my chest, her arm draped over my stomach. I played with her hair, twirling it around my finger. She sighed my name and snuggled closer. I closed my eyes, feeling a pang of guilt hit me. I shouldn't be doing this, she shouldn't be here. I was just gonna hurt her... Wasn't I?

I carefully disentangled myself from her, being careful not to wake her up. She murmured something in protest, but stayed asleep. I felt tears pricking at my eyes. Could I do it? Could I just stop seeing her..?

I shook my head and got up, sitting on the edge of the bed. I should end it with her tomorrow... Take her home and thank her for the nice time we had... But then it would seem like I was leading her on... That I didn't care about her... When in fact, I do care. I care a lot for her. I put my face in my hands, wondering where I went wrong, wondering what would've happened if I never met her.

'Listen to yourself. Is this really about you worrying about what will happen to her if the Agency found out? Really? Is that your excuse? You know the Agency can't lay a hand on a civilian in the United States. They can harass them until the target gets into contact with police, then they have to stop. So what's your real excuse, Trent? Afraid of truly being your father's son?'I was asking myself. I fought back the tears as I recalled the nights I was at that awful house. The nights I was forced to watch him hit my mother. The nights my mother would in turn hit me with her wine bottles while she was drunk. I felt myself tremble, remembering...

When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears
Sat right down beside me, whispered right in my ear
Said, I've been dying to tell you

I felt a hand touch my shoulder gently, lightly. I tensed slightly before relaxing, leaning into it. "T-Trent... Is everything okay? If this is because I'm here... I can leave.. I... I don't wanna cause you trouble..."I heard Casey's voice ask, it sounded as if she'd been crying. I felt like killing myself. I had made her cry.

"Case... It's okay. I don't mind you being here... I... I was just having an internal conversation... I... I'm trying to figure out what I want..."I told her, carefully turning to face her, placing a hand over the one she had on my shoulder. Her face was tear-stained and I mentally kicked myself as I pulled her closer. She didn't fight me, instead she wrapped her arms around me, staying close. I felt tears hitting my shirt.

"I'm sorry... I... I didn't mean to make you cry..."I told her, holding her close. She laid her head on my shoulder, the tears still falling.

"You didn't... I... I kinda made myself cry... If... That makes any sense..."she admitted, tears still falling. I carefully wiped them away from her face, being as gentle as I could. Her eyes widened when she really looked at me. "Trent... Have... You been crying...?"she asked, carefully raising one of her hands to my face, wiping away my own tears.

"Yeah... I... Made myself cry too... I... There are somethings I need to tell you about..."I told her. She kissed my cheek, softly, like she cared about me.

That trying not to love you, only went so far
Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart
Now I see the silver lining, from what we're fighting for
We just keep on trying, we could be much more
'Cause trying not to love you
Oh, yeah, trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Only makes me love you more

"There's something I wanna tell you too. May I go first...?"she asked. I swallowed and nodded. She took a deep breath. "I really, really like you and I am ashamed to admit that, I'm just now realizing how much I like you. I just... Thought you should know..."Casey bit her lip, the faint blush returning again. I gave a small smile, kissing her cheek, bringing her closer to me.

"That was actually one of the things I was gonna tell you..."I assured her, keeping her close. She looked me in the eyes.

"And the second thing?"Casey asked. I sighed, not wanting to tell her, but not wanting to lie to her either...

"I... I don't know how to put this exactly... But... All night I have been debating on even seeing you again.."I started, I felt her tense and start to pull away. "But here's the reason why. I like you, a lot. We have a pretty good thing going for us... I... I'm afraid that I'll either mess it up by saying something wrong or that.. That I'll hurt you... Or.. Get you hurt because of my job..."I told her. She turned to face me, she looked confused.

"Your job...? How.. How could that get me hurt? What do you do? FBI? Superman?"she asked, half-joking. I chuckled, needing the laugh. She started laughing too. When we finished, I stopped and got serious again.

"Actually... I... I work for the CIA... I... I'm afraid of what someone would do if they found out what I did and used you to get to me..."I admitted.

"Are you serious? The CIA? Really?"she asked, disbelief present in her voice. I bit my lip.

"Yes... It's true... I have proof too... If you'd like to see it.."I told her. She took a deep breath, the shock wearing off. Casey then kissed my cheek.

"It's sweet that you care about me enough to worry about something happening. But I can take care of myself..."Casey assured me. I smiled weakly.

"So I've noticed..."I admitted, holding her. She snuggled closer to me, looking into my eyes.

"So... What does this mean for us...? Are we still just dating around with each other or are we... What's the word for it...?"she tried thinking of it. I blushed slightly.

"Is... Exclusive the word you're looking for...?"I asked. She smiled and kissed my cheek, adding to the blush.

"Actually, it was... Um... So... Are we... Exclusive...?"Casey asked me. I thought for a second how I would react if I saw another man putting his arm around her, holding her, and I felt ready to kill the guy who was only existent in my head because he was with her.

I looked at Casey and kissed her softly, pulling her close. She tensed at first because I surprised her, but after a bit she kissed me back. We pulled away and she was blushing again, a bright red this time. "I'd like to think that I am the only one you're seeing romantically, but if you'd rather... We don't have to be exclusive..."I told her, wanting it to be her decision. She smirked and laid down on the bed, not answering my question. I looked at her questioningly, but laid down beside her.

Casey turned to face me. "I'd feel more secure if we were... Exclusive..."she told me, kissing my cheek. I smiled and held her close to me.

"Okay then... We can be... Exclusive..."I told her, kissing her cheek. "Now... We should probably get some sleep..."I told Casey, snuggling into her. She sighed sleepily.

"Waaay ahead of you..."Casey told me, kissing my cheek before snuggling close.