So I got bored. So sue me. Actually, HA, you can't, because I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! and I'm admitting it right here! Incidentally, my sister came up with the potatoes idea, and is very kindly allowing me to use it (I have to give her credit for it, otherwise she'll beat me up – she's more than a year younger than me, and she still scares me to death).
HEALTH WARNINGS…yeah, you need those when you're around me: mild language (nothing more terrifying than 'damn'), some innuendo, and implied violence courtesy of Marik and Bakura.
PAIRINGS: I hint at both Yugi x Téa and Yami x Téa. Those of you who, like me, are annoyed by these pairings, relax. None of it goes anywhere. I suck at romance, just leave it at that. There are, however, smallish amounts of Joey x Mai at the end, simply because the plot seemed to need it. Other than that, this is pairing-free.
Also, I've used the dub names for most of this – so, Téa instead of Anzu, Odion instead of Rishid, and so on. Sorry if anyone has a problem with that. I'm just lazy, that's all.
"Yippee! I just love parties! Oh, this'll be so much fun! We'll stay up past ten o'clock and watch cool movies and tell each other secrets and do each other's hair and sing karaoke and everyone can meet Sunny!"
"Who's Sunny?" asked Yami, tentatively.
"My mouse!"
"Mice!"
Yugi stopped what he was doing, which was running in small circles and squeaking, and turned around slowly. "Yami, what are you doing up on the table?"
The Pharaoh looked down at his young companion, tight-lipped and wide-eyed. "Don't…like…mice…" he muttered at last, in a very small voice.
"Oh, Yami, don't be so silly! Sunny's a special mouse!" From his pyjama pocket, he drew a small, beaten-up lump of yellow fabric with two pink, felt ears and a few, straggly whiskers made of black wool.
Yami counted to ten very slowly, which was the only way he could manage it. "That's not a real mouse, Yugi," he said at last.
"Shhh!" Yugi protested, looking slightly shocked. Carefully covering Sunny's ears, he whispered to Yami, "You're hurting his feelings. He thinks he's real."
"Ah," Yami said. After a moment, he added, "Um." To clarify these statements, he added, "Well."
The doorbell interrupted this articulate flow of thought.
"They're here!" Yugi squealed, and ran to open the door.
"Yugi!"
"Téa!"
"Hey, Yug!"
"Joey! You came!"
"I almost didn't make it, you know."
"Really?"
"Yeah," Tristan put in. "We almost missed the mile-high tower of balloons."
"Well, I'll just take the presents and put them over there," Yugi continued, blithely. He took a lumpy, pink-and-purple package from Téa's hands, and then turned to Joey and Tristan expectantly. There was a short silence, during which Téa had time to grab a ten-inch knife that was conveniently lying on the table and usher the boys outside, slamming the door in Yugi's innocent little face.
Muttered sounds of conversation issued from behind the door, followed by several thumps, scuffles, and quite a few long, drawn-out howls of agony. Then the door opened again.
"Hi again!" said Téa, and handed him two clumps of hair, one blonde, one brown. "The guys got you locks of their hair, so that you can remember them forever!"
"Ah, you guys shouldn't have!" Yugi chirped at Joey and Tristan, who were standing behind Téa looking slightly shell-shocked. "Now come on in! It's time to meet Sunny!"
"Hey there, Mister Pharaoh dude! Long time no see!" Joey exclaimed.
"Uh, why are you standing up there?" Tristan wanted to know.
"Cool! Let's all dance on the table!" Téa enthused. "I'm sure that the Pharaoh is a wonderful dancer…"
"Hey! I see things to eat!" Tristan shouted.
"Joey!" yelled Téa from up on the table, where she was clinging to Yami's arm.
"Téa!" replied Joey from under the table, where he had followed one or two of the marshmallows that had survived Tristan's ruthless massacre.
"Doorbell!" cooed Yugi.
The door swung open to reveal Seto Kaiba and what appeared to be a sack of potatoes with two small feet sticking out the bottom.
"Hello, fool," said Kaiba.
"Hi, Yugi!" said the sack of potatoes.
"Kaiba! You came! Alright!"
"Of course I came, Yugi," the CEO said. "You are my best friend."
"Actually, he came because he has a secret evil plot involving kidnapping you and forcing you to duel him so that he can destroy the God Cards and your reputation as the best duellist in the world," the sack of potatoes informed Yugi confidentially as Kaiba brushed disdainfully past into the living room
"Isn't that what he did all the other times?" Yugi asked, blinking a little.
"Yup. I've been asking him to go to a shrink to sort out his denial problems and what I've diagnosed as a serious inferiority complex, but he won't. Uh, do you think you could help me with the potatoes?"
"Sure," Yugi said, and helped Mokuba carry them through to the living room, where they found Joey trying to beat up Kaiba. Tristan was dressed in a cheerleader's uniform and was jumping up and down excitedly. Téa was standing on the table and sniffing in very disapproving manner. Yami, wisely, had first sealed the Millennium Puzzle inside a jam jar, locked the jam jar in an abandoned hamster cage, locked the hamster cage in a cupboard, and then barricaded himself inside the Puzzle. He had seen enough terror and destruction in his long years not to want to witness a teenager's house party.
"So, I see you got my present," Kaiba said lazily, fending off Joey with the TV remote.
"Yeah. Um, gee, thanks. Potatoes are really…nutritious."
"They represent," Kaiba informed him, "my deep and utmost respect for you as a rival and a duellist."
"Really?" Yugi asked, hopefully.
"No," Mokuba told him. "He's just lulling you into a false sense of security so that you won't expect his trap."
"Slave?' Kaiba asked.
"Yes, Seto?"
"Please go lock yourself in the bathroom and think suicidal thoughts."
"Sure thing!"
And off skipped the younger Kaiba brother.
Yugi moved the present into a corner of the room, and said, "Well, now that there are a few more of us here…Joey, please don't eat the remote, we might need it later…I figured we could play a couple of games, just to break the ice, kind of."
"Or we could just break Kaiba's skull," Joey suggested darkly, before being elbowed quite painfully in the stomach by Téa, who squealed,
"Oh, I think that's the best idea you could have come up with!"
"Thanks, Téa! You're such a good friend! Now where's Yami gone to?"
After Téa had dragged the Pharaoh from his hiding place, Yugi pressed play, and the fun began.
"Every time always makes me cry," Téa sniffled as she passed the newspaper-wrapped parcel to Yami, who was sucking his thumb for comfort.
"Is that so?" Yami asked, edging away from her slightly.
"Ooh! I get to open it!"
"Not with your teeth, please, Mutt."
"Yay! I get a lollipop!" Joey exulted.
"Yeah, I thought it would be friendlier if I put a little something in each layer," Yugi explained. "That way, everyone's a winner!"
"Did someone say…lollipops…?" Tristan asked. A slightly crazed look was beginning to spread itself across his features.
"Yeah, we did," Yugi said, and then winced as Tristan dived for the parcel.
"Mine!" he grunted, holding the precious package to his chest, cradling it in his arms.
"Uh, Tristan, that's against the rules…" Yugi told him timidly.
"Tristan! Give the nice loser his lollipop!" Téa hissed.
"I want my lollipop!" Joey wailed.
"Mine! All mine! Mine!"
"I can think of so many people whose lives I could be ruining right about now," Kaiba grumbled.
The doorbell rang. And rang. And rang. And rang.
"Oh, goody! That must be the Ishtars!"
Tristan stopped jumping around, turned slightly purple, and fell over.
"You invited those scumbags?" Joey shrieked.
"Yeah," Yugi said. "I figured that maybe they needed time out from moping over failed attempts at world domination."
"Did you forget that it's your fault that the attempts failed?"
"I thought we could let bygones be bygones," Yugi admitted.
From outside, a familiar voice was heard yelling, "Curse this foul thing! Only mortals could invent such filth!" The doorbell stopped ringing quite abruptly. There was a small crunching sound, very like the one that would be made if a long, pointy, metal object were suddenly and violently thrust into a doorbell's plastic casing.
A second voice said, "Marik, you shouldn't be so cruel…try to remember that there is still good deep within your tormented soul."
Yugi opening the door, said, "Hello!"
"Die, rat," Marik said, and shouldered past him. "Ah! I smell blood!"
"Hello, Yugi Moto. We meet again," Ishizu said, gazing deeply into his eyes. "I give to you this gift to mark this momentous occasion. Excuse me. My brother may be unstable. I must seek him out and chastise him."
"May be unstable?" Joey yelled from inside. "Ishizu, he's nuts!"
"Insolent mortal!"
"Help!"
Ishizu sighed and wafted mystically forth.
Yugi was left staring at Odion, who silently handed him a blue tambourine with the word "LAUGH" printed on it before following Ishizu.
When Yugi returned to the living room, there was a large amount of silence. Ishizu, who had long since learned the hard way that it pays to be prepared, had sent Marik to the corner, where he was now fully occupied by several sheets of paper and a box of crayons in bright and funky colours. Joey and Kaiba had taken to glaring at each other mutinously. Tristan had been awarded all the lollipops, and was seated under the table crooning, "Precious…my precious…the precious has returned!"
Tea was baking biscuits.
"So!" Yugi said, bouncing into the centre of the room. "Now that we're all here, I'd like everyone to meet a new addition to the family!"
"Does he mean what I think he means?" Joey asked.
"He's going to have a baby!" Tristan gasped, popping out from underneath the table. "Yugi! Did no one ever tell you use a condom?"
"I think you might want to pay a little more attention during Health Education classes next time, Tristan," Joey sighed. "See, Yugi's a guy."
"He is?"
"I'm not having a baby," Yugi assured them, blushing.
"So it's Téa who's pregnant, then?" Tristan guessed.
"I am?" Téa asked, sticking her head through from the kitchen.
"You are?" Joey asked, staring first at her, then at Yugi. "Damn, Yug. You are living proof that size doesn't count."
"Hey!" Yami said, stepping forward to defend his friend. "That's not very nice, Joey."
"Oh, so you're the father, Yami?" Joey asked. "Heh, you devilish Ancient Egyptian Sex God, you."
"No one is pregnant!" Yugi said, loudly. "I just wanted you all to meet Sunny!"
But Sunny's introduction to the rest of the Cute 'n' Cuddly Gang was going to have to wait, because at that moment a voice from outside shrieked, "Gah! Balloons! Bright, colourful balloons with happy faces!"
"Ooh! Another guest!" Yugi enthused.
"Who is it?"
"Yeah, what other nutcases did you invite?"
"Kill! Kill! Kill! Happy colours must die!" the voice continued.
"Uh…well…no one, really. Guess it must be someone coming to surprise me," Yugi said, serenely, and trotted off to see who it was.
Joey followed him, more than a little apprehensively. "Hey, uh, Yug, that sounds kind of like Bakura."
"Yeah. I guess it must be him," Yugi said, placing his hand on the doorknob. From outside came several loud popping sounds, as well as muffled grunts of glee.
"So, um, remind me again why you would want to invite him in? I mean, he does have a homicidal freakopath living in his head, you know."
The words "Death to the balloons! Death! Death! Pain and suffering abound!" could be dimly made out, accompanied by manic screeching and cackling.
"We'll just have to hope that Bakura manages to control his darker half," Yugi said, cheerfully. "I always like to believe the best of people!"
"Pain and suffering!"
"Yugi, I really don't think that you should open that door…"
"Die, balloon scum!"
Yugi opened the door.
Joey held his breath.
"Hello, Yugi!" a soft, lilting voice said. Behold! In the doorway stood a youth of rare and marvellous beauty, his skin as pale and smooth as the petals of the lily, his long locks of silver-fair hair tossed gently by the wind, his lips the delicate, pearly pink of cherry blossom. Like dark pools of clear, brown river water passing at some hallowed and golden hour beneath the shady reserves of willows were his eyes, full of a mysterious, brooding intensity that spoke of a tormented past. Ah, truly and forsooth! The like of him shall not soon by mortals again be seen!
"Hi, Bakura! It's great to see you again!" Yugi said, happily.
"I know I wasn't invited, but I was in the neighbourhood and thought I'd drop by! Don't worry - I didn't forget your present!" Bakura said, giving a small – and utterly adorable – laugh.
"Thanks, pal! You're the best! Come on! Téa's making biscuits!" Yugi chirped. Together, they blew past a stunned Joey. Yugi paused only briefly to give him a happy, I-told-you-so look.
Joey looked outside, saw the myriad popped balloons littering the sidewalk, gulped, and staggered back into the living room. In all fairness to him, he was only twitching a little.
"Hey there, everyone!"
"Oh, hi, Bakura," Téa said. "Fancy a biscuit?"
"Thanks! They're…wow, they're very pink. And…heart-shaped…and…sweet…and…oh, damn, not again…"
Everyone (apart from Kaiba, who was busy thinking ruthless thoughts, Marik, who was busy cursing a crayon to the realms of infinite torture and beyond, and Mokuba, was still sitting in the bathroom happily drawing stick figures holding hands on the mirror and labelling them "Seto" and "me") ducked for cover. Bakura suddenly began to look a lot more evil – while still maintaining that debonair charm and charismatic style that was so much a part of him. His perfectly pink lips widened into a snarling smile, and his sweet little white teeth suddenly grew a lot longer and pointier. He gazed down at the pink biscuit, which had a little smiley face dribbled onto it in chocolate. Still grinning evilly, he broke it in half and stepped on it.
Yugi appeared not to have noticed this. Oblivious to the fact that everyone was trembling behind some or other piece of furniture, he once more took up his position in the middle of the room and said, "So, guys, now that we all have refreshments, and now that everyone's here, I'd like everyone to meet Sunny!"
So saying, he pulled once more from his pyjama pocket the lump of yellow fabric, and placed it on the table, where it squeaked merrily up and down.
"He's saying hello, guys!" Yugi translated. "Say hello back!"
The knife made a slight whistling sound as it arced through the air and pierced through Sunny's side, sticking in the wood below with a heavy thunk.
"Hello, Sunny," Bakura said.
"I am impressed," Marik said, sitting up and looking at Bakura with considerable respect. "Your aim is quite remarkable."
"Thank you. I've been practising on mosquitoes," Bakura told him.
"Would you like to see my drawings?"
"Sure. Ooh, blood!"
"Sunny," Yugi squeaked hoarsely.
"Uh, Yug, are you OK?" Joey asked, crawling out from behind an armchair.
"Yugi?" Téa enquired.
"Yugi? Why are you crying over that little used handkerchief thing?"
"Sunny!" Yugi wailed.
"That's not a used handkerchief! It's a mouse…I think," Téa realised.
"Mice? Mice? Where?" screamed Yami.
"There…" Joey said, uncertainly.
"Oh, that's just Sunny! He thinks he's real, you know," Yami said.
"Is he…it…him…real?" Tristan asked.
"I think he was only pretending," Yami said, cautiously.
"The mouse was pretending to think that he was real?" Téa asked, slowly.
"No! Yugi!" Yami corrected.
"The mouse was pretending to think that Yugi was real?"
"Um…well…maybe Yugi was pretending to think that the mouse was real so that it…he…it…wouldn't get upset…"
"Sunny!" Yugi sobbed, cradling the little body to his chest.
"It looks like it's dead," Téa observed.
"I think it is dead," Tristan said.
"Hey! Yug! That mouse thing isn't alive, you know."
"Sunny!"
"Aha! You've all walked right into my trap!" - this from Kaiba.
"We have?"
"We have?"
"We have?"
"Oh, Sunny."
"Trap? Trap! Trap the barbarians! Roast them over a slow fire and feed them to the crocodiles!" Bakura exclaimed.
"Skewer them with skewers!" Marik shouted excitedly.
"Now, Marik, remember what your therapist said," Ishizu reprimanded from behind the TV.
"Which one? The one I tied to the couch and threw scorpions at, or the one whose hair I shaved off?"
"Hey, that's original! I merely made mine sit on poison ivy."
"I said, you've all walked right into my trap!" Kaiba repeated.
"We have?"
"We have?"
"We –"
"Yes, you have!" Kaiba bellowed. "Slave?"
"Hi, Seto! Cheer up, Yugi. He hasn't beaten you yet," Mokuba said, emerging from the bathroom.
"Stop fraternising with the enemy and detonate the bomb," Kaiba ordered.
"The bomb?" screamed several voices.
"Don't worry, guys! It's only a sleeping mechanism. It's filled with an invisible sleeping gas that'll put you all to sleep. Then Kaiba will kidnap you all and take you back to Kaiba Corp Headquarters, where he'll force Yugi to duel him and…"
"Slave, please."
"I'm on it, big brother!"
"No! I don't want to go to sleep!" Marik yowled as Mokuba pressed the big, red button. "I haven't shown Bakura my knife-collection yet!"
"Never fear, Master Marik!" Odion said, speaking for the first time. "I will never leave your side!"
"Lot of help that's going to be," Bakura muttered. "I say kill!" He started towards Kaiba but was pinned to the ground by an angry, black-haired ball of destruction, namely Mokuba.
"Now, now, Marik," Ishizu comforted him, yawning. "We can fix a play-date for you and your new friend! What do you say to that?"
"Hooray!"
"Me…getting…vewy…sweepy…" Yugi yawned, dropping Sunny and crumpling to the floor with his thumb in his mouth.
"Yugi! No!" Yami gasped, staggering towards him, succumbing slowly but surely to Kaiba's devastating sleeping gas. "Must…protect…the young one…"
"Elephants!" Téa muttered happily. "Big, pink, frilly elephants!"
"Lollipops," Tristan said contentedly from the floor.
"Uh, Kaiba?" Joey asked. He had been holding his breath for as long as possible. "How are you going to avoid going to sleep?"
"Simple," Kaiba began, and then stopped.
"Heh," Joey said, triumphantly, and slid to the ground.
Alone, the CEO of Kaiba Corp said a very naughty word and keeled over. Mokuba snuggled up next to him and said, "Good night, big brother!"
Then all was still.
"Whoa! Freaky dream!" Joey exclaimed, sitting up and rubbing his eyes as the morning sun hit his face.
"Was I in it?" Mai asked, blinking her eyes coyly.
"Mai! What are you doing here?" Joey yelled.
"The door was open," she explained. "I figured I'd drop by and say hello. So, is there any special reason that you're all asleep on the floor?"
"Neah, the party was so boring that we all just zoned out," Joey said, hastily getting up and brushing himself down, and hoping that he didn't have morning breath. "You wouldn't want to go somewhere more interesting, would you?"
"Like where?" she asked, drawing him towards the door, making sure to step on Marik's face as she did so. "For some reason, I kind of fancy the beach."
"Yeah," Joey agreed, thinking happily of purple bikinis. "Yeah."
Thus they left.
"Ah! I have had a marvellous dream!" Ishizu declared, passing a hand over her brow and staring keenly into the distance.
Odion sat up, scrambled over to Marik, picked him up and walked out of the door. Marik protested with a vaguely muttered, "Doom! Doom upon thy head!"
Ishizu followed them, pausing only to call, "Farewell, Yugi Moto! Our paths will meet again soon!"
Tristan, Téa and Yami were gathering around Yugi, who had found Sunny's poor, empty little body and was looking at it mournfully.
"Yugi, I am truly sorry about your mouse," Yami said, laying a hand on his shoulder.
"We feel your pain as though it were our own!" Tea agreed, pinching Tristan's arm.
"What? Oh, yeah. Sorry about the mouse, dude. Has anyone seen Joey?"
"He went off with that nice lady called Mai," Mokuba told them.
"Shut up, slave. Don't think that you've seen the last of me, Yugi! I will have my revenge…soon…" Kaiba glowered, striding from the room, his coat swirling dramatically behind him.
"Bye, Yugi!" Mokuba shouted over his shoulder. "Enjoy the potatoes!"
"Hello, everyone! Um, how did I end up here?" Bakura asked, his sleep-rumpled hair falling endearingly over his half-opened eyes. He gave a small, kittenish yawn, stifling it with one slender, translucently pale hand, and looked around innocently.
"Hi, Bakura," Yugi said, sniffing bravely and looking up at him. "When you see your dark half, tell him that I forgive him for ending the life of my dearest companion."
"Oh. OK."
"So you're alright?" Yami asked, concernedly.
"Yeah. I guess so. I have my friends to see me through this troubled time, don't I?"
"Of course, Yugi!" Téa gushed, hugging him affectionately.
"Yeah. Absolutely. Hey, Yug, do you get cable?"
"And," Yugi continued, "you're all invited to his funeral!"
Well, that turned out better than the last sleepover I went to .;;
Just three extra notes:
1. For purists like me, the Ancient Egyptian god of masculine sexuality was in fact Amon. Yup, that was indeed another bit of completely useless information courtesy of moi.
2. OK, I guess that the whole "Kaiba kidnapping Yugi and forcing him to duel" thing was slightly borrowed from that highly annoying, toddler-worthy stuff they dared to call Yu-Gi-Oh! Pyramid of Light. So what?
3. Yes, actually, I was having fun with those little descriptions of Bakura up there. Hey, he's unspeakably gorgeous, I'm an obsessive fangirl…what can I say?
THE FORCE BE WITH ALL THOSE WHO REVIEW!
(ignores the script and runs off to rule the galaxy with Hayden Christiansen)