From: Cullenary_Delight (SadWard17_4-life (at) lonelyplanet. com)
To: ALineedICE_JAZZ (Polly-Alice1901 (at) yahoo. com)
Sent: Saturday january 14 2006 22:43:25

Subject: The ravings of a lost creature of the night

Dear Alice,

Forgive me for not answering any of your letters before. My only excuse is that I am troubled. Finding Victoria is proving to be no mean feat. How long has it been? I can't remember. Sometimes it seems as though an eternity has passed since I last saw her beautiful face, kissed her soft lips and held her to me, while at the same time it feels as if it were only yesterday. I am haunted by the memory of her, yet, an ever-growing part of me is starting to doubt if she was ever real to begin with.

Do not tell me I have been dreaming it all up, for I have all but forgotten the meaning of the word. Also, I am quite confident that in order to dream, one is required to sleep. However I have not verified this so I can not be certain. As a matter of fact, I am certain of only one thing these days; Without her my existence is pure and unbridled torment. Was she ever real to begin with, or is the memory of her merely a cruel fantasy?

Please excuse me, my 'infallible' memory seems to be getting less so, with each day that passes. Allow me to explain.

Yesterday I found myself in a clearing of sorts -'au natural'- clinging to an innocent poor soul's warm body for dear life, muttering her name under my breath. Almost like a mantra I lay there, repeating her beautiful name to myself over and over and over again. Of course I had to make a brisk exit when I finally regained my senses.

Speaking of this, uhm, 'episode', actually brings me to the reason I seek your help today. You see, I was wondering; Since I myself do not seem to have any recollection of how this particular situation came to be… perhaps you, do? I dare hope that a vision regarding the matter has befallen you.

Urgently awaiting your response,

Edward

From: ALineedICE_JAZZ (Polly-Alice1901 (at) yahoo. com)
To: Cullenary_Delight (SadWard17_4-life (at) lonelyplanet. com)
Sent: Saturday january 14 2006 23:24:25

Subject: Calling all Morons

Dear basket case,

As a matter of fact, yes. I know all too well how that little episode 'came to be'. I'll spare you the details but it involved you, trying to feed from a rubber chicken, only after you tried to order –and I quote- take-out, in a pet-store.

Allow me to explain.

You're mad, bonkers, off your head. And although 'but Alice, all the best people are' may seem like a witty response to this, rest assured that in this case, it isn't.

Not even close.

So the sooner you get this poppycock over with, the better. You'll return to Forks eventually, anyway. I should know, right? Delaying your return will only serve to make both you and Bella even more miserable than you already are. The girl is not doing too good herself in case you were wondering. I'll spare you the embarassing details for now but let's just say that you are not the only one hugging things you shouldn't be, ok? I wasn't purposely looking for it, I swear, but yesterday I had a vision of Bella, talking to an ice-pack. Edward, she has a face painted on it and everything! I'm no couldn't make this up even if I tried.

She's losing her marbles, fast. So unless you want to come back to a straight-jacket you should:

1) Hunt. Because Edward, if you don't, come tomorrow you'll be having something that looks suspiciously like a chinchilla -a chinchilla that has been dead for a considerable while- for dinner.

2) Come. Home. Now.

3) Don't even think about wearing those clothes out in public ever again. Burn them. Burn them now, or the Volvo gets it.

Alice

P.S. Drop the whole Mr. Darcy- act. You died at the time of the Spanish Influenza, not the Spanish inquisition. For goodness sake.

Oh and P.P.S That wasn't 'a poor soul's warm body', it was a thermos. But I guess I should thank you for making my point.

Disclaimer: Nothing twilight-related is mine, at all. Not even the sparkles. I do own any and all speling mitsakes.
AN: Nice to see you've made it all the way down here! Review, and thou shalt be replied to.