It's nearing one AM when I arrive to my apartment. I spent the last few hours trying to get into the system and get more information on the Erudite-Dauntless war plans, but there was nothing there that I didn't already know.
Exhausted, I kick my boots off and lie in my bed without even changing my clothes. As soon as my eyes close with a lull of sleep, a high, faint ring sounds outside my apartment. An alarm I've never heard before. It must be coming from far away to be so quiet, but instead of ignoring it, I go out to investigate, curiously.
I walk down the hallway and toward the elevators. The alarm grows louder and louder until I have to clamp my hands over my ears. I see Eric by the stairwell. As I approach the crowd that surrounds him, I hear him speak, his voice booming over the alarm.
"There's an electrical fire at the pit." He says, sounding bored, or tired. "We don't want to fry you all, so we're evacuating you to the top three levels of the pire."
I groan. I'm too tired to climb the steps, but burning to death doesn't sound that appealing, to I climb anyway.
When I get to the third floor from the top, the crowd is massive. Instead of elbowing my way through and finding a room, I decide to climb another flight. My heart is pounding but I try to ignore it. I get to the second level from the top, and there's still a crowd, but it's much thinner than downstairs. I stop to catch my breath and I scan the crowd. I see Uriah, Lynn, and Zeke going into an old bunkroom that was used to hold initiates way before I came here. I decide to go there, waving my way through the crowd and mumbling apologies.
I enter the dusty room and it's almost too dark to navigate. I hear a perky, annoying voice I recognize as Christina, and a lower voice, still female, Tris. I kind of smile. I feel my way to an empty bed and lie down. I don't even know if Uriah, Lynn or Zeke know I'm here. It doesn't matter, Tris is here, somewhere.
As my eyes adjust to the darkness I can see the people surrounding me. I look to my left and Uriah is there, and at his head is Zeke. Both of them are asleep; or at least on their way there. I look to my right, and Tris lies there, staring at the ceiling, only a few feet away. My eyes glue to her for a few minutes before I realize what I'm doing. I wish she would look back at me. Why? I don't know. But she doesn't, she keeps staring at the ceiling, probably lost in her thoughts. I decide to give up and roll over and try to sleep. I hear movement behind me that must mean Tris is doing the same. Sleep well. I say to her in my mind. Then I close my eyes.
I am standing in the tiny, dark, suffocating closet upstairs. Immediately I start to panic. Slamming my fists against the door over and over but it won't budge. Then it opens, and Marcus is standing there. His eyes replaced with dark pits, threatening to eat me whole. My hands are numb, my heart pounds so hard it hurts. "This is for your own good." He says, in the voice I'm all too familiar with. I shrink back as he raises his belt. I wake just before it hits my face.
I shoot up into a sitting position, gasping. I swing my legs over to one side of the bed, and hold my head in my hands, my breaths shaking and my hands still numb.
"Are you okay?" I hear Tris whisper. She just saw that. I lift my head to look at her, and nod, though anyone with eyes can see that I am not okay.
"Nightmares?" She asks again, pushing herself up to sit, and I nod again. I look at the space next to her; I want to go sit by her. Stupid. I look around briefly to see if anyone is awake, especially the initiates. Even breathing and still bodies are all that surrounds me. I smoothly shift to her right. Our bodies are close, six inches at most, and I can feel heat radiating from her small frame.
"Dauntless initiation has a way of scarring you, because I don't think they ever go away." I say, looking into her eyes. Not entirely true, in my case, because I relive my fears at least once a week, but I know for a fact that Zeke still has his from time to time. My hands are still numb and shaky. Her expression changes from concerned, to almost sad, scared.
She presses her head into her hands. She's thinking of her own nightmares, no doubt. The ones she faces day in and day out. The ones I am forced to watch her suffer in, no matter how badly I don't want to.
"I know." She says, after a long moment. I hear her screams from the simulations echo in my head and my heart aches for her. I wrap my arm around her shoulders, as a way of comforting her. Or maybe because I just want to touch her. She looks up at me. Her eyes are wet with tears, though they don't spill over her face. She looks confused, then wraps her arms around my waist and pulls herself into my shoulder. I'm shocked at first, but then I take my other arm and wrap it around her, running my fingers through her hair. I remember holding her at the funeral. I remember when she held my hand, briefly, in the hallway. And though I thought it was impossible to break down the walls that took me so long to build up, she broke them like a wrecking ball.
She doesn't cry. She just stays tight to my side silently. I love you, Tris. I say in my head. I almost say it out loud when she pulls her head back, confused.
"Four, isn't your apartment up here somewhere? Why are you here?" She says quietly. I smile slightly.
"Eric told everyone to go to the top three floors. My apartment isn't up this high, so I had to leave."
"I'm surprised Eric even told us at all." She says. "Running from a fire, not very Dauntless, is it?" I laugh a little, because it's true. I move my hand from her hair and around her torso to pull her closer. My arm wraps right around to her back. She really is small. I don't care. I feel charged with energy. I want to kiss her, and hold her until we fall asleep. I want to fight her nightmares for her. Get a hold of yourself, Tobias! I tell myself. I go back to her comment to distract myself from my desires, but they still exist in the deepest part of my mind.
"Some things are mandatory here, no matter how un-Dauntless it seems. If it were up to Eric, none of us would be here." But I'm glad it isn't up to Eric, or else I would still be in my apartment, alone. It's much better here, much better with her. We stay, staring at each other for a long moment. I love you, Tris. I almost say again. If I stay here for too long I'll actually say it. I really don't want to leave, but she needs to sleep, and so do I. I grin a little; it's easy to grin around her.
"I think you should go to sleep." I say, still grinning like an idiot. "Training is tomorrow at eight." She nods, smiling too. I press my lips to her forehead briefly. Oops. Then I let go of her and slide under the covers of my bed again. My body feels cold from the sudden absence of her. I lie on my back and close my eyes, replaying what just happened over and over in my mind. A smile crawls across my face and I leave it there. This is right. I think. I need to show her who I really… and I let myself slip before I can finish that thought.