Gravity

Awake

It hadn't been my intention to hurt him. No, never would I, conscious or unconscious, wound him so dispassionately; or so I kept telling myself, over and over. Somehow the image of his pain-stricken face still pierced me, like an unforgiving blade that would never be freed from my heart.

Fruitlessly, I tried to block him from my thoughts. After a few more torturous hours of tossing and turning in my bed, I realized just how hopeless it was. There was no way I could vanquish these thoughts! I was aware that no sleep would come of the night. For sleep meant dreaming, I told myself, and dreaming meant Haru. The end result: an even clearer visual of his oppressed and handsome face. No longer in control of my own thoughts, remembrance of his wounded face planted the void seed of depression in my heart and mind.

Haru's eyes usually possessed such warmth, but that night, I'd caused them to hold an almost tangible distress. It was incredible how much I could hate myself.

No matter. Loss and remorse had been the inevitable from the start of that long and painful night. Why? I was too in love with him. And yet, I recognized it was a fool's game to resist him. Stubbornness and incorrigibility were all that kept me from crawling back to him, now. Moronically, I thought it to be enough.

Although regret aimed to rip me apart, I'd make as many changes as I could for his sake. I loved him enough that I'd endure never seeing him again. I'd stomach the ache, the want- the binding need to feel his touch. To relieve him of our curse, I'd put space between us… even if shrouding my judgment, and barring my very movement, was immeasurable sadness.

Guilt and rage sliced me in half, smothering me as much as the stuffy air of my room. Most of my infuriation was directed at me. Before I abused myself any further, I needed to find some breathing space from my loathsome thoughts.

I pulled myself together then, relearning how to breathe. Self-hatred of this nature was unhealthy. Cool night air was what I needed. So, tearing open my dresser, I took out the first thing my hands touched; a light jacket. It was too thin for the frigid weather outside, but I didn't care. After putting it on, I began the climb down my apartment steps.

Before I could reach the front door, a soft knock stopped me dead in my tracks. The sound was all too familiar. It chased my newly found composure to hell and back. Eyes widened, arms crossed- I didn't know what to do. To answer the door, to run back upstairs, or to ignore him, and use the back door… Really, more than anything I wanted to hold him. I missed his scent, his touch, the gentleness of his lips… I was hollow, empty without him.

Regardless, my legs wouldn't allow me forward. They were lifelessly rooted to the ground. Another gentle knock, and I could hear Haru's footsteps distancing him from my doorstep. Cowardly, and horrible; that was me.

I shook my head.

Should I go after him?

My legs told me no, but my mind disagreed. It kept repeating the word coward over and over. So I could hurt him but not confront him? Stubborn being I was, I let my anger lead me.

I undid the lock on my door, and slid into the night. Streetlights illuminated the sidewalk, as cars, unusually quiet, passed alongside me. I could almost envision his face; his onyx eyes, his soft lips, his warm hands… I had to remind myself, again, that they were no longer mine. In a huff, I continued down the stretch of sidewalk. That is until the sound of foosteps, just behind me, made me spin around.

Turning towards the sound, my heart was suddenly in my throat. No farer than 10 feet away, Haru stood, clad in his snow-white jacket. At the sight of his soft white hair, I felt a surge of relief course through me. Relief and then terror. I hadn't exactly prepared an explanation. And he didn't give me time to think of one. My footsteps had alerted him, and shortly, I was taking on the stunned expression of a deer in headlights.

Earnest eyes carrying a look of almost palpable intensity, he strode towards me, each step carefully worked. His hands dipped into his pockets, most likely because of the icy night air, but still… The fierceness of his eyes, the way his figure approached me in a near perfect line, like he knew I'd try to run- it was beautiful and menacing at the same time. Not once did his onyx eyes leave mine. When I realized he wanted me to look at him, I turned, lost composure triggering much more than fear in me. It pissed me off that I'd risked coming out here. I didn't want to cut him any deeper than I already had. I could hear his footsteps closing in on me. Collectively, I decided that now was the time to leave. Haru's walk took on a more urgent air when he learned I meant to flee.

I couldn't think of a damned thing to say! I felt like an idiot. Petrified and scared… of what?

"Rin." His gentle voice came, just behind me.

I turned, this time, into his warm chest. We locked eyes. I turned again, but he caught my arm. Jerking away, he harshly gripped my shoulders, forcing me to look at him. Staring into his beautiful face, I could almost dismiss everything, and cling to him for life. But I wouldn't go back on what was right and just. He didn't need me. I was dead weight. Burdening. Dragging him down…

"You're cold, aren't you?" He questioned.

"Go home." I managed to say.

He shook his head.

"If you wanted that, you wouldn't be here right now."

His matter-of-fact tone stabbed me through with anger.

"I don't need you anymore. That's what I came to say."

Before I could begin to regret my words, he gave me a sad smile.

"Maybe not… But I need you."

I shoved his hands off of me, and this time he let me go.

"Stay away from me… Haru."

My voice broke on the last syllable of his name.

My knees crumbled, collapsing my entire body along with them. I thought I'd land on the cement but I felt a pair of warm hands gather me, inches before my skull hit. Nestled into his chest, the overhead sky so clear above me, I felt content. His scent was just as delicious as I'd remembered… It was the equivalent of a tranquilizer, even without the startling cold I felt, to add to my incapacitation. In my mind, I wanted to stay there forever. Never moving, never fully awake… Half asleep with his warm arms pressing me to him.

Distantly I could feel his lips molding to my forehead.

And then I fell asleep.

A/N- I've always been a big fan of the Rin/Haru pairing. Regrettably, I haven't read many convincing stories about their relationship, outside of the manga, so I plan to make one. Tell me your thoughts on this, and any constructive advice you might have is greatly appreciated.