Akkarin watched Sonea whilst she slept and as she slumbered erratically he became plagued by emotions that he couldn't escape from.
Looking out on the landscape of The South Pass he pondered over his return to the Guild all those years ago. After his enslavement and trauma in Sachaka, he had deliberately closed off his emotional core. He had kept himself separate from most other people there in order to protect himself from emotional attachment. Because feeling meant remembering and he didn't want to remember as, even now, it was too raw. It had been very easy to use his position as High Lord to create a gulf between him and Magicians at the Guild he knew that he cut an imposing figure, and he also found he could also numb himself with wine and intense study. Akkarin knew that extraneous caring would also prevent him focusing on his true purpose as protector of Kyralia . Thankfully, whilst there were many beautiful women in the Guild, none were of any consequence to him. He was aware that his tall, strong statue had attracted some feminine attention. However he was not interested in the flitting and flirting of the fairer sex. It was not a distraction he had even cared for... that was until Sonea careered into his life.
There was not a physical attraction to start with -he was aware she was pretty with her dark eyes and long wavy hair, but that was of little consequence. Sonea had only peeked his interest on an academic level, her stubbornness was aggravating, but he'd not met a more devout or more determined student before. She had more ability and willing to learn in her little finger than all the students in her year combined. And her magical strength was most impressive, though her lack of self-belief meant than she still didn't quite comprehend how much power she had. He felt a slight prick of guilt as he remembered watching her go through the trauma of being attacked by her fellow students but he'd been utterly entranced watching her fend them off that day. Time progressed and he'd become her Guardian which had been very tiresome initially due to her miscomprehension . Eventually, once he'd let her in on his secrets ,there blossomed a grudging respect from her and a relationship of sorts has evolved. They had spent long hours together since she'd pushed to learn Black Magic and it released feelings that he'd buried down for many years. He thought at first it was just frustration at her constant pushing back but he soon realised it was something else. Ultimately it was just her and the utter devotion she had to protecting others that made him realise how much he cared.
He considered their perilous journey so far in Sachaka and how it had brought them closer together. How he couldn't help but look at her, he tried to be surreptitious but he sensed he was failing miserably. It was almost an instinctive reaction to take in her whole being at every opportunity. She exuded a light and beauty he'd only ever encountered once before. The memory of his lost love sent prickles down his spine and he felt more sorrow than he could handle. One love gone forever and another love that he couldn't possibly pursue.
He resolved that he couldn't express his feelings for Sonea because, after all, he was still her guardian. He deliberated with the fact that since being expelled from Kyralia that he now wasn't but his protective feelings did not wane. He knew he had to protect her just as fiercely as Kyralia ,but that was turning out to be more difficult that he'd anticipated. This was partially because Soneas stubbornness at every turn was preventing him from following his destiny which was a dark path to follow to finally fend off the Ichani. Sonea had apparently other ideas and intuitively outmaneuvered him at each opportunity and seemed determined to protect him . Her apparent care and burgeoning attachment was the foremost reason not to show Sonea his feelings, he could not let her love him and then leave her-he couldn't be responsible for that.
As she stirred from her sleep he turned his gaze away