A/N: It's been so long since I uploaded anything!!!!! Here's some crack!fic to welcome myself back to the community haha. The usually apologies for grammar and typos. Please review.
It was a normal morning in the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital clinic. Patients came in and out with runny noses and broken bones, and the doctors couldn't be more bored with the rut they found themselves trapped in day after day, week after week. The only exception to the monotony of hospital life was an office on the third floor, home to the Department of Diagnostic Medicine. In that office dwelled House, the diagnostic genius, Taub, the witty and likable yet somewhat boring one, Kutner, the one who should be dead but somehow was not, and Thirteen, the hot bisexual with issues. This made up the grunt of diagnostics.
But for some reason, there were other people there, who seem to appear at random times when they really should be doing paperwork or training whales at Sea World. Wilson was there trying as hard as he could not to be too awesome, because if he allowed that to happen, he would blind the fans with his superior awesomeness and cause them to forget that other characters existed. He noticed that happened to Thirteen early in the fifth season, and people started to dislike her because of her overbearing powers of awesome. And if there was one thing he needed, it was for people to like him and his dead girlfriend. And then there was Cuddy. She was too busy pretending that her top was not low cut and that her skirt did not cling to her in places that were inappropriate for the work place to notice that there were other people in the room.
Chase and Cameron were also present, though Chase was distracted by the floppiness of his hair and no one could see Cameron because she was surrounded by a pink and rainbow cloud of caring, which she tried to carry over to Thirteen, who stood with a rain cloud overhead, complete with sound effects and its own water cycle. Thirteen moved closer into Cameron's proximity, causing rain to fall onto Cameron. The blonde doctor shrieked and fled, leaving Thirteen satisfied with her evasion of a rare disease that the hospital only knew by the acronym H.A.P.P.Y. No one could remember what the letters stood for, but they were all sure it had something to do with House's penis and Cuddy's baby who people tend to forget existed because the writers dropped that story arc.
"We have a case!" House declared, being sure to avoid Kutner as he began to cope with not being dead.
"Why am I here!?!?" the confused doctor shouted as he stood up and threw his hands in the air before getting the sudden urge to recite Shakespeare. "She should have died hereafter, there would have been a time for such a word..." he began.
"I AM NOT GOING TO DIE!!!!!!" Thirteen roared, now soaked from her cloud. It was obvious that Cameron wanted to comfort her, but did not want to go near the depressing cloud of doom.
"You have a terminal illness," Taub pointed out, seeming to be the only sane one.
"But my disease is like Cuddy's baby," she replied. "They never talk about it anymore!"
"It's true," Cuddy said, pretending not to stare at her cleavage. "I forgot I had a kid until you brought it up. I was too busy wearing low cut tops to impress House and then ignoring the fact that I've been trying to impress House to care."
In the meantime, Kutner was still reciting the soliloquy from Macbeth, and Chase was yelling at him to stop because he couldn't hear his hair swoosh.
"Didn't you say we have a case?" Taub asked House.
"Yep," House replied. "It was Foreman. He died."
"Yes, yes, yes, yes!!!!" Thirteen shouted, her rain cloud immediately disappearing. Suddenly, Shane from The L Word appeared, mounted Thirteen's lap, and began to kiss her vigorously. Surprisingly, the only person who took notice was Cameron.
"Oh no you don't you sexy yet womanizing and therefore disgusting skank!!!!!!" she shouted hysterically. "You don't even belong here!"
"One," Shane began as she flipped her hair better than Chase, "I'm not a womanizer. I just have issues with real relationships. Two, my show got canceled, so I decided to come to the only good network show with a bi/lesbian character for me to hook up with."
"Besides," Thirteen added, "all the viewers know that the writers need to give me a girlfriend. I mean, I thought that they were going to put me and Spencer together, but no, they had to give me Foreman." The two commenced kissing and groping and other erotic acts (because all anyone ever does on The L Word is have sex) and Cameron was left to seethe.
"I'M TRYING NOT TO EXIST!!!!" Wilson loudly stated, failing miserably at not existing.
"Let's play laser tag!" House decided instead of replying to Wilson.
"YEAH!!!!" everyone shouted, whipping out equipment from nowhere. The diagnostics office went dark, except for black lights that made their white lab coats glow, with the exception of Thirteen and Shane, who were not wearing lab coats, and Cameron, who's happy caring cloud had turned into and evil Satanic cult bent on preforming rituals meant to kill Shane, allowing Cameron to have Thirteen all for herself.
"OH MY GOD!!!" Kutner, who was no longer reciting Shakespeare, shouted upon realizing that the lasers were the type that kill. He aimed his laser everywhere, shooting holes in the walls, furniture, and Cuddy's cleavage (which made a big target).
Meanwhile, Wilson hit Chase with his laser, and the Australian dropped to the floor. Wilson was not very good at being discrete. Cameron was busy chanting spells, and as she did, Shane began to feel weaker and weaker. "Where did my endless sex drive go?!?" she wondered aloud. Suddenly, she too went as limp as Chase.
"MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Cameron laughed maniacally. "You are mine Thirteen, mine!!!!" Thirteen simply shrugged and let Cameron led her to a broom closet, where Thirteen promptly disposed of her as per the orders of the Soviet Secret Police. Upon returning to the diagnostics office, she found that Kutner really was the only one who realized that she had replaced the laser tag lasers with real ones.
"Well, my job is done. Nurse Brenda will be glad to hear about this."