A/N Thanks, as always, to my amazing Yoda Story Master Beta, Bethaboo.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Not even a little. I do own the insane idea of having a narcoleptic werewolf.

I'm posting this as a birthday present to myself.


"I should warn you, I go to sleep.
I know you don't know what I mean.
Yet, upset or happy, I go to sleep.
Nothing hurts when I go to sleep.
But I'm not tired. I'm not tired.
I know it seems that I don't care,
But something in me does, I swear.
I don't remember all last year,
I left you awake to cry the tears,
While I was dreaming in streams
Flowing between the shores of joy and sadness.
I'm drowning! Save me! Wake me up!
I should warn you, I go to sleep.
You won't know when I go to sleep,
Because I'm not tired.
I'm not tired; I just sleep."

--Ben Folds, Narcolepsy

BPOV

I had figured it out for myself. He had technically already told me that his tribe was descended from wolves when he told me about the Cullens being vampires. It seemed Jacob Black was now a werewolf. Now that I knew the secret, he couldn't stop me from seeing him. And if he tried to stop me, I'd kick his furry ass.

Oh, God. Does this make Jacob a furry?

I seriously hope not.

I drove down to La Push, and managed to find him coming out of the woods near his house. Sam Uley, and the rest of his gang were there, too. Oh. Maybe they're big hairy beasts, too. The only one I knew of the bunch was Embry Call, and he wasn't looking at me.

I approached Jacob, and made the split decision that he had jerked me around for long enough, and I would let him know. "So much for you not disappearing and your promises not to leave like he did, Jacob Black! You waited what, five hours before you broke it? You know, just because you're a damn werewolf does not give you the right to go back on your word and hurt your friends. Not. Cool. And killing people? Also not fucking cool."

To say that Jacob was surprised by my outburst would be an understatement. His mouth momentarily hung open when he heard the venom in my voice. He quickly schooled his features, and managed to look suitably remorseful of his action. Good. He should be. When I mentioned the killings, his eyes widened, but I couldn't quite make out the emotion in them. It looked like…confusion? Huh.

"What are you talking about? We only kill one thing, Bella. Vampires. Like the one in that meadow. The animal attacks you've been reading about were his work."

I guess it really was them who saved me from Laurent. Interesting. They could take down a vampire? I guess that was impressive.

"Way to gloss over the subject of broken promises completely, Jake. Good for you for not killing people, though."

Suddenly, in the middle of our conversation, I heard a loud thud coming from where Sam and the guys were. Jacob and I looked over, and saw Embry completely passed the fuck out.

What the hell?

I must have said it out loud, because Jacob looked back at me, and said, "He has narcolepsy. Usually, strong emotions will put him in a dead sleep. It's a thing," he explained, waving his hand in dismissal. "I wonder why he passed out this time."

I heard Sam cough behind Jacob, who turned back to him and raised an eyebrow. "What was it, do you know?"

"Um. I think we may have another Emily situation on our hands," Sam replied, quite cryptically, too, if you asked me.

"Shit," Jacob swore. "Are you kidding me? He fucking imprinted? On Bella? That is so very far from fucking ok!"

I was sort of baffled by what he was saying. What the hell is imprinting, and why would that matter? Whatever it was, Jacob was clearly pissed off about the development.

Apparently, everyone seemed to think it was quite alright for me not to know what they meant by any of this, and that I should probably hear it from Embry, since it really was about the two of us. There was a two of us between Embry and I?

O.o

There was, in fact a two of us. I learned all about what it meant to imprint, and about the pack. Now that I was an imprint, I was allowed to know all the pack secrets. I had to admit, it was actually sort of interesting. Embry was now retrospectively proud that he was the first one to catch Laurent and tear his leg off to protect me.

Of course, I later found out that as soon as he tore off the leg, he proceeded to go to sleep. Apparently, killing vampires was just a bit too much excitement for our dear Embry.

It was months after that first day in Jacob's back yard when I finally decided to give Embry a chance. I had been really good about not seeking out his voice for a while now, and I wanted to keep it that way.

Embry was nothing if not attentive to me. I had always compared Mike Newton to a golden retriever; Embry would have to be a black lab. Except that he was grey with black spots when he turned into a wolf. So I guess the analogy isn't perfect there, but he was attentive.

And, he was pretty.

It took me a while to notice it, but Embry really was a very attractive man. His chest and stomach muscles sometimes made my girly parts flutter. I once made the mistake of telling him that he was beautiful, and he did get fairly angry. Who knew that boys really didn't like it if you called them beautiful? "I'm a man, Bella. I'm handsome," he informed me.

He quickly became an even better friend to me than Jacob had been. He was absolutely devoted to giving me whatever I need. He wasn't as quick to smile as Jacob, but when he did, it was warm and bright, and reminded me of sunshine as much as Jacob did.

I told him as much one day, and he got really upset. I'd been warned that when werewolves get angry or upset, they couldn't help but phase, so I backed up. I apparently forgot to take into account that Embry wasn't a normal man, or a normal wolf, either. He just went to sleep when I said that.

I later found out that there was some sort of scandal. He hadn't told his mother about the whole werewolf thing, because he wanted to protect the secret. He did, however, find out once he phased that the man he thought was his father really wasn't. Only people who were related to the original wolf pack could become wolves, and his father was not one of them. Apparently, he was either a half-brother of either Jacob, Quil Ateara, or Sam. No one knew which one, but when his attention was called to it, Embry tended to get rather upset. I didn't blame him.

o.O

I graduated high school in May with the rest of my class. It was fairly anti-climatic, if you asked me. Victoria had been trying to kill me for months, but she had always managed to evade capture by the wolves, much to Embry's chagrin. I was never alone, and I was very rarely even at Charlie's any more.

One day, Embry's mother was out, so I decided to make him dinner. It had been a while since I had made fish tacos, so I decided to remedy that fact. Instead of regular fish, I got some shrimp, which I battered and deep-fried. I put them in the corn tortillas I bought, and added some homemade pickled cabbage, and chipotle mayo, and set them on the table. I had to make dozens, because I knew Embry, like all of the wolf pack, could eat a ton of food.

That night, we learned an important lesson: Embry goes to sleep when he eats food he really enjoys.

Seriously.

When he woke up, he raved about the tacos, and started telling me how fantastic I was. He asked me what the occasion was, and I told him that I thought I was ready to start a real relationship with him. He was so excited that he swept me into a huge hug, my feet dangling in the air. I felt him harden against me right before we dropped to the ground.

Apparently, Embry goes to sleep when he's sexually aroused, too.

I had been coming around to the fact that I actually really did want a real sexual relationship with Embry. He was attentive, sweet, funny, and intelligent. And he had that whole badass, "I'm a big bad wolf" thing going on. He really was quite beautiful as a wolf, too.

Shit. Did thinking that make me a furry?

I fucking hoped not.

O.o

Embry and I progressed our physical relationship slowly. It was difficult at first, because every time he touched me in the beginning, he would get aroused, and sleep. It was simultaneously disheartening and flattering. It was a powerful feeling that I aroused him so much that he went to sleep. I had thought I was sexually frustrated with Edward, but at least I knew that he couldn't get any closer to me without killing me. Embry didn't have the same problem, which just left him a very sexually frustrated girlfriend.

It was two months before we could make out without him sleeping. It was another month before he managed to use his fingers to get me off. The first five times he even felt my wetness, he slept. When he finally managed to bring me to orgasm, the smile on his face was blinding.

The pack had finally caught Victoria, and it was such a relief not to have to worry about her showing up somewhere and killing me, or any of my friends. The pack had become as much of a family as the Cullens had ever been, with the guys as my brothers, and Emily and Kim as my sisters. I was exceedingly grateful that no one had been harmed in the fight. Embry had elected to stay here and guard the girls and me in case we were attacked, and after once proving that Embry still suffered from his narcolepsy in wolf form, everyone thought he'd be most useful in La Push.

A week after the battle, Embry and I found ourselves in his bedroom while his mother was out for the night. We had both shed our clothing, and our lips were melded together.

His tongue was touching mine, caressing mine, and the fire of his skin was adding to the sudden heat I felt. His hand moved from my waist and found purchase on my breast, teasing and massaging the flesh. I moved one of my hands down his back, and grabbed his ass firmly. A small growl rumbled through his chest, and I broke away from his mouth to kiss around to his ear. I lightly bit down, and he ground himself into me. God was I glad that he could do that now.

I had been physically ready to take our relationship to the next level for some time, but I had been hesitant, because I had promised myself that when I had sex for the first time, it would be with someone I loved. After months of dating, and seeing how he protected me from Victoria, I was finally sure.

"Embry, I love you," I said, simply.

"Oh God, Bella, I love you, too. So much," he replied.

He teased my entrance with his fingers, and groaned at the wetness. I felt him twitch against my leg. He slipped his fingers into me, and began exploring the flesh inside of me. His thumb grazed my clit, and I sucked in a huge breath. That felt so much better with his warm fingers than it did with my own. He continued to circle my clit, and pump his fingers within me until he brought me to my climax.

As soon as I came down from my high, Embry returned to kissing me. He removed his fingers, and wrapped them around his length, and positioned himself at my entrance. He slowly pressed into me, groaning loudly as he did.

The intrusion was a bit uncomfortable, but there was pleasure mixed in. It was good I'd just gotten off, because I was so relaxed before he started. His heat encompassed me, and I was surprised that there was no jarring pain. Once he was finally fully seated inside of me, the discomfort had begun to subside.

I expected him to begin to move, as his arms were shaking with restraint, but he didn't. I flexed my hips tentatively, and I suddenly felt all his weight on top of me.

Fuck.

I don't know why I never considered that finally being inside a girl would cause an extreme emotion in him. I mean, if eating a taco could make him sleep, why didn't I think him putting his dick inside of me would do the same?

He eventually woke up, still inside of me. He hardened again very quickly, as teenage males are apparently able to do, and began to move inside of me. He didn't say a word, but I saw both desire and apology in his eyes, and felt his love and gratitude in his kiss.

When he came deep inside of me, he slept again. This would not be something that practice or repetition could ameliorate. My narcoleptic werewolf certainly gave new meaning to the old saying that a man couldn't stay awake after sex. We quickly decided that me being on top was a good solution to not getting smothered by a heavy, hot, and unconscious werewolf after sex.

It also helped me get off more consistently. I'm all about the unexpected bonuses like that.

o.O

Embry and I found out not long after he graduated from high school that I was pregnant. His hands had been in his pocket while I told him the news, and his head bowed. I assumed he was trying to keep his panic in check to avoid an inadvertent nap, but when I finished informing him, he looked up at me with a blinding smile on his face, and removed his hands from his pocket. As he lifted his right hand, he turned over his fist, and dropped to one knee. He unfurled his fingers, revealing a small diamond ring.

It wasn't huge, but it was beautiful. "Marry me, Bella? I've been trying to plan a romantic way to ask you, and have been carrying this around in my pocket for months. Somehow, this moment seems the most perfect. Will you be my wife?"

Touched by his words, I told him yes, and flung myself into his waiting arms. We tumbled to the ground with him cushioning my fall as he slept from joy.

We were married in a small Quileute ceremony on First Beach. It was a beautiful, rare sunny day. He only slept after our kiss. I had come to realize that his sleeping may be considered annoying to some, but simply showed me the depth of his love for me on a regular basis.

O.o

Nine months had finally passed, and I was two days past my due date with our twins. I wasn't sure if I looked more like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man or a beached whale. Maybe I was some weird crossbreed of the two. In any case, I was huge and uncomfortable. Embry had been amazingly attentive throughout my pregnancy, but I was beginning to get irritable.

A sudden pain in my abdomen alerted me to the fact that I would not be able to finish watching the episode of Spin City I had just started. The rush of water when I stood up merely confirmed my suspicions. I was in labor.

Embry raced into the room after hearing my small cry, and asked what was wrong.

"My water just broke! I'm in labor!" I informed him, both panicked and excited for the twins to finally arrive.

I really never had learned mask my emotions, and my exclamations fed Embry's, and, before I knew it, he was in a heap on the floor. Shit.

I waddled over to the phone, and called Jacob, who lived a couple houses down the road. "Jake? Hey. It's Bella. Yeah, my water just broke, and Embry is now on the floor, sleeping. Can you come pick me up and take us to the hospital?"

"Oh. Shit. Yeah. Give me two minutes, and I'll be right there," he assured me.

True to his word, Jake was at my door in two minutes. He carried me to his car, before he returned to do the same with Embry. We arrived at the hospital in record time, and Em woke up just in time to help me out of the car and into the wheelchair.

My labor was long. It was painful. It made me glad that I couldn't squeeze Embry's hand hard enough to do any lasting damage. It made me livid that I could not cause Embry any serious pain so that he could suffer along with me. Fucking men have the seriously easy part of the whole baby-making process. I sure as hell was not planning on poppin' out any more damn puppies for him.

When our first son cried, I was weeping with joy that he was out and healthy. I was also weeping with exhaustion, but no one needed to know that. At least, they didn't until I heard a loud crash and saw my husband sleeping beside me.

I began to yell. It just wasn't possible to stop the vitriol from spewing. "You are not allowed to sleep until I sleep, you son of a bitch! Wake your ass up and help me through the next one! Then we both can sleep, Damnit!"

He finally came to moments after our second son was born. His smile was brilliant as he watched the doctors clean our little babies.

I was handed them, and was overcome by their tiny perfection. They had his jet black hair, and my pale skin. Hopefully, they'd at least be able to tan. Embry finally made noise indicating that he wanted to hold them, and started reaching for the little blue bundles.

"Don't you dare, Embry Call! Sit your ass down, so that you won't hurt our sons if you sleep."

I saw a quick flash of anger in his eyes, but it was quickly replaced by acceptance. He knew as well as I did that our sons' wellbeing mattered most, and he would do anything to keep them safe and happy.

I was right. As soon as our sons were placed into his arms, and he looked at their tiny features, he was out like a light.

I knew there was a decent chance that one or both of our little werewolf puppies would be narcoleptic, as it is a genetic disorder. That being said, I knew that whatever hardships they faced could be overcome.

Embry and I faced many challenges in our relationship over the years, but looking at my husband holding our sons, all in deep sleep, I knew that it was all worth it. I looked forward to our future here in the quiet town of La Push, where our puppies would grow to be strong like their father.

A/N This crackfic started late one night when my fabulous beta, Bethaboo, misread the title of a new fic, "Where Poppies Grow". Really, when faced with the phrase "Where Puppies Grow", I immediately said "La Push!" We were immediately saddened that there were no fics we knew of by this name. It happened to be April Fools Day, and I had a strange desire to write a crackfic o/s. When my roommate and I watched "Is It Possible?" after "Mythbusters" was on, they had a segment on a narcoleptic dog. They kept going back and forth, comparing the dog to a narcoleptic human. The plot for the fic gelled in my head, and I just had to write it out. Hope you enjoyed it!

I mean absolutely NO disrespect towards anyone who happens to be narcoleptic. This is just meant to be funny.