I'd acquired an extra trunk, for my books and preferred equipment. My original, well-worn one held my clothing well enough with a few personal items, but was not near large enough to pack up my life, such as it had been. Between the contents of the two (as I surveyed them) there was little else that would be required during my tenure, certainly not that I couldn't easily acquire in Hogsmeade, or at Hogwarts proper. I had my own scales, and knives, those were coming with me, but a cauldron was a cauldron and personal stocks were most easily prepared in the classroom labs; Dumbledore made certain to have high quality ingredients available in the school stores, including rare items that were not so easily purchased outside of academia.
The owl had been unexpected being two months into the school term already, but the letter was eloquent, not so much mentioning the departure of the previous Potions Instructor, (rumored to have been inspired by fear of recent 'dark' sightings) but inquiring if I might be prepared to return to the halls to assist an old friend, and take up a professorship. How could I say no? In truth, Potions was not the position I had initially applied for at Hogwarts, but it was an opportunity, even if it meant potentially having to correct someone else's teaching methods to students who had developed habits; likely not good ones, over those first two months.
It seems it was to be a weekend of unexpected arrivals for me.
The sun had long since set, it was perhaps 10 in the evening, full dark, and quiet. I chose to live on the outskirts of town for many reasons; tonight just one of them, preferring to be far from the Hallows Eve parties that were likely only just getting underway. I'd been invited to the celebrations at Hogwarts, 'a good way for the students to get to know you', Albus had said. I had declined, preferring to take the one last evening to close up my house, ready to meet the children at the front of a classroom; best not to instill some improper sense of familiarity in a party-like atmosphere I thought.
Perhaps it was fate then, that found me at home, and still up and about when the knock came on my door. Picking up my wand, out of a sense of security, I unlatched the door, not knowing whom exactly to expect there.
"Lily?"
Even though the figure in front of me had her travelling cloak pulled up over her head, there was no mistaking her hair, long auburn tendrils curling out from the hood, resting against the black wool.
"Could I please come in Sev?"
Her voice was quiet, but shaky, quite unlike her, a woman with great confidence and bearing.
"Of course." I stood aside and let her pass, latching the door behind her against a yet unknown threat.
Bare fingers emerged from the folds of the cloak, lowering her hood as she stood in front of my fireplace. I was glad at the moment I had kept it lit, keeping the house secured against the night chill, and providing some comfort, against whatever it was that had her so upset. Though she had tried to disguise it by keeping her head down, I could see the fading streaks from tears on her cheeks, and the rose of swollen lips.
"What's happened Lily?" I asked, keeping my voice calm, so as not to agitate her with my own concern.
"I'm sorry Sev, sorry I just showed up like this. I just," I could see her clenching her jaw against letting any more tears fall.
"Nonsense Lily, you are always welcome here, I'm glad that you knew that." I reached out, "Let me take your cloak and hang it up. Can I get you some tea?"
"Thank you." She let me unwrap her, and I stowed her cloak in the closet on a roundabout way to the kitchen to put on the kettle.
"You're packing? She turned slowly towards the kitchen door, where I had my back to her at the sink.
"Albus sent an owl, he needs a new potions teacher. He's offered me the position." I lit the burner with my wand and set the kettle upon it.
"Sev that's wonderful news. Congratulations. I know you've been thinking about going back to Hogwarts for a little while now. You must be so pleased." She seemed to be trying to use her happiness for me to banish the thought of whatever it was that was bothering her. I pulled two cups from the cupboard and went in search of the sugar. I'd meant to leave packing up the kitchen for last, but after my dinner it had seemed most efficient to get a start on it. The sugar was up on the top shelf, a flick of my wand brought it down to the counter for me, along with the tea.
"Are you excited?" Her voice was much closer now; she'd stepped into the small kitchen beside me.
"I'm looking forward to it Lily. " I poured out the water from the now whistling kettle. "But you haven't told me what's happened with you." I turned, handing a cup to her. It rattled a little on its china saucer when she took it.
"I don't even know where to begin Sev."
"Come and sit down then. I've always found it simplest to start at the beginning."
"I'm not even sure I know the beginning of it all." She sat gracefully, looking more at the steam curling from the cup than anything else.
"James?" I inquired.
"That's part of it."
"Why don't you start there then? Where is he?"
"Out with his mates. Well into his cups by now I imagine."
"Does he do that often?" Her sigh answered that question.
"I'm sorry Lily."
"It isn't that I want to reign in his having fun or anything like that Sev," she paused. "God knows we all deserve some type of respite from our troubles."
"But?"
"But sometimes it feels like he's running away, or ignoring things that are really important, maybe ignoring me. It's hard not to be angry, and scared, and sad, sometimes all at the same time."
She took a long drink of the tea and sat in silence for a good few minutes, looking back at the fire as if she expected someone to materialize from it. I gave her those moments to gather herself before I tried to ask her any questions. She tried to deflect the conversation once again before I could make further inquiry.
"I'm sorry I interrupted your packing Sev."
"You're changing the subject Lily."
"I suppose I am."
"You came here because you wanted to talk to someone."
"And I couldn't think of anyone else I could trust like I trust you Sev." She tried to smile, but it looked a little half-hearted; not for lack of sincerity, but rather an abundance of gravity in the statement.
"Lily, you can tell me anything, you know that."
"I've been having dreams." I put my cup down and moved a little closer to her. This was something I took seriously; not just because of what Dumbledore had been telling me about premonitions of late, but because it was Lily, not a woman who was prone to exaggeration and drama.
"What are you dreaming about Lily?"
"Being trapped. The place is familiar, hallways I recognize, I think, but, different, you understand?" Her look asked for reassurance.
"Yes. I think so."
"Like things that should be full of light are all dark, and there are things in the shadows. And I want to run away but I can't."
"Like you are frozen in place?"
"I think I can move, but I don't, like something is holding me back?"
"A spell?"
"Maybe, I don't know. I just know that when I wake up I have this horrible sense of dread Sev. It's as if the air around me is heavy, like the thing I need to breathe is suffocating me. And it takes ages to shake the feeling so I can even get out of bed."
"After you're awake then, these feelings continued?"
"Yes."
"And what does James say?"
"He says I'm over–reacting, that the meetings are scaring me and I'm just having nightmares, but that isn't it Sev. It just feels like so much more than a dream. I mean, this fight is important, all these threats from this dark wizard, that's why we have the Order after all. I just don't know why James doesn't understand?"
"You aren't over-reacting Lily. You're being prudent. We cannot let our guards down right now. There is a great evil brewing. No one should be out celebrating, or getting drunk right now, we who are tasked with protecting others must stand ready to act."
"That's what I've tried to tell James. But he thinks I'm just hormonal or something."
"He said that to you?" I could feel my own anger simmering. I held it in check for her sake.
"If you were with us, in the Order Sev, I know you could make the others see the truth. I know that you haven't always gotten on with everyone, but that was a long time ago, when we were children. Things are so much different now. Why don't you come out with us?"
"Albus has me working on other things. Being at Hogwarts may even be a part of it; though he hasn't chosen to share that possibility with me yet."
"It would be good for you to be there, to protect the students."
I nodded. Albus Dumbledore was not always the most forthcoming man, the fact that he specifically had told me not to join the Order, to maintain an appearance of neutrality, all the while gathering information that I could share with no one but him, fostered a small seed of distrust; or perhaps it was concern. I would have liked to be able to share more with Lily. I suppose, she would have been the only one I would have told if I could have confided in anyone. Perhaps Dumbledore knew that as well. Perhaps he was counting on it. One could not help but have the impression that he had a much greater sense of what was going to transpire than any of the rest of us, but had chosen not to share it for some much greater purpose.
Lily sighed again, just as deeply. I worried that my silence might have been construed as indifference. I cautiously reached out and covered one of her hands with mine.
"I understand why you are concerned Lily. And I am disappointed that no one else is taking you seriously." I wouldn't say his name again. I wouldn't set myself at odds with him. I had lost that battle before and it still stung; more so with Lily sitting in front of my fire, her shoulders hunched over a little, tears welling against her lower lids.
"Thank you Severus." She whispered. It made me tremble just a little to hear her say my full name. It sounded so very thoughtful on her part. The tears were falling now, she made no attempt to stop them, only wiped them away on the sleeve of her shirt.
I clutched a little harder at her hand, taking a few deep breaths of my own. She looked at me, green eyes shimmering through the tears, lower lip trembling, more beautiful to me than I can ever remember seeing her. It was she who curled into my chest, the sobs becoming audible, and I could do nothing but hold her there, as tightly as I dared.
"I'm so scared Severus, and there isn't anyone I can talk to about it except you. Something terrible is going to happen and I don't know how to stop it."
I felt myself lean over her, pressing a small kiss against her crown. Lily was the only person in the world I would have dared share that familiarity with, the only one who inspired me to be a better man, the only one who ever had, and the only one who would ever hear the next words I would speak. And I could hardly believe I had let myself say them.
"I swear Lily, I will never let anything happen to you. I would give my life to save yours."
Her sobs quieted though I still felt her gasping breaths against my chest. I berated myself silently, knowing that she would most certainly pull away from me now. These were not the words a friend was supposed to say to you, they were the words her husband should have said.
"Severus?" Her voice was muffled against my shirt, now noticeably damp. She leaned back, I was afraid of the disdain I was about to see in her eyes, and the hatred for overstepping, or worse, the pity. I could accept almost anything from her, just not pity.
"Lily, I." She stopped me.
"No one has ever said something like that to me Severus."
"I'm sorry."
"For what? Sorry that you said it, or sorry because it isn't true?"
"Sorry that I've upset you. I never meant to do that. But Lily, I meant every word. I would die for you."
The tears stopped, and those eyes stared right at me, boring into my soul, looking, perhaps, for some kind of falsehood or platitude? I felt uncomfortable and stood, to walk away from her, not that I knew exactly where I was going to go. She followed, still searching my face for something.
Not speaking, she reached out to rest her hand upon my cheek, and very slowly she brought her face to mine, and pressed her lips over my mouth, gently breathing with me with the barest of pressure. My whole body started, and for a split second I felt so lightheaded that I thought I might fall back onto the settee.
When she leaned away I pursued her, my kiss hard and desperate, years of longing pent up behind it. She yielded to me, allowing me to taste her, and steal gasps from her chest as I crushed her body to mine, unwilling to let go of the intimacy. But finally breathless, we rested our foreheads together, my eyes closed, my arms locked around her hips. I didn't know what to say, and so I waited for her.
"You've always been there for me Severus, haven't you?"
"From the day I told you about our world Lily."
"I remember those days Sev, on the riverside, where you made the flowers dance for me."
"Even then I could see how kind you were, and how talented you were going to be Lily."
"You introduced me to everything. I was so scared back then, the thought of Hogwarts, and leaving home. Knowing you were going to be there for me was such a comfort, you've always been that for me, even when I wasn't there for you."
"We don't have to talk about that Lily." Truthfully, I didn't want to talk about it, about being the target of bullies, of losing her to one of them, about learning to hide every feeling; whether rage, love or sadness, so that no one would know that I was hurting. It was a façade I had so cemented, that I bear it even today; except for when it comes to thoughts of her.
"Why have you been so kind to me Sev?"
I reached out to stroke her hair, curling the tips between my fingers.
"You are worth everything to me Lily."
I leaned in to kiss her again but she pulled away just slightly, whispering.
"I shouldn't."
"I know."
Right or wrong, I kissed her again.
I felt her hands wrap around my neck, under the hair I had grown long in childhood, to disguise myself behind. She brought an equal force of passion to my own, and did not object as I ran my fingers underneath the waist of her sweater, daring, somehow to touch her perfect skin. I felt her arch against my touch, and let my hands rest in the small of her back, bringing my hips to hers, the barest pressure sending a rush all the way to my fingertips. It was her hands that pulled my shirt from the waistband of my trousers. As much as I hated to release her, it was for a good purpose, as I tore through the buttons, tossing it over the back of the settee.
She watched, breathing through parted lips, her pupils wide black in contrast to her green; not, thankfully from shock, but from something distinctly different, evidenced by her shedding her sweater and cautiously reaching back to me. I tangled my fingers with hers against my chest and began walking backwards towards my bedroom, Lily following.
It was as if there was no one else in the world just then, the walls of the bedroom shutting out every other reality except the two of us. All in silence, except for the sound of the bedclothes rustling, she and I looked at each other, and I shadowed her as she lay back, slipping her arms from the silken camisole to reveal herself to me. I leaned in to kiss her softly, to show her that she had not misplaced her trust in me. From her mouth I trailed across her jaw and down her neck, slowly, breathing in the scent of her, tasting the salt of her skin, lingering enough to feel her tremble, and, once I'd moved to her chest, to feel the halting breaths and rapid pounding of her heart.
I raised gooseflesh on her skin as I followed the tracings of my tongue with warm breaths, taking in the swells, and their crowns until she once again arched into me, and I intensified my motions as she demanded with her whispered moans. Her hands looped around me, resting gently atop my head as her hips pushed against mine.
It was nothing to help her shimmy out of her pants, and I planted a few kisses against her abdomen before I shed mine as well. Together, vulnerable, I returned to her, and returned to worshipping her with my hands and my mouth. The room was warm, thankfully, and the only trembling between us was self-induced. My kisses and my warm breath lit at the tops of her legs, fingers gently coaxing them apart, asking her to grant me even more of her trust as I brought my mouth to her again, stroking and tasting her, committing everything to memory, loving every inch of her; every small movement she made, feeling every held breath and taut muscle. Knowing, somehow, that this night would be the only one we might ever have, knowing that I needed to memorize every detail to comfort me in the long, darkness to come.
Despite those desires, others overrode then, eventually. And I had to settle myself for a just a moment, and allow Lily to take a few deep breaths of her own before I came to lay over her, finally, and slipped within her body, intending to savor every stroke. Until she began to rock against me, that was.
It was she that drew everything from me: the physical passions, and the depth of emotions that brought me to the peak of my climax, enveloped by hers. I pulled her into my arms and held her tightly as we both let exhaustion take over us, breathing audibly, chests heaving. Somehow, without a word, we both fell asleep.
I don't know what finally woke me, the house was quiet, the fire had died down, and the world around us seemed to have simply paused. Perhaps it was Lily herself, turning about in the scattered sheets that pulled me back to consciousness. I opened my eyes to meet her sleepy ones fluttering, knowledge seeping back into them.
"Oh, Severus." Those beautiful green eyes grew wide; not the blown pupils from earlier, the ones in the depths of our mutual desires. These were full of fear.
"Lily, it's alright."
"Oh Severus, I'm so sorry."
I reached for both of her hands and laced them into mine.
"You have nothing to be sorry for Lily."
"But what I've done, to you, I came here because you are my friend, and now, I've ruined all of that, I've ruined everything. You must hate me." Her brow was wrinkling and tears were forming in her eyes.
"No, Lily. No. Please don't cry." I didn't want to declare what we had done a mistake, didn't want to apologize for how I felt for her, didn't want to paint over anything that we had done. I wanted that memory to be perfect, unblemished, because I knew it would have to sustain me. "I could never, ever hate you." It was all I could say. I hadn't thought anything through, and I hadn't dared think about the implications of our intimacy. I had just wanted her so badly, and that had led me to ignore everything else.
"I don't know what to do now Severus."
"Let me, let me get you some tea, we can talk about this." I rarely felt at a loss for words; it was the one thing I did have, a gift for retort, but right then I was floundering. I stumbled from the bed, grabbed up a robe and flung it over myself so she wouldn't have to look at me and be reminded. I left her behind.
As the water boiled I rested my hands on the kitchen counter, let my head sag and my shoulders slump. Tears dropped onto the counter and I did nothing but let them fall until the kettle began to whistle at me. With a deep breath, trying to steady myself I prepared the leaves and water and poured out a cup for her. I was surprised that my hands didn't shake as I set it down on the bedside table and then sat down on the edge of the bed, looking at her own tearstained face.
"Tea?" She whispered.
I nodded.
"Don't try to fool me Severus. You're a potions master, but I studied too. Lethe root?"
"It is."
"You want me to forget?"
"No, I don't want you to forget anything. But I also don't want you to suffer. I would rather you forgot about me, than have the memories of something you cannot bear."
"Severus, it isn't that, not at all. I just don't know what to do, every choice I make hurts someone. And I am still afraid."
"The only one who doesn't deserve to hurt is you Lily. Your dreams, your worries, they have to be taken seriously."
"How can you be so kind to me Severus?"
I smiled, curling up one side of my lips, not looking at all convincing I imagined.
"Because I love you."
That hung between us for a very long time. I searched her face for any sign that she would recoil from that pronouncement. There was none.
"I will always protect you." I reached out and took her hand, and thankfully she let me. "I don't want you to forget, I want you to remember everything, I want you to stay here, with me, or you could come to Hogwarts. Dumbledore would never turn you away, and then you would have not only my protection, but his. Or, you could drink the potion, and walk away. I will never speak a word of what has happened. The choice is yours."
"I don't want to make this choice Severus."
"But you have to." I made to stand up but she clutched at the collar of my robe, and then pulled me towards her.
"I don't want to forget you."
That time she kissed me and pulled me off balance as she fell back onto the bed.
It was her gift to me, I made love to her slowly, lavishing in every touch she bestowed on me, echoing each moan and cry. I took that gift, returned it as best I could, and finally left her sleeping, wrapped in my blankets, decisions forestalled for a few more hours. I dressed quietly, closing the bedroom door enough that I wouldn't disturb her, but not enough so that I wouldn't hear her if she called to me.
Wand in hand I moved more books into the open trunk, settling them carefully, looking around to see what I might have forgotten; not that I wouldn't have leave to return here should the need arise. There was very little in the house that bore any particular significance for me. Nothing that called out to be packed away for travel, except my books and tools, as I had mentioned before. It would be easy to put a spell over the whole place to essentially freeze it from accumulated dust and decay until summer break. I was avoiding thinking about her. I knew that. Being practical, getting my work done, trunks ready to be picked up in the morning, ready for my new life at Hogwarts. I hadn't however, expected another visitor on my doorstep just as the sun was rising.
"Snape?" The voice was a little muffled, but quite unmistakable. I looked around at my small living room, spied Lily's sweater over the arm of the settee, and sent it flying around the corner to the bedroom with a whisper and a flick of my wand. Only after that did I open the door to James Potter.
"Is she here Snape?" The dichotomy in the way they addressed me was not lost.
"James." I responded.
"Is Lily here?" He asked again.
"She's asleep, she was very upset last night."
"I know. I messed things up badly last night. I should have listened to her."
That was unexpected.
"She was right, about the danger. Have you heard the news yet?"
I hadn't.
"There was a train wreck, dozens of Muggles killed, for no good reason, by his Death Eaters. Trying to make a point to all of us. She was right, something terrible was coming, is coming, and I ignored her."
I felt cold.
"Come in." I muttered at him.
"I knew she would come here." He planted himself down in an armchair, and dropped his head into his hands. "I should never have left her last night."
I wasn't sure I wanted to agree with him.
"She is a very intelligent woman."
"Smarter than I am. Snape I made a huge mistake, I need to tell her I'm sorry, hope she'll forgive me. All of us, we have to work together now."
"I couldn't agree more." The voice had come from behind me, I hadn't even heard her get up. I couldn't turn around to look at her. She walked past me, hair perfect, clothing perfect, face, perfect.
"Lily?"
"Severus should come with us, to the Order. We need him."
"You know that Dumbledore has me working on other things Lily."
"We need you." I saw her arm twitch, perhaps reaching for mine. It was subtle; I can't imagine James had seen it.
"I should let you talk." I walked back to the bedroom and closed the door. The teacup I had left for her had moved, I spied it by the sink in my small bethroom and it was empty. I couldn't pick it up then, because I knew that I wouldn't be able to hold it steady. Sitting down hard on my bed I pulled the blanket, the one she had been wrapped in, to my face and took breath after breath through it, composing myself, knowing I had to go back out there to them eventually. I wasn't afraid, I suppose I was just sad, but I forced the practiced neutral face over my own, and waited until she came back, opening the door slowly.
"Sev?"
"Everything all right Lily?"
"I'm going to go home now."
I took a deep breath, and stood up, setting the blanket aside.
"If you think that is for the best."
"It's what I have to do. But I want you to know, I will never forget that you were here for me." She reached for my hand and squeezed it. "You are the best friend I've ever had, and I need you to know that."
"I will always be here for you Lily."
"And I love you." Her smile was shy, perhaps even just a little hesitant, and her green eyes held my gaze for more than a few heartbeats. "We'll speak soon. I promise."
And then she was gone. And the sun rose as it always had, and I finished packing my trunks, and I took them, and myself to the portkey Dumbledore had arranged, emerging in Hogsmead, meeting the carriage that had been sent for me. The whole world seemed perfectly normal, with no regard at all for the broken heart in my chest.
It was the last time I ever saw her. The last time I ever opened my heart in that way, the last time I ever felt anything but numb, or angry; until he came to Hogwarts.
Everyone always remarked how he had his mother's eyes. But I often wondered; what had he inherited from his father?