If Only

She Had Not Walked Away

(counterpart to Billy)

She was sitting on the round sofa, holding a bag of frozen peas over her swollen eye when Angel and Cordelia walked through the door of the Hyperion that night, their mission to destroy Billy complete.

"Fred! Oh my God!" Cordelia exclaimed upon seeing her.

"What the hell happened?" Angel asked just as animatedly. They rushed over to her.

"I'm okay." Fred answered, lowering the frozen vegetables, revealing the extent of her injuries. "Wesley got infected."

"Wes? Wesley did this to you?" Cordelia asked, pushing a strand of Fred's hair back so she could survey the damage to Fred's face.

"No… whatever Billy put inside Wesley is what did this to me." Fred answered. She was careful not to place any blame on Wesley himself. She knew he was as much a victim in this as she.

"Where is he?" Angel asked. Fred could hear the dangerous edge in his voice.

"Room 605… or just below it actually. I kind of knocked him through the floor. Gunn is there too. I locked them in."

"Gunn? He's infected too?" Angel asked, looking up at the ceiling as if he could see their bodies lying on the floors above.

"Yes… but I knocked him out before it really manifested so he didn't have a chance to hurt me. I hope I didn't hurt them too bad – especially Wes. I knocked him unconscious with a fire extinguisher and if you multiply the mass of the extinguisher by the velocity it was traveling at the time of impact, and then take into account that the human skull is only…"

"Fred. It's ok." Cordelia said, cutting short Fred's nervous rambling. "You did what you had to do to stay alive. Are you sure you're ok?"

Fred nodded.

"Cordy, take Fred to my room. I want you to lock yourselves in there and don't open the door again until I tell you. I'm going to deal with Wes and Gunn." Angel said, walking toward the stairs. "Fred, do you have any idea how long the Billy effect will last?"

"Based on the rate of mitosis observed in the slides, I'd guess no more than a few hours, tops. I'm willing to bet the effects are already wearing off."

"Never the less, I want you two far away from Wes and Gunn until we are sure they are themselves again. Cordy… take a sword, just in case."

"What about you?" Cordy asked. "Do you want a weapon?"

"It's best if I'm not armed." Angel said, his voice full of dark meaning. He began a purposeful ascent of the stairs.

"Angel!" Fred called. Angel stopped and looked at Fred. "Remember… it wasn't their fault. You know what Billy is."

Angel nodded but his eyes were cold and filled with purpose.

"Cordy!" Fred exclaimed in alarm, turning to Cordelia.

"It's ok, Fred. Angel will be able to handle himself. I think we should do what he said though. Let's go to his room and wait this out."

Cordelia grabbed a long sword from the weapon's closet and led Fred to Angel's bedroom. She locked the door and propped a chair against the handle for good measure. One of the best things about Angel's interior room – there was only one way in or out.

Once locked safely inside, Cordelia went to the bathroom and wet a washcloth with cold water. She returned to Fred and softly dabbed at the cuts on her lip and eyebrow.

"I want to know exactly how this happened. How did you know Wes was infected? What did he do?" Cordelia asked.

"I could tell something was wrong right away. Just by the way he snapped at me. Wesley would never talk to me like that… would never say the things he said." Fred said. Despite herself, she felt her eyes welling with tears. "It wasn't him, Cordy. I know that. But…"

"He scared you." Cordelia finished for her, empathetically. Fred bit her lip and nodded. Unable to hold in the weight of the terrifying evening any longer, Fred felt her face crumble as the tears began falling thick and fast from her eyes. Cordelia wrapped her arms around Fred, doing her best to comfort the sweet young woman who had survived so much in recent years, but was almost killed this night by someone she trusted.

After several minutes, a loud thud, the sound of a door slamming and heavy footsteps pacing back and forth somewhere upstairs finally drew the two women apart. After another minute, there was knock at Angel's bedroom door. Cordy grabbed her sword and approached the door cautiously.

"It's me, Cordy." Angel called through the door. Cordelia kicked the chair aside and unlocked Angel's door. She still gripped the sword tightly, just in case Angel wasn't alone.

He was.

"Where are they?" Cordelia asked.

"Gunn's locked in a maintenance closet on the 2nd floor. He was just gaining consciousness when I found him." Angel said.

"Is he alright?" Fred asked.

"He'll be fine. The effects of Billy's power haven't completely worn off yet so I wanted to keep him isolated for now." Angel answered.

"And, what about Wesley?" Fred asked, trepidatiously.

Angel cast Cordelia a meaningful glance.

"I think it best if we get Wesley to a hospital." Angel said, feigning nonchalance.

"Oh God!" Fred said. She began pacing back and forth, muttering to herself about the impact of high velocity objects on the human brain.

"Fred…it's going to be ok. You didn't do anything wrong." Angel said, placing himself in Fred's path.

"He's right, sweetie. You would probably be dead or worse right now if you hadn't have knocked Wes out." Cordelia consoled, wrapping an arm around Fred.

"I didn't have to use a fire extinguisher though. That was too much weight. I could have used a half-filled paint can or something with less mass." Fred said.

"Don't worry, Fred. Wesley will be fine. I'm going to drive him to the hospital right now and I'll stay there until I'm sure he's ok. I don't want you feeling guilty about what happened though, understand? You did what you had to and no one blames you." Angel said.

Angel walked out of his bedroom with Cordelia and Fred on his heels. Angel had placed Wesley on the round sofa in the middle of the lobby. He was still out cold and a huge bruise was evident over his right eye.

"Oh God." Fred said again, putting her hand over her mouth.

Angel picked up Wesley in a fireman's hold and walked toward the front door.

"Leave Gunn in the closet for a couple of hours to be sure the spell has worn off, and don't let him out without a weapon in hand." Angel said to Cordelia. Cordelia nodded in understanding. Without another word, Angel turned and was gone.

"Where… where am I?" Wesley asked. It was very, very early the next morning. The sun had not yet fully risen but Angel was not concerned. The room Wesley was in had no windows.

"You're in the hospital." Angel answered from the shadows where he had been standing, watching Wesley over the past several hours.

"What happened?" Wesley asked, wincing as he placed his hand up to his swollen and tender head.

"Well, as Cordy put it, you had some major mystical mojo done to you." Angel answered, walking over to the edge of Wesley's bed.

Wes looked at Angel with confusion for a moment which was quickly replaced by a look of abject horror as the memory of the previous night's events found their way to the forefront of Wesley's mind. He shot up in bed.

"Oh God! Fred! What have I done?" Wes cried, attempting to get out of the railed hospital bed.

"Whoa…easy!" Angel commanded, pushing a struggling Wesley back into the bed. "She's ok."

Wes looked at Angel and any anger the latter was feeling toward the former - no matter how displaced - dissolved. Angel had never seen any man look so genuinely remorseful and guilty in his very long life.

"Did I hurt her very badly?" Wes asked. His voice sounded desperate.

Angel shook his head. "She's got some bruises and a cut lip. Other then that, she's fine. She understands what happened."

"How can she ever forgive me?" Wesley said, looking at his bruised hands hopelessly, the memory of what he did making him feel physically nauseous. He had attacked Fred… tried to force himself on her… tried to kill her! Wesley had never before felt like such a horrible human being – less than a human being. If Angel wanted to kill him right now, he would not even object. He felt he deserved it.

Angel could see the horrible guilt tormenting Wesley by the look on his face. "I think you're going to have a harder time forgiving yourself." Angel replied, quietly.

Six days later, Fred found herself pacing back and fourth in front of Wesley's office. She knew he had been released from the hospital four days earlier, but he had not been back to the office and he had not answered any of the several messages she had left him. Cordelia told her that Wes was just having a really hard time facing what he did. Angel told her to be patient. Neither, Fred thought, really understood.

Dearest Fred,

If I were to tell you I'm sorry every single day for the rest of my life, it still would not be enough to express the true magnitude of remorse I feel for how I behaved and what I did to you. There is no excuse for my actions and I do not expect you to ever forgive me. But, I want you to know...

"Dammit." Wesley muttered, crumpling up yet another sheet of paper. This was his fourteenth attempt, since arriving home from the hospital, at writing an apology letter to Fred. She had called him numerous times and left him several messages, but he had not had the courage to pick up the phone. He wanted so much to tell her how sorry he was, but could not seem to find the words to express just how guilty he felt.

Wesley looked up at the window above his desk, his mind distraught with the repulsive memories of what had transpired six days before. He knew he had been under the influence of a powerful demon, but knowing now what sort of evil he was capable of turned his stomach to rot and made him question the very sort of person he was.

A soft knock at his front door brought him out of his painful reverie.

"Wesley? It's Fred." He heard her voice – her gentle Texas lilt that he found so endearing, and he knew he could not ignore her any longer. He owed her an apology – face to face.

Slowly, he rose from his chair and walked to the door.

She could hear his quiet sobs on the other side of the door and knew that no matter what she said, Wesley was not going to forgive himself for what happened. She had seen the look on his face - the guilt, remorse, sadness and self-loathing he was enduring. She turned to leave, feeling defeated.

"No." She told herself firmly, stopping before she reached the stairs. She was not about to walk away and let Wesley wallow in guilt. What happened wasn't his fault any more than it was hers. She knew Wesley would never, could never hurt her of his own volition. He had been possessed by a demon. He had no control over what happened. She knew that. How come he didn't?

She knocked again softly but did not wait for him to open the door (fortunately, he had not locked it behind her). Instead she turned the doorknob and entered.

Wes's face was wet with tears as he looked at her in surprise.

"Fred… I…" But Fred did not allow him to finish the sentence. Instead she put her index finger in the air to quiet him. Then, standing on her toes, she leaned in and placed a soft, tender kiss on his lips.

When she backed away, Wesley was looking at her with an expression of utter shock. Was he imagining this? Was Fred now possessed by something? Surely, after the things he had said, the things he had done, she wouldn't just forgive and forget… would she?

"Please, Wesley. We need you… I need you… to come back." Fred said softly.

She took his hand and looked in his eyes. Since coming back from Pylea, she had not let herself get too close to anyone. After years of solitude and almost no contact with other humans, she was still protecting herself. Subconsciously, she feared being ripped from them again and being sent back to a place where she was worth no more than cattle. But looking in Wesley's eyes at this moment, she felt something stir inside her that she thought was long gone. It was a twinge she had not felt in a long time – a twinge of something deeper than friendship. She realized with a start that she liked Wesley in a different way than she liked Angel or Cordelia or Gunn. She liked Wesley in a way that made her feel butterflies in her stomach and caused her to not want to leave his side.

"Come back… come back to the hotel with me. Please?" Fred said, squeezing Wes's hand gently.

Wes smiled a little and nodded.

While Wesley was gathering up his keys and briefcase, Fred allowed herself to wander into Wesley's apartment. She had been here before, of course, but she had never really 'looked' at it. It was masculine in decoration, but soft somehow… comforting. Fred walked over to the desk and curiously looked at the many crumpled up pieces of paper scattered over the desk and nearby floor. She wondered what Wesley was working on so intently. She leaned over to pick up one of the pieces of paper on the floor and was startled when Wesley suddenly appeared, swooping up the disposed papers in a quick motion.

"I'm sorry about the mess." Wesley said, obviously trying to hide whatever was on those papers.

"Please. You're talking to the girl that used to write quantum equations out on her walls. A few pieces of paper are nothing. What were you working on, anyway?" Fred asked.

"Oh…um… well…" Wesley stuttered. Fred smiled and took one of the crumpled papers out of Wes's hands.

Dearest Fred,

How can I express just how sorry I am? How can I tell you how terrible I feel… what a monster I am for what I did? There are no words adequate enough. I hate myself for what I became – for the power that that demon had over me. Please know that I would never, ever, intentionally hurt you. How could I? You are so sweet, and kind, and beautiful. My heart aches knowing that I hurt you...

Fred read through the unfinished letter again slowly, allowing Wesley's words to wash over her – making sure she understood what they seemed to mean. Finally, she looked up from the unfinished letter, her eyes wide, a lump in her throat.

"Wesley." She said softly, her voice caught in her throat.

"I didn't know what to say." Wesley replied quietly, looking down at the floor.

"You don't have to say anything." Fred said softly.

She took a step to close the distance between herself and Wesley. Then, her lips were on his again, unreserved and more eager. In surprise, Wesley dropped the remaining crumpled balls of paper he was holding, the reality of what was happening striking him and he wrapped his arms around Fred's waist tightly, pulling her body close to his. She moaned quietly against his mouth and threaded her fingers through his hair to deepen their kiss. Every hurt – both physical and emotional – that she had felt six days earlier was replaced with the feeling of love and safety that enveloped her as she kissed Wesley.

When they finally broke apart several minutes later Wesley's look of self-loathing had been replaced by a look of wonderment. He gazed at Fred, gently caressing her cheek with the back of his hand.

"You are so beautiful." Wesley said. "I have never known anyone so lovely in both body and soul."

Fred smiled and Wesley felt some of his guilt dissipate. Against what he believed were impossible odds, she forgave him. And now she was here in his arms – a dream he dared not dream come true.