Bluff
It had come down to this.
Not some epic showdown. Not some chaotic blood-drinking frenzy that would demolish a city. Not some life-changing event that would forever go down in the annals of history. Not the three organizations entangled decided on a more unorthodox way of settling their problems.
Out of all the possible options, they chose...
...to play cards.
The three sat around a table, three identical drugstore decks sitting in a neat pile in the middle. At present they were debating exactly what game they ought to play to decide the future of their organizations. And possibly the world.
They were not feeling the pressure.
"Poker?" Sir Integra Hellsing offered idly, mentally running through every card game she knew. There were a lot of them-her father had liked to gamble, as did the soldiers in her army.
"Black Queen, fraulein?" The Major offered hopefully. He seemed to be trying to communicate something to Integra with his eyes, despite the fact they were obscured by sunglasses. The message was meant to be something along the lines of desire, but was interpreted as 'I am a colossal freak' and ignored. Or possibly Integra was used to weirdoes telling her they wanted her.
"Perhaps, although I couldn't trust any of you to deal. Walter!" She called. The butler appeared from nowhere, much like Schrödinger. He adjusted his monocle and smiled blindingly. "Go and find the automatic card shuffler, and insure no one has tampered with it. Then bring it here."
"Gambling is a sin." Maxwell protested feebly. He was frantically adjusting his cross pin, which despite his best efforts hung stubbornly crooked in what came off as a twisted metaphor for his twisted life.
"So forfeit." Integra said distantly. "Bluff. We'll play Bluff."
"No, let's play War." The Major said. He attempted, perhaps having seen Seras perform the same maneuver, to give Integra puppy eyes. He failed miserably, garnering only an odd look, and inwardly cursed the evils of true love.
"What are the stakes of this sacrilegious game, sow?" Maxwell asked, finally leaving his pin alone. "If I win, I demand all the resources of your organizations and your executions."
"Those seem like fair terms...but if I win, I also want the Vatican to relinquish all claims to English territory forevermore." Integra said.
"If I win, I want a certain beautiful fraulein all to myself." The Major added in.
"Why don't you make it Strip Bluff and provide yourselves with some entertainment?" Pip Bernadette spoke up. Where he had come from, they weren't sure, although Integra suspected he was hiding from Seras. Again. Great, she'd have to deal with sexual harassment suits again.
"Ah..." Maxwell was torn between a perverse curiosity as to what Integra Hellsing would look like out of her traditional black suit and his religion. Meanwhile, the Major smiled.
"That will do nicely, or are you unwilling, beautiful fraulein?" He asked, sunglasses gleaming. Integra mentally sent her pride harsh words, and nodded.
"Walter, bring in the card shuffler. We'll play."
--
An hour later, the game was well underway. The 'strip' part of the game had been included thus: every time someone caught you bluffing, you had to remove one piece of clothing. Integra had lost...nothing. Maxwell had also avoided losing anything. And Major...he was devoid of his coat only. No, the game was underway, but no one was taking any risks. They were not the sort of people who showed their emotions on their faces.
Well, not emotions pertaining to their card game, anyway- Integra's face was getting redder and redder as she clenched her teeth, apparently caught in a mental argument with a certain vampire.
"Don't even think about, or I swear, I'll make you wish you'd stayed in the fucking dungeon! Hell, maybe I'll put you back there!"
A dead silence as the two...men (the term was admittedly debatable) watched as Integra's free hand- the one not holding cards- slowly tightened around the edge of he table. It began to make an ominous noise. The table was made of concrete.
This frightening display of rage was enough to make them both remain quiet, at least for a moment.
"Obviously I'll win!"
"Hey!" Maxwell cried. "Who are you to-"
"Oh, shut up! Don't interfere!" It was unclear who she was addressing.
Maxwell, miffed, sniffed at her and turned his attention to the Major, the madman, he thought. He'd been usually quiet, either contemplating his bizarre attraction to the heathen sow or...or...was that oil coming out of his mouth?
"Walter? The Major is leaking." Integra called, throwing some cards onto the table. "Four sevens."
As Walter discovered upon examination, the Major was actually a robot/cyborg/android thing, and needed to be reoiled before he would work again. Apparently something blazingly hot had severed a connection in his brain. No one cared to ask what kind of thoughts could do that...they really, really didn't want to know.
--
After four hours of playing, the Major was almost...naked. He was only in his underwear at this point, and was now too shy after the leaking incident to even talk in front of Integra. Some of his minions had dropped by, watched him freak out, realized he as a war-obsessed weirdo with the instincts of a preteen, and left, disgusted and resolved to do meaningful things with their lives.
Maxwell was down to his pants, and was glaring at Integra, convinced she had to be cheating, since she hadn't had to shed a single piece of clothing in three hours. And she hadn't been wrong about anything so far- in fact he was certain she was letting them get away with bluffing just to be extra cruel.
Oh, and she was only holding two cards in her hand.
"You're cheating! You're using your pet to read our minds or something! It's impossible to be that good! I should have known a fiendish heretic English Protestant sow like you would be a master of deceit!"
"You must be doing something as well, Maxwell, I had no idea it was possible to lose that badly. I suppose it is reassuring, in a way, that a supposed 'man of God' cannot lie well. Two sixes." Extreme sarcasm on 'man of God'.
"Bluff!" Maxwell snatched up the cards, and fumbled, staring at them. Two sixes.
There were no cards in her hand, and both Maxwell and the Major were holding at least twenty cards. She smiled, and for a moment she held an uncanny resemblance to Alucard.
"Call your people up to my house." Integra said menacingly, and she stood up, gathered up her cards and automatic shuffler, and marched grandly away.
"Perhaps I will invite her to dinner one night, and she will see fit to join me...I will win against that monster yet." The Major muttered.
"You've attempted to wage World War III, attacked and killed many, done ridiculous things...because you're trying to steal that heretic from a vampire? What happened to your love of war?"
"I love war! I love war in all its forms! And that woman is war, personified!" By the end of this speech, the Major was standing on the table. Feeling nostalgic for home, where things made marginally more sense, he got up and left to make the arrangements for his loss.
The Major continued to declare his love to Integra on the table, unknowing of the many eavesdroppers standing outside his door.
"Master, what should we do about him?" Seras questioned. "I mean, we can't just let him confess to Sir Integra...it might give that heart attack she keeps saying you're going to give her..."
"There is no need to do anything, Police Girl. Don't you remember what happened earlier, when the Major's heart-?"
"Among other things..." Walter muttered.
"-burned like fire?"
"He started drooling oil and went all quiet and paperweight-y?"
"Exactly. In a few moments he will incapacitate himself, and then Master herself will deal with him. There is no need for us to intervene. Come along, Police Girl, we have more important things to attend to."
--
"Iscariot disbanded, Millennium turned into a hit new band/fuel for the world's largest incinerator, the Major currently being sold for spare parts, and Enrico Maxwell living in a senior citizen center in southern Florida...the mission, I would say, is a great success."
"Indeed, Master. Perhaps you should treat yourself to a reward."
"Good idea. Hand me my sword and stand very, very still- I've always wanted to know what exactly would happen if I castrated you."
--
Based off of the title page of Order 7, titled D1, in Volume 4 of the manga. It depicts, if you can't find it anywhere online or don't own that volume, Major, Maxwell, and Integra sitting on what looks like a cracked stone bench, holding cards. Maxwell is glaring at Major, Major's eyes are hidden by the weird glasses he's wearing, and Integra is staring right at the reader, as if saying, "God, this sucks."
This is quite possibly the most bizarre crackfic of all time.
-chickentyrant5