A/N: This is different from my other stories. More like a journey through Hotch's and Emily's lives throughout Seasons 2-7, beginning with how they met and ending with... well, how it still could continue. Because every ending is a new beginning and all that.

With the new season approaching, I somehow felt the need to proof that H/P was and always will be canon. It's all between the lines. Enjoy!

Since I didn't post a new story around the time of her birthday, this is a very late birthday present for the lovely greengirl82.

Disclaimer: I guess it comes as no surprise that I don't own Criminal Minds. This is just for fun, and I make no money out of it.

I. The first cycle: Caught on the wrong foot

Surprise

Pleasant surprise, actually. That was what Aaron Hotchner felt when he saw Emily Prentiss for the first time at the BAU.

He knew her mother, the ambassador, and assumed her visit was a courtesy call, no more than small talk with a good looking woman.

Well, surprise, indeed...

Irritation

That was what his surprise turned into when he realized that she had not come to visit him and exchange polite trivia. She had come to join the team.

He rejected that firmly – notionally and verbally. He just had lost a female profiler under objectionable circumstances and wasn't ready to accept a new profiler as a replacement. Let alone a woman.

But she was too determined to take no as an answer and too convincing to let her walk out of the door. Therefore, she stayed. A pending agreement because of the...

Distrust

There was something inconsistent about Emily Prentiss' background story and how she showed up as a new team member at a convenient time. It was more about instinct than valid proof, but the feeling was unsettling enough to put everything she did on trial. Hotch simply distrusted her.

So, when he saw her talking to the congresswoman, he somehow wanted her to have drawn unwanted attention to a sensitive case, wanted her to be the leak, the one who had informed the politician about it.

Later on, he confronted her with it, told her that he had to be able to trust in the loyalty of each team member, and registered at the same time that he was mistaken, that she had done nothing to justify his suspicion.

When she confided in him that she hated politics, he got a first glimpse of the person she really was, and the realization was slowly starting to sink in that he had been utterly wrong. Not only concerning his assumption in the current case. He had been completely wrong about her.

Up to that point, Aaron Hotchner had thought of himself as an expert in human nature. Emily Prentiss would have begged to differ.

She still was too experienced in the field to come from a desk job, and he still didn't believe that he hadn't received any information regarding her transfer in advance because the paperwork had been screwed up.

However, times were changing...

II. The second cycle: Starting over

Surprise (again)

Therefore, Hotch knew immediately that it wasn't about a new job when Emily came to Strauss' office right in the middle of his tense discussion with his superior about his future and informed them about her resignation. He was surprised by her decision, but his instincts told him that the reason behind her resignation had to be that she wasn't willing to do the dirty work for Strauss, who wanted to get rid of him as unit chief of the BAU.

So, this time, he didn't feel irritation or distrust.

He felt...

Respect

Thus, it was more an obligation than free will when he went to see her after her resignation to tell her that he was aware of her reasons and convince her that the team needed them both to solve the current case.

That's just hardware, he dismissed her argument when she reminded him that she had already turned in her badge and her gun.

And it was just paperwork, her reply threatened to slip out. The recollections of how he didn't want her to join the team still vivid. Of course, she didn't say anything. It felt too good that he distrusted Strauss now and not her anymore. She didn't want to put that at risk.

They solved the case and although Hotch was aware that it should feel weird to see a beaten up, bleeding woman, who just had survived the attack of an unsub, be so happy just because she was back at the BAU, he felt the same. And he realized that, in a way, they were alike. They were both dutiful and loyal to a fault.

Emily wanted to stay on the team and so did he. Hotch made sure that they could. Strauss eventually had no other choice than to give in. There was something special about the team and its leader, an invisible wall of integrity and closeness that protected them.

Trust

Hotch didn't question Emily's loyalty or intentions anymore. In fact, she was the one at his side most of the time when they were investigating a case.

He appreciated her deliberate approach to catch the unsub and her composure when push came to shove. She never flinched when they were in the field – no matter how bad it was.

Metaphorically speaking, the grave, blurry picture Aaron Hotchner had had of Emily Prentiss at the beginning had been replaced by a bright, sharp one. He knew now who she was, her essential character traits. He trusted her.

Affection

It should have come as no surprise that trust turned easily into affection.

Emily Prentiss wasn't only a highly professional agent; she also had a naturally caring personality. Hotch didn't expect that beneath her quick-wittedness. Moreover, he didn't know how to handle it when her concern for others suddenly included him and his hearing problems after the attack in New York.

Anyway, he didn't like her more than the other team members. And he tried to make sure it stayed that way, always referring to her as Prentiss. Prentiss was the agent, the profiler. Emily was the woman who touched him gently and asked him whether he was okay when his hearing problems were painful.

Unfortunately, when the worst happened, and she and Reid were taken hostage by a cult while undercover as child service workers, when she blew her cover in order to save Reid, when the team had to listen helplessly how she was beaten up brutally, Hotch wasn't able to think of her as Prentiss, the agent. All he could think was – Emily.

I can take it, she told the cult leader between the blows repeatedly. Hotch couldn't, though, and wished she would stop and give them a reason to storm the compound.

They made it out alive, and Hotch watched the team reunite, hugging each other in relief. He kept the distance, staring at her, barely able to control his anger, not understanding where this reaction was coming from. Save that he did understand it only too well if he was being honest with himself. It wasn't her fault that he cared. It wasn't her fault that he had felt each blow that hurt her as if he had been beaten down. It wasn't her fault. Period. But he needed someone to blame because while it wasn't wrong to care, it was wrong to care too much. He was her superior. He was married. Well, divorced later on but still her unit chief.

It didn't exactly help that he was attracted to her.

Attraction (mutual?)

Emily Prentiss was an attractive woman. So, why not use her as a bait? Make her dress up and flirt with a sleazy guy named Viper or let the imprisoned psychopath The Fox tell her about his perverted fantasies.

Hotch wasn't affected by all of this, was he? Didn't care when he watched her get dressed up for Viper or when they argued between the interrogation sessions of The Fox about whether to show him the pictures of a dead girl as a bargain or not. On both occasions, he was well aware how uncomfortable she felt. Hence, he offered her a way out, told her that she didn't have to do it. It was more for his benefit than for hers though. He knew that she wouldn't choose the easy way out. Emily Prentiss was not the type of woman to cop out. And he was not the type of man to punish a woman he couldn't have for her beauty by putting her deliberately into awkward situations, or was he?

Emily wasn't only an attractive woman; she was an attractive woman with a past. When her past caught up with her, and one of her friends was killed, Hotch gave her leeway to investigate. He was well aware of her determination. Therefore, he should have expected that she wouldn't give in as soon as the first complications occurred, wouldn't back off just because politics got in the way. He should have known all that. She, on the other hand, couldn't know how soothing it was for him to use the opportunity that she overstepped her bounds to reprimand her, to give way to his anger that was still there.

It was a grueling fight. Hotch constantly fought against an invisible enemy – his own feelings. It was a fight he couldn't win, but he never broke down. Except for one instance when he almost did. It was in the aftermath of Foyet's attack. He had been stabbed and almost killed by this unsub. Foyet was still on the loose, Hotch's family had to hide from him, and the loneliness of his apartment was driving him crazy.

Of course, it had to be Emily who volunteered to pick him up before work and take him home afterwards, even accompanied him to his apartment. And it was on this one instance when they were standing in his apartment, talking allegedly about a case, when he realized that they were doing anything but and that he wanted her to stay. So far, so good and not exactly new. What was new, though, was that he sensed that she wanted to stay, too. He just couldn't tell whether the reason for it was merely concern, perhaps even affection, or something more, much more, a mutual attraction.

He didn't act on his needs, and she left.

Little did they know – how soon this all wouldn't matter anymore, anyway.

III. The third cycle: Everything seems to be lost

Distance

Hotch's ex-wife was murdered by Foyet, and everything was different. His world was upside down, and every new day only meant to overcome difficulties. It was pure survival. Hotch distanced himself from the team and especially her. Her first name slipping out unwanted here and there the only sign that he wished it would be different. Could be. But he didn't know how. Now even less than before.

He teamed her up with Morgan during an investigation most of the time. More distance.

Life was no more than a nagging pain in his chest. Hotch was numb. Until the day when his world went up in flames.

Panic

Emily was gone, had disappeared. Hotch didn't know what hurt more – the fact that she had a past as an undercover agent and lover of one of the most dangerous men in the world or the fact that she didn't tell them about it, didn't say goodbye. Once more, her past was catching up with her, but this time it wasn't about politics or soothing the Vatican. It was about a man looking for revenge, a man who had threatened to kill her team, should she involve them, and who wanted to kill her.

The events forced Hotch to wake up from his inner numbness just to find himself living in another nightmare.

Hotch was determined to find her, and he did although he would have preferred never to have seen the gruesome image of her lying on the floor of the warehouse stabbed and bleeding. He was an experienced profiler, and one of the things he never talked about was that he could smell death. When he entered a crime scene, the smell told him whether there had taken place a life-and-death struggle, whether somebody had died. The basement where they found Emily smelled exactly like that.

But she still had a pulse, and she survived even if she was already knocking on heaven's door and had to be resuscitated. It was a mess. Ian Doyle, the man who almost killed her, the nemesis from her past, got away. It was Foyet all over again, and they had to decide in an instant how to handle the situation. Hotch had experienced once how witness protection had failed. He wasn't going to risk it a second time. The decision was quick and fatal. They faked her death.

Emily hadn't said goodbye to Hotch before she disappeared, and now, he also didn't get the chance. It all had to happen too fast. So, all that was left was...

Pain

Hotch had to do the grief counseling. Sessions with each team member. It was the hardest thing he ever had to do because there was no place left inside of him to find peace and quiet.

Believing Emily was dead, gave the team members at least the chance that their grief would fade. Knowing Emily was alive, Hotch was doomed to suffer for the rest of his life.

At least, that was what he prepared for...

IV. The forth cycle: Maybe there is still hope

Relief

Sometimes fate has a nice day. They managed to catch Ian Doyle, and Emily came back.

Hotch couldn't believe it. The way she stood there in the door frame, hesitant and eager to be back at the same time. He couldn't help but smile. Imagine that. Aaron Hotchner. Smiling. To say that he was relieved was a major understatement. He was floating, weightless.

He was so happy that he literally jumped back into life and started dating again. It was fun, nothing serious, he was just testing the water, wanted to find out whether he still had it.

Of course, he was aware that there was this unresolved issue between him and Emily, but it was too soon after her return, and their professional relationship hadn't changed. He was her superior. For months, he had been preparing to mourn her loss for the rest of his life. Now, it felt as if he had the rest of his life together with her and all the time in the world to decide what to do. No need to hurry.

Talk about bad timing.

Wariness

At first, the reunion of the team was pretty normal. A little awkward but nevertheless gratifying. Expected.

But then Hotch observed how Emily overreacted. She tried too hard – with Morgan, Reid and Rossi, even with him. On the surface, she was her cool composed self. Yet, she begged for forgiveness with every word she spoke and even more with the ones she didn't say.

The team forgave her, sort of, because they loved her and because what happened wasn't something that had to be forgiven.

However, she wasn't getting any better. The signs were there. The lies she told her therapist. Her bad days when she confided in him. He should have seen it coming, should have known.

At that time, though, he didn't realize that his role in how she found or didn't find her way back to the team probably was the root of the matter, at least essential.

All those years, he had been believing that it was only him who felt something for her. Granted, he knew that she cared about him, but she cared about all the team members deeply. So, why should he be the exception just because that was what he wanted? Sometimes you can look into a mirror and don't even recognize yourself. He had looked at her for so long, had been thinking about what could not or could be between them for so many years, that it never occurred to him that it could have been the right time to act upon it. At least, it was the wrong time to act opposed. He could as well have told her to leave

As it was, Hotch wasn't aware of all this, but his instinct was on alert, anyway. He was wary, and he had every reason to be.

Realization

Then, on JJ's and Will's wedding, he eventually was certain that there was something going on. And when Emily promised to tell him, just not then and there, he knew that she would leave.

It's a date... Another sign. She never would have said that. It was a goodbye in advance.

They danced, and it felt like heaven to hold her.

They talked about her new job in London, and it hurt like hell to let her go.

This time, they said goodbye, but it didn't ease the pain in any way.

V. The fifth cycle: So, what now?

Ache

That's all that's left for Hotch these days. Emily is gone. For good. He wakes up and falls asleep with this thought in his head, in his heart.

Then, one day, he wakes up and realizes that all he was doing during the last years, all he is doing right now, is walking in endless circles. He always knew what he wanted, what he still wants. Her.

He grabs the phone and dials a number. Hotch doesn't mind the time difference, doesn't care how late or early it is in the part of the world where the phone rings... and rings... seemingly endlessly. He is about to hang up when someone picks up and answers with a sleepy voice.

"Hello?"

Time freezes. There is only her voice and his breath. Or not because he stopped breathing. Then he exhales and says her name along with it.

"Emily..."

This time, she is the one holding her breath, and this is perfectly fine. It's him who has to explain some things. A lot of things, actually.

Hotch hopes that he will find the right words. However, merely hearing her voice is enough to make the ache go away. It can only get better.

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