Disclaimer: Hokuto's not mine, I'm just letting her vent. Clamp can have her back when she's done.
Note: No one ever writes Hokuto as being angry. I wonder why…
Twitch
Today is a twitchy day. A day where no matter who I talk to I can barely resist the urge to snap at them. A day where no amount of seeing people smiling and happy is going to make me feel any better. A day where I just want to run to the roof and hide so I don't have to deal with anyone.
Nobody had better touch me today. My skin feels fragile as glass, like Subaru's was when he was a baby. If I am touched it will be too much and I'll snarl. I want an excuse to growl, to bare my teeth, to be something other then Subaru's strange but harmless older sister.
What has got me so on edge?
Good morning Sei-Chan! How are you today Sei-Chan? Isn't Subaru cute Sei-Chan?
I want to scream. I can't stand it. I just can't stand it. What does it take to get those two together? What is it I have to do that I'm not doing? And *why*, exactly, do I care so much?
I dart ahead of them, pretending that I've seen something interesting only to me. I can't take my brother and his would be boyfriend right now. You can cut the unresolved tension around them with a knife. It's suffocating!
Ah school. Lovely. Insults hidden behind a veil of sweet concern, a skill I've never really managed. Grandmother says it's because I' m too honest. Maybe I am.
Leave me alone! I don't want to deal with all of you today. And you don't want to make me angry. Not today. Not right now.
Bad day. Don't need this.
I hate all this! I want to go talk to Kakyou. I miss him. He never lies or is unkind. He doesn't know how. I just want to go to sleep and visit him, hide in his world with him and refuse to come out.
But I can't. It isn't fair to make Kakyou put up with me in this mood. It's not as if we're married or anything like that. Though I do think I would like to marry him someday.
Yeep! Back to class. No sir, I don't know the answer. Yes sir, I'm sorry sir. It won't happen again sir.
I just want to go home.
Lunch with Subaru and Sei-Chan. I don't speak. I don't even open my mouth, because I know if I do I'll start shouting.
Damn you Sei-Chan. Can't you see it hurts my brother when you tease him? I'm the only one who's ever teased him out of love. He expects it coming from me, but he has no idea what to make of it when you act like this. Can't you see his confusion and pain? I don't know whether you're being cruel or just careless. Either way, I could come to hate you for it.
But I don't say anything, because Subaru is cute when he blushes and maybe that's all you see. Most days I join in on the teasing, trying to tell my little brother that it really is all right, that you don't mean to hurt him. But today I can't, because I'm too angry. So I just eat my food and try to smile, try to hide my thoughts.
Hmm…Perhaps you're not as perceptive as I'd thought, Sei-Chan…You don't seem to notice. But Subaru does. Of course he does. He knows me better then he knows himself. And so he doesn't say anything, because he knows I wouldn't thank him for it if he did.
Back to school.
Boring class. Sadistic teachers. Nice teachers I can't stand today for some reason. Subaru's being teased. Put a stop to it. More boring classes. Stupid classmates. The final bell at last.
I hate school.
Sei-Chan offers ice cream. Oh no. No. No more Sei-Chan and Subaru. Not today, not now. I want to be alone.
So I make my excuses and run home as fast as my legs will take me. As I dodge people on the sidewalk I let the last little shreds of my self control flutter away. No more hiding.
I'm angry.
Slam the door. Slam all the doors and then slam all the cabinets too. I don't care if it disturbs the neighbors, I need the noise. Need it now.
Music. I need music, loud and clear and strong, making all the bad thoughts and feelings leave me alone. Just turn it on and up and drive all the anger and pain and fear out, like Subaru sends restless sprits away to rest.
But the music isn't really enough. I need to dance too. I need to move until my legs won't carry me anymore, till I ache all over, till I've been drained completely.
Ah good. That's much better. I can cry now. And I do, sobbing into the couch cushions and praying that Subaru won't come home and find me while I'm like this.
It's too much. Entirely too much. I cannot do this, I'm not strong enough for it! I don't know enough. I can't keep him safe alone, I need help. And what if Sei-Chan isn't the right choice to help me? What if I'm making a mistake? How do I know? How do I protect him if I am?
Subaru is everything. It doesn't matter if I hurt so long as Subaru is all right. I really wouldn't care if anything bad happened to me, except that it would make Subaru cry and Kakyou would be alone again. And Subaru shouldn't have to cry and Kakyou shouldn't have to be alone. I don't want either of them hurt.
But if I had to choose between the two I would choose Subaru. I love Kakyou dearly, but Subaru is my brother. Kakyou will understand, if it ever comes to that.
I've always taken care of Subaru, and I always will. But sometimes I wonder why. Why did Grandmother leave him for me to raise? I don't know how! All I know is how to hold him when he cries. And that will not be enough.
What am I going to do?